I’m in the mountains of Utah about to drive the new Ford Ranger, and I’m excited! The old truck was based on bones that had been sold overseas since the Paleolithic era, so it’s about time Ford spruced up its mid-sizer. In addition to a new frame, a new suspension, and new engines (there’s a 2.7-liter and 3.0-liter turbo to go along with the same 2.3 from last year), there’s a fresh interior and exterior — it’s an all-new truck, and it now comes in Raptor form — a treatment previously reserved for only overseas Ford Rangers.
The one thing I’m most excited about is the Watt’s link on the Ranger Raptor. Honestly, the fact that Ford
[Editor’s Note: This is where all the information from David ends, in mid-sentence, just like the encyclopedia entry for Delaware or something. We haven’t been able to re-establish contact with David to confirm what is going on, or what the “honest” fact about Ford was that he was about to say. Was he about to blow the lid off something big, and Ford silenced him? Maybe!
Has he already gotten into his Raptor and taken off into the snowy mountains? Probably, right? And if that happened, it stands to reason that David has been found by one or more Sasquatches, and was likely pulled out of the Ranger and taken to their Sasquatch King, possibly for mating purposes. We really just don’t know, but at this point, this is the best theory we have.
What we do know is we have a few photos, ones that give us some idea about this new Ranger. So, I’ll use the extensive information David provided us to figure out the significance of each photo. Like this interior picture which seems to include, um, seats:
Looks pretty nice in there, nothing too surprising, at least not yet. I wonder what you can do in those seats? The lower part looks capable of cradling human buttocks, but so far, this is just speculation.
We also got this image of the bed and open tailgate, which early reports suggest are at the “rear” of the “truck.” Those taillights sure have a big notch in them, too, which may function as a second step, after the one by the bumper. Also, let’s zoom and enhance that tailgate edge:
Look at that! It’s graduated, like a ruler, and me, if my shop teacher wasn’t such a liar. Also it looks like that little cut-out section is for a C-clamp to be placed there? Is that what that symbol is?
Okay, what else do we have?
Colors! Look at all the colors! There’s a light-gray fog color, a nice vivid blue, a bold red, a more steely blue, and then they repeat.
Also, let’s zoom in on that sign in the corner:
Ah ha! You’re supposed to fill it with sand! Precious, precious sand! I wonder if Ford is filling it with sand, or some other powders? David should get to the bottom of this.
So, yeah, at this point, this is all we know. Please, if there’s anything you want to know, put your questions in the comments, and if we ever get back ahold of David – who by now I’m just about certain is consort to the Great Sasquatch King, Grandeped III, all hail his Hairy Excellence, then we’ll make sure he reads them and finds out.
But let’s be honest: David is likely gone, part of the Sasquatch community now. We should all just be happy we knew him as long as we did, and hope he brings as much joy to his new Sasquatchian peers as he did us. – JT]
To be fair (as someone very late to this post), I did break off and go hang with a friend named Sasquatch during this trip. However, I did not see David there when I broke off to have silly tiki drinks and talk Puffalumps.
It was great running into him at the press drive, though! I could’ve confirmed that he was alive, maybe, I think? Has anyone checked to see if the same David returned and not a clone sent by the aliens who abducted the real David?
Someone should check if the sasquaches are vaccinated for tetanus.
What happened to David? I can’t believe that there is no news today! I didn’t sleep well last night worrying! We need an investigation! I think Ford is in cahoots with the Yeti! This conspiracy needs to be revealed!
He may have missed the kitty at home and decided to drive back, via the Donner Pass
Think where we’d be without….sand!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AISoNYxeaqo
Are they as big as an F150 yet?
I’m just happy it appears to have amber rear turn signals.
That’s a Bessey Clamp.
https://www.bessey.de/en-us/bessey-tools-north-america/products/clamping-tools
David took the Raptor to a jeep meet. Again. Except this time they won’t let him leave.
Yeah I have a question. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to get actual penis extension surgery?
please ask ford when a 6 foot bed will be an option. It is available on the Tacoma and the Frontier but not in ranger form. 6 foot bed used to be available from the GM twins but gm decided to nix it this new generation.
David was clearly loving the Ranger, but ventured off trail when he swore he could see a rusty Dana 44 hanging from a tree. As he enabled the crawl control through the narrow path more parts appeared hanging from trees. After 3 miles, and no sign of a trail behind him, David now recognizes the parts hanging from the trees, are all parts from his jeeps. The brand new doors and top of the YJ are visible in a clearing at the end of the path.
As he pulls into the clearing he comes to a cliff over looking a serene valley. David exits the Ranger to assess a path down. As he peers over the edge and into the valley he sees the holiest of grails of a jeep collection. There is 10 of everything he could ever want, all sitting and getting just the right amount of rusty.
Suddenly a group of Sasquatch come running out of a cave behind him. Now captured he has learned of the plans of The Squatch World Order. They have amassed the means for world domination, but first must drive out of the valley in the only vehicles capable, the Holy Grail Jeeps. David was lured, imprisoned, and sentanced to manual Jeep labor.
But would it be imprisonment and forced labor if David was totally willing?
He has to fix them, but isn’t allowed to drive them.
I love how Torch’s mind works. “David has lost contact mid article! Could it be a bad connection? Did his phone die and he forgot his charger? NO! He has been kidnapped by Bigfoots with no clue how reproduction works!” I love this site. They think like me.
So David Tracy is going to be my new mommy?