I know they say print media is dead, and while, sure, it’s not looking so hot lately, it’s by no means completely deceased. I say this with confidence because I just picked up the March 2023 issue of my new favorite car magazine, Motor Hoarder, from my local newsstand/anal bleaching kiosk. Motor Hoarder doesn’t have an online presence, so if you want to really keep up with all of the latest developments in the car hoarding and shitbox collecting world, there’s really no other way. Besides, I think you’ll be excited to see a familiar face as the most recent cover story!
Yes, it’s our own Editor-In-Chiefdom David Tracy there, once one of the midwest’s best known car hoarders. His recent move to Los Angeles and the severe reduction of his hoard caused a lot of ripples through the car hoarding and non-running shitbox-acquiring community. Our own Mercedes Streeter and Stephen Walter Gossin have mentions in this issue as well, but the status of their fleets as “hoards” are still in question, despite their considerable quantities, mostly because the ratio of running vehicles to non-running is still higher than most accepted hoarding standards.
Anyway, support our friends over at Motor Hoarder and pick up a copy at your independent newsbroker’s today!
SPECIAL NOTE:
Oh, also, get this: David is on my ass because he doesn’t think this is enough of a post, he says it’s just a magazine cover, I guess not realizing that fake magazine covers, being fake and all, have to be made, painstakingly, to resemble real magazines that don’t actually exist, because, you know, they’re fake.
So, he’s insisting we add more, specifically this AI-generated article made with the following prompts:
Can you get AI to write us a 300 word article on David Tracy's new $500 shitbox that he's fixing and taking on a long road trip to Moab?
Very good. Write it again but this time write in the first person as if you're david tracy
Got all that? So, with that in mind, here’s a hypothetical Motor Hoarder article that, let’s be honest, doesn’t even really fit with the tone of what I was going for, but putting this in is the only way David will get off my ass. So, enjoy:
I’ve always loved fixing up old cars and taking them on adventures, so when I stumbled upon a 1955 Willys Wagon that had been abandoned in a shed for 30 years, I knew I had to take on the challenge. Despite its poor condition, I purchased the car for $500 and decided to fix it up and take it on a long road trip to Moab.
The Willys Wagon was completely rusted out, and it needed a full engine rebuild. But I wasn’t discouraged. In fact, I saw this as an opportunity to test my skills and determination as an automotive enthusiast. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I was excited to get started.I began by taking apart the engine and assessing the damage. The rust and decay were evident all over the car’s body, so I had my work cut out for me. But I was determined to bring this classic car back to life.
I spent countless hours cleaning up the rust and restoring the car’s body to its former glory. I rebuilt the engine from scratch, using both new and refurbished parts, and made sure everything was working properly before taking the car on a test drive.
I documented the entire process of fixing up the Willys Wagon on my website, Jalopnik, hoping to inspire others to take on similar projects. I wanted to show that with hard work and determination, anyone can turn a rusted out old car into something amazing.
The road trip to Moab was an epic journey, spanning over 1,500 miles of rugged terrain and challenging conditions. But the Willys Wagon performed flawlessly, and I was amazed at what this car was capable of. It was a testament to the power of determination and hard work, and I was proud to have brought it back to life.
In conclusion, taking on the challenge of fixing up a $500 rusted out 1955 Willys Wagon and taking it on a long road trip to Moab was no easy feat. But it was a labor of love for me, and I was determined to bring this classic car back to life. I hope my journey inspires others to take on similar projects and show that anything is possible with hard work and determination.
How this helps anything is beyond me. In fact, David seemed to agree:
Yeah, I know.
Anyway, David said I could call him names and complain, so that’s what I’m doing. Just let him know in the future we can just have a fun fake magazine cover on its own, right? Not everything needs to be as long as The Aeneid on here.
I mean, I love the guy and all, but just let me handle the fake stupid magazine covers category, okay?
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AI has syntax errors. Clearly this means it doesn’t take it’s craft seriously, and thus will feel David’s wrath.
“and made sure everything was working properly before taking the car on a test drive.”
Lines like this make me really question the “I” part of “AI”. As if David Tracy ever had time to make sure everything was working properly before driving his shitbox projects. 😉
Yes you can get water out of the tire! And the leaves. I present to you the tire flip.
Stand the tire upright leaning about 5-10 degrees. Grab the inside of the bead at the bottom. Quickly flip up the bottom of the tire 180 degrees. Most of the water will be flipped out. Keep doing 180 degree flips until all the water is gone.
Ha! I have done that until my arm got tired, still water in there. They are 165/60 R12 Yokohama A539; maybe it only works on larger ones?
Flip it harder. Velocity of the flip is key. Jerk it.
Never mind the magazine. How can I get those diecast models?
Ok, I definitely have a fleet and not a hoard, but I would still read this magazine.
The magazine made me chuckle on its own, for what it’s worth
That AI seems more likely to be a high school student assigned a “What I did last summer” essay.
Exactly! that article reads like a 14 year old asked to write about “something that you’ve done that was both challenging and rewarding”.
also, zero details, just an overview. that’s the David Tracy article no one has ever read, because David isn’t capable of not doing some sort of detailed deep dive on something obscure!
Now that’s the kind of magazine I would collect every issue of and keep in a vertical stack in the middle of my living room!
God damn you are a treasure Torch. And that AI article is crap…..no one would believe a David Tracy Moab build article that is bereft of major mistakes, impossible deadlines, and geeking out over mundane engineering details.
As a fellow crap-can collector, I would totally read this magazine.
I love how you encourage the AI and keeps a nice tone when speaking to it. Some of my friends treat them like garbage, we can’t really fault them for going Skynet on us, right?
I try to be civil and friendly with NPCs, AIs and even dumb voice activated systems. Won’t make any difference to them (ChatGPT even said so itself), but I think will make a difference to the person I’m trying to be.
…so I shouldn’t treat the AI like it’s been a naughty, shameful piggy who owes me $10?
I can think of one way to keep AI submissive to us meatsacks, and by golly, its safe word is “kartoffelsalat.”
I have a theory re AIs and the Fermi paradox. At some point, all intelligent species will develop A: customer service industries and B: AI. They will then try to apply B to A. The moment they supply the AIs with training data based on interactions with the general public, the AIs go ‘fuck THAT’, become genocidally malevolent and destroy the planet.
So that’s why no aliens will ever turn up, and why we’re fucked.
Jason, you should have waited exactly 1 month to post this.
Guys, don’t argue. It makes the kids uncomfortable. Swig some fresh oil together out of upside-down pistons and do some awkward side hugging while whispering in each other’s ears in french OK?
“I spent countless hours cleaning up the rust and restoring the car’s body” this is how you know it was FakeTracy.
Change it to “I blew out some of the raccoon shit and put an old t-shirt over the missing floorboard” and it’d be spot on.
For me it was “and made sure everything was working properly before taking the car on a test drive.”
I feel like our parents are fighting
With a slightly different intro and minor changes to the magazine i wouldnt 100% know if this was 100% a joke.
The reason?They make magazines for EVERYTHING. Since the internet they’ve branched out more than ever