Who says supervillains can’t have a practical car like a European Ford Taunus, ideally with a V4 engine? Of course they can! That’s why the evil Dr.Candlespinner, who commits crimes with the power of his huge, ornate candlesticks and his enchanted spinning wheel drives one! If you ever see this red wagon pulling up by a bank or drug lab or the UN headquarters, get the hell out of there, because before you know it, he’ll have set up his huge candlesticks in a pentagram shape and placed the enchanted spinning wheel in the middle, and begun the process of summoning Dark Entropy Energy into strands created by the spinning wheel then beamed all over to destroy or control nearly anything! He’s a monster!
The famous Dovenapper Family used a white Taunus wagon for their crime sprees, where they’d capture huge flocks of doves and pigeons and train them to do their bidding. This was how they stole 80% of the world’s supply of sapphires back in the 1980s! Remember that? The huge Sapphire Crisis, when the global economy almost failed, until Captain Hyperclam flew in his Atomic Gelatin Rocket to the Oort Cloud and brought back that solid sapphire asteroid, rendering Sapphires nearly valueless, like they are today?
Don’t you remember that? It was a huge deal. Ask your dad about it, I guess.
Dark Entropy Energy is that the same as Lucas Electronics?
Someone spiked Jason’s morning tea with magic mushrooms again.
Nah, that’s just the finest Changli-branded lead poisoning doing its thing.
Those lovely headlamps!
How could Americans be so dumb to mandate the shitty sealed beam headlamps that came in one size and shape (from 1939 to 1957) then two size and one shape (from 1958 on) then three size and two shapes (from 1975 on) and then four sizes and shapes (from 1977 on) for many decades (until 1983 for the composite headlamps and until 1992 for ECE headlamps)? What’s more, they cast so much light upward, giving the obnoxious reflected glare in the rain, fog, and snow.
And Americans haven’t gotten around to mandating the taillamps with separate amber turn signal indicators to this day. Shame that it wasn’t included in the 2021 infrastructure bill as a rider along with the adaptive high beam system.
Lucas Electronics.
In the 1940s, sealed beams were a massive improvement over the total chaos that had preceded them, the mandate overstayed its usefulness, but at one time, it seemed to make a lot of sense. Also, every single car’s headlight could be quickly and cheaply replaced with a quick visit to any grocery store, gas station, or auto parts store, and every time the bulb burned out, you got a completely brand-new headlight, all new reflectors, lens (which was glass), everything.
Fun fact. The original Dovenapper painting was commissioned by John Woo.
“rendering Sapphires nearly valueless, like they are today?”
Last time I checked a flawless synthetic sapphire in most colors (including ruby, a type of sapphire) could be purchased online from Thailand or Ebay for about $1/carat and less as the stones get bigger. Not too far off valueless. You can even get your sapphire with a star.
When you can get perfect for so cheap why anyone would bother paying millions for a dirt stone is beyond me.
“Mhmm yes, this laboratory stone is indeed perfect but it lacks the human suffering of a true luxury good. Into the bin with you.”
I’m now thoroughly convinced that ‘Cold Start’ is actually just Jason posting entries from his dream diary.
You make that sound like a bad thing.
It’s great journalism.
For those unaware and curious it is actually an Original Hello Kitty diary.
As an American, “Ford Taunus” will never not look like a typo to me.
The Ford Taunt Us
Yeah, every time
Taurus or tetanus?
Our hero drives a saab 96, and at the close of the 2nd act the hero and villain discover that they have the same engine….
Dr. Candlespinner appears to have robbed the Antiques Roadshow. Bet he stole his car at an estate sale, because, of course.
Sidekick: “Gee Dr.Candlespinner, what are we gonna drive tonight?”
Dr Candlespinner: “The same thing we drive every night, a European Ford Taunus, ideally with a V4 engine!!”
Are they the same characters as Pinky and the Brain?
Dr Candlespinner’s reign of terror ran unchecked until his alter ego, Boggis, met his match in what’s arguably one of the greatest horror stories of all time, namely, “Parson’s Pleasure” by Roald Dahl.
I love exactly THAT kind of Ford Taunus: It just has such happy smiling headlights and grille 😎
Also, with the chrome/steel grille and headlight frames, it has a sweet Saab/Lancia/Wartburg vibe, so it actually doesn’t look like a Ford at all, I guess that’s what I really like about it…
And Dr. Candlespinner’s menacing catchphrase?
“It’s your turn to come to the light.”
So…it WAS Colonel Mustard with a Candlestick!!!
Pretty sure that’s a Professor Plum, dude.
Shame that Europe got the cool Fords.
Now, nobody gets cool Fords, because One Ford means crossovers worldwide
Who can forget the legendary Scarlet Strangler and her Menace Mist, seducing plutocrats and then killing them so she can redistribute their wealth to the Reds?
That guy should’ve defended himself with his cane. It appears to be too late though, she has him in her deadly gaze.
Torch’s exposure to lead dust is really taking the site to another level.
I haven’t been able to tell the difference yet, not sure I ever will.