Stephen and I both bought very different cars at approximately the same time. I picked up this lovely E39 530i Sport. He purchased a 1994 Supercharged Buick Park Avenue Ultra that looks like it lived most of its life at the bottom of a lake. A bad lake. He paid less because, well, his car is a rusty piece of shit and mine is maybe the last best car ever made. Stephen has it in his head that he’s going to somehow convince readers, at the end of this, that he has made the better purchase. Good luck!
Let’s check in and see how it’s going:
looooooool. Senõr Gossin is a lovely guy and a talented musician, but clearly all of that has gone to his head. The hubris is unimaginable. Even better, he polled our Slack room for what to do next. A slack room made of people who consistently make questionable car decisions, like chainsawing their own battery packs.
Here comes DT with some advice:
Laurence checked in from Australia:
And everyone reiterated their (wrong) views:
Adrian is only here for chaos:
Adrian chose push button, so we ended up with a tie. After all of that. Thankfully, The Bishop always delivers:
What a fucking heap.
I say strip everything out. Put in some nice carpet and drapes. Solar panels and rent it our as a small apartment.
Fix it or do a proper bypass; why do something that looks half-ass when a real solution isn’t that hard.
The issue with the system is most likely in the key switch of column wires (especially if it has a tile column) and diagnosing it is pretty easy.
If you really don’t want to fix it and value your time and sanity they also make plug and play solutions for the resistor method. For an extra 30 bucks you can save a bunch of time.
You can also just measure the key resistance and buy the right resistor from the word go…
Stop making sense. We’re looking for a good story here.
I feel like documenting the resources and methods to repair or easily work around a common problem with old cars IS a good story for an automotive enthusiast site…
Or do y’all just want content on how to be a hack?
Hear me out: rip the entire interior out, rip the drivetrain out, and Type 4 swap it.
Add a roll cage, and sure, start button because race car. Then race it.
That is probably the only reliable way to de-funk-ify it.
I am proud of this group so much.
I suggest a beathalyzer.
Do you want a website? Or do you wanna see us all in rehab?
https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/799971887957467/?mibextid=dXMIcH
Should Merxedes buy this?
Variable resistor and memorizing the position to start the car should work fine. Mount it in the ashtray since it’s not good for anything anymore except the 12v outlet. In a sketchy area turn it off and nobody will figure out how to turn it on.
No matter how sketchy the area, I don’t think anyone is going to want to steal that Buick.
Unless they want to do him a favor.
Push button start…, but put it on the floor.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
-Dr Ian Malcolm
I vote “burn it with fire” as the giant mold colonies in that vehicle will surly kill anyone spending too long in it. However, if you are committed to this agonizing death, then at least save some trouble and go with a push-button start/pump bypass switch. Much more hooptie too.
Fortune favors the brave.
I’going to soak this hoss with sunshine and a strong serving of this: Mold Armor
Let’s go!
Throw that thing in a volcano as a sacrifice to the vengeful god of your choice.
Sodium hypochlorite is bleach that could mess up any fabric. Try Concrobium mold control. If you have a lot to spray down it is super easy to make it yourself. Its a very small amount of trisodium phosphate, sodium carbonate which is also called washing soda in stores (or bake baking soda for 1 hr at 375f and it turns into sodium carbonate by itself), and a little baking soda and distilled water. Very small amounts of the chemicals. I worked out the ratio from the Concrobium patent but would have to dig around to find it. https://patents.google.com/patent/US20090074878
Toss a match was always the only option.
I vote push button start. https://www.amazon.com/Jtron-Racing-Ignition-Rocking-Indicator/dp/B07GCLG2CV/ref=asc_df_B07GCLG2CV/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=331754389630&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16898237291945067198&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9001898&hvtargid=pla-646373828156&psc=1
Or Go baby Go ala Gone in 60 seconds.
South Main Auto on YouTube has a video where he puts in a variable resistor and turns it until the car starts. Measures the resistance and puts in the right resistor.
Between him and Pine Hollow Diagnostics, a treasure trove of electrical troubleshooting videos.
This is the “right” solution but takes a little extra equipment (i.e., the variable resistor).
This is the correct take. VATS wasn’t a great system, so there are a variety of clever troubleshooting tricks out there for it – a variable resistor is one of them.