Some car enthusiasts love their rides so much, they send the brand a letter about how much they adore their car. I love Smart so much I named myself after its parent company. Rob loves his Toyota 4Runner so much that he wrote an essay about it and sent it to colleges and Toyota. Perhaps as endearing as the letters themselves are how automakers respond to their biggest fans.
For me, Smart USA considered making my story into an ad campaign, and in the end, I’d get a free car. That was torpedoed when Mercedes-Benz USA took over distribution from Penske Automotive Group. In more recent times, a PR person at U-Haul sent me merch and a lengthy handwritten to thank me for being such a big U-Haul fan.
But, what if you love a brand that’s been dead and gone for a long time? Sid Bridge offers an amusing fictional tale:
Just trying to imagine if I tried this today:
Dear GM,
I just wanted to write to express my love for my 1968 Oldsmobile, a faithful companion to me for the last 23 years. With every turn of the key, the roar of it’s big block V8 makes me happier than you can imagine. I look forward to many more miles and many more years with my 4-4-2.
-Sid
Dear Sid,
My name is Frank. It’s my job to read all of these letters and send replies. This is the first Oldsmobile letter I’ve gotten since I took this job. I’m sure my predecessor had a few, but I can’t ask him because he fell asleep with a cigar in his mouth and now we don’t have a break room or Marshall anymore. I’m going to miss Marshall. He always had Starlight mints.
Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yes. Your Oldsmobile. I shared your letter with my immediate supervisor and received a reprimand for mentioning a dead brand in front of him. My bonus just went down by 15%, so I’m a little salty right now, but I can’t blame that on you, in spite of your inability to let go of the past and see any of the great new offerings from General Motors. Seriously, man. We have a Chevy Equinox that makes more factory horsepower than those Oldsmobiles did.
But I’m assuming you really wrote hoping for some free Oldsmobile swag. We don’t have any. The brand’s been dead for almost two decades. The best I can do is enclosed in this envelope. I’m sending you a cute little business card that turns into a sponge. It says “Safelite” on it because that’s who I got it from. I’m also including my most treasured possession, the charred remains of Marshall’s cigar. He sure picked the best cigars to smoke while immolating himself in our break room.
I do hope you continue to enjoy your Oldsmobile. I’m still driving a Chevy Trax with 180,000 miles on it and a rattle in the dashboard that not one genius in this office can figure out. It just keeps rattling and rattling way, even as my ex-wife drives around in the Toyota Highlander that I’m still paying for while giving road head to the f**king contractor who remodeled our bathroom.
Good day, sir.
That’s it, that just takes all of COTD today. You rock, Sid! Have a great evening, everyone.
(Top image: Oldsmobile)
Regrettably, I declined an offer of road head once, having just reread John Irving’s ‘World According to Garp’ and that bit where Garp’s wife accidentally bites off her boyfriend’s wang when Garp’s car hits hers, after coasting into the driveway behind her with it’s lights and engine off.
I’m not positive, but I think I was driving an ’84 (Rabbit) GTI at the time. There’s not a heck of a lot of room in the driver’s lap AFAICR, even if I was a lot skinnier back then. It was uncharacteristic of my then-GF to make such an offer, but sweet nonetheless, hence my regret decades later.
You live and learn, hopefully. 😉
My first car was an Oldsmobile. Second car was a Plymouth. I now have a Pontiac. I’m making my way through dead American brands that existed in my lifetime alphabetically starting with O. I think that means Saturn is next for me. LW300 wagon seems up my alley if I can find one in good shape.
Let us know how it works out when you get to Tucker.
Fortunately I put in the “existed in my lifetime” caveat because Tucker was dead before I was born. As was Packard who I skipped. Otherwise there’s a metric crap ton of short lived brands out there….
Aw. You guys rock.
Made my day, Mercedes.
It was an epic story Sid – comedy, tragedy, sex, and a big block V8. You’re an early contender for Comment of the Year, in my book.
funniest thing I ever read on Autopian
I miss my Alero.
Oldsmobile FTW!
Dear Corvair Owner:
Thank you for your interest in our mid engine Corvette. Unfortunately we cannot accept your $200 Corvair Owner loyalty credit in part payment nor can we acknowledge the existence of that coupon or the Corvair. Have you considered our Chevrolet Bolt?
Dear Stellantis,
I just wanted to write to express my appreciation for my Dodge, now colloquially known as the “Detroit Diplomat” in certain automotive enthusiast circles.
I bought it new, more than forty years ago.
Back when meth wasn’t a thing yet. Before I lost most my teeth biting down too hard on these invisible sandwiches I’m always chewing on….
I like to imagine the Pontiac guy is still alive, still has a mullet, and would reply to correspondence with a lot of “hell yeahs!” and references to Van Halen songs. Might even send you a backlit PONTIAC sign with one of the bulbs burned out.
Ride Pontiac Ride!
I wanna know more about Marshall, any backstory there?