Back When Lincoln Tried AI Models: Cold Start

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You know how there’s all that talk about artificial intelligence (AI) potentially replacing writers now? And how some automotive websites I could mention are actually run by companies that are using AI to write crappy articles? Sure you do. Well, get this – back in the 1980s, it appears that Lincoln dabbled in AI replacing human talent, too: in this case, car models. Don’t believe me? Look up there! Look at those sexy bald robots trying to get you into a new Lincoln!

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Lincoln went full-in on AI models, hiring defense contractor Raytheon to develop robotic models to showcase their cars, replacing expensive and often problematic human models. As you can see, Raytheon did all they could to make these robots nice and sexy, complete with erotic radiation (ER) emitters in seven locations on the robot, capable of broadcasting sexy feelings at a rate of 46 thirsticlons/meter.

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Lincoln even developed a sort of “Turing test” for their robotic models: they’d heat them up to human body temperature and moisten the robot’s stainless steel and polished aluminum skins with various lotions, then shove a blindfolded human in a closet with the robot, with instructions to dry-hump whomever they found themselves in the closet with.

The human test subject was not told if they were being placed in a closet with a human or robot, and most of the subjects didn’t seem able to tell the difference, or, if they could, they just didn’t care.

Lincoln’s bold AI experiment ended in 1988 when a malfunctioning robot model slapped the dentures out of 44% of Lincoln’s executive staff and set a break room on fire.

The robots responsible escaped capture and remain at large today. In fact, reports have surfaced that one of them was asking about you.

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Mercedes Streeter

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33 thoughts on “Back When Lincoln Tried AI Models: Cold Start”

  1. Is there something wrong with me? That car looks awesome (except for the fake almost wire wheels!), if I could get one with modern suspension and engine (and hydraulic power steering) I would be at the dealer now. Love the look – even the pinstripes- the world needs more pinstripes!

    1. That’s the Continental Givenchy Designer Series, so my guess is it’s a version of the signature of Count Hubert James Marcel Taffin de Givenchy, even though it’s not the version typically used for the Givenchy brand’s logo.

  5. The Model T-X Terminator is capable of easily crushing a human spinal column with just two fingers, and its thighs can crush with a pressure greater than an industrial hydraulic press.
    I’m not going anywhere near that closet.

    1. Yeah but ya gotta check out sometime. I can think of a lot worse ways to go.

      At least this way you’ll end it all with a goofy smile on your face.

      1. I’ll stand with you on this hill.

        The Beatles are as overrated as Nirvana and Santana.

        I mean.. Nirvanas best songs were just cheap rip offs of The Meat Puppets.
        Santana can’t hold a candle to The Mars Volta and the best songs The Beatles ever came up with sound like kids bop compared to ELO.

        1. The only Beatles song that I ever really liked was Revolution. The were just a bit before my time. But that’s just me… The Rolling Stones, however, made (and still make) timeless music.

  8. Years ago, I read an account of an ad photo shoot for a Lincoln Town Car. Twas the 80’s, I believe.

    Anyway, they had a black Town Car against a black background with a model in a slinky black dress. Someone spoke up saying “There’s too much black. We need some contrast!”

    Someone – who is lost to history – suggested bring in a polar bear and putting it in the car. This was hailed as a brilliant idea.

    The bear was brought in, heavily sedated. It could walk, but it was quite docile. It was led into the car and the door closed.

    When the bear settled into the compartment, it sat on one of the lights.

    Instantly, the bear was awake and UNHAPPY. But also trapped in the car.

    Everyone just decided the best thing to do was empty the studio, shut off the lights, and let the bear calm down before extracting it.

    Later, when checking out the car, the interior was, of course, destroyed, and HUUUUGE claw marks were visible through the roof skin.

    I read this story decades ago, but I still think about it occasionally…

    1. While we may not be able to prove that it wasn’t, I don’t know that any chat bot could ever emulate Torch. True randomness is incredibly hard for computers.

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