With thousands of viewers the world over, the great hive mind of The Autopian is something that cannot be ignored. The higher-ups at this fine website have acknowledged this fact by providing a handy “tips” tab at the top of the page you’re scrolling right now, allowing any reader to offer up automotive content that other car-crazed loons like yourself might enjoy. You saw an El Camino limousine with Gucci branding on the sides? Send in the pics! Footage of some Karen in a Cayenne stuck on one of those red spheres in front of Target? Bring it on! A lovely, touching road trip story of two friends reconnecting on a road trip? Well, does the car blow up en route? No? Then forget it! Just kidding. Anyway, we’ll certainly take a look at whatever crap you’ve got.
As odd as you would expect these submissions to occasionally be, we were still taken aback by one “tip” that was submitted a week ago:
Whoa! Did you want to order a pizza, too, guy? How do you answer this strange query? I see three possible replies. The first (and correct) response is to ignore it. The second response would be to tell this gentleman that The Autopian does not, in fact, produce anything other than rather pointless stories about things like diesel motorcycles and eating food in cars; a far cry from physical tractors. The third solution would be give this kind sir the “different tractor machine” that they desperately need, which would make no sense for us to do.
You already know which direction were going to go, don’t you? Let’s begin.
The Different Kind Of Tractor Machine
The tipster that emailed us obviously gave a pretty definitive description of the kind of tractor they were looking for, primarily that it needs to be “different” and a “machine.” OK, so not a lot to work with. Naturally, this request leaves us rather open to our interpretation of this vehicle, which is fortunate since the build-a-car-from-scratch skills of the Autopian staff are pretty limited.
We were all rather inspired by a story from Jason a little while back about the Powell vehicle from the 1950s. Here was a brand ‘new’ truck straight-out-of-Compton (no, they really built it there) that was literally built from old Plymouths dragged out of junkyards.
This is the ultimate upcycling story and easy to understand once we Midwesterners see California cars with zero corrosion whatsoever. This odd production process seems almost perfectly Autopian, so we would employ the same idea for our new ‘tractor.’ The question is, what car would we steal end-of-life examples from junkyards to make into ‘tractors’? What is plentiful, durable, and relatively cheap? A fair number of choices I can think of, but decade-and-a-half old Corolla accident-write-offs seems like a great choice. David probably passes dozens of these things on every junkyard trip that he takes, so if he could bring back a couple examples each week to one of Beau’s facilities and hide them under tarps rather easily.
Under cover of night and with Autopian T shirts draped over the security cameras, David could roll one of these sad, dinged-up little Toyotas into the shop each evening. Headlamps, fenders, hood and doors would all go into the dumpster (or Facebook marketplace), and David would then fire up the cutting torch.
After slicing the roof just aft the windshield and the floor right behind the front seats, he could then weld on a steel structure to the sills with a “roll bar” and little legs sticking out of the back. A giant, single rear wheel bolts onto these legs, and by sunrise Mr. Tracy has a three wheeled rolling “tripod” base for this new tractor.
The (Sort Of) Finished Product
David could source some tough looking fiberglass components to replace the hood and front fenders; rattle canning any exposed structure in flat black would make the old Corolla completely unrecognizable. Waterproof seat covers and rubber floor mats fight off the elements. There’s a high intensity light bar option, as well as wheel choices.
The end result is the Farm (or Fun) Utility Car-based Tractor, or FUCT (pronounced FOOKED like you have a Scottish accent):
You might not believe it, but some of the first tractors were made with a three wheeled layout like this; even John Deere offered such a design in the form of the Dain tractor. The Glasgow Company made their own three wheeler to navigate the wet, rough Scottish countryside. High manufacturing costs eventually caused tractor makers to turn to the more cost effective two-wheels-in-back format; obviously that might not have been the case if these people had old Toyotas to cut up, right? Damn, you really hang off the back of these things, don’t you?
There’s also small three wheeled lawn tractors that use this layout today:
We’d offer several versions of our Different Tractor Machine, the FUCT. For real cheapskates, the DT1000 model wouldn’t even have a rear suspension. The more complex MT2000 takes the left or right hand rear suspension components from the old Corolla and mounts it to the rear structure for a better ride (but less load capacity). The JT3000 is the ultimate model that could offer two side-by-side rear wheels (but then it’s technically a four wheeler); there’s even a JTS3000 “Signature” Edition with special black-and-gold paint scheme and the autograph of one of The Autopian’s founders on the Corolla dashboard (“Don’t Stop Dreaming…Jason Torchinsky”). Here is the “catalog” our tipster requested:
Putting It To Work- Or Play
What could this “tractor” actually do? Since we were given so little to go off of, we determined that a ‘different’ kind of machine might be something smaller that non-farmers might find useful; almost like a big lawn tractor. You could mow or aerate the lawn, maybe till some soil. In the winter you could wrap a canvas-and-vinyl top over the roll bar and windshield to stay warm while you plow the driveway. You could add a front end loader as well; if you’re afraid of the thing tipping forward then counterweight in the form of fillable water tanks on the back would do the job.
What about when the workday is done? Do you just park it? No, that’s when the fun begins. The Corolla was a street legal car before it ended up at pick-a-part, so why not take it out on the roads again? The little Toyota was hardly the last word in driving excitement in stock form, but chopping off nearly a thousand pounds of weight and having no doors or roof would likely make it a hoot to drive. On the street or in mild off road situations, our “different tractor” would become sort of a more useable Polaris Slingshot; almost a second car. Need your tractor to do more than a typical tractor? Then go get FUCT!
We have yet to hear back from our tipster to see if this “different tractor machine” is what he had in mind, though I’d like to think he’ll be pretty stoked at the result. If so, we’ll hit the salvage yards shortly and make his dreams come true.
Do you have a need for some kind of specialized vehicle from the Autopian team? There’s a “tips” tab right up top- use it!
Our Daydreaming Designer Imagines The Tesla Of Ride On Lawn Mowers – The Autopian
How Our Daydreaming Designer Would Turn A Scion xB Into A Delightful Camper – The Autopian
The Daydreaming Designer Shows How To Make A Budget Tiny House From A Broken RV – The Autopian
Our Daydreaming Designer Creates The Minivan Of Motorcycles – The Autopian
I love the fact that you took a page from Tesla and left a fun easter egg when you push all the model names together. DTMTJTS – which, of course, spells “dirty empty jorts”. That’s what you did, right? …right?
archimus…uh…no…but I am glad to see that our readers have the same twisted sense of reality as I do. You have the ability to take the absurd and run with it
We’ve already recently seen The Cutting Torch in action removing the swollen batteries from his Chang-Li. Given that he’s normally a little high-strung I have feelings of curiosity and dread at both the thought of seeing him in a ‘fired up’ state and at seeing what David would do to get him there.
Plenty of Model Ts and As were turned into tractors. Kits providing a low-ratio rear axle with large steel wheels were quite popular. On the other hand, there was the Minneapolis Moline Comfortractor, which attempted to allow the frugal farmer to use his tractor as a roadable vehicle that could carry the family to town.
https://www.hemmings.com/stories/article/1938-farm-on-1938-minneapolis-moline-udlx-comfortractor
The FUCT, alas, doesn’t have the ground clearance to be a practical tractor. Plus, there’s a reason that three-wheelers (especially three wheelers with a rear, center wheel) fell out of favor: It’s harder to fit between rows of crops when you have a third track to deal with. Tractors with close or single front ‘pony wheels’ made steering easier in the days before power steering, but there’s really no use for a rear single wheel that you can’t see and can’t get around rows of crops.
That Comfortractor is the most amazing thing I have ever seen
My great grandfather farmed with a Model A based tractor or ‘doodlebug’ as they were called.
Hey, that John Deere F525 is my mower! Almost 30 years old and it just runs and runs. Very maneuverable with the three wheels.
Dude. That’s not a Lambo, or even a Porsche.
The JPS <=> JTS black-and-gold reference … *chef’s kiss*
https://live.staticflickr.com/7861/40065575403_e37d1a6491_b.jpg
Corollas don’t really die, do they? They just keep on running and running until people lose interest and park them somewhere with the keys in the ignition so someone else can drive it until they lose interest or die.
Just trying to figure out how any junkyard would ever come into possession of a Corolla. I know they aren’t getting stolen. They are just there. Always. Watching us. They know about your tractor plot now. John Deere is already preparing software-based threat to keep these things off of farms.
“They just keep on running and running until people lose interest and park them somewhere with the keys in the ignition so someone else can drive it until they lose interest or die.”
Well, the secret is out now I guess.
Thanks a lot.
You just doubled the price of my next car, if my current one would please go ahead and die already.
I leave the keys in it every day.
I’m not even sure it’s still the one I bought originally. I have noticed that the contents of the glove box do seem to change randomly.
Missing the flail attachment. Today’s version is a lot safer, but for the big jobs you’d want one like this.
I believe that’s the Utility Pinwheel, part code FUCT-UP
I would have thought the DT would only come in rust with a 5-year supply of tetanus shots. The JTS had better come equipped with amber turn signals, but alas, no rear 3/4 view to verify.
Rief- yes, the DT model has a 5 year rust guarantee, meaning it is guaranteed to rust through within that time. Even the fiberglass parts.
Whale oil beef hooked
I probably would have just referred them to the New No New Age Advanced Ambient Motor Music Machine.
But I guess then they wouldn’t be getting FUCT.
You could form a car club around these, but what would you call it? Hmm, FUCT Buddies?
Sounds like someone from a non-English-speaking country needs to pull a tank out of the mud. Although there’s not enough information to know whether I should be rooting for them or not.
AHEM. That video is an Altima, not a Cayenne.
Aside from that slight (I feel PERSONALLY ATTACKED by having to look at an Altima), this seems like…good cotomer sevis?
Came here to say Autopian has good cotomer sevis. I actually kind of irrationally want that Corolla tractor… Who wouldn’t want a versatile little vehicle with Toyota reliability?
awesomeaustinv- I know, right? You can buy a Honda anything but I want choice
Aw man, you had to come up with this AFTER I sold my crappy old Corolla? I need a snowplow for next winter, because I live on a steep dead-end hill, and when it snows, I’m, well, fooked. I could have had David come up and do an on-site conversion. Talk about content!
It also occurs to me that if you locked the steering, put the rear wheel on a caster so it can swivel, and add dune buggy-style turning brakes, you’ve got an almost zero-turn tractor. Perfect for maneuvering trailers around.
“The FUCT: A Thousand And One Sketchy Uses!”
Mark- I did think about adding a turning rear wheel but couldn’t find a cheap way to do it other than a boat-like tiller going through the back window.
Screw it, put the turning brakes on anyway to just assist with tight turns. The back end unladen will be super light, so it wouldn’t be hard to just slide the rear tire around with one of the front wheels braking. Also it’s just more fun this way 😉
What if you just set it on a caster with one of the rear shocks mounted horizontally to prevent caster wobble?
Get ‘FUCT’
“Outstanding In Their Field”
Grumble grumble edit button grumble.
It’s not the edit buttons fault.
You need to slow down and think before you post.
Your right. It kinda ruins the joke when we just keep replying ourselves afterward in an attempt to fix it.
Just let it go.
“Do you want to be out standing in your field?”
Then get ‘FUCT’
“Questionable equipment for questionable people.”
I hope you’re proud of yourself.
It didn’t make sense. Tractors don’t stand.
Knock it off, you two!
Sorry, we are somewhat new at this, posting comments on the internet.
We’ve only got 1.14 years of practice at it.
Working on it.
This place makes a great classroom though.
Sincerely.
You’re*
You’re right.
*to
We have just such a Corolla in the current fleet. Perfectly adequate for daily usage, I personally hate driving it a interstate speeds., it is happiest under 70 mph w/ the 4 speed auto. I consider the underbody corrosion protection to be exemplary and we live in Pittsburgh area.
The third solution would be give this kind sir the “different tractor machine” that they desperately need, which would
make no sense for us to dobe 100% on brand for this lunatic asylum we love so much.What about when the workday is done? Do you just park it? No, that’s when the fun begins! I want my accessory number F1306 which replaces the rear tire with a skid mount so I can take it skid plate racing.
In honor of DT I want my tractor machines to be made out of an Olds Alero and a Kia Rio. I’m far too cheap to step up to the Tucker or Torchinsky models.
Loved the article! Keep the insanity coming.
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WTF! How much do I make the check out for!?! I need the MT2000 with a sweeper and a mower. I assume your GPS autodrive system is open source to comply with right to repair laws…..
Of course it is! The “G” in GPS in this case stands for George; he’s a kindly old fella who rides along reading directions off one o’them newfangled cellphone dealies, while adding his own helpful directions: “Now up here you wanna turn left, by where the Arco station used ta be. If you see Bob Gunderson’s place, with the blue Impala in the driveway, ya gone too far.”
With racing lawnmowers being A Thing, I think you guys have made the best-possible ringer.
Gentlemen, do you offer a racing variant? Improved suspension, better tires for dirt, a bit of a racing tune?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFe5UqAbyfU
Acierocolotl- I ran out of time but the racing series was my next plan, on dirt of course
And if YOU want to buy a Toyota repurposed into a piece of race-ready farm equipment, you can go to T-H-E-A-U-T-O-P-I-A-N dot com!
…If you aren’t the Acierocolotl I’m thinking of, that’s a joke for nobody, but that’s all right.
“the cutting [T]orch” in this context refers to Mr. Torchinsky and his battery-slicing chainsaw, right?
Now I’m picturing DT walking up to a shed in a backyard somewhere, opening the door, and out comes JT with his saw, running around like a demented chicken. “Grab ‘im!” yells Otto, and the chase begins!
A mix of leather face and Patrick Bateman with a yarmulke and the glazed over eyes characteristic of lead poisoning
I’m picturing a new line of merch:
The Autopian: A Different Kind of Tractor Machine
Also there was a company (?) called Fuct some years ago that offered t-shirts and other items where they parodied the Ford logo. I believe Ford went after them for infringement, despite parody being permitted under USC 17 section 107 (which covers fair use) – not sure how that played out.
Absolutely! “Go Get FUCT!” all over the place. Shirts, stickers, playing cards, etc.
Is this guy also looking for a V8 motorcycle frame, by any chance?
The Autopian has good cotomer sevis.
Nah, they suck, they gust lost sale
Did you also provide the tipster with a link to the merch? They very clearly requested more catalog, so they must want to buy something.
If I may offer an alternative reading of that plaintive request: This is a reader with only marginal fluency in English, looking for more Lamborghini articles.
That is all. Carry on.