A Warning To Anyone Going To David’s Party: David Is Throwing The Party – Tales From The Slack

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This is Tales From The Slack, the member’s only post where we highlight the utter madness that is working at this nut farm. It’s simultaneously amusing and humbling to think any of you read this site and any of you would ever want to hang out with any of us. It seems like many of you are going to be hanging out with David at a party and, oh boy, it seems like it’ll be fun.

Before I get into that, I also want to acknowledge how terrible it is to make this a Member’s Only post. In theory, some of the people coming to the party will not be members and therefore will see this post and have to subscribe in order to get the warning. It’s like those people who live in places where you have to pay for fire service and they don’t, and a fire happens, so the firefighters just show up and stand around in case it accidentally catches a real house on fire. You know what, I’m gonna put the key part in the lead photo so they can see it, at least.

Ok, that’s done. Here are some highlights from just this morning as David prepares to clean up his place so he can move. My theory is that David really does want to move, but that he has not fully accepted his own desires. This leads his brain to constantly self-sabotage and create distractions so that he doesn’t actually just pack like a damn adult. Also, if David didn’t second-guess things he’d never think about them at all.

Milk

Amazingly, the one thing that he doesn’t think about is the food in his kitchen. He once left a rotisserie chicken he was heating up in his oven in there for three months! Here’s the milk:

Milkphoto

Let’s enhance that:

Screen Shot 2023 02 03 At 1.07.09 Pm

That’s year-old milk. The good news is that David finally cleaned out all of the places where one might find old food in his house, namely: His fridge, his oven, his microwave, and his shower.

Nowater

I am not involved with this party. When I throw a party it’s always awesome and there are shrimpbarrows. For the record. Many of us pointed out that if the pipes are frozen he should just turn on the heat in his place, which I’m not sure he’d thought of somehow? I think it’ll be fine. Jason is going and I’m sure he’ll set it straight. Let’s check in on Jason:

Whatisjasondoing

Good luck everyone! A quick note about parking:

  1. We promised all Rich Corinthian Leather members they’ll get special parking, so you’re allowed to just park right up on David’s front lawn. Go for it.
  2. Everyone else park in the back.
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71 thoughts on “A Warning To Anyone Going To David’s Party: David Is Throwing The Party – Tales From The Slack”

  3. I was already on the fence about becoming a member, but my brain convinced me that I needed to read about this depravity and degeneracy. Damn you Matt, you’re good.

    I’m quite disappointed that I can’t make this despite being a Metro Detroit local (had a bachelor party in northern Michigan). I would’ve been thrilled to meet Torch, David and Mercedes, and see the house of misfit Jeeps and accompanying squalor firsthand. Someone please take lots of pictures and do a write up. I’m extremely curious whether David will get his security deposit back (my guess is no, lol).

  6. No running water? Good thing I’m too far away to attend. With all of the mileage I put on my velomobiles, I eat, drink, and excrete like a horse, so the circumstance of no working plumbing would not be very accommodating to my presence, unless you want me bothering your landlord or neighbors for their facilities or leaving unpleasantries in your landlord’s yard like a dog. Yeah, no bueno. I can go through a 2 lb bag of almonds, an 8 oz box of raisins, and two gallons of water in a 150 mile ride, so I’ll leave to your imagination the consequences of that. Although if I did attend, I’d bring plenty of intoxicants for those who wish to imbibe in them, and a wide assortment, at that. No offense intended to all you squares, but that’s how I roll.

    I look forward to the writeup of the events. Sounds like some wild times. Best of luck with the move. I like how the Rich Corinthian Leathers get to park on the lawn, like the common stereotype for the Latinos of the U.S.(Nothing against anyone of any race, I just find stereotypes funny and the explicit mention of this privilege reminded me of one). Are lawn jobs permitted?

  8. I’ll be sleeping on the floor there tomorrow night, so everybody keep me in your prayers I guess lol.

    I’m flying in from Mississippi, anybody coming from further away?

    1. Hey it’s a nine hour flight for me and I considered it.

      But then I realised I might get roped into helping him pack or move. And i don’t do manual labor.

    1. Don’t bother. There’s probably at least one mixed in somewhere with all that other stuff, unused. Unused, that is, for its purpose as a hazmat suit.

  11. Let’s back up a moment here.

    David, a man who has lived in the Midwest for his whole life and an ENGINEER who worked on COOLING SYSTEMS, decided to turn off his heat but not turn off the water and drain his pipes in the middle of winter in the greater-Detroit metropolitan area?

    I’m just going to state what we knew already. You are not getting that security deposit back.

  13. I’m both very scared and intrigued by this party. I’m still curious how this backyard parking is going to work for most. There’s still 4-5 inches of snow on the ground at my place (just about 5 miles from the party headquarters) so unless everyone has a 4WD it could get really interesting back in that yard. Sounds like when we are hooking up our tow straps later in the evening we may need to avoid the yellow snow.

      1. Also:

        Make sure your policy doesn’t exclude “willfully reckless actions actions on the part of the insured” – like visiting a Superfund* site:

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Superfund_sites_in_Michigan
        (Note – I am sure of David’s address so I don’t now which of these is his place)

        Or drinking Malort – pretty sure that most policies exclude that for sure.

        * “The CERCLA federal law of 1980 authorized the United States Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) to create a list of polluted locations requiring a long-term response to clean up hazardous material contaminations.[1] These locations are known as Superfund sites, and are placed on the National Priorities List (NPL).

  14. Adrian Clarke took the words right out of my mouth. We can focus on year old expired milk but we can’t ignore the fact that he has MULTIPLE expired milks. Good lord DT!

    I hope everyone has all their shots if they’re going to the party because I am scared for all of you. Also can’t wait to hear what you guys write about the party.

    2. I’m thinking this party requires a video and a live podcast for autopian subscribers who can’t make it.
      Or maybe not if you don’t want to leave evidence.

    3. Look even closer and you will see multiple types of milk – 2%, whole, etc. WTF? Does David operate on different “weights” depending on the time of year like a car does with motor oil?

      1. To be fair, I kind of do the same thing, I just buy whatever milk has the furthest out expiration date, sometimes skim, sometimes 2%, whatever. Of course, I don’t have all of them in the fridge at the same time

    4. Is it weird that I’m more concerned about the frozen water lines? I slept in a dark, cold house all week because I was concerned about a burst.

      Like, at least make an attempt to get some deposit cash back. You might be able to buy a whole ‘nother $1 Alero!

  15. A free exhaust manifold for anyone willing to do a shot of the year-old milk! The party is shaping up to be Epic. There’s just nothing like a good spectacle, and this sounds like it’s about to deliver. So much tetanus, chances at food poisoning, and probably a large number of random car parts to sprain an ankle while tripping over. Wish I could be there (seriously)! Unfortunately, my marching orders this week included a Monday deadline for the animation I’m working on, which is still rendering as I type this. Also, the Caddy I was planning to drive sprung a pretty nasty oil leak that I haven’t had a chance to look at yet. Granted, that just meant I was going to take my Spark if time allowed (it’s a roughly nine-hour trip), which sounds like it would’ve been the better choice anyway based on the parking situation. Have an absolute blast!

  16. Before rushing to judge, I think we should give David a great deal of credit for thinking to ask others about the implications of the water situation.

  17. If you arrive before I consume most of it, readers can enjoy Malort, a glorious taste of Chicago! Expect a taste similar to that of a burned condom covered in gasoline.

    4. Sounds like quite the white russian variant could be made with that, some Kalúa, and a solid pour of the year-old milk. Call it a Rusty Tracy.

      2. I hear tell there is a special cocktail in the works, concocted by Laurence, and christened the “Death Wobble” by me. It does contain milk. I assume, perhaps wrongly, that David will pick up a fresh gallon for the occasion.

    5. Back when I was in my twenties and hanging out with an aggressively mediocre group of friends, I would choose Malort when it was my turn to buy a round of shots at the bar.

      Those people are no longer in my life.

    9. Ok, I’ve tried a lot of different concoctions, never even heard of Malort, so looked it up. Suntimes set me straight with reader descriptions. Thoughts and prayers for you all.

  20. I am planning on going to the junkyard, and maybe skipping the house party if Dave seems like he’s too stressed out over it so as not to add to the craziness. If I do go, definitely taking a car sharing service so as not to add to the parking problems. Also shitting before I go

    1. I always think David is exactly like a drunk baby would be like if it could walk, talk, and write.
      C’mon no grown up could come up with shower spaghetti.

  22. Oh man, I seriously considered making the 3.5hr + boarder crossing drive. I was even pricing hotel rooms because its lovely to have a bathroom with running water.

    All this to say, there are many quality hotels within a short uber ride of David’s house if you’re shovel-and-frozen-ground adverse.

    Good luck with the party, you goofballs!

  23. I don’t know if anyone has died of dysentery heading west in some time. David’s dietary and vehicular choices aim to change that.

    Though his odds of disease are probably lower on the road than at home, it seems.

    1. Can Torch make an updated version of Oregon Trail called “The David Tracy Heads West Edition”? Instead of settlers in wagons it should be honeymooners in a Jeep J-10. Just replace dysentery with frostbite since there will be no heat, and instead of herds of bison replace them with salvage yards.

      1. We can’t replace dysentery. If he had year-old milk in his fridge and had to ask if he needed running water to host people., this is a man who could die of dysentery. He could easily die of dysentery, exposure, or both.
        But, yes. That would be a great game.

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