Alfa Romeo Makes History By Building A Truly Ugly Car

Ugly Alfa Ts
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With entry-level electric cars popping up in every corner of Stellantis’ European brands, it was only a matter of time before Alfa Romeo got one. Could it have been a dashing little hatchback with fierce looks and city-wise handling? Possibly, but in the crossover-crazy world of 2024, that’s not what we ended up with. This is the Alfa Romeo Milano, a Franco-Italian crossover that breaks with Alfa Romeo tradition by not being pretty.

First, a little primer on what the Alfa Romeo Milano is. While in the days of old, a Milano was the American version of the BMW-baiting 75 sports sedan, this new Milano is an entry-level crossover that slots beneath the Tonale (read: Dodge Hornet) in the Alfa Romeo lineup. As you’d probably expect from a product like this launching in 2024, it’s electrified, with two electric powertrains and one hybridized three-cylinder rounding out the lineup. The feistiest EV gets 237 horsepower and can be ordered in Veloce spec with a limited-slip front differential, sports suspension, and four-piston front calipers. The other EV drivetrain on offer put out a mere 154 horsepower, but regardless of output, both electric models use a 54 kWh battery pack, can DC fast charge at 100 kWh, and are exclusively front-wheel-drive.

As for the three-cylinder hybrid, it pairs a 1.2-liter turbocharged engine with a 28-horsepower electric motor and a six-speed DCT automatic and can be ordered with either front-wheel-drive or all-wheel-drive. On paper, it seems like a cromulent competitor to entry-level European-market BMW X1s and Mercedes-Benz GLAs, but there’s just one thing holding it back. As I mentioned earlier, this Alfa Romeo has some questionable styling choices that go against Alfa’s history of relatively good taste.

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If you’re looking to find the problem, you won’t see it from the back. Sure, the rear valence has jowls for some reason, but the surfacing of the tailgate is very Italianate, and there’s nothing back here that’s offensive. Boring? Perhaps. The giant slab of plastic on the bumper is utilitarian but downmarket, and the taillights are merely okay. However, okay isn’t ugly. A stick of butter looks okay. A standard light switch looks okay. Okay is perfectly acceptable, and better than ugly.

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Things improve around the side, especially with the fantastic four-spoke wheels, and the remarkable clean surfacing. Sure, one could argue that all the textured plastic around the greenhouse, with big slabs used in the rear door handle and floating C-pillar treatment, looks a bit cheap. One could also argue that the short dash-to-axle ratio leaves the leading edge of the front door looking a little pinched. However, given the limitations of the platform, that last point seems acceptable. The eCMP architecture underpinning the Alfa Romeo Milano also can be found under the Opel Mokka-e and Corsa-e, Jeep Avenger, Fiat 600e, Peugeot e-208 and e-2008, Citroen e-C4 and e-C4X, Lancia Ypsilon, DS 3 Crossback E-Tense, and Dongfeng Aeolus Yixuan EV. It’s an electrified economy car platform, and Alfa Romeo has done remarkably well with it.

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However, as soon as you move around to the front of the Alfa Romeo Milano, you’ll see what the problem is. For one, the additional grillework coming off of the headlights adds more than a hint of Renault to the down-the-road graphic. Considering Alfa Romeo’s position as a premium brand, that certainly isn’t the treatment I’d go for, and it’s not the only odd choice on the front of the car. Alfa’s made its trademark scudetto grille surprisingly busy, with a blown-up version of the serpent and cross that appears on the Alfa Romeo Logo blocking the aperture on electric models, and giant Alfa Romeo script in the grille of combustion models. The former is tacky, the latter is out of place on a modern crossover, and looks out of proportion due to how relatively small the scudetto is. To make way for advanced driver assistance system sensors, it doesn’t extend particularly far into the lower grille, meaning there isn’t quite enough real estate available to do what Alfa Romeo wants to do. Add in air curtains that aren’t harmonized with anything in particular, and you have the recipe for an ugly nose.

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Of course, it also doesn’t help that the dashboard is vaguely reminiscent of a 2017 Toyota Corolla, from the touchscreen integration to the round air vents. Sure, it’s not as flat-faced, and it sports a full digital instrument cluster, but apart from some aggressive bucket seats, there’s not a whole lot in here that screams luxury.

Perhaps thankfully, or confusingly depending on how you want to look at it, the new Alfa Romeo Milano isn’t coming to North America. However, on the face of it, there isn’t much reason to buy one over its eCMP platform-mates. The Lancia Ypsilon has a more interesting interior, the Jeep Avenger looks more handsome, and there’s a solid chance the Opel Corsa-e will be less expensive to buy. With a product like this, you can’t help but wonder if Alfa Romeo’s renaissance is fading, and it almost makes me worried for the future of the storied Italian marque. Then again, it’s not like many of us bought Giulias, so maybe this is what we deserve.

(Photo credits: Alfa Romeo)

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94 thoughts on “Alfa Romeo Makes History By Building A Truly Ugly Car”

  1. I really like the nose. I just don’t like that it’s a tall SUV and would prefer it to be smaller proportioned hatchback.

    But I also like the MiTo.
    So maybe the problem is me.

  4. Doesn’t seem egregiously bad for the segment and I guess it needs to stand out somewhat to get someone to buy it over one of the endless ugly 2-box competitors that are very likely going to be more reliable and retain their value better (assuming the EU market is like the US in that respect). I don’t know why it has to stand out with ugly details, but it seems like designing something to be attractive isn’t popular anymore. At least the display isn’t a tablet stuck onto the dash. Wheels are too big for me. They look like one of those exaggerated design sketches where the tire-less wheels melt into an undefined road surface. I think they’d look better if they were smaller diameter and the centers smaller still.

  5. Well, if you ask me, Alfa has rather glorious history of producing ugly cars, so the Milano is merely an continuation of the bloodline. The 90, 75,166, Brera and MiTo were all aesthetically challenged, so great to see Alfa back in form!

    1. Was just about to add that to my own comment. People only tend to remember the greatest hits, plus as a US-based site, people here are only all the less aware of the mediocre to wince-inducing stuff they’ve made over the years that never made it to the US and weren’t interesting enough to take note of by the FOMO types who think the ordinary crap they sell elsewhere that they don’t get is all that much better than the ordinary crap they do get when the sad truth is that Ordinary Crap is Ordinary Crap. Sure, I’ll take an OC hatch or wagon over an equivalent OC CUV (that are taking over in the EU, also), but OC is built for ordinary people, so most of it isn’t really going to be worth pining for.

    4. I agree the 90, MiTo and 166 were ugly, the 75 was innofensive, but I really liked the Brera.
      I also think the 146 was ugly, but I liked the 145.
      This one is not good-looking, but it’s far from a Juke, Lexus SUVs or new bucktoothed BMWs.
      And I like the interior, it’s very much an Alfa interior.

  9. Its giving me weird scifi bug alien vibes. Yet, for the most part, I’m not as repulsed as I expected to be. The longer I look the more ok it is. Its not great. Its not even stick of butter ok. But its closer to ok the longer I look. Like if you told an MidJourney to create a sexy alien bug. I’m a little uncomfortable being attracted to it. but I am.

  11. Truly ugly might be a bit of a stretch here. The logo thing in the grille is weird looking but the rest looks like a slightly racy CUV which isn’t a terrible thing. The interior looks too busy for my tastes but that seems to be the style these days. At least it seems to have some physical controls rather than everything being on an iPad – hard to tell from the pic how useful it is.

  13. Wait, are we of the opinion that the original Milano was a good looking car? Likely brilliant to drive, but oddly proportioned and kind of charmless except for a few crisp lines.

    Although If they’re going to plaster a giant logo in the grille of the EV, feels like a missed opportunity to not use the easter egg on the Tonale PHEV;
    https://img.sm360.ca/ir/w940/images/inventory/john-scotti-alfa-romeo/alfa-romeo/tonale-phev/2024/31780591/31780591_00533_2024-alfa-romeo-tonale-phev_004.jpg

    2. The OG Milano was such a wonderful car dynamically, that a hundred or so miles behind the wheel — especially on twisty roads — made one forgive any possible visual hiccups. And it wasn’t that awful, anyway. Just different.

      This thing is so freekin’ ugly that its own mama wouldn’t want to be seen in public with it. It makes the original sedan look like Zagato’s finest work.

      Worse, perhaps, this one doesn’t have either that screaming inline-four or the brilliant Busso V6. Just motors that buzz quietly.

      Homely and soulless is a helluva way to go through life. Especially for an Alfa.

      1. Worse, perhaps, this one doesn’t have either that screaming inline-four or the brilliant Busso V6. Just motors that buzz quietly.

        There will be petrol versions, presumably powered by the ubiquitous PSA 1.2L Puretech. Hey, turbo I3s can sound pretty fun!

    3. Yes it is a good looking car. Better than most other square cars in the 80’s. I owned the original Milano (75) as my first car and missed it everyday. Actually I missed it so much that I got a 17′ Giulia when it first came out and it’s since been my daily drive.

      1. I dunno, I love the 164, and the Milano just looks a little tall and oddly proportioned in comparison. I still like it (it’s a RWD Busso-powered sports sedan!), I just don’t think the stylists were doing their best work with it.

  14. Those wheels are far too large in diameter, especially in relation to the size of the brakes and the front end is a fucking hot mess. The interior is actually great looking and doesn’t have the iPad. But really this car just should not exist, build a new Alfasud instead.

  16. Uh… I kinda like it? Certainly can’t call it a wallflower, and when everything these days is yet another crossover, this one will definitely stand out. Actually now that I think about it, put me in the “love it” camp! And those wheels. Drooling.

  17. Sorry Thomas Hyundai,
    You have;
    1. Pepperidge Farm Milano Cookies
    2. Alyssa Milano
    3. Alfa Romeo Milano
    I want all 3, although to be honest you can’t eat the Alfa.

  18. I see they’ve been studying at the GMC/Chevrolet Truckological School of Front Fascia:

    “In dark and barren days, before the seeds of headlights had even been planted, vehicles had one grille. For ages, bored designers ached and slaved away under this constraint: One vehicle, one grille. One vehicle, one grille.

    One day, while bitching about the free coffee onsite to another designer, a designer had an epiphany: what if a vehicle had two grilles? Three? In this way, they set off a beautiful arms race escalation golden age in which no number of grilles was too great, no pairs upon pairs of headlights, vents, ducts, strakes, gaps, or trim was too high. With great and furious fervor, the tooling engineers set to work developing powerful new smashomogical technology, creating powerful machines that could take ever higher numbers of grilles that might have been decent on their own and crushing them into one busy, frightening wall of metal and plastic, taller than a man, wider than a Southerner.”

  19. I don’t think it looks that bad, the center grille insert with the confusing blown-up Alfa logo is the only really odd bit. But if I’m not mistaken, that’s just a hunk of plastic. It shouldn’t take long for the aftermarket to come up with a better-looking grille insert that will cost very little and vastly improve the appearance. Heck, that insert looks like it has a regular grille behind it, so aesthetic enhancements may be as simple as ripping the stock insert out to reveal the grille texture behind it.

    1. There’s other trims that have a 1930s style cursive “Alfa Romeo” script on a mesh grille. I don’t think either one is as bad as the article claims, but I like the classic script one more. The large logo is certainly unique though, I’ll give it that.

  21. That’s ok because it’s still a shitty Alfa product, with the reliability you’ve come to expect from them and anything their parent company makes 🙁

  23. I don’t understand how we can absolutely rip this thing a new one for some less than ideal styling choices, while slathering praise on Hyundai and Kia and merely calling the Toyota CH-R “interesting”. Maybe my hot take is on the wrong article but it’s just not right. Are we mad that the touchscreen isn’t a tablet stuck to the dash now? I thought that was the bad one.

    1. I mean I definitely take issue with the absolutely massive logo plastered on the front of this. That’s what causes me to dislike the front end most. But obviously lots of this criticism is subjective. If you love giant logos, go for it!

    2. I can’t wait to see the Dodge advertising that tries to make it masculine. Have you seen the Hornet ads? They literally have the thing surrounded by V8 powered Dodges and some dude ranting about how THE BROTHERHOOD OF MUSCLE accepts the Hornet due to its POWERFUL, MUSCULAR FEATURES!

      Nothing homoerotic to see there! Anyway I’m sure the Gremlin’s ads will be similarly great. A NEW WET, STEAMY BEAST IS CRAWLING OVER TO YOU SUBMISSIVELY FROM UNDER THE BED! You and the BROTHERHOOD OF MUSCLE are going to let him know who’s DADDY!

      …or the Dodge CEO will go back in time to get the CGI Dodge brothers’ approval and assurances that you can in fact still own the Libs in this brave new electric world. Either works.

      1. In those, I esp. enjoy Dodge’s blatantly milking the images of cars it no longer makes. Makes me wonder if we’ll see the Camaro lurking in the background of some GM crossover ad.

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