Alfa Romeo Makes History By Building A Truly Ugly Car

Ugly Alfa Ts
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With entry-level electric cars popping up in every corner of Stellantis’ European brands, it was only a matter of time before Alfa Romeo got one. Could it have been a dashing little hatchback with fierce looks and city-wise handling? Possibly, but in the crossover-crazy world of 2024, that’s not what we ended up with. This is the Alfa Romeo Milano, a Franco-Italian crossover that breaks with Alfa Romeo tradition by not being pretty.

First, a little primer on what the Alfa Romeo Milano is. While in the days of old, a Milano was the American version of the BMW-baiting 75 sports sedan, this new Milano is an entry-level crossover that slots beneath the Tonale (read: Dodge Hornet) in the Alfa Romeo lineup. As you’d probably expect from a product like this launching in 2024, it’s electrified, with two electric powertrains and one hybridized three-cylinder rounding out the lineup. The feistiest EV gets 237 horsepower and can be ordered in Veloce spec with a limited-slip front differential, sports suspension, and four-piston front calipers. The other EV drivetrain on offer put out a mere 154 horsepower, but regardless of output, both electric models use a 54 kWh battery pack, can DC fast charge at 100 kWh, and are exclusively front-wheel-drive.

As for the three-cylinder hybrid, it pairs a 1.2-liter turbocharged engine with a 28-horsepower electric motor and a six-speed DCT automatic and can be ordered with either front-wheel-drive or all-wheel-drive. On paper, it seems like a cromulent competitor to entry-level European-market BMW X1s and Mercedes-Benz GLAs, but there’s just one thing holding it back. As I mentioned earlier, this Alfa Romeo has some questionable styling choices that go against Alfa’s history of relatively good taste.

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If you’re looking to find the problem, you won’t see it from the back. Sure, the rear valence has jowls for some reason, but the surfacing of the tailgate is very Italianate, and there’s nothing back here that’s offensive. Boring? Perhaps. The giant slab of plastic on the bumper is utilitarian but downmarket, and the taillights are merely okay. However, okay isn’t ugly. A stick of butter looks okay. A standard light switch looks okay. Okay is perfectly acceptable, and better than ugly.

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Things improve around the side, especially with the fantastic four-spoke wheels, and the remarkable clean surfacing. Sure, one could argue that all the textured plastic around the greenhouse, with big slabs used in the rear door handle and floating C-pillar treatment, looks a bit cheap. One could also argue that the short dash-to-axle ratio leaves the leading edge of the front door looking a little pinched. However, given the limitations of the platform, that last point seems acceptable. The eCMP architecture underpinning the Alfa Romeo Milano also can be found under the Opel Mokka-e and Corsa-e, Jeep Avenger, Fiat 600e, Peugeot e-208 and e-2008, Citroen e-C4 and e-C4X, Lancia Ypsilon, DS 3 Crossback E-Tense, and Dongfeng Aeolus Yixuan EV. It’s an electrified economy car platform, and Alfa Romeo has done remarkably well with it.

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However, as soon as you move around to the front of the Alfa Romeo Milano, you’ll see what the problem is. For one, the additional grillework coming off of the headlights adds more than a hint of Renault to the down-the-road graphic. Considering Alfa Romeo’s position as a premium brand, that certainly isn’t the treatment I’d go for, and it’s not the only odd choice on the front of the car. Alfa’s made its trademark scudetto grille surprisingly busy, with a blown-up version of the serpent and cross that appears on the Alfa Romeo Logo blocking the aperture on electric models, and giant Alfa Romeo script in the grille of combustion models. The former is tacky, the latter is out of place on a modern crossover, and looks out of proportion due to how relatively small the scudetto is. To make way for advanced driver assistance system sensors, it doesn’t extend particularly far into the lower grille, meaning there isn’t quite enough real estate available to do what Alfa Romeo wants to do. Add in air curtains that aren’t harmonized with anything in particular, and you have the recipe for an ugly nose.

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Of course, it also doesn’t help that the dashboard is vaguely reminiscent of a 2017 Toyota Corolla, from the touchscreen integration to the round air vents. Sure, it’s not as flat-faced, and it sports a full digital instrument cluster, but apart from some aggressive bucket seats, there’s not a whole lot in here that screams luxury.

Perhaps thankfully, or confusingly depending on how you want to look at it, the new Alfa Romeo Milano isn’t coming to North America. However, on the face of it, there isn’t much reason to buy one over its eCMP platform-mates. The Lancia Ypsilon has a more interesting interior, the Jeep Avenger looks more handsome, and there’s a solid chance the Opel Corsa-e will be less expensive to buy. With a product like this, you can’t help but wonder if Alfa Romeo’s renaissance is fading, and it almost makes me worried for the future of the storied Italian marque. Then again, it’s not like many of us bought Giulias, so maybe this is what we deserve.

(Photo credits: Alfa Romeo)

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94 thoughts on “Alfa Romeo Makes History By Building A Truly Ugly Car

  1. Jeep, Opel, Peugeot, Citroen, Fiat, Alfa, Lancia… Vauxhall(?) What is the point of making dozens of slightly different versions of the same car? Yes, platform saves money… and then you spend it on tooling and trim bits etc. The dimensions are about the same, because segment. The drivetrain is identical from hardware point of view. And apparently they still havent fixed the worst part of the UI, at least in the recent Avenger and Astra reviews they state that the range estimate always begins with the WLTP range, no matter the weather. And sticks to using that estimate for ages. So in practice you have no clue of the true range, if it is winter, motorway etc. Every single car using the same tech. Graphics are different, math behind sucks.

    The 54 kwh battery is almost enough for many people in a smallish and efficient car, but when the range estimate is so unrealistic and unreliable…

  2. This looks like 6.5/10 from all angles where the front isn’t in view. The front bumper is an absolute design massacre. It’s like they let corporate design it.
    -we have to use the baseline structure from the French car we are borrowing from so let’s just get that out of the way. Work with that
    -make it… “**Distinctive**” (read: stand out)
    -make sure the triangle grille is there, it’s very important Alfa design language. Tack that on please
    -brand image is huge, we are a re-growing brand… Let’s do the logo on the grille pattern for the ev, I don’t want to pay for an entirely different bumper even though we don’t really need the grille
    -for the gas one let’s slap the old font logo on there, enthusiasts will love it
    -ok also we need the safety sensors. Shrink the triangle grille that should be the entire identity of the front please

  3. Eh. You know, if you completely close your eyes, and keep them closed, then think about another car entirely so as to forget about this car, this doesn’t look _that_ bad.

  4. Who here actually thinks the Tonale is pretty though? Seems like they are actually continuing the tradition. Objectively I think this looks even better ????

    1. For what it is the tonale really doesn’t look bad. It’s a solid way to handle compact SUV proportions. Problem is, we all know it doesn’t have the performance pedigree it claims to, both in branding and in brand history. Which again, is really fine because we car people know what it is – a money generator. Except it probably won’t be for a number of reasons.

      Tonale isn’t bad for what it is. But it’s still what it is

  5. The front is weird, but it’s interesting, and helps to combat the crippling depression induced by looking at a sporty SUV.
    The wheels are bloody spectacular.

  6. The first thing I thought when I saw this was how is it possible to make something so ugly with the Alfa styling language and history? Guess we need Adrian to explain why it’s awful and The Bishop to fix it.

  7. The only Milano I have any interest in is comes in a bag, and is made by Pepperidge Farm.
    But I am all for these being put in a bag as well. Thanks Thomas. Good stuff as always.

  8. I looks like a Renault was wearing the face of a vanquished Alfa, and then another Alfa vanquished it and is wearing its face – but forgot to clean off the face of the first Alfa.

    That’s an awful lot of vanquishing for just one car.

  9. It’s busy up front but not terrible. Although, if you’re going to put the badge in the grille, you don’t need the regular badge right above.

  10. In the first pic I thought while the overall shape was weird, the grille was really cool… then a few pics down I realized that the cross + snake is a dumb looking panel and not that they painted the logo on the radiator / condensor. 🙁

  11. Other than the grille – which is an aftermarket opportunity – it doesn’t look all that horrible. Put a regular Alfa Romeo grille in there and it’s not bad at all.

  12. It is truly very bad. And it’s not even ugly in a brutish, Zagato-style way or something, either. It’s just a generically ugly modern car that happens to also be an Alfa. And I do not buy any excuse that it’s impossible to make an attractive small car. Alfa themselves have managed to do it with the MiTo.

  13. I love Alfas. Always have. But that thing is a hot mess.When they said they wanted to compete with the likes of BMW, I was not prepared for that to mean trying to out-ugly them.

  14. I really like it and would certainly have one. I’m a lot more excited about it than I thought I would be.

    Obviously styling is subjective, but I’m not sure how this gets panned as a “truly ugly car.” I mean, you liked the Tucson and it’s 28-ish front headlights. Maybe part of the issue is that while Alfa is generally “premium,” and you seem to expect this car to fulfill that, they’re not above more economically priced cars, which this is. In Europe this is expected to start right around the equivalent of $30,000. So yeah, some of it is going to be a little Corolla-y.

    1. The problem is that if you cover up just the upper half of the front fascia, it looks pretty decent. An evolution of what’s been done already on the Stelvio and Tonale. Fine.

      Now go cover up just the bottom half. That looks pretty decent, too. I’m not sold on the serpent & cross treatment, but we’ll let that slide. The headlamp thing is kinda cool in fact.

      But put the two together and it’s a hot mess of ugly. The two halves are in in conflict. Top is sharp and angular-ish, bottom is smooth and flowing. It doesn’t work.

    1. The SZ is pretty! That delicate glass house, the spoiler, the six headlights and the whole front is great.

      Sure it’s a bit slabby at the sides and it’s arse is too big, plus it’s terribly put together, but it has a pretty face whether you think the face is right at the front like Torch does or includes the windscreen like Disney does.

  15. At least the Milano’s front end is Big Crosshair Grill Ready for when it’s rebadged as a Dodge. All it needs is a recycled model name.

    “Ladies and gentlemen of Stellantis fandom? I present to you the next Dodge Aspen/Caliber/Colt/Dart/Daytona/Fury/Neon/Omni/Stratus.”

  16. I will admit I am a bit (meaning a lot) biased, but I like it. Often a design which comes across as weird or ugly matures and becomes sharp-looking in relatively short time. I think it looks a bit ahead of the game at the moment, but I’m curious to see one in person.

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