I hate plot holes in films as much as the next guy.
Let’s take the not-necessarily-a-Christmas-movie Die Hard for example. If Hans Gruber was really after those bonds or whatever was in the vault, couldn’t he just have cut the power to the building and taken them without the need for the whole hostage situation? Also, weren’t there plenty of deceased henchmen that John MacClain could have stolen shoes from after rendering them lifeless and no longer needing footwear? Bruce Willis’s character willingly letting his feet get cut up made about as much sense as his character in The Sixth Sense seemingly going about his day and somehow scheduling meetings with people even though he’s dead. (sorry to give it away, but the movie is twenty years old).
Having voiced this disdain, I realize I’m possibly guilty of doing the same thing in one of my what-if stories. If you’re dumb enough to follow my posts, you might remember that I did a series on how the rear-engined Chevy Corvair line might have looked had it continued on and not died the death that it did in 1969. By the early eighties in my imagined history, the Corvair had transitioned into a Fiero-like wedge-shaped machine. However, there was a special version of this Generation 4 Corvair that seems a bit miscast in my scenario.
I proposed the Corvair Quadforce which had a second engine in front to complement the rear powerplant, giving the car a total of eight cylinders and power to each of the four wheels. With this monster, I proposed that Chevrolet take it on the World Rally circuit and show those fancy Audi UR Quattros a thing or two.
Looking back, I think that’s a bit too bold to expect that to happen so quickly, without any precedent or experience from GM in this type of competition. It’s sort of like Nicole Kidman playing that 23-year-old brain surgeon or whatever she was in Days of Thunder. I think GM would have tried something else before the rather advanced QuadForce, and it would be similar to a bonkers creation from a different company.
Let’s say the magic words Gunther gleiben glauten globen and go back to the malaise era once again.
Le Rally Car
Rally racing was even less popular to Americans in the late seventies than soccer, but I believe that far more people would have taken a closer look if they understood that it was like The Dukes Of Hazzard on steroids (and with spectators standing five feet away from 100MPH moving cars, if not in front of them). No American companies seemed even slightly interested in getting into this part of motor sport; even if they decided to put their hat in the ring a manufacturer such as General Motors might not have had an ideal car to enter anyway. Thankfully, another large automotive corporation was theoretically in the same position, but that didn’t stop them from taking the plunge.
Renault might have been a large and powerful concern in the disco era (even owning a large chunk of American Motors) yet they didn’t seem to have any car model suitable to be a competitive rally machine. In particular, Renault had no mid-engined model to go head-to-head with the then-quite-successful Lancia Stratos; they primarily had small front-wheel-drive machines like the little Renault 5 (sold here in America as the Le Car):
The only way this French firm could have entered a mid-engined race car would be if they did something stupid like, say, take this little hatchback and put the engine where the back seat used to be. Who would do that?
Well, apparently not Renault by themselves. To carry out the task of making what would be called the Renault 5 Turbo, in 1977 they called on that purveyor of strange concoctions: Bertone. After sending a standard Renault 5 to Italy, it was heavily modified by the coachbuilder with new lower body trim and humongous rear fender extensions. Moving a turbocharged 1.4 liter Renault 5 engine to the back of the car, engineers used a rear suspension from the rear-engined Renault Alpine A310 V6 sports car and a five-speed transmission from the large 30TX hatchback, rotated 180 degrees. The 158 horsepower of the “standard” car might not seem like much, but it was the most powerful French car built at the time, and that engine was popped into a car originally designed for a 782cc motor with 36 horsepower.
Needless to say, the car was fast, and more importantly it worked as a race car. After winning the 1981 Monte Carlo Rally in the World Rally Championship in its first outing, several other victories followed before the new four-wheel-drive competitors started to appear and put paid to those with fewer driven wheels.
What’s even stranger than the bizarre rally car is that Renault needed to make at least several hundred homologation “street” models to sell off the showroom floor to allow the thing to qualify for racing.
If the whole exercise seems rather insane, that’s because it was. The Renault 5 Turbo was hopelessly silly looking and absurdly fast for what it appeared to be; if there’s a better example of a true Autopian mobile I can’t think of it right now. Given a twenty car garage and unlimited budget, I would think that an R5 Turbo would be on the must-buy list of most site members (you’re a member, right? NO? What the hell, man?! Jason nearly DIED, dammit! The least you could do is…).
Looking forwards from the driver’s seat, the car seemed rather standard until you turned the key and started up the swarm of angry whistling bees under thin covers just behind your head.
There is no reason an even bigger company like GM couldn’t have entered into World Rally racing in the same way back in the day. Formula 1 has always been a tough nut to crack for America, but the GT40 proved that if money and effort was put into the right place they could at least come to be competitive in other forms of the sport. Like Renault, in 1977 the General didn’t have stock hardware to compete in this arena at the time; the Camaro and Corvette were heavy, hopelessly outdated objects by the late seventies. The only thing small in their arsenal was a relatively new compact hatchback known as the T-Body. Oh, Lord Almighty, you can’t be thinking that we’re going to make a rally car out of…a Chevette? You’re damn right we are, and even though I did this as a flat out joke the end result turned out to be something I want, and you’re gonna wish it existed.
Little Red Chevette, Baby You Just Ain’t Fast
The Chevette seems to be a rather unfathomable product from what was then the world’s largest car maker- a company that helped to develop the Lunar Rover years before gave us…this? At the time, the rear drive, live-axled T-platform car launched in 1976, the rest of the world had already moved on. Even Volkswagen had ditched the Beetle and gone front wheel drive a few years before; companies like Renault, Fiat, and even Ford (with the soon-to-launch Fiesta) had seen that this was the way small car design was headed. What’s even more amazing about this clunky-but-lovably-simple little dope was that it continued to be sold by Chevy for a decade until GM finally pulled the plug in 1987. If you’re a GenXer you’ll remember that at one point in time these were fucking everywhere, even in the few years we lived overseas in the West Midlands of the UK (but they were better looking Vauxhall variants there). This is one of those cars that nobody loved but everybody bought.
Chevettes initially came with a 1.6 liter 60 horsepower four cylinder under the hood; since it was the American market you could even get automatic transmission and air conditioning as options which rendered the car capable of sort of building momentum instead of accelerating. Versions ranged from the hilariously decontented no-back-seat-or-glove-box-door Scooter up to more posh models like the one above with fake woodgrain on the sides. There was even a “Rallye” version you can see below, a sticker package special which despite the name was never, ever going to compete at Acropolis or Pike’s Peak.
We’re going to change that.
Chevy Goes To Monte Carlo
Let’s say it’s 1978, and engineers at a GM Detroit area outside contractor like Cars and Concepts are gathered around a stripped-out new Chevette with the insurmountable task of turning this thing into a rally car (and the needed at-least-200-car homologation run of street units). Renault used the 5’s engine as a starting point, but there’s no way that the Chevette’s standard little four cylinder can ever be made competitive. Thankfully, at this time GM was developing a drivetrain to be introduced in the next year that could be a perfect fit. This engine and transmission was like nothing GM had done before; it was the future of the whole company.
The drivetrain in question was the 2.8 liter 60 degree V6 and front drive transaxle to be used in the upcoming new GM X-Cars like the Chevrolet Citation, and it could certainly use some pre-production trial-by-fire testing if it was going to replace small block V8s as a mainstay. In retrospect, the Citation and its brethren sorely deserved far more before-launch durability development than it received. The X-Cars sold like hotcakes when launched in 1979 but ended up being the most recalled car in history, taking the title away from what was thought to be the Mike Tyson of automobile recalls, the Dodge Aspen/Plymouth Volare.
For the rally car, this entire new drivetrain and suspension seen above could be slipped into the back seat area of the Chevette. An AirResearch turbocharger and a four-barrel carburetor could pump the 115 horsepower of the standard X-Car V6 up to at least 170 or so on street models, though competition cars would likely be able to dyno well over 200 with constraints such as longevity, emissions, and pump gas thrown out the window. I sure hope that Citation four speed manual transaxle could handle it. Up front, the standard T-Car suspension would be usable with modifications. Wait, that sounds almost exactly like the ingredients of the Pontiac Fiero’s mechanicals, right? It sure does, and this would have been a great proof-of-concept and testbed for that much-maligned sports car as well. A turbo V6 in a Fiero right from the 1984 launch? Let’s just say that that Pontiac sports car would no longer be the brunt of quite as many jokes anymore.
Anyway, let’s work on the outside now, starting with our bone stock subcompact:
I’m using Corvette alloys since we wouldn’t want to tool up for a 200 or so car production run. Once we’ve added decent rolling stock the little Chevy would look a bit like a kindergartener in toddler’s clothes, so heavily flared front fenders and add-on rear fender extensions would be in order. Vent slots on these extensions offer cooling air for the motor and the intake. My guess is the nose would be mainly fiberglass for weight savings (and we could easily produce different versions in case GM wanted it to race under the other brands that sold the T-Cars such as Opel or Vauxhall). Blacked out trim and a new lower fascia panel with fog lamps and brake cooling inlets completes the look. By 1979 Chevy had added the new rectangular grille and headlights to the little ‘Vette but that look just seemed too generic and lacking in personality for me to use; I kept the cute 1976-77 face for sports cars to see in their rear view mirror.
The empty-except-for-the-battery-and-radiator engine compartment would be filled with the gas tank and spare tire.
Like the Renault 5 Turbo, inside the whole engine would be walled in with some soundproofing (for street models) and leave a tiny area behind the motor for a short luggage space. As with the Renault, you can remove the whole cover in sections for more major service.
The interior forward of the front seatbacks would remain relatively stock Chevette with the exception of a Camaro Z28 steering wheel and Recaro seats to replace the awful originals. The giant gas gauge and idiot lights on the normal Chevette would be supplanted by a tach and water temperature instruments. Considering the likely price of this car (and the heat from the motor behind your back) I wanted air conditioning to still be available in the “road” version so instead of ripping out the center dash vents I just built an add-on instrument unit above for oil pressure, oil temperature, alternator gauges and a clock. There’s a strip above the main cluster that includes a series of lights for turbo boost monitoring and a line-of-sight oil pressure light. The console is modified for switches to control the fog lights and 12 volt sockets for auxiliary equipment.
Which ‘Vette Is Better ‘Vette?
General Motors being General Motors, there’d be only one thing limiting the performance of the street version of the Chevette Turbo: a little something called the Corvette. Despite the fact that this would be a homologation special and not even remotely cross-shopped with America’s famous fiberglass sports car, the powers-that-be would never let a version of their cheapest car hole-shoot their flagship. An L-82 equipped Corvette (fastest they offered then) could reportedly do the zero to sixty dash in around 6.6 seconds, and there’s no way that this Chevette wouldn’t be faster off of the showroom floor even before your greasy aftermarket tuning hands could touch it (hint: there’s room behind one of those rear fender vents for an intercooler). Still, like the Buick GNX, there have been exceptions to that unwritten rule. It’s likely that the Chevette Turbo would cost as much as that L-82 Stingray, if not more, making it not much of a threat to that icon. Thankfully, there wouldn’t be that many little mid-engined Turbo ‘Vettes to go around anyway, and instant collector status would jack up prices.
1979 Chevrolet Chevette Turbo V6 (street)
Engine: 170HP 2.8 liter 60 degree V6; four barrel carburetor, single Garrett AirResearch turbo
Transaxle: 4 speed manual
Front Suspension: unequal length control arms, coil springs, anti roll bar
Rear Suspension: MacPherson struts, coil springs, anti roll bar
Brakes: Vented disc front and rear, vacuum assist
Steering: Rack and Pinion (non-assisted)
Performance:
0-60: 5.68 seconds
Top speed: 137 mph
Skidpad: 0.81G
Given the choice between a similarly-priced Chevette and Corvette, which would you select? Ask yourself this: do you want a car that could possibly make you feel good, or one guaranteed to give you the kind of shit-eating smirk you’d get from putting firecrackers in a mailbox every single minute you’re behind the wheel? For me, the little ‘Vette is gonna win that one hands down.
A Daydreaming Designer Imagines The Corvair Surviving Into Days Of Disco – The Autopian
How am I this old and just now seeing the video for “Rock of Ages” for the first time? Granted, my small town cable company did not have MTV until the 90s, but this was one of my favorite songs of 1983-84, and we did have Friday Night Videos!
Oh, neat concept for a Chevette! Good call on keeping the original Vega-inspired nose, but please make mine with the Pontiac T1000 nose.
Yeah, that clip just needs a few more explosions to be the archetypical hair metal video (though Joe Elliot takes umbrage at his band being grouped into that category).
This thing would rip as a rally car IMO. Is there an approximate loaded curb weight for this concept? I can imagine you’d hear it coming for miles, like some of the I6 BMWs, except with a very different exhaust note.
Always great work, but no thanks; never Chevette…always Corvette
“…sold here in America as the Le Car.”
Since “le” means “the,” did you contemplate whether to write it simply “sold here in America as Le Car?” Is there a style guide for things like this?
I could have called this Chevette thing “The Voiture”
J’aurais ri un peu.
As I recall, at least in MLS, Le Car as a whole would be considered a proper noun, so the usage is correct. And, in just a casual read, for me, it scans better with the ‘the’ included—but I pay way too much attention to this petty crap
/pedantry 🙂
You’ve ended up with something that reminds me a lot of the Metro 6R4 rally car, right down to the mid-mounted V6 (later adapted for the Jag XJ220).
It’s the only Metro that I don’t consider to be utterly hateful.
Another awesome thought and design exercise, Mr. Bishop. The rendering looks killer!
Thanks SWG! Looking forward to your next rescue story.
We all do. Especially the jag
Give us the Jag story!
So say we all!
Wow, thanks for the above support, my homies!
Sadly neither the Jag or Tracker rescue stories are approved at this time, but I continue to work towards getting the green light for each. Until then!
Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie. Too bad there are next to zero Chevettes left to mod.
Sweet Jeebus that is bonkers! I love it!
I’d like to build one someday, but with a supercharged 3800 drivetrain instead. Oh! Or a Cobalt/HHR SS drivetrain!
Fiero people bolt small blocks to their manuals all the time. I think it could handle a turbo 2.8.
Not gonna lie, I kind of love it.
> weren’t there plenty of deceased henchmen that John MacClain could have stolen shoes from after rendering them lifeless and no longer needing footwear?
I’m not wearing some rando corpse’s shoes. Shoes are like underwear and earplugs. Not shared.
You are right on that. *quietly sneaks off to change borrowed underwear*
vs glass shards? I’ll wear a rando’s shoes! —with added bonus that I could then judge him as well 😉
Bishop,
Love your work.
I still loathe the ‘79 Chevette I started with and can’t imagine getting into one again.
But… WRC?
I would probably look for almost anything else… a wheelbarrow?… before another $h1tv3tte, but… I like what you’ve done. I just can’t do anything with it. Post Traumatic Chevette Syndrome.
I know what you mean. In my case, it was growing up riding around in the back of noisy air cooled VW products with windows that didn’t roll down on that hot black vinyl in Virginia summertime while people drove by wtih windows up in big, quiet American cars almost needing sweaters inside from the ice cold AC (and they had real heat in the winter). I want to like these old cars but when I get a wiff of that VW interior smell at car shows it just takes me back.
With you there. Sitting in a ridiculously well-maintained Beetle for a post brake-overhaul test, the smell of the fibers in the seat enveloped me in rosy romantic nostalgia for my childhood and years of Type l & ll ownership. Then I drove it and was harshly reminded that they were cheap basic transportation. They were competent, but certainly not corseting—barely comfortable—cars. And that was almost certainly the best mechanical example I’m ever likely to drive
I still love them, just don’t really want another (unless something really special).I was offered an early Super Beetle a year back at a great price and quickly declined because I couldn’t in good conscience flip it given its provenance and that it didn’t do anything better (except nostalgia) than my Subaru
[ btw, met your brother in Chapel Hill at the meet. Cool guy! Idly speculated that maybe it was actually you maintaining the veil of secrecy…whatever. I respect the Secret Identity thing—its kind of fun—but also wish I could buy you drinks and just listen to you rant on design sometime.]
TOSSABL: Sorry that I missed you! Was seriously considering making the trip then with SWG and DT in town but work schedule at the time made it impossible. Hopefully I can make it to a future meet- I do show up at Chicago events, and Mercedes Streeter can tell you that I am indeed real.
Both spouse and work colleagues are “afraid you might say something inadvertently that will get all of us cancelled” so both requested that I stay out of the public eye. I doubt that I would express any such opinions but indeed it’s probably better to not find out. I mean, it’s not like I’m trying to drive traffic to my Twitter or Instagram pages (if I have accounts there I don’t even know my login).
and jerks in non-a/c cars up here in Canada who drove around all sweltering summer with the windows up so you would think they had a/c
The Lonely Island ruined Sixth Sense for me years ago, don’t worry.
My grandparents had two Chevettes while I was growing up that they towed behind their RV, one of which I inherited in high school. Absolutely loved that little shitbox and have been casually looking for one to play with. This just made my hunt a bit less casual.
Now I’m picturing an RV towing two Chevettes at the same time.
This is so very my shit
You’re right – I want one now.
“The way I see it Marty, if you’re gonna compete in the WRC, why do it with any style?”
Silly question perhaps, but I love the details the Bishop brings to this work here – was that the actual WRC logo back then?
Jack- Yes! Good catch. I had the current one on there (the one where the WRC letters look like little race tracks) until I realized that likely wasn’t in existence then.
I could see one of these at a Klan Rally.
Notice the state on the plate. I hate Illinois Nazis.
Right with you, Jake. You still want dry white toast with your four fried chickens and Cokes?
how much for the little girls? I want to buy them…
Sell me your children!
The dry white toast was for Elwood.
Can we have more fun by taking the Crown Corvair V-8 conversion kit and a Corvair transaxle and shoving it into the back of a Chevette with a supercharged 454?
Yes. Yes we can!
I actually had the Toronado V8 back there at first until I thought better of it.
Somebody in Mid-Michigan did just that. I haven’t seen it lately, but it was a regular sight at car shows for years.
Toronado engined Chevette Lanisng 6 5 2004 b | OLYMPUS DIGIT… | Flickr
1976 Chevette w Toronado engine Mason Car Show 07 04 2017 … | Flickr
I knew I’d seen it somewhere before! Cool but a bit too heavy of a motor for my tastes, particularly for the Chevette’s handling. Can’t believe I’m saying “handling” and “Chevette” in the same sentence.
Can you say “terminal understeer”?
Maybe, wouldn’t that big Toronado motor in back be more of a 911-style oversteer thing? Like take your foot off of the gas in a corner and start spinning like a top?
With nitrous no less!
What a glorious way to die 🙂
Looking back, I’d want the Turbo Vette. Let’s boost that 2.8 into the stratosphere and really embarrass some Corvettes. They’d likely get the jump but by 300 feet the Chevette would be ahead and open the gap by the end of the quarter mile.
I love the extraordinary amount of effort that was put into this absurd “What If” scenario. It’s funny that the Dodge Omni’s perfectly appropriate front drive takes it out of the running for a Renault 5-esque Rally conversion, because otherwise it would have been a much better candidate than the Chevette. It was just a better-engineered car (despite what its reputation suggests).
They did make a rear wheel drive Vauxhall Chevette HSR rally car, so there was that.
I was wondering if you were going to mention the HSR. They seemed to have reasonable success in rally prior to Group B and AWD coming into the picture. And with their droop-nose front, big air dam, box flares, and alloy wheels they certainly look brilliant.
The (Wayne Cherry) Vauxhall ‘Vettes were far better looking than the US ones, even in stock form
The Omni already had a hot version.
Here is an odd thing, GM did build a Group 4 Rally car
https://rallygroupbshrine.org/group-s/vauxhall-astra-4s-opel-kadett-4×4-gr-b-s-prototypes/
This is the kind of absolute absurdity I love. A Chevette WRC Car? Rear mid-engined with a transaxle? Faster than a contemporary Corvette? Sheer brilliance.
Now you just need to whistle up a rear mid-engine Pinto to compete with it!
Was actually considering a Yugo and that actually might make a better race car but we have a no-Yugo-hating edict here since one of the founders owns an example.
I am being perfectly sincere when I say that this Yugo is the best-handling, best-performing, most confidence-inspiring car I’ve ever driven in the 24 Hours of Lemons:
https://www.murileemartin.com/UG/LAZ17/497-_MG_3875.jpg
I admit I’m not sure how much this says about the Yugo vs. how much this says about my other choices.
Funny you should mention Lemons. If you search “mid engined Chevette” the first thing that comes up is a (longer) four door with a Soobie flat 6 in the back seat area.
Don’t worry. The edict, like the Yugo itself, will soften and return to earth in due time.
That seems like the perfect reason to hate on them, not to avoid it.
Wasn’t the Yugo, more or less (ok, less…) a Fiat 128? Abarth built up a pretty hot version of that. Not a huge stretch.
That’s exactly right. Surprisingly the only Yugo I’ve ever sat in was Jason’s, and when he fired it up it sounded EXACTLY like an old Fiat.
Here is a thing, GM actually did this!
https://rallygroupbshrine.org/group-s/vauxhall-astra-4s-opel-kadett-4×4-gr-b-s-prototypes/
true, but that still has the engine in the front, right?
I know Ford did this with the little Festiva and the Taurus SHO powered “Shogun” (SHO engine where the rear seat used to be).
With that car, I always wondered if somewhere there were now Taurus SHOs running around with Festiva engines in them. Those would be called “NOguns”.
Yes, it is almost front mid, the engine is so far back that I think they remade the firewall, I remember the footwell was very narrow, but I have big feet!
Oi, those Die Hard questions were in the movie. Taking the hostages was integral to the plan—they were going to blow the roof with the hostages as they were going to be released to a helicopter. Sure, they also needed the FBI to cut the power if Takagi didn’t help them with the vault (as they anticipated), but the main thing of it was blowing the roof and making sure it was a spectacle. As Hans said in a few scenes (more or less, these aren’t the exact quotes, but close): “when you steal $600, you can just disappear, but when you steal $600M, they will find you unless they think you are already dead.” and (after they blow the roof with the hostages) “by the time they sort through what happened, we’ll be on a beach earning 20%.” Bruce Willis also tried to get new shoes, but the guy he had the opportunity to take them from had smaller feet.
Sure, but is it a Christmas movie?
Of course! It’s not Christmas till Hans Gruber falls out of Nakatomi!
I love the advent calender they make where Hans falls a notch every day of December until he hits the ground on Christmas
Though I watch it during the Christmas season, going by how I judge it, no. To me, a Christmas movie is something only watched at Christmas and seems inappropriate at other times (probably because it’s too damn saccharine or immersed in the Christmas theme). “Die Hard”, like “Gremlins”, are versatile enough to be watched any time. That said, I always tell my sister it’s a Christmas since she loves crap like “It’s a Wonderful Life” and it annoys her (love Jimmy Stewart, but that movie is too much for me—everyone used the poor guy!). In any event, I always have Santa’s Slay as a backup and Die Hard always beats that suggestion.
Almost forgot about the article! I hated the Chevette, but that thing looks damn cool and very believable from the period. The vents are great, though they remind me of the Ford Capri, which I doubt Chevy would have gone for.
I thought the same thing after it was done. Trying to match the snouts on the grille and not look too much like the R5, but a bit too close to that Ford (Mercury) coupe.
Yes it’s a Christmas movie! It literally takes place at a Christmas party! Who among us has not wanted to open fire at a Christmas party? Be honest!
Also, a much bigger plot hole is that the German terrorists speak nonsensical gibberish instead of German
I get annoyed at the helicopters doing laps around Century City.
Meanwhile everyone at the party is gathered around the Frank Lloyd Wright model for the southern crossing bridge across San Francisco Bay – which was due to be located roughly from Candlestick to Oakland Colosseum.
– and the Firetrucks are coming up Olympic past the Ralphs where The Dude is shopping for cream for his White Russians.
That rug really tied the room together, did it not?