It’s Friday! Even better, the Friday before a long weekend, meaning it’s an ideal time for polluting your brain with some top-shelf Automotive Would You Rather! In fact, this week I’m making sure to do one because I found out that, of all things, our own Bishop has a kid who he said expects these every week, so I can’t let a nine-year-old down, right? Of course I can’t. So let’s get to it!
Scenario One
You decide to take your current target of your affections to the zoo, in the hopes that perhaps you’ll encounter some monitor lizards or some equally sexy animals going at it, hopefully getting everyone in the mood. While craning you neck to try and see if the ocelots are up to anything interesting, you accidentally dump the eight pounds of beef jerky you shoplifted from a 7-11 right in front of a sleeping ocelot.
The ocelot is, of course, thrilled to be awoken by the meaty bounty, and reveals that in fact he is not an ocelot, but rather Tlalocelot, the Aztec-Peruvian ocelot god, working undercover for the Mesoamerican equivalent of OSHA. As a way of thanking you for all of the jerky, Tlalocelot scratches you across the chest with a long, golden claw.
He then tells you that this claw secretes a powerful magic unguent, and this magical unguent has the ability to give you a very specific power: You can materialize any car named for an animal, but when you do, the animal that it is named for will appear in your home.
So, that means you can have, say a free, perfect DeTomaso Mangusta, but when you get home you’ll need to trap and release the mongoose that’s running amok in your house. You can have a Mustang, if you’re ready to get a freaked-out horse from your apartment, or a Sunbeam Tiger, which should also be pretty challenging, or a Piaggio Ape (actually, that one is easier than you think, because Ape is Italian for bee) or a Corvette Sting Ray, if you don’t mind a sea creature dying noisily on your carpet.
So, any animal-named car you want – as many of them as you want – but you have to figure out what to do with the animals this creates. I mean, if you like Beetles, it’s easy, but if you want to start a Jaguar collection, I hope you have a friend over at animal control.
Scenario Two
For the past three months, you’ve been sneaking into a really exclusive gym, one full of the richest people you’ve ever encountered in your life. You become acquainted with a guy who seems to be involved with every major automotive company and supplier you can think of, and you two talk about cars a lot.
One day you’re playing handball with the guy, when he smacks the ball so hard at your face it lodges in your throat, causing you to vomit it out in a powerful geyser. He slips on the vomit, falling on his back, which knocks his phone out of his pocket, which ricochets off his leg, then bounces to his nose, the tip of which happens to punch in his passcode and click on a video to play.
The video is him and some business partners outlining an incredibly corrupt plan to control the automotive supplier market, along with a sideline in human trafficking and forging ancient Etruscan pornography. It’s extremely damaging stuff – that Jared guy from Subway was in the videos, even – and you’ve just seen it all.
The guy’s in a panic that you’ll talk, so he makes you a deal: he can get you any – and he means any – car you want for free, delivered right to you, registered and with no questions asked. It’s great!
Oh, but there’s one catch: the car will be disassembled. See, he can get absolutely everything, but the car will be in a form close to a CKD (Completely Knocked Down) kit, so you’ll have to assemble it yourself.
Look, if you want to get two and use one as payment to have someone build yours, that’s fine, whatever – just keep your mouth shut about what you saw, okay? You can have up to a delivery a month, if you want, even!
If you blab, though, he’s probably going to have you killed, by the way. Just so you know.
Sure, I could check Wikipedia on my phone for cars named after the tamest animals. What if that wasn’t an option, though? Not knowing about obscure cars off the top of my head, I’ll just go for a Range Rover SV, and hope I come home to a friendly Portuguese Water Dog or Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier.
The animal one would be extremely profitable. Start with something easy to deal with like Beetles, and use the funds from selling the cars to upgrade your home such that it could effectively contain more difficult creatures like Cobras and Vipers. Eventually, put together your own car company. You’d still need to do all the R&D, but once you have the first prototype you can make as many as you want for free.
Name them after animals that aren’t problematic—for instance, the genus Loricifera alone has at least 37 species to work with, the largest of which is about one millimeter long, and they can only survive in the sediment at the bottom of the ocean. Alternatively, name them after threatened (or even extinct!) species and do some good for the world while you’re at it.
Since they’d be effectively free to produce once you’d built the first one, you need spare no expense in the construction. Your cars could be designed right out at the bleeding edge of what current technology and an unlimited budget allow, yet you could sell the vehicles at whatever price you wish. Your profit margins would be immense, and you’d undercut the entire industry. Before long you would be the richest and most powerful person in the world, lording it over a planet rich with exotic wildlife and incredible cars.
Seems like a no-brainer.
Nobody mentioned the Ford Velociraptor…..bunch of cowards
Honestly as a student and renter, I would go with option 1. Finding a jaguar, mustang, dinosaur, viper, or a fighting bull in a small apartment is grounds to have income from renting insurance, as long as they never found out it was intentional. Plus some sweet cars!
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Well, I *do* know the people at my city’s animal care and control department, so I think I’ll take that series one Jaguar E-Type. I’ll even build them a special jaguar-catcher van for the purpose.
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So, option 1 and I could have fleet of Ferrari La Ferraris, Enzo’s, and Dinos? Ferrari could then be staffed and run by a mob of Ferraris?
Or Edsels? Tuckers? Fairladys? Elises? Maybe this is how the handball guy got his start… Check his chest for scratches.
I’m sure I want a Pontiac Trans Am, but do I want a screaming chicken in my house? Or can’t we use nicknames?
How about a Firebird? Oh wait, that would probably go poorly.
Firebirds exist in Australia, the Brown Falcon drops burning sticks to make its prey come out.
https://www.bushheritage.org.au/newsletters/2020/winter/fire-birds
I’m locking Mr. Unethical in my house and stocking my driveway with lethal animal named cars. No Detective, I can’t explain it, but when you figure it out be sure and fill me in.
I’m gonna go with ‘Deal with the animals’. And then I’m gonna make my “home” a slaughterhouse… so it will be a double win… new car and free meat!
If I ask for a Bugatti Chiron, will a very confused Louis Chiron find himself standing, alive, in my living room? If I ask for a Mercedes-Benz, does Mercédès Jellinek appear?
If I get a Valentino Balboni edition Gallardo, will He mysteriously disappear from his italian villa?
I think the Eddie Bauer Edition Explorer would be the call here. He’ll be able to claim ownership of his company again, and would be so grateful for the return to life that he’d give you some stock holdings.
This has been yanking at my fucking balls.. for quite some time:
I want a Tandem Axle with a TAG Axle 2015 Freightliner ARGOSY in Green (upgraded to a 50T WRECKER Chassis through Miller Ind.) that used to be made ONLY for export in COMPLETE KNOCK DOWN KITS in SOUTH CAROLINA.. until recent rules made it extinct.
I have seen 2 completely by accident. ONE when I was tooling around and it stopped and smiled at me at a light. I LOOKED RIGHT AT IT ITS SEXY GREEN SELF. When my brain figured out what it was.. I SCREAMED MOTHERFUCKER.
THEN, I saw another one in my blind eye when I was coming up 95 like a HEATHEN. I blew past it, then realized what I passed. I couldnt downshift fast enough to get a pic.
These GOD DAMN FLATNOSES are going to make me LOSE MY MIND!!!
You know, as much as I’ve got the know-how to build up any CKD and therefore score me a free car.
I’m also trapped in the rental market, and can’t resist making my landlord deal with the concept of a wild animal having broken into the house and kicked holes in all the walls. So I’m taking option A. It’s time for me to own one of those gorgeous Bill Thomas Cheetahs.
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If I went with option 1, my house would become an empty red box with a shotgun at the door, or tank in the yard (for the T-rex).
Option 2 is pretty awesome results that I would absolutely love, but f$ck that guy, and f$ck that option.
Option 1. Animals. Oh oh, the house would get an upgrade of a trap door that all the animals would just fall into, and I’d have a side gig selling them.
My wife wants a Rabbit. If only the car could multiply like the animal.
Clearly this is a question of morals.
I’m gonna take creepy racquet ball guy up on the offer, ask for the biggest old Buick I can think of, then hit him with it in the parking lot.
Let the investigation begin.
I had a stroke trying to pronounce ‘Tlalocelot’ in my head.
A proper choice in house could work for a pen. Pick some valuable animals and sell them for gas money.
If I conjure a Lamborghini Murciélago, do I get a bat (easy to deal with) or the 19th century Spanish fighting bull the car was specifically named after (not so easy)?
Definitely the animals. Just think of how many cars have Spider in their name.
I’d hold out for SKD (semi-knocked-down) kits that include an assembled body. I can weld okay, but jigging everything straight beforehand is a bit of a deal breaker. Or maybe the dude could human-traffic me some jig riggers.
On the other hand, Lancia Scorpion would be pretty easy to deal with.
just get porsche and ferraris in pieces and sell the valuable parts, and dump the rest
I will go down the animal route and be very sensible. I would like three Reliants, two kittens and a robin. ( I always leave a window open, so the robin will be fine)
Clearly haven’t had a bird in your house if you think they easily escape
My favorite car is a De Tomaso Pantera so I guess I’d have to call my wife and tell her to get everyone (and the pets) out of the house and then buy a rifle on the way home. On the other hand my mother’s husband at one time owned a mountain lion and his father had big cats before it was illegal to own them so maybe he’d be willing to risk his life catching it. Mom might not be too happy about that though. Anyway I either get a Pantera and he gets a new pet or I get a Pantera and a cool wall hanging.
This one is easy – I choose the animal option. My strategy:
1. Empty all furniture and other valuables out of my house.
2. Go on a binge requesting Barracudas, Stingrays, and all other cars named after marine animals.
3. Wait an hour or two.
4. Go home and remove the carcasses of dead sea critters from my house.
5. Pay a cleaning company to get rid of the fishy smell
6. Move back in with my new fleet.
Question, though. What would happen if I requested a Rolls Royce Ghost or Phantom??
In regard to your question, I’ve though the same thing about ordering a Dodge Challenger Hellcat or a Dodge Demon.
Hmm, while I wouldn’t expect that animal based would include the supernatural, for arguments sake if it did I’d have to have a serious chat with the local clergy, perhaps the church could use an 800+ horsepower car to make urgent visits with parishioners in exchange for exorcism services…. I guess the question is if a couple of shiny 71 340 Demons parked next to a new Demon and Hellcat is worth the risk of some minor levitating above the bed, head swiveling backwards and occasionaly projectile vomiting copious amounts across the room? I might need to consult with my wife on this….
Well, option 1 is the most fun, certainly for the biologist in me. But it can raise questions of interpretation ! In Belgium we call the Citroën 2cv “geitje”, a little goat while in the Netherlands they call it “Eend”, a duck … If I’m on the borderline between those two countries, will I get a goat with a duck’s head ?