Automotive Would You Rather: Awful Tapes Edition

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You know what’s fun but we haven’t done in a long, long time? Played Automotive Would You Rather! I used to do this every now and then um, somewhere else, but there’s no reason we can’t do it here, right? It’s summer and I’m feeling frivolous, anyway. If you want something rich and meaty, you can read David’s Bronco Raptor review/suspension primer or Tycho’s Chinese hydrogen deep dive. But if you just want a snack, a handful of only slightly palm-sweaty M&Ms, then I got you covered, because we’re about to indulge in one of those glorious thought-experiments that is a good Automotive Would You Rather, so lube up that brain and get ready.

Okay, here’s the premise: you accidentally summon a Magic Horse when you had an erotic thought while eating a Starburst Fruit Chew and holding a lithium battery (maybe the one in your phone?) which is the most common way magic horses tend to be summoned from the Great Galloping Fields that exist in a dimension parallel and to the left of ours.

The horse appears, and, as thanks for granting him access to our dimension (they like to go to Trader Joe’s while they’re here, as those don’t exist in Magic Horse Dimension) he offers you the chance to have, for free, and in absolutely perfect running condition, the car of your choice. It can be literally any car that’s ever been built, and the horse will materialize it right now, in your driveway, and drop the keys in your hand from his big horse-mouth.

Want a Tatra T87? I sure do! You can have it. A perfect Ford GT40? No problem! A McLaren 720s? Jaguar E-Type? Lotus Esprit? Spyker C8? Stout Scarab? Whatever you want! It’s yours!

Oh, there is one catch, though. Well, two, because you can pick, and they’re both tape-related. You see, as part of the deal, due to complex negotiations with the 3M corporation and the Interscope record label, your car of choice must either be extensively covered with DOT-approved 3M reflective red-and-white high visibility tape or, if you can’t stomach doing that to your Lamborghini Miura, then you can agree to have a tape deck installed with a cassingle of the Black Eyed Peas song My Humps playing in it, and that tape can never be removed or turned off. You can adjust the volume a bit, but it’ll never be silent; figure the lowest volume you can turn it down to is right about where you’re comfortably able to talk over it, but you can definitely still hear it with no trouble.

Of course, you can crank it as loud as you’d like, if you want.

So, here’s your choice: you can have any car you want, and it’ll run beautifully and be in pristine condition as long as you have it– the oil changes and other scheduled maintenance will even occur via magic horse teams coming to do it every 1500 miles via the power of astral projection – but it’ll either have to be absolutely slathered in that reflective red-and-white tape, or it’ll be playing My Humps nonstop, forever.

So which tape-tradeoff do you choose?

 

QuizMaker

81 thoughts on “Automotive Would You Rather: Awful Tapes Edition

  1. Magic Horse, because I consider running out of gas a form of breakdown, and because they would actually look good covered in 3M Reflective Safety Tape, I’m going to request a Lamborghini.

    One Aventador Centenario Roadster would be my first choice. But I cannot afford a wealthy and powerful enemy because all 20 were sold by invitation only, to “selected customers”. So please do not deliver that.

    Second choice and the one I actually request from you, O Magic Horse, would be a non-Centenario Aventador Roadster, in two-tone, pearl Blizzard White over pearl Safety Yellow.

    But also tempting is the 1986 Lamborghini LM002, with the optional L804 type 7.2 litre marine V12 engine, in two-tone pearl Safety Yellow over pearl Fire Engine Red. Third choice but not very far behind is a Lamborghini Urus in pearl Blizzard White.

    I’m an easy friend, Magic Horse. If you were to accidentally deliver anything in the wrong color, or something from Koenigsegg instead, I certainly will not complain, not even privately to the Magic Donkeys down the street. As long as it’s delivered with the 3M Safety Tape and not that accursed cassingle of My Humps.

  2. A ’74 Winnebago 35′ Indian (thoroughly gone over with a LS Turbo):
    1. You’d never hear the speakers in that thing over the motor
    2. You’d see me coming faster than you’d hear the music
    3. Youd run away faster.. if you heard or saw that RV coming.. than if you saw the reflective tape or the music.

  3. How is this even a question? Who would want the black arsed fleas playing when you’re in a Porsche 917?! When would you ever play music when you have that lunatic engine?
    Besides, these cars have worn some odd color schemes over the years.Reflective tape cant hurt this car’s mojo

  4. I would go with an E-type convertible, cassette tape.

    1. I can drive it on the highway with the top down and drown out music at a volume level you can talk over

    2. I can look at it in the garage without the music and without the reflective tape and be happy.

    If I had to live with the reflective tape I would get something ugly and fun to drive, Panoz Roadster, or some modern, ugly, way too many angles and surfaces hypercar.

  5. Opel Eco Speedster, covered in that ugly DOT-approved 3M reflective red-and-white high visibility tape.

    I’d gladly take it. This car could do 160 mph on only 112 horsepower, and got 94 mpg U.S. Its mass of 660 kg also would help it corner with well over 1g lateral even with craptastic low rolling resistance tires, and its fuel economy was achieved largely thanks to a drag coefficient of 0.20.

    The auto industry could build average cars at least as good as that, and they refuse, even when the public is clamoring for it wth record gas prices.

    I’d totally drive that shit playing obnoxiously loud satanic black metal, red and white high visibility tape included.

    Yes please.

  6. Hmm…

    I think that 3M reflective tape would ease the worry of Torch’s Fiat 615 delivery van. It’s just worried about “Doose crazy Italiano drivers” running into it and wrecking those sweet lines.

    That said…

    That horse is a horse, of course, of course,
    And being a magic horse of course,
    Can give me a 6 1 5 of course, in a lovely patina red.

    Go right to the source and ask the horse,
    for a hemi slant 6 and 4 wheel drive of course
    Outfitted for Woodstock with fold up porch
    To follow around the Dead.

    So yah, the magic horse will do this late 60’s overland style, with the Hemi slant six from DT’s Valiant Ute, and a suitable Jeep driveline, manual trans, and got to keep those duallies. Complete this with tie dye and beads inside, composting toilet and the sent of incense and Patchouli. A nice touch will be gold leaf copy of Torch’s initials on the beautiful taillights on that.

    Out back, on the trailer we would have the 1979 Ford Fiesta from Shitbox Showdown that has been Hayabusa swapped (longitudinal with RWD), and done up late 70’s Nascar mini stock or dirt modified style set up for road racing.

  7. It would really depend on what car I went with; something that would become my main/everyday vehicle would be reflective tape, something more special/secondary would get the musical tape

  8. Conspicuity tape would look right at home on a Consulier GTP right?
    Or maybe a Terex 33-19? With the Terex it might be a good item just to warn off passing aircraft.

  9. My Humps, because good noise-canceling headphones aren’t too dear-and most any car I really lust after is gonna have like an acre of hood to show that reflective tape

    1. I’ve seen a couple comments like this and I have to ask– do you really think that’s okay? Sure, there are deaf and hard of hearing people driving, but nobody should intentionally block an entire sense’s worth of situational awareness. It’s illegal to wear headphones while driving in several states, and it should be all of them.

      Just get the reflective tape and don’t make yourself a road hazard.

      1. You have a point-and reminded me that I got pulled over in ‘83 driving a ‘74 Super Beetle for wearing FM headphones. That bug had only AM, and I was NOT listening to that crap for 2 hours each way to pick my sister up from camp!

        -wow: what an ‘80s post (face-palm emoji)

  10. looking at the “3M Reflective Markings for Non-regulated Vehicles Series 973, 983 and 913” brochure, I will opt for P\N 913-326 (6” red / 6” white) tape over the less symmetrical P\N 913-32 (11” red / 6” white) on my Unimog. To further specify my tape, I will go with the kiss-cut version as opposed to the continuous roll…BTW…that song is just plain offensive.

    1. after doing more research, those part numbers have only a 5 year warranty so it will fall off in 5 years and 1 day. the premium Diamond Grade™ options come with a 10 year warranty. So, awesome car sans tape in 5 years, I can deal with that

  11. There’s some Chuck Klosterman “23 questions” level cruelty at play here.

    You’re telling me I can have a 2021 Volvo P1800 Cyan but only if I ruin it’s beauty or my driving experience.

    I can’t do it. I can’t drive it to that song.
    And I refuse to do that to its looks.

    Life is all about compromise.

    You cruel cruel horse. Meh I’ll take a top spec GR Yaris with the safety tape.
    Beggars can’t be choosers so I’ll gladly take the Hooner. Thanks magical horse.

  12. Speaking as an armchair sociologist, yesterday DT posts a world class auto review worthy of Peter Egan, an automotive journalist so renowned he was once invited to interview Enzo Ferrari at his office in Maranello, and you respond with this! (Eyes wide open.) You remind me of a pilot fish feeding on a shark’s leftovers. You’re kind of the Zack Galifianakis of automotive journalism. Keep up the good work, perhaps you will someday be invited to interview the editor of the Harvard Lampoon. My critique is all in good fun of course! DT’s insightful academic yin and your over-the-top outrageous yang seems to work. All the best!

  13. Letsss saaay I go with reflective tape on the horse (work with me here). How fast would I have to peel it off when done (band aid style) so as not to distress the poor creature?

    No, I’m not a monster, just spit balling here. Besides, I would never subject an innocent animal to the Black Eyed Peas.

  14. I’m pretty sure “listening to the same song on repeat forever” is one of the tortures Satan has waiting for me in hell, so I’ll take the hi-viz tape on my immaculately restomodded convertible Scout II, tyvm.

  15. Applied correctly, caution tape could possibly be viewed as a Eddie Van Halen guitar design tribute. Seems appropriate for my generational appropriate Porsche 959.

  16. Gosh, my perfect vehicle would be a fire truck, which nominally comes with reflective tape.. wait a minute! …Torch get out of my dreams, man!

  17. I can honestly say I have never hear ‘My Humps’ before you made me do it.
    Damn you to hell, Torch. That shit is, well, shit.

    So, I will take the reflective tape on… a 1966 Corvair Corsa Turbo.
    Maybe that will make it safe!

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