Welcome back to Shitbox Showdown! Today we have one reader-suggested car, and one I found to compete against it. Both are Italian, and no, neither one of them is drivable. But before we sink into those money pits, let’s see who won yesterday’s Jeep battle:
And it’s leaf springs and square headlights for the win. This is where I’d go too. I’ve always been curious about an automatic-to-manual swap, and if ever there were an ideal candidate, it’s that blue Wrangler.
Now then: the adjective “exotic” can have different connotations depending on the noun that follows it. “Exotic locale” brings to mind images of white-sand beaches and drinks served in a hollowed-out coconut. “Exotic dancer” is often said with a smirk, and certainly conjures an image, but we’re not here to judge. And “exotic car?” Chances are that when someone says that, the car that comes to your mind was made in Italy. Italian car names just sound exotic: Ferrari. Lamborghini. Maserati. Alfa Romeo. They sound cool, feel cool to say, and immediately make you think of speed, style, and a little bit of magic.
But what if your Italian exotic has four doors, and can easily be mistaken for a Chevy or a Datsun? Is it no longer worth the trouble? Or is it a cheap point of entry to the world of Italian cars? And how cheap is cheap enough for you to take the plunge? Let’s take a look at a couple of Italian sedans and see.
1986 Maserati 425 Biturbo – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: Twin-turbocharged 2.5 liter overhead cam V6, five-speed manual, RWD
Location: Richmond, VA
Odometer reading: 27,000 miles
Runs/drives? No, but it hasn’t been sitting for long
This car was suggested to me by reader Adam Kinsman, through our tip line, tips@theautopian.com. Thanks, Adam! I’d still like to get a more direct reader suggestion box set up, but for now, David said he’s happy to hand-copy the ads and have them delivered to me by a courier, who, ironically, drives a Courier. Anyway, what we’re looking at here is the four-door sedan version of Maserati’s notorious Biturbo line, a car designed to compete with BMW’s 3 series. Renowned for its cushy interior, reviled for its spectacularly bad reliability, the Biturbo is one of those cars you almost never see for sale running. And this boxy green sedan is no exception.
The Biturbo name comes from this car’s most famous attribute: two turbochargers, one on either bank of the 90-degree V6 engine. Turbos were all the rage in the ’80s, as they are again now, but back then the technology hadn’t really caught up to the promise of forced induction. Maserati was the first to put two turbochargers on a production engine, and it was a half-assed implementation. Two turbos under the hood, along with a marginal cooling system and no intercoolers, made for some hot underhood temperatures. Worse, those two turbos rammed all that hot air down the throat of a single Weber carburetor on these early models, resulting in a system that was a nightmare to tune. Fuel injection came along one year after this car was built, and it helped immensely, but the Biturbo’s reputation was already trashed.
This Maserati was running as recently as eight months ago, which is a good sign. The seller is willing to revive it for some extra money, but you know it’s just going to break down again. Better to tow it home yourself and get to know it. This one does appear to be suffering from the other Biturbo characteristic problem, electrical issues, judging by the wires hanging out of the center console, connected to what look like Radio Shack toggle switches. Cosmetically it looks all right anyway, except for a mismatched trunk lid.
These cars are said to be great to drive, when they’re running. The trouble is that they’re complex, fragile, and high-maintenance, and parts aren’t cheap. And for all that trouble, you get a car that may drive like a fine Italian sports sedan, but looks disappointingly like a contemporary Chevy Cavalier.
1977 Alfa Romeo Alfetta – $1,000
Engine/drivetrain: 2.0 liter dual overhead cam inline 4, five-speed manual, RWD
Location: Sacramento, CA
Odometer reading: 65,000 miles
Runs/drives? Nope
Jeremy Clarkson once said that Alfa Romeo builds cars “to be as good as a car can be, briefly.” I’ve only had the pleasure of driving one, a scruffy 1984 Spider that I was once thinking of buying, but it was indeed magnificent to drive – until it started sputtering and stalling at every red light. Honda Civics they are not. But then, no Civic ever made that Alfa twin-cam sound, or hustled through a corner with that delicate balanced-on-a-knife-edge handling feel. But then again, neither has this particular Alfa. Not for many years.
In the US, the Alfetta came with a 2.0 liter version of Alfa’s iconic twin-cam four, equipped with fuel injection for emissions control reasons. We also got bigger and uglier bumpers than the rest of the world, though this Alfetta appears to be missing its front bumper. The Alfetta is rear-wheel-drive, but it’s not some common live axle, or even semi-trailing arms like the Maserati; it’s a racy DeDion tube axle with a Watts linkage surrounding a rear-mounted transaxle with inboard disc brakes. This setup gave the car near-perfect weight distribution and excellent handling.
Sadly, this poor Alfa appears to have been left to languish in a forlorn parking lot in California. The interior is shot, the paint (a repaint apparently; it looks like the car was originally yellow) looks like hell, and who knows what condition that poor twin-cam engine is in? This car deserves better. It’s Cameron Frye’s car, for god’s sake.
But it is cheap, and Alfa has a good network of enthusiasts and clubs, and Alfetta sedans are so rare that they’d be happy to help you just to see one on the road, I’m sure.
I can hear the complaints about these two even as I write this. But as I’ve said before, the point here isn’t to feature good cars – it’s to feature interesting cars. And if it makes you all feel better, today was going to be Japanese sports cars until I got the tip about the Maserati, so we’ll do that tomorrow. Until then, just pick one. C’mon, it’s fun.
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
I’ve only seen a working biturbo once, and what I can say is that they sound GREAT.
Of course how often and at what cost you’ll be hearing that rumble if you get one is a different matter.
Well today’s vehicle selections certainty are the definition of “Shitbox”
They were Shit even when they were brand new! (´･_･`)
I voted for the Bi__Turbo, because I am very curious….( ಠ‿<)
*certainly*
Cheaper mistake nails it
Jesus. I abstain.
By not getting one of these cars, you have made Jesus sad.
These cars are the reason Jesus and every other owner walked everywhere.
This is like choosing which foot you’d want to get amputated
The correct foot
could not vote, both are completely inexcusable to be used as anything but recycled metal. I suppose the already dropping price of the alfa indicates this one will be negotiable. I suppose if it could be had for 500 dollars the alfa might be adequate for a Lemons racer, maybe just call it Tetanus. But I am surprised the Maserati Guy thinks that pile is worth anything over 1,000 dollars. technically he would have to pay me to haul it off. the only good one of those I ever saw was the electric conversion one that Edd China built on Wheeler Dealers.
https://dailyturismo.com/wheeler-dealer-electric-conversion-1985-maserati-biturbo/
The Maserati would be more comfortable to sit in while I wonder why it won’t work. The Alfetta would turn to dust the moment I brought it to the midwest. Some of those wheel wells are already getting started, and they’re in CA!
I’ve always had an irrational affection for the biturbo. Would prefer a two door, but this is still the easy winner for me.
If the Alfa were a GT… I might be game… even though it would probably continue to live under a tarp.
But since it’s not… I’ll go Maserati. At least I’m pretty sure I can get that one running. Admittedly probably not for long or regularly…
But… are those muddy animal tracks all over the front and rear seats?
No.
I’ll vote Alfa, but…
No.
My father had an Alfa Romeo 33 1.7l 16v 4X4 in the early 90’s ,very rare and very unreliable but cool hot hatch for the time when it run.
As it was pretty often broke down and since it was still under guarantee the garage while repairing it lend us their courtesy vehicle wich was an Alfetta 1.8l and I love it ,a bit down in power with the 33 118hp vs 137hp but nearly the same weight, different engine noise but both were very good (boxer 4 vs I4 dohc).
The big advantage for me as a young driver was that it was a RWD, I’ve never driven a RWD before, in France you know that was already a rare sight, so for me it was much more fun to drive this old Alfetta than the new front drived derived 4wd 33.(the gravel parking lot of my little town remembers that very well)
I have very fond memory of this old purple Alfetta and was hoping my dad’s car would broke down again so I could drive the Alfetta which I think was more reliable than ours even being more than 10 years older.
20 years ago I search to buy one but there was only rusty broke down examples so I buy a BMW 320i, a better car but I would still prefer the Alfetta.
I love the looks of the Biturbo but those things make British cars look downright reliable. Nope, taking my chances with the Alfa. The extra money to throw towards repairs doesn’t hurt, either.
I kind of like the looks of those bi-turbos, but mostly the two-door ones. Since this one clocks in at $3500, I’m going to assume that’s the budget. $2500 worth of beer would make for a good number of fun “wrenching” nights with some friends standing around and talking about that Alfa before pissing off someone on Twitter by selling it to an Italian-leaning Lemons team.
For once, I was hoping there’d be a third option on the voting table. “Fuck it, neither are worth my time, much less my money”
I had the opportunity to drive both high maintenance Italian mistresses.
I never forget the test drive with Maserati Biturbo in Dallas in 1983. That day was about 95°F to 100°F when we went for the test drive. The salesperson was so enthusiastic about the Biturbo and wanted to show me how fast the car accelerated. Ten minutes of highly spirited driving later, the instrument cluster lit up like a Christmas tree, the gnarly thumps and shakes followed, and the strong smell of antifreeze blew through the vents. That was the end of Biturbo and salesperson’s career.
I owned the 1971 Alfa Romeo 1750A Berlina so I learnt how to tame the shrewd. Alfetta would be easier for me to work on than Biturbo.
Death by firing squad, or death by hanging? I’ll take the Alpha. It’s cheaper, and I think it would be a cooler car if it was running. The $2500 difference would give you a running start at it.
The Maserati. My Alfa Romeo mechanic who wrenches on my 71 Spider has an almost perfect, absolutely beautiful Biturbo that’s been sitting in an Airplane Hanger for ?15? years now waiting for him to get around to fixing it (it just needs “a little” engine work). He hasn’t gotten it fixed in all that time, and old Italian cars are his business. Yet, even now, every so often some romantic fool tries to buy it from him because it’s beautiful.
So, after even YOU abandon all hope on the Maserati there will always be some greater fool is “gonna LS swap it” or something. It will leave your garage – on a flat-tow truck- but it’ll leave and a bit of money will land in your pocket.
The Alfa is the ugliest of all possible Alfas, has no parts support beyond basic engine parts common to other models, and has apparently already been used as a dog house. It is going to sit behind your garage, under a blue tarp, forever…
The Alfa, even though it’s about $500 too much
Saying neither is not in the spirit of Shitbox Showdown. The Maserati is a nicer place to sit while you try to figure out whatever has gone wrong with it this time. No need to sweep out the cobwebs before you sit behind the wheel and make vroom-vroom noises, pretending that it runs.
Perfect way to ensure your teenager stays at home, buy this for them and they will never get it running- too bad the clock is missing from the BiTurbo, the best part
BiTurbo…I guess? Both are not great. Wish the Biturbo was an 87 instead so it would have fuel injection…which of course would probably be equally or more unreliable.
Sam Bankman-Fried couldn’t scam enough crypto to keep either of these in running order for more than a month.
My heart wants to pick the Alfa but that one is a bit too rough for me. I guess I’ll go with the Maserati here. I’ve always thought it would be neat to get a non-running Biturbo and swap in some sort of actually reliable engine (sorry Maserati purists). That one is a bit more expensive than what I’d want to spend on a shell but at least the body and interior look to be in reasonably decent shape.
As for my swap of choice, my mind always went to a Nissan SR20 since they still have excellent parts support and can easily make enough power to be fun in something like that but SRs aren’t cheap anymore so who knows what I’d end up doing with my hypothetical Biturbo swap project
The mileage of both cars tells me all I need to know about their reliability. These are both terrible, but we must choose. I’ll take the Maser since it seems it has a small chance of getting back on the road. Briefly.
They are both parts cars. Take the cheapest one and use the seats b