Good morning, and welcome to another Shitbox Showdown! Today it’s Two-Door Tuesday, as we take a look at a mismatched pair of sport coupes with branded titles. But first, let’s take a look at what you thought of ze Germans:
The Audi has it easily. I am not surprised, nor do I disagree. The words “BMW” and “head gasket” are enough to strike fear into the hearts of the most seasoned shitbox aficionados.
You know what else is a scary phrase? “Salvage title.” A car that has been totaled, stolen, or junked and then returned to service is something of a wild card. What exactly happened to it? How well was it repaired? It’s possible you’ll never know. Worse, in some places, cars with “dirty” titles can be difficult to insure, and sometimes lenders won’t give you a loan for them. I’ve only had one car with a dinged title: a 1991 Nissan Pathfinder for which we paid the princely sum of $1,300. It served us well for three years, so I can’t complain.
But what about the oddities, the rarities, the cars that would be priced much higher if that one little box on the title were blank? What about, for instance, a Firebird plucked from a junkyard, or a V12 Aston Martin with front end damage? Are they worth the hassle of figuring out the title? Let’s take a look and see.
1980 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am – $4,500
Engine/drivetrain: 4.9 or 5.0 liter overhead valve V8, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Issaquah, WA
Odometer reading: 134,000 miles
Runs/drives? Yep!
All right, get your mullet jokes ready for the comments. Yes, it’s the fabled Trans Am, Pontiac’s top dog in the Firebird line, the muscle car of so many young men’s dreams throughout the 1970s and 80s. But before you get too excited, I have the same bad news for you that Trans Am buyers were faced with in 1980: this car is slow. To meet emissions targets, Pontiac dropped the big 6.6 liter engine choices, leaving only their own 301, or a 305 cubic inch small block borrowed from Chevy. A turbocharged version of the 301 was available, but those were so rare and special that if this car was a turbo, the seller would have mentioned it. They didn’t. So what you’re looking at is a small V8 fueled by a Quadrajet four-barrel, wheezing out somewhere around a hundred and fifty horsepower through a compulsory Turbo-Hydramatic 350 transmission.
This Firebird has a completely unknown provenance. The seller bought it from a junkyard, and apparently drove it home. They shined it up, and it came out pretty good. The red paint isn’t original, so the “screaming chicken” decals are long gone. Fear not; reproductions are available. The interior is intact but worn, and there is a little bit of body damage; the car’s rubber nose looks a little sad. But really, it’s not terrible.
Let’s not kid ourselves: Burt Reynolds or James Garner aside, these cars are more or less crap. Firebirds and Camaros of this era were slapped together quickly and cheaply, with no regard for reliability or durability. They were meant to be used up and thrown away by young men, who were then supposed to come back and buy another Pontiac or Chevy of a more respectable sort. Pontiac sold half as many Trans Ams in 1980 as they did in 1979, likely due to the lackluster engine choices, but the swoopy lines and gaudy decals drew buyers into the showrooms, and that is what they were meant to do.
But even these sad slow malaise-era cars have always had a following, and they’re slowly gaining respectability as collector’s items. So how did an intact, functional 1980 Trans Am end up in a junkyard outside Seattle? There’s no way to know, but we can be thankful someone had the good sense to pull it out.
2005 Aston Martin DB9 – $18,900
Engine/drivetrain: 5.9 liter dual overhead cam V12, six-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Woodland, WA
Odometer reading: 93,000 miles
Runs/drives? Runs, but not driveable
Yes, I know this car is well outside the normal price parameters of this column, But a shitbox is a shitbox, no matter the cost, and how often do you see a banged-up Aston Martin? It’s just too interesting to pass up, so to hell with the normal price range.
The DB9 was designed and produced during Ford’s ownership of Aston Martin. Its V12 engine shares some DNA with the Duratec V6 in your aunt’s Taurus, but this is still a handmade luxury grand tourer, a fast, wasteful, glorious two-plus-two-seater that is both expressive and impressive. You drive an Aston Martin DB9 so that people know you can afford to drive an Aston Martin DB9.
It gets less impressive when you smash it into something and discover that the front clip is a bunch of plastic, like some common Altima or something. But don’t expect to just go down to the Pick N’ Pull and find a new front bumper for this sucker. Worse, the impact damaged the radiators – yes, plural – so this Aston isn’t going anywhere under its own steam (so to speak). And I checked: Rock Auto does not carry radiators for this.
I’m not sure who the buyer is for this car. First, you have to want an Aston; second, you have to be willing to fix a banged-up one; and third, you have to be able to do the work yourself, because taking this to a shop for repair would probably make it as expensive as a real Aston. But if you simply have to have one, this might be the least expensive way to get one.
So how about it? Are you up to the challenge of reviving a half-assed muscle car, or patching up a busted British thoroughbred? And are you willing to jump through the hoops at the DMV to get its papers in order?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
Trans Am. It’s the perfect car for your teenager. He gets the ego trip of having one, you get a car you know has lousy HP meaning no racing and falls apart constantly leading to wrenchable moments.
I probably wouldn’t touch either of these IRL, and I love Aston Martins. There’s something about performance oriented British 2+2s that just hit all the right notes for me (Jaaaaaags included). I won’t lie, I’ve occasionally been tempted by sub 60k Aston Martins. They pop up in my area fairly frequently. I don’t find the V8 Vantage to be particularly tempting, but a DB7, Vanquish, DB9, etc?
Oooof. I think Astons are some of the most beautiful cars ever made regardless of what era they’re from…but I can’t even begin the imagine the costs it must take to keep a 10-30 year old British V12 running. I’d imagine it’s well into four figures annually and could even eek into five if you’re unlucky….and that doesn’t even factor in insurance and low-teens fuel economy on premium. With that knowledge in hand my GT dreams remain firmly in the hands of the LC500. I just need them to dip into 50-65 range, and I think they will.
But if I had to pick one of these to buy in the Autopian’s dime gimme the Trans Am, hell yeah brother. I’ll drop an LS, a Tremec six speed, and a bangin stereo in there, crank up some Jake E. Lee era Ozzy, and head to the shore to buy some Def Leppard t shirts.
A solid TA with a good interior for $4500? That’s a damn good deal for a blank canvas.
The Aston? Leave that insanity to the YouTubers.
“Don’t tell me you love me!
Don’t tell me you love meeeeEEEeeee!
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to knooooooOOOOOOoooooow!!!”
[insert bitchin’ guitar solo]
Night Ranger? The proper cassette would have Sammy Haggar’s ‘Trans Am’ on it.
“with a custom plate, that says ‘IEATZ28′”
Though the car in that song had a 6.6, of course.
Some variation of IEETAZZ seems perfect for this car, but I’m guessing if you request a vanity plate for a 1980 Firebird the first thing the DMV does is look for vulgarity.
There’s virtually nothing I like about Trans Ams, much less this one, but if I have to choose a car, it’ll be the one that doesn’t require a server stack to change the oil.
Honestly I’d take the Trans Am as an art piece or movie prop rather than try to get any fun out of driving it: wrong engine, transmission, and era. But with minimal investment you can get it to look great while sitting in it, which is what those cars are really good for.
The Aston will be tons of cash to fix, and more when someone sneezes next to it and you have to get it fixed again. Hard pass.
The Aston. I know people who know people.
Tough one… That Trans Am is certainly more my budget, but if you wanted to do a Mad Max/Off-Road Aston Martin and play “The People Eater”‘s British cousin, this is a great way to start.
Get the Firebird because it’s cheap and easy to fix as you go. That Aston Martin needs a lot of work, and its value will keep going down even as you make painfully expensive repairs.
That Trans Am is the perfect blank canvas. It isn’t anything special, so to hell with numbers matching drive trains and squeaky clean titles. Make it whatever you want with readily available parts, and have a blast doing it!
Neither car really appeals to me much, although the T/A does win out on the trailer trash factor, the Aston is a much better looking and rarer car. The T/A would probably see an LS swap if picked. Both have potential as chick magnets, but the Aston greatly moreso.
I’d personally try to save the Aston, but I’d have a lot of research to do.
That Trans Am could be absolutely pristine and I wouldn’t pay $4500 for that turd.
If I’m flushing a bunch of Benjamins down the toilet on a salvage, I’ll choose flushing 45 versus 189, thanks.
The Trans Am was rescued from a junkyard? I’m reminded of Cousin Eddie in ‘Christmas Vacation’ who wanted to “fumigate this here chair” after the cat was incinerated under it. No, thanks.
But what to do with the DB9? That’s easy: call Tyler Hoover of Hoovie’s Garage. It’s a hooptie he can take to the Car Wizard for repairs; that should be enough content for at least a couple of episodes.
Or let Tavarish get his filthy mitts on it, repair it in a half-assed way, and then get a Car Trek special out of the whole ordeal.
The Trans Am all the way. You’ll have a lot more fun with a cheap but worn car than you will with an expensive fixer-upper.
My ’79 T/A WS6, bird delete, was a completely different car, but no Poncho Left Behind.
Is that a real poncho? I mean, is that a Mexican poncho or is that a Sears poncho?
…closer to a Sears Poncho I ‘spose: made in U.S.A., lifetime torque guarantee, almost fast, and bring it back after twenty years to get whut you paid fer it!
I jumped through the login hoops just to reply to this FZ reference.
Too bad the Trans Am doesn’t have T-tops 🙁
Counterpoint: Since it’s a hard-top and not one with leaky t-tops, this one might actually have intact floors!
Maybe 🙂
Screaming Chicken, hell yeah!
Buy both and put the V12 in the Trans Am
Have my +1 you glorious bastard. Why LS swap it when you can *checks notes* Aston V12 swap it?!
Without question, the Aston is vastly superior in every way and a far more impressive car. That price is probably a bargain for it. But I can work on everything in the T/A with the tools I already own. Aftermarket parts are widely available to repair what ails it and to replace the woefully inadequate engine without bankrupting me. Sadly, I don’t have enough hair left to sport a mullet while driving it, but I can definitely replace the stereo and pump out Night Ranger all day via Bluetooth. T/A all the way.
‘ Sadly, I don’t have enough hair left to sport a mullet while driving it, but I can definitely replace the stereo and pump out Night Ranger all day via Bluetooth. T/A all the way. ‘
The aftermarket can help you with that mullet too:
https://www.amazon.com/LeMarnia-Halloween-Costume-Fashion-Accessories/dp/B09LYHXC7F/ref=sr_1_3_sspa?keywords=mullet%2Bwig&qid=1674573431&sr=8-3-spons&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzQzYwV0tKTjdERDY3JmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNDYyOTY3MVJOT1NQTU5IN1FFRiZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMTQ3NTIwVFlHVFE3TU5GMlc4JndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ&th=1
Including a Night Ranger tape (single) would definitely sweeten the pot.
I’m in but led zeppelin please!
Sooooo easy. I didn’t even need to read the text here. Screaming chicken and “6.6 litre“ stickers please (yeah, I know it’s not the 6.6) but that red is damn close to color of the high school kid’s trans am. He had the feathered hair and hot girlfriend and was at the 7-11 where I played TRON and defender and time pilot every morning when I was in junior high…I wanted to be that cool.
Still working on it 😉
Trans Am for sure. A quick 10 second google search is showing that DB9 radiators are about $1,400 or so and front bumpers not much cheaper. Plus who knows what else is going to need replacing.
The Trans Am is simple enough to where I feel confident I can keep it running with the tools I already have and parts are certainly going to be far cheaper and easier to come by.
I’ll take the Red Dragon. A sub-$20k Aston Martin just seems like asking for a disaster.
To make that Trans Am into a real car, drop a new motor in it- a built 350, 383 stroker, or an LS.
To make that Aston into a real car, go to the bank, drop your pants, and bend over.