Why do bad things happen to good people? It’s one of the great ontological questions we, as humans, must struggle with from time-to-time. Our own Adrian Clarke, in particular, is a delightful human being. We love him. His luck is outright shit. So it wasn’t a surprise to us that he becomes the first person in our Slack’s history to message us from the back of an ambulance.
Who is ready to see Adrian’s nipples? I am ready to see Adrian’s nipples. But first, how it all began:
Thankfully, Adrian had the presence of mind to Slack all of us. It’s worth also noting here that in the United States this would be a bigger deal because you’re probably looking at a $1,200 bill. In the United Kingdom, where Adrian resides, even goths get to ride for basically free.
Once we sort of determined that Adrian wasn’t going to immediately die, our thoughts jumped straight to the content angles:
Honestly, though, kinda bummed he didn’t grab a pen and paper and instead selfishly focused on trying to reduce his overwhelming abdominal pain.
I mean, I will get content out of it.
I don’t remember getting a reel!
It’s true, though, Europeans use 25p. I don’t know why.
If you guessed David was the one who ended up in the ambulance I don’t blame you. Ok, here come the nipples:
And of course, here comes Peter with one of his great photoshops:
That’s a reference to The Six Million Dollar Man which, by the way, the intro for this thing is so bonkers. Look at how expensive this must have been to produce!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRgqouS1O6E
Oh, yeah, Adrian didn’t die.
We love you, too, man.
Continuing to do your job from the back of an ambulance while high is just plain awesome to me.
I can’t tell wether it’s stoicism, stubbornness, gallows humor or all of the above and just so quintessentially British of you.
Either way, mad respect for this type of attitude and work ethic. You’re a member of a dying breed. But not today mate.
Although separated by an ocean I consider this motley lot family. Not sure what I did to deserve that, good or bad. But here we are.
“Not sure what I did to deserve that, good or bad”
I’m thinking eating Heinz beans on toast washed down with Guinness.
Gallows humor is the best humor.
Agreed
Glad to hear it was bad gas. I herd reports of a loud explosion and thought uh-oh.
The last time I was in an ambulance, the driver asked if I wanted vomit comet mode.
As fun as that sounded I declined.
On the subject of getting new organs, I think Adrian would LOVE the musical film “Repo: The Genetic Opera”.
For emergencies, I would only suggest it not be only for members, just for the sake of everyone not worrying (Thanks for keeping the comments section)…it’s GREAT that you have a cheaper membership (I think you will get a lot more now) since this is such an awesome site!!!
So now my sides hurt from laughter. Remember: pain + time = comedy.
Really glad you’re ok and that we have something to laugh about rather than mourn.
The great Mel Brooks said “Tragedy is when I cut my finger; comedy is when you fall down an open sewer and die”.
I guessed wrong. I just knew it would be Chainsaw Torch. The compassion shown by your comrades was heartwarming. I was waiting for someone to ask for your Ferrari. Glad you’re OK, Pal.
They’re monsters, not masochists.
Glad you’re all right, Adrian.
When I was 12 my carpool driver ran over my leg (oops) and I got an ambo ride. I was asking the EMTs whether it had a small-block or a big-block (it was a Ford) and correcting their grammar – I was fine.
Priorities! This kind of detail is important. My ambulance was a Fiat Ducato (Dodge Ram Pro Master).
Excellent choice sir. May I ask if it was the box-body or the high-roof? Newer models (2021-) have a vastly improved front-end in my opinion, still chunky black plastic but more svelte and sculpted than the blobfish gen3.
How to properly cover nipples:
https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/zotxpz726h14aruk9sxwp/PXL_20230714_214313703.MP.jpg?rlkey=vogp7tbq0aaokp4j88vrdgrd1&dl=0
Glad you’re OK! We’re not going to lose anyone here.
Not on David or Torch’s watch. On Matt’s maybe.
Subaru Forester drivers are known for their recklessness. Be careful around them.
As an EMT here in the States, the view in the back of a different Ambo is fascinating. It’s so small! And no windows! If we could post pics here I get one of the back of ours and post it.
I desperately need a review of a British Ambo!
Please!
Also, glad you’re Ok Adrian!
You should fart more often.
I generally fart like a junkyard dog. Proudly and loudly.
Attaboy!
Glad to hear you are OK. Always go to the ER sometime BEFORE you think you absolutely have to do so.
Also, the appendix isn’t really useless, although a lot of people think that. It’s part of your immune system, with a lot of lymphatic tissue in it, that does surveillance on your gut biome. It is valuable, in that it usually harbors a large aliquot of those ‘good baceria’ which we are supposed to have in our colon. Then, if you get a bacterial infection like shigella, or a viral one like Norovirus, that little healthy population repopulates your intestines when the diarrhea subsides.
You don’t absolutely HAVE to have it. But it’s better if you don’t have to have it out, generally speaking.
Very interesting! I didn’t know this
Also: It is valuable…(checks car ads…)
For a special members only zone, the door seems wide open
Not complaining though
To address Matt’s excellent point, the Six Million Dollar Man credit sequence is indeed right up there with the best of them ever made.
It manages to tell you everything you need to know about the show in the coolest possible fashion, using amazingly well-chosen visuals and sound (even before the theme).
Additional trivia bit: that’s actually Lee Majors doing the pilot radio chatter at the beginning.
As a little kid, this show blew my mind. Esp. the out-there episodes like Death Probe! And Return of Death Probe!
It used to scare the shit out of me as a kid, and I’m not sure why.
Death Probe? Me too. Creeped me out, the idea of being chased around by a malevolent Russian space probe crashed landed in a small town in the middle of nowhere.
No, the opening credits. I think it was fascination/horror at a man being turned into a cyborg, plus the horrifying crash, which was a lot for six year old me to process.
Yeah, and the two-part pilot is quite serious and adult, not for kids at all.
You get all the opening credit images plus more, and Steve is near suicidal over this situation and very ambivalent/angry about his future as a govt agent. They really lightened things up once the network picked the show up.
What freaked me out when I found out later is that the crash in the opening scene was -real- ! A test pilot was trying to land an experimental “lifting body” aircraft…. However, he only lost an eye ????????
Here’s a 2-minute youtube video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UK15_Cqwx2Q
Now that the crisis has been averted…
Torch had a good idea: how about a feature on the NHS ambulance? We love a specialty vehicle around here, and The 6 Hundred Quid Man* mentioned how much stuff is in there – might be interesting. 🙂
* also considered the Mighty Morphine Power Ranger
Morphine beats brake fluid any day.
That photo! Sort of a kinky Captain Picard thing going on there.
Get better soon.
Adrian, how many lights?
Imagine one of Miss Mercedes’ VW’s. Twice as many check lights as that.
THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!!!!
Never fuck around with pains like that. Glad to see that you’re ok Adrian.
I had a similar situation a few years back. I thought it was gas pains so I ignored the pain for several hours. My wife started getting scared because of some comment I made about not being able to get comfortable, so we headed off to the ER. Turned out to be a pulmonary embolism. I’m lucky to be alive today.
Yeah I dismissed gas because a)I wasn’t gassy and b) it was so incredibly painful and was definitely sticking around. Because of my gall bladder history I wasn’t taking chances. Glad you made through okay mate.
I feel like asking us to guess this was too easy. US-based writers would have driven themselves to avoid the expense. Also, you spoiled it before we could guess.
The ambulance took around thirty minutes to arrive. If it had been much longer I would have attempted to (I actually did five years ago when I was admitted, but that wasn’t as severe and the NHS helpline had made an appointment for me with the night doctor so I knew I’d be seen straight away).
Of course I would have guessed Tracy but I’m relieved to see that:
1). It wasn’t anything major
2). It occurred to one of our Autopian family members who lives in a place with universal healthcare!
I’ve heard horror stories about what the bills for a ride in the wee ooo wagon can be. If I’m ever dying just dump me in the back of an Uber and tell the driver to do their best…and do your best to make sure it’s a somewhat cool ride. I’d hate to die in the back of a goddamn Sonata or something…
Torch had an opportunity to use flashing tail lights for nipple covers and he didn’t??
Glad everything is okay, Adrian!
I suggested the members badges because I KNEW Matt can’t resist blogging the misery. And near death experiences. He’s a monster.
Sorry to hear about your fart attack.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRXDKvoPsyY
Funny thing is at my place of employment if you take an ambulance ride on the clock they drug test you. Never admit anything in writing or in camera. Just how many of those nipple/chest adornments were medical?
That wasn’t all of them! There were another three further down on my abdomen and two on my shins, strangely enough. If was for an ECG.
That’s what they all say weirdo…
We don’t kink shame around here.
You’re lucky you weren’t admitted–each department seems to have different ideas on where those sticky patches go, so they pull the last batch on and put on new ones. Then you go back and the next nurse or tech tut-tuts and rips them all off and starts over…
I got out looking like I had gotten 20% of a chest wax from a blind and drunk aesthetician. And weird bald patches on my leg. And they shaved one side of my inner thigh. Good times.
Yeah, the paramedics did one when they treated me initially before the ambulance ride. The young paramedic joked she was going to give me a chest wax. I debated going with my standard “are they paying you extra to hurt me’ but in the end went with ‘don’t lie you enjoy this part”.
So when can I buy Autopian pasties?
Glad someone is asking the important questions!
There’s a secret membership level where you get access to the picture WITHOUT the pasties…….
Koenigsegg Alcantara
British Leyland Stripey Stuff we Ordered by Mistake Because Interior Buyer on Strike.
Whale-penis leather?
Hahaha. Does it involve me going to a taillight bar to access this upper level?
if the time comes, you will be notified of the initiation……procedure.
*quickly upgrading membership*
I KNEW IT from the black pants. I KNEW IT! Few brave long black pants this time of year unless they’re Committed To The Bit.
IDK what the UK’s weather is like or if you guys start to wilt over 25 C, but this time of year here simply does not score well on the much-missed Black Clothing Comfortability Index.
(Feel better soon, Adrian. Is this where I recommend beans and cheese?)
See, I went with David b/c…Nikes.
Adrian seems engineer boots, for a vintage moto vibe. Doc Martins seem too on the nose perhaps.
Also, for those of us State-side, this was a Big Bang Theory bit. While Sheldon thinks his appendix is about to burst and is being hustled to the ER, it turns out it might have been rash to just start “cruciferous vegetable night” all at once.
(Feel better soon Adrian!)
This is casual dossing about during the day doing shit Adrian. Air Max 90’s (which are mega comfortable for my prone-to-cramp feet) and cargo pants.
Also David is too cheap to buy Nikes.
Fact.
FYI, I was in Scotland a few weeks ago and they were complaining about their heatwave. Highs approaching 80F. At the same time, heat index in Austin was 116F. I’ll take a Scottish heatwave anytime.
Yeah but that’s the Scottish. They’re all ginger and allergic to the sun as it rains 364 days a year up there. Also they never see natural light because they never leave the pub.
They are as bad as those arrogant French bastards.
Yes those stylish, good cheese, wine, bread and Citroen making utter jumping amphibian fondlers. They’re so terrible.
As someone stuck in Austin:
get me the hell out of here
please
I’m begging you
get me out of here right now
Can’t help you there. Just go jump into Barton Springs pool until November. It may drop below 90 by then. Maybe.
I know how you feel. My daughter is a senior in high school and when she goes off to college, my wife and I are planning to find a more temperate place to live. If we find a place with a guest house, we’ll invite you over for summers.
“Willing to relocate” has been coming up a lot more often this round.
If I stay, that’s fine, but if I don’t, that’s also fine.
We’re generally a lot better now that most commercial premises and cars have a/c (although rarely homes it’s usually not needed).
The only time I wear shorts is if I’m swimming (so basically never). My dressing up style is more industrial/post apocalyptic so I’m usually fine at festivals, unlike those fucking Victorian lace wearers poncing about pretending they’re vampires.
yeeeeeeahhhh…it’s “wear shorts bad” down here and I hate it
Am I a bad guy for getting Alan Rickman vibes from that hospital bed shot? I meant that in the nicest way possible.
Whoo – that was quite a ride. Glad you’re OK Adrian!
You guys gotta send out those Autopian pasties for membership swag, or else make them available in the store.
I’m really glad that what everyone is concerned about is the existence of Autopian pasties and not the fact I WENT TO THE ER ON TUESDAY IN THE BACK OF A FUCKING AMBULANCE IN EXCRUCIATING AGONY.
You’re all horrible, horrible people. And we love you for it.
Sounds to me like someone’s upset that the ambulance crew didn’t let him keep the pasties.
Not gonna lie more upset they didn’t let me keep the gas.
I thought keeping the gas was what started this in the first place.
Nailed it!
COTD by far
I’m too meta for my own fucking good sometimes.
Seriously, though: glad it was just a scare.
Cheers. Glad you didn’t ask about Autopian nipple pasties.
If anyone is gonna need those pasties it’s not gonna be AC. It’s gonna be the reaper that comes to collect his soul.
To quote Red Dwarf:
Lister:
You said yourself. I can’t stop it. Let’s get this over with. [grabs a pipe]
Rimmer:
Lister, what’s that for?
Lister:
I’m going out as I came in, screaming and kicking.
Rimmer:
You can’t just whack Death on the head!
Lister:
If he comes near me, I’m gonna rip his nipples off!
A couple decades back my gf none to gently disabused me of any illusions that I could successfully sport pasties. I’ve come to understand that she did society a favor there.
We have our priorities, dammit! But at least I did lead with some obligatory (sigh) well-wishes 🙂