You know what I haven’t seen out on the road in a long-ass time, that I used to see everywhere? Bras. Not the kind to restrain those magnificent markers of mammality, the car kind. You know the ones: leathern or faux-leather mask-like things strapped to the faces of cars, often in an attempt to protect them or out of some dreadfully misguided sense of style. Growing up in the 1980s and into the 1990s, these things were all over the place, making any random parking lot look like it had a sprinkling of cars that were either into some kind of kink or had compromised immune systems. But, they seem to be disappearing off our roads, so let’s take a moment to yell some shit at them as they slink out, hopefully on their way to the landfills of hell.
I realize it’s possible a lot of you may never have encountered bra-wearing cars! In that case, here, let me show you what they are:
Keep in mind, people chose to do this to their cars. They spent their own hard-earned money to apply something to their cars that gave both of these vibes, somehow simultaneously:
Yes, if your goal was to turn your car into something that managed to make people think of both bondage gimp masks and how your grandma used to sheathe her sofas in plastic covers, then a car bra was absolutely the right call.
The history of the car bra is mildly interesting, as it seems to have been something that Porsche used when doing testing, as a temporary way to protect the paint. They’d been doing this since the 356 era, and even directly referenced the practice in a 1969 ad for the 911:
They call it a bra there, too. But as far as non-manufacturer-internal-use bras go, those seem to have been born in 1961, directly inspired by these Porsche bras. According to Bill Colgan, inventor of the Colgan Original Car Bra, this is how it all started, as told in 1988:
One day a group of Lockheed engineers brought me a ragged piece of canvas with sewn-in wooden slats, rubber bands, crude hooks and other miscellaneous innovations. They asked if I would be interested in making about a dozen of these and I remember saying “What the hell is it, a chastity belt for Godzilla ?” They replied that it was a protective cover used by the Porsche factory for road testing new cars and on unofficial loan to them.
I accepted the challenge and completely redesigned the German cover, spending about as much time road testing as sewing. After about six weeks and a small mountain of scrap material we finished 12 covers. Within a week the Lockheed engineers were back asking for 50 more covers. We made a total of about 150 covers at that time, all for Porsche 356 models, until I had to discontinue the project because of an overload of upholstery work.
Much like other innovators in the automotive world, such as Bruce Meyers and his Meyers Manx kit, Colgan soon found that, after initial mockery, his product came to be copied by anyone and everyone with leather and thread:
In 1973 I applied for a $3,000 loan. When I said that I wanted the money for material to make car bras, all I could see were the soles of the banker’s shoes as he went over backwards. It was about 5 years, around 1975, that the bra began to show signs of interest for anyone other than Porsche owners. Soon it became obvious that those funny looking things were starting to sell and I was no longer the only one making bras. Now of course anyone with a sewing machine and a pepper tree to set up under is into the act. Today most people know what a bra is but I only wish some of these late-comers could have been there in the early days when only a handful of Porsche enthusiasts knew what a car bra was.
I respect Bill Colgan and what he managed to pull off, but I just can’t come around to respecting car bras. When Porsche developed them, they were for temporary testing use, for cars that would then go off to be sold, and that makes perfect sense. That’s a good application for that thing.
But that’s not how car bras were used by the people who bought them. Almost invariably, they’d just be left on the cars all the time. where, sure, they’d protect from unsightly stone chips or squished insects or whatever, but as a result you’d have that ridiculous-looking swath of black leather or vinyl all over the face of your car.
This feels like one of those cases where the cure is worse than the disease. A few stone chips or minor dents or scratches or whatever aren’t the end of the world – cars get used, out in the messy world, and imperfections add character. A big sloppy black leather Hamburglar mask on the front of your car just looks worse.
And, if that’s not enough, the protection car bras provide is, at best, illusory. Maybe you’re not getting rock chips, but that bra is also collecting grit and grime and moisture and probably a few rat poops and who the hell knows what else. When people remove car bras that have been on cars a while, they’re usually confronted with a paint-ruining mess, like what you see here:
Now, you can argue that if you’re maintaining it properly, removing the bra every month or so and carefully cleaning and drying the car, then replacing the bra, then everything would be fine. If you think that’s a reasonable thing to expect of most car owners, then I’d encourage you to go out and actually meet some human beings, who have lots of other endearing traits other than careful, regular car maintenance and often give wonderful hugs.
So, to recap, car bras look goofy, have all the character of an overly fussy grandma who is afraid to get their hair out of place, and do more damage than good, overall. So why the hell were these things ever so popular?
Happily, they don’t seem to be anymore. More modern solutions like clear-film protective car bras have replaced these by and large, though they seem to have their own significant issues when it comes to removal.
But, again, car bras seem to be disappearing, and I’m delighted. Enough with these stupid, fussy, awkward things! Your time is over! See you in hell, stupid car face mask bullshit!
I have a theory about this.
Men who put those on their cars at the peak of the Bra’s popularity are now old, secure, and sedentary, and they have grown their own pendulous stalactits. They are understandably self-conscious, and a bra on their car only reminds them of the deliquescence of their own flesh ravaged by age and beer. So to avoid the visual reminder of their mortality and the loss of their post-college bodies, they collectively started yeeting those off their nostalgia cars and not buying new ones for their new cars.
This is borne out by an empirical study BTW.
It’s a carssiere!
Thank you, Kramer.
I always like to map out the addresses in old ads.
100 Galway Pl is a very unassuming building. Neat to imagine what it was like when Porsche USA was headquartered there.
Free the… grille badges?
Every early 90’s Honda in the late 90’s had these plastered over their faces. Wasn’t a good look now, and still isn’t. Also a shame considering that 90’s Hondas looked pretty darn nice.
I actively LOLed when I saw what appears to be a gimp mask next to a plastic covered couch. As someone whose very Italian grandmother from Long Island covered every damn surface in her home with plastic (including a custom TV/VCR plastic cover that had to be seen to be believed, why would you cover a VCR in plastic… it’s MADE OF PLASTIC) and having experienced sitting on plastic covered furniture during the summer with no AC, I’d rather be wearing the mask.
Ironically, I was googling for Porsche car bras for sale just this week. The reason: that clear protective film left on the front of my Cayenne has aged 20 years and yellowed and cracked so horribly that a car bra would look oh so much better. After spending $150 on solvents, a heat gun, and scrapers, and many many hours removing the film from the side mirror housings, the car bra is starting to look like a pretty decent answer for the hood, bumper, and fenders.
Maybe it had to do with my socioeconomic status or that of the people around me. But these were always for covering up damage. Not preventing it.
Camaro RS with deer damage is just a normal Camaro RS once you buy it from auction and put a bra on it.
New cars don’t need ’em, but there’s something to be said for adding them onto a period-appropriate car. I know Enzo would never allow it, but if somebody made one for an ’83 Mondial, you bet your ass I’d have one. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve looked!
At one time, I want to say 80s or 90s? there was a molded clear lexan or similar device to act like a bra but be “invisible”. It was almost more ridiculous ..
Like an NBA face mask for cars?
yes, google failed me..
They haven’t died out at all, they just have gotten better. With PPF now, you can get a clear bra that nobody can’t see except for a small line on your hood if you do it half ass or zero line if you do the full hood.
I’ll bet Hannibal Lecter had one of these on his car.
They don’t make a carssiere for a Bentley Arnage. If he had one I shudder to think about what it was made of.
Definitely not fava bean skins.
Please, no. Anything but that.
I will admit to adorning my 1990 Plymouth Sundance with a bra. When I was 16, I accidentally drove into (3 ft into) our shed. Amazingly, the only damage to the car was a half dollar-sized dent on the hood from the shed latch. My grandfather and I hammered it the dent, but paintless dent removal it was not, so I now had a smooth hood and a circle of missing paint. I treated the bare metal to prevent rust, but couldn’t afford to get the hood (or the rest of the car) re-sprayed, but I could afford a bra, which hid the damage. So yes, I was a bra guy back in the day.
I put one on my G-Body cutlass I had in high school to cover the smashed front clip. I didn’t want my parents to see the damage from my dumb mistake. They never knew!
As a teenager is the 80’s, I can confirm that these were a fairly common sight. My neighbor had one on his 300ZX, three friends had them as well. I bought one for my Mustang, but I took it off after a month because I thought it looked goofy.
Affixing a snow plough to your vehicle serves much the same purpose and is sometimes quite useful in the winter.
Clear protective coatings are much more accessible and affordable than they were in the 80s, so I imagine they have supplanted car bras for people who are actually seeking to protect their paint.
We have PPF now so no need for it.
This. Did a fairly comprehensive XPEL Ultimate install when I got my car, and I *CANNOT* imagine the damage it would’ve taken in 8 years, particularly from track days. Nothing like taking a small piece of gravel flung at you while you’re into triple digits, checking it later and barely a mark in the film that gets removed in seconds with a heat gun.
Not cheap, but for anything collectible you’re basically paying “up front” for paint correction, but still get to keep ALL of the paint, plus not paying to paint correct, resprays, etc. Long term the cost is a wash, but you have the real premium of still having all of the original paint.
As someone who does have a car without a front grille, and that therefore puts its fragile painted bodywork straight into the wind, I do understand the desire to protect the car’s paint finish, but I never understood how the car bra was settled on as a solution. Rock chips and bug gut damage look bad, but a black shroud covering the entire front end looks way, way worse. What’s the point of making your car look bad in order to protect it? Or, what’s the point of preserving the paint, if you’re never going to actually see the paint? Just the piece of mind knowing it’s still there under the bra?
And as protection goes, they were always counter productive, trapping pollen, leaves, and debris underneath and scratching up the paint, and you would always have that uneven fading, especially on red cars.
Weirdly, I think some people bought them only because they were a status symbol in the ’80s, car bras were what yuppies put on their Porsches, so if you put one on your Mazda, people will think you’re successful, too. Especially if you add a fake car phone antenna to the trunk so you can look like some Hollywood big shot who has to make phone calls from anywhere
I think you’re right – it’s that curious car thing where racing items that have a specific purpose in a race are then appropriated for cools’ sake into an everyday thing, which then makes them silly.
The most egregious is of course spoilers. But that’s so ubiquitous now that it doesn’t register as much as bras or fire extinguishers mounted in the cockpit or whathaveyou.
“so if you put one on your Mazda, people will think you’re successful, too. Especially if you add a fake car phone antenna to the trunk so you can look like some Hollywood big shot who has to make phone calls from anywhere”
I actually knew a guy who did both the bra and a flea market blow molded fake car phone + antenna. In a 1st gen Mazda RX7. He used to answer the phone as he drew up next to a car with a pretty girl. He also wore fake eyeglasses to look smarter.
Shockingly it got him more action than scorn.
Did he also have a Mr. Microphone, by any chance? That would have made him unstoppable
Yeah but would he really have been back to pick them up later?
I remember my parents had a black, either 260 or 280 Datsun ZX that had a black bra on it. The matching colors probably helped but I remember it looking pretty decent
I actually have one for my 993, has an embossed Porsche crest and all.
I’ve used it precisely once, for the exact purpose for which I bought it – driving her cross country to her new home. It’s been packed away since.
I thought they looked ok on some cars (80’s sports cars – Porsches especially) although that may just be nostalgia talking because I saw a LOT of these on cars in marina parking lots as a kid. Even then, though, I didn’t get the practical purpose of them. Always felt like you’d just end up with a weird fading line on your car.
I put a black one on my white 280Z back in the day. That was a big mistake. I pulled it off after a few months and the paint had yellowed. It never went back on.
Haha. Tan lines.
You know what else I never see? Pet rocks, tie-dye shirts, or Flock-of-Seagulls hairstyles. If you want to stick to bad car ideas, how about hardwired car phones, hatchback louvers, opera windows, and landau roofs? So now you have some random columns for the next few days.
Now get back to writing your new car reviews.
Car reviews are a dime a dozen. I like Autopian specifically because they write goofy shit about the unsung minutiae of car design and other quirks of car culture. If all you want is new car reviews, there are a billion other places you can go to read those.
People come here for car reviews? I come here for the Mack Hardigraw mystery series and the latest news from the nation of Jasonia.
You’re making me regret I told you about procrastinating on new car reviews. I started one last night! Are you happy now, you monster?
My happiness now depends on you finding a way to write about pet rocks, tie-dye shirts, Flock-of-Seagulls hairstyles, hardwired car phones, hatchback louvers, opera windows, and landau roofs all in the same article, preferably as part of a new car review.
“It was a dark and stormy night when my pet rock and I started out for the coast. I looked over to the empty, but comfortable passenger seat of my new 2023 SinFast hatchback that I will be reviewing in this article. I could only wish my babe was sitting there next to me: I could visualize her clearly with her Flock-of-Seagulls hairstyle, and her tied-dyed T-shirt… she’d be bra-less but with her nipples discretely hidden by Autopian pasties… ah well… Even in a modern $50,000 EV you can’t have everything, even if you tick all the option boxes SinFast offers for this model and there are many to choose from.
I tried to call her but the phone interface in the SinFast wouldn’t work with my phone – fortunately the included hard-wired car-phone seemed to function fine. An odd option in a 2023 car, perhaps but so were the vinyl landau roof and the port-hole windows.
I found the car lacking in acceleration, if not exhilaration, but perhaps that’s because a pet rock isn’t nearly as fun a traveling companion as (I promised I wouldn’t use her real name in this review) and I hated driving off without her. I knew that the car would get good e-mpg – as good as a Tesla Model 3:
MPG:
134
combined
city/highway
MPGe
City MPG:
141
city
Highway MPG:
127
highway
25 kWh/100 miles
but I’d hate every mile of it between the excessive wind noise at cruising speed and the fact she wasn’t with me.
*The rest of this review is available only to Rich Corinthian Leather level subscribers….
Don’t you dare say such ugly things about my beloved rear window down louvers!
They even look great on new Mustangs.
I never understood having a brighter paint spot with no rock chips. The clear films look gross when yellowed.
I just deal with chips and use touch up paint. If it gets too bad, auto body shop.
When I had ordered my Elise back in 2005, I specifically didn’t option it with “Star Shield”, nor was mine early enough to come with a few sections free for in front of the rear wheels (as some owners reported receiving tucked away in the trunk). I always considered the resultant stone chips a badge of honor, showing that I actually drove mine daily. (all 53K miles before letting it go in 2010). Yes, over on LotusTalk there were plenty of discussions about it starting to yellow over time, and whether the decision to replace it was worth the risk of pulling up the paint.