Greetings, future Autopians. I’m writing this from the past, last Friday, to be exact. So whatever the news was that you’re all talking about this morning hasn’t happened to me yet. I hope it’s something good.
Let’s first have a peek at last week’s Shitbox of the Week results:
The XT6 wins, and let’s all be honest about why: this manual shifter:
What’s certainly good is that I’ve got some USDA-certified Grade A crap to show you, courtesy of the netizens of Opposite-Lock, that marvelous not-quite-always-off-topic car forum that rose like a magnificent phoenix from the ashes of the old Kinja blogs, and more recently served heroically as Carpathia to DriveTribe’s Titanic. I told Opponauts that I wasn’t going to have much time to shop for cars and asked them for help, and boy howdy did they come through! Thanks to one and all for the suggestions. I was spoiled for choice.
So let’s see what our crack team of advisors has found for us today:
1980 Chevrolet Citation – $1,000
Engine/drivetrain: 2.8 liter V6, 3 speed automatic, FWD
Location: Spokane, WA
Odometer reading: unknown
Runs/drives? Runs, but electric cooling fan is out, so won’t drive far
According to the seller, this car started out as an Avis rental car, and was used in print and television ads for Avis in 1979/80. I did a little digging to see if I could find the ad, but came up empty-handed. (Maybe I should “Try Harder.”). It’s common knowledge to never buy a used rental car, because you know how you drive rental cars and you assume everyone else does the same, but for a car that was last turned back in when Reagan was President, I don’t think that warning matters much anymore.
But for anyone who has ever been disappointed to be handed the keys to a Nissan Versa at the rental counter, just imagine being stuck with one of these beauties. The Citation was Chevy’s latest and greatest in 1980, and although it sold like hotcakes (more than 800,000 sold that first year) and met with critical acclaim (Motor Trend’s 1980 Car of the Year), it didn’t take long for the bloom to come off the rose, and for all those owners to realize the Citation was a gigantic piece of junk. Not only was the build quality and reliability subpar (which is really saying something for 1980 Detroit), but the front-wheel-drive chassis engineering was half-baked, and the car suffered from horrible torque-steer and rear wheel lockup under hard braking. Recall notices flew thick and fast into owners’ mailboxes, and sales tanked.
Really, this car has no business looking this good in this day and age. Most Citations looked tired and haggard by the late 1980s, and by 1995 or so, they had all but disappeared. This one must have been stashed away in a garage and forgotten for a couple of decades. I hate to think of anyone considering a Citation as a “classic,” but I guess there’s an ass for every seat, and if someone really wanted the nicest Citation left, this might well be in the running.
The odometer in this car probably still works, but it has a yellow flag over the first three numbers that says “CATALYST.” What little information I was able to find says that these flags popped up at a certain mileage to tell the owner that the catalytic converter should be replaced. I tried to find out at what mileage that might happen (50,000? Less?), but couldn’t get a straight answer. I did find instructions on how to reset it, but it involves disassembly of the dash, presumbaly to prevent owners from resetting it themselves and ignoring the converter maintenance. Also note the Federally-mandated 85 mph speedometer, with 55 clearly indicated. When we say “malaise era,” kids, this is what we mean.
[Editor’s Note: This 2.8-liter V6 was considered an absolute pile when under the hood of a Jeep Cherokee XJ, though Chevy folks seem to think it’s fine. I always find it interesting when one motor is great in one application but just doesn’t hold up in another. -DT]
2004 Pontiac Aztek – $1,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.4 liter V6, 4 speed automatic, FWD
Location: Rochester, MN
Odometer reading: 162,000 miles
Runs/drives? Yes, but transmission is going out
Twenty-four years is a long time. Kids whose parents hadn’t even met yet when the Citation rolled off the assembly line could have been old enough to receive this Pontiac Aztek as a college graduation gift. GM spent those two and a half decades learning how to make a proper front-wheel-drive family car. And also the Aztek.
What’s remarkable is how much of the old Citation’s basic architecture made it this far. The 3.4 liter V6 in this Aztek is the same engine family as the Citation’s 2.8 liter V6, stroked and bored, fuel-injected, and refined. The suspension is still McPherson struts in the front and a beam axle in the rear (at least on 2WD models like this one). The Aztek, and basically every other front-wheel-drive GM vehicle for decades, was an evolution of the old X-body Citation.
The Aztek’s styling is, of course, controversial. Personally, I have always liked it, particularly the earlier versions than this one with the gray plastic lower body cladding. But I also know I am nearly alone in that opinion. Again, there’s an ass for every seat.
Speaking of seats, this Aztek “has seen a lot of use” and “has stains on the floor and seats.” Best not dwell too much on the precise meaning there. It does still have all the “active lifestyle” goodies such as the detachable cooler:
and waterproof storage bins:
But I do wish the seller had cleaned them out a bit better before taking photos. I do not want to know what is in that black garbage bag. [Editor’s note: It’s dog shit].
The slipping transmission is of course a problem, though these have been known to limp along for a long while after they should have dropped dead. And it may be a whole lot rustier than it looks; remember that the bottom third of the bodywork is plastic, and we have no way of knowing what horrors lurk beneath.
This really is a choice of the lesser of two evils, I realize: a still-somehow-nice example of an absolute disaster from day one, or something decent but hideous and nearly used-up. But just imagine standing in front of these two cars with your worst enemy. You get first pick of the keys. Which set do you grab?
Chevy. It’s a pile of junk that somehow made it this far. It should be kept around and polished to show what a turd it was. Maybe drive, well, trailer it to business schools to show what happens when cost is prioritized above all else.
I would choose an egg crate mounted on roller skates before ever voting for an Asstek
I went with the Citation because the people I knew that had them were able to just run them into the ground.
They were not pretty, fast, or even comfortable. For an A to B car it will work.
I wonder if an X11s are out there still.
There is also the irony of naming the car “Citation” maybe not for speed. Littering as rust flows behind you, sure.
GM 2.8 V6 was super unreliable garbage. Terrible motor even by late 70’s/early 80’s standards. Surprised this car wasn’t turned into folding chairs.
Aztek. It, like the black bag, may be dog shit, but it’s more functional and newer than the Shitation.
Also, detail the interior and swap the transmission and you could flip that thing for decent money. #currentmartket
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kumPQqxpTD0
Yes! Shitation is what my Dad called his to the GM warranty guys back then in the before times. They were not amused. Then the brakes tried to kill him.
I opened this page expecting to vote for the Citation, but I found myself clicking the Aztek for the same reasons others did (it’s newer, parts are easier to get, so-ugly-it’s-beautiful, actually useful). I’d probably turn the Aztek into a Trans-Am Y88 tribute just for the h*ck of it. No shame to the Citation voters; you’d be the instant star of RADwood.
This choice made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.
Driving either would make me hate life.
I think I’d be more likely to be killed in the Citation, thus ending my misery, so I guess I’d get that one.
The Aztek is ugly, sure, but probably a whole world of better than a Citation. I was there when the Citation came out. Faced with competition from imports, GM came up with this Pile Of Sadness. Chrome plastic everywhere, the crappy kind that wears out quickly. It was like 70’s American cars were cheap model cars made full size. By the 80’s they said “let’s just keep doing that!” And with the half baked fuel injection carburetor setups good luck. I’d buy the Aztek if it was near me. By then the biggest problem with GM was the melting interiors.
This is a real “Sophie’s Choice” of shitboxes today. See, that was a movie based on a book from the late 70’s. Around the same time the Citation hit the new car lots…. I’ve never read the book or watched the movie but I know about it, just like I know about the Citation.
For that reason, I’m picking the Aztek. I’m sure I was going somewhere with my point but I lost interest since both of these are not what you would call “desirable”.
The Aztek is the one for me as long as it has no major rust or brown ooze along the bottom edge of the plastics. I’d have the neighborhood car detailer kids do a full disinfectant strike and clean up on it.
The weak automatic that’s a pain, but somehow fixable. I find the exterior styling on these so bad that they are somehow good in their ugliness. A committee designed, classic before its time for a future that never came.
I would drive this, people would point and I’d laugh at them, life would be good!
Oof, these are both not great choices, but the Aztek with the lousy transmission takes the vote from me without any thought at all. Citations were piles of crap forty years ago, and have NOT aged like fine wine. At least with the Aztek it’s a little weird, and a weekend with a junkyard transmission could turn it into a semi-reliable daily driver assuming that the intake gaskets are still in one piece.
You can live out your Walter White fantasies in the Aztek.
What tragic character drove a Citation? OK, other than everyone who bought an X-Car?
And you would be the envy of all the Breaking Bad fans when they meet up in 10 years. Of course you would have to tow it there.
This one is tough for me, but not because I hate both. In fact, I hate neither of these.
I had a friend who wanted an Aztek in the worst way when they were new and had me half convinced they cool. I have no firsthand experience with one exactly, but I’m sure it was fine in a boring people mover way, I have driven the first Gen equinox which is the same thing.
Then there is the Citation. My parents owned no fewer than five of these things. I learned to drive in them, took my driver’s test in my mom’s 85 X-11. I remember these things as amazing little cars. Those hatchbacks could carry way more stuff than you would think they could. They suck in that specific way that all 80s cars sucked. The headliner in my grandpa’s had to be thumbtacked up. The 3 speed transmission is lacking in today’s day and age. My parents 85s had considerably more modern instrument panel and dash than these early models.
Squeezing me for an answer, I’d probably take the Aztek. It’s a lot newer and likely to be the better overall car. But if that Citation happened to be an 85 X-11, I’d be dangerously close to check my bank account and start trip planning.
You earn my admiration for mentioning the X-11. The wheels alone were amazing, and (yeah people can make fun of me all they want here) the door decals.
To my malaise-era young self, these things seemed moderately cool. Right up there with the Chevy Cavalier Type 10!
I just had to look up the X-11 (I’m European), and holy shit, that thing is freakin awesome. The decals too. Just *chef’s kiss*.
Isn’t it great? Totally a product of that period here in ‘Murica…we still had the lingering memories of the supercar (now called musclecar) era, but everyone was getting excited about the possibilities of FWD and “Euro” design.
So you got cars like this that kinda delivered on neither, but damn they did try!
Australian here, and I had to find out what an X-11 looked like. It looks like the (GM sibling) Holden Torana!
https://barnfinds.com/wonder-from-down-under-1977-holden-torana-a9x/
I had the Hot Wheels X-11 as a kid, white with red interior (Mattel kind of committed themselves to that with the interior and taillights molded as a single piece of plastic) and red side stripes.
Are we talking about the 1980 model year X-11 decals or the ’81-85 style? The HW toy always had the early ones.
I didn’t even know there were multiple versions! This thread just keeps getting better.
The one I remember is the pretty damn big X-11 graphic on the lower front of the doors.
I always figured GM’s idea was “hey, if you squint, the whole thing like looks like an Audi Quattro, right? RIGHT?”
Yes to both counts! The X-11 wheels looked kind of like the wheels on an AMC Eagle, but not exactly.
The X-11 decals changed in different years. I don’t know if it was each year, but my parents X-11s were both ’85s, their decals looked like X-11 with two drop shadow copies behind it. I thought they were very cool. These cars are very hard to even find good pictures of on Google images anymore.
I’ll have to confess my ignorance of american cars in general, I had to look up the X-11. That thing is awesome! I voted Aztek but it was a hard choice between the two (the Citation looks awesome and has a bench seat – always a plus in my book). If this was an X-11 I’m not so sure I would’ve voted for the Aztek.
An Equinox is not the same thing, although it does have the boat anchor 3400. This is built on a shortened U body minivan platform. The Equinox is on the much newer Theta platform.
My mum had a base 5 door like this one and I always wished it was the x-11 so I considered the car cool by association. For nostalgia I went with the citation even if they were always hot piles of garbage.
I mean, unless you’re planning to cosplay as Walter White at the next company Halloween party, you kinda have to pick the Citation in this case.
I’m gonna have to disagree with you there.
The Citation was a steaming pile when it was built. Congratulations to this one for surviving this long, but I wouldn’t have trusted one 30 years ago when I was selling cars and they were relatively common. Carbage from day one and haven’t improved.
The Aztek, even with a slipping transmission, is far more desirable. Sure, they’re ugly, or at least funky looking. But they were at least mediocre from a “decent transportation” angle.
Funny, my experience with the Aztec, Rendezvous, and the related minivans led me to the Citation.
This is like choosing between electrocution and drowning. Getting hit by a Hummer or a box truck. How is one better? It really isn’t. The authors enjoy watching us squirm, kudos to them for picking a couple good ones. Lol
All I can think of is the day I was gassing up an Aztek Pontiac loaned me. A young couple nearby stared at it. The woman said “What is it?” and the man said “That’s the new Pontiac Anthrax.”
Only drove a Citation once and was hugely underwhelmed. So I have to go with “nuh-uh” on both.
It’s still less ugly than a Juke
All three (this, juke, Toyota ch-r) can burn, slowly.
Give me that Chevy. Louvers make it great, and the fact that you’ll never see another that good makes it worthwhile. It’s the Radwood era, cars like this are starting to become cool! There’s lots of Azteks out there, and you’ll still be able to find some good ones for a while.
Aztek. Use it to start a rooftop only pizza delivery service.
What a horrible decision to have to make. At least I don’t have to actually drive one of those. I guess I will go Citation because its slight more interesting.
I think I’m going to pick…. calling an Uber
Having friends who owned a Citation and hating the Aztek. Get the Aztek.
Extra point if you rattle can to make a homage to Breaking Bad.
Aztec for sheer usefulness and eventual “this was before it’s time” cool.
The Citation is a total pro/con thing for me. And I don’t mean the obvious ones.
As in, pro: the seat upholstery is just wonderful…why can’t we have more plaid? Con – if there was a way to design a dash that sucks every last bit of potential fun that a car might be, this was it.
“See if you can capture the spirit of the waiting room of a dentist office…”
“DONE!”
Here’s an inexplicable bugaboo of mine: When people say the Aztek was before its time.
Because it wasn’t.
It was near the beginning of the CUV trend but the product category was taking off. If it wasn’t quite so objectionable it would have been a huge hit – hell Buick sold as many Rendezvous as they could make and it was the same thing but slightly better looking (and the core buyer had slightly worse eyesight). People are always making excuses for it but if it launched exactly at the right time, they just screwed it up.
And I’d still pick the Aztek over the Citation.
That’s a great point about the timing of the Aztec. It’s as if GM actually managed to strike out in teeball, which now that I think about it perfectly describes a lot of GM’s business decisions through the 90’s…
This exactly. The Aztec could have been successful and started a niche, but it wasn’t and it didn’t. The Rav4/CR-V/Element/Escape came along and took off.
The Element fizzled out, but it was a far better product than the Aztec, and it’s unashamed ugliness didn’t hold it back. Instead of dumping them with huge sums of cash on the hood, or directing the dealer to move the vehicle to a loaner position so it can be marked as “sold”, Honda sold to everyone from their 20s to their 80s. I had one, a 2005 EX AWD 5MT.
The Citation is cool and comes in a cool color and even has a front bench seat and those slats on the back window!!!
But I had to choose the Aztek because of the cooler, and it’s newer and easier to get parts for
Louvers are fantastic.
I voted for the Citation because every time I try to print something as fact, I’m always being told “Citation needed.” Now I will have something to give them.
That should have been the Chevy’s strapline for the poll.
“Can you give me a citation?”
“Of course, I have the title right here.”
This is the only good reason to vote for the Citation.
“She’s giving me excitations…”
– Recently divorced.
Solely because its newer, and therefore should be easier to get parts for, the Aztek.
Gods above and below, I hate you guys for making me choose that vehicle.
This.
I’m going with the Aztek, because I really don’t car if people laugh at point at me.
I’m there with you, if I have to pick between these two, laugh all you want if I’m in an Aztek, but lord take me if I’m seen driving a Citation, THAT I would care about….