Greetings, future Autopians. I’m writing this from the past, last Friday, to be exact. So whatever the news was that you’re all talking about this morning hasn’t happened to me yet. I hope it’s something good.
Let’s first have a peek at last week’s Shitbox of the Week results:
The XT6 wins, and let’s all be honest about why: this manual shifter:
What’s certainly good is that I’ve got some USDA-certified Grade A crap to show you, courtesy of the netizens of Opposite-Lock, that marvelous not-quite-always-off-topic car forum that rose like a magnificent phoenix from the ashes of the old Kinja blogs, and more recently served heroically as Carpathia to DriveTribe’s Titanic. I told Opponauts that I wasn’t going to have much time to shop for cars and asked them for help, and boy howdy did they come through! Thanks to one and all for the suggestions. I was spoiled for choice.
So let’s see what our crack team of advisors has found for us today:
1980 Chevrolet Citation – $1,000
Engine/drivetrain: 2.8 liter V6, 3 speed automatic, FWD
Location: Spokane, WA
Odometer reading: unknown
Runs/drives? Runs, but electric cooling fan is out, so won’t drive far
According to the seller, this car started out as an Avis rental car, and was used in print and television ads for Avis in 1979/80. I did a little digging to see if I could find the ad, but came up empty-handed. (Maybe I should “Try Harder.”). It’s common knowledge to never buy a used rental car, because you know how you drive rental cars and you assume everyone else does the same, but for a car that was last turned back in when Reagan was President, I don’t think that warning matters much anymore.
But for anyone who has ever been disappointed to be handed the keys to a Nissan Versa at the rental counter, just imagine being stuck with one of these beauties. The Citation was Chevy’s latest and greatest in 1980, and although it sold like hotcakes (more than 800,000 sold that first year) and met with critical acclaim (Motor Trend’s 1980 Car of the Year), it didn’t take long for the bloom to come off the rose, and for all those owners to realize the Citation was a gigantic piece of junk. Not only was the build quality and reliability subpar (which is really saying something for 1980 Detroit), but the front-wheel-drive chassis engineering was half-baked, and the car suffered from horrible torque-steer and rear wheel lockup under hard braking. Recall notices flew thick and fast into owners’ mailboxes, and sales tanked.
Really, this car has no business looking this good in this day and age. Most Citations looked tired and haggard by the late 1980s, and by 1995 or so, they had all but disappeared. This one must have been stashed away in a garage and forgotten for a couple of decades. I hate to think of anyone considering a Citation as a “classic,” but I guess there’s an ass for every seat, and if someone really wanted the nicest Citation left, this might well be in the running.
The odometer in this car probably still works, but it has a yellow flag over the first three numbers that says “CATALYST.” What little information I was able to find says that these flags popped up at a certain mileage to tell the owner that the catalytic converter should be replaced. I tried to find out at what mileage that might happen (50,000? Less?), but couldn’t get a straight answer. I did find instructions on how to reset it, but it involves disassembly of the dash, presumbaly to prevent owners from resetting it themselves and ignoring the converter maintenance. Also note the Federally-mandated 85 mph speedometer, with 55 clearly indicated. When we say “malaise era,” kids, this is what we mean.
[Editor’s Note: This 2.8-liter V6 was considered an absolute pile when under the hood of a Jeep Cherokee XJ, though Chevy folks seem to think it’s fine. I always find it interesting when one motor is great in one application but just doesn’t hold up in another. -DT]
2004 Pontiac Aztek – $1,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.4 liter V6, 4 speed automatic, FWD
Location: Rochester, MN
Odometer reading: 162,000 miles
Runs/drives? Yes, but transmission is going out
Twenty-four years is a long time. Kids whose parents hadn’t even met yet when the Citation rolled off the assembly line could have been old enough to receive this Pontiac Aztek as a college graduation gift. GM spent those two and a half decades learning how to make a proper front-wheel-drive family car. And also the Aztek.
What’s remarkable is how much of the old Citation’s basic architecture made it this far. The 3.4 liter V6 in this Aztek is the same engine family as the Citation’s 2.8 liter V6, stroked and bored, fuel-injected, and refined. The suspension is still McPherson struts in the front and a beam axle in the rear (at least on 2WD models like this one). The Aztek, and basically every other front-wheel-drive GM vehicle for decades, was an evolution of the old X-body Citation.
The Aztek’s styling is, of course, controversial. Personally, I have always liked it, particularly the earlier versions than this one with the gray plastic lower body cladding. But I also know I am nearly alone in that opinion. Again, there’s an ass for every seat.
Speaking of seats, this Aztek “has seen a lot of use” and “has stains on the floor and seats.” Best not dwell too much on the precise meaning there. It does still have all the “active lifestyle” goodies such as the detachable cooler:
and waterproof storage bins:
But I do wish the seller had cleaned them out a bit better before taking photos. I do not want to know what is in that black garbage bag. [Editor’s note: It’s dog shit].
The slipping transmission is of course a problem, though these have been known to limp along for a long while after they should have dropped dead. And it may be a whole lot rustier than it looks; remember that the bottom third of the bodywork is plastic, and we have no way of knowing what horrors lurk beneath.
This really is a choice of the lesser of two evils, I realize: a still-somehow-nice example of an absolute disaster from day one, or something decent but hideous and nearly used-up. But just imagine standing in front of these two cars with your worst enemy. You get first pick of the keys. Which set do you grab?
This is one of the few times an Aztek is preferable. They were unmitigated shite in 1980 and did not improve with age. The Aztek was flawed bot original and apart from dire grey switchgear is an appliance grade car with some cachet as either a Radwood era memory, or a famous TV car. The Citation was lame ad campaigns and engines falling out when the subframe mounts rusted
Yeah this one today is like walking into a public restroom, and finding 2 toilets. Each filled with some turds from some ass wipe who is too good to flush. Since we are not allowed a “neither” vote, cause “rules”, screw it. Flush both these turds. Twice.
This one really did hurt. I don’t automatically hate the Aztek because of its looks. It’s weird and, okay, kinda ugly, but it always struck me as something that probably made sense, like, decisions were not made in a vacuum but rather for a reason, even if that reason wasn’t clear to me. But there’s truly nothing to like about this one. Transmission issues, the color, the condition, the cleanliness… it’s really just a turd. But it’s certainly better than the Citation. That thing is even turdlier. Why would anyone like that color? My 2nd car was a ’77 Accord hatchback in a bronze similar to that, but at least it was otherwise a great car. That Citation’s dash somehow makes an awful car far awfuler. I don’t understand any of you Radwood guys even when you’re talking about arguably attractive heaps, but I feel like this Chevy is so well preserved because someone parked it in a remote corner of a corporate parking structure in 1982 and walked away forever, preferring to believe that they’d never bought such a thing. The Aztek is far superior, and yet still feels like a tragic loss.
I think I’ll just take the bus from now on.
No contest. My parents had a bright yellow 81 Citation. They sold it around 1987 and got a call from the poor guy about 2 weeks later. It had burned up on the side of the road.
I was shocked this winter when visiting Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, to see a gold (well, about 30% gold and 70% surface rust color) Citation, parked and running, in the Houghton Wal-mart parking lot. Houghton gets about 201 inches of snow a year on average, and yet this thing was still running and, while crazy rusty, still driving around in the snowbelt.
Take the Aztec… they are fairly reliable and you can at least sell that cooler to get some of your investment back.
We don’t really use salt much that far north. It’s too cold for salt to effectively work so they just sprinkle ground up mine tailings on everything to give traction up there in the Keweenaw. That’s the reddish hue dirt that blankets everything after the snow melts and provides for the existence of “snirt” (snowy dirt) before it all melts off. No salt means that cars live a lot longer than you would expect and Yoopers can drive literally ANYTHING in snow.
Thank you for that lesson on Yooper terminology.
That is true about the salt. I was up right after Winter Carnival and we got about 2 feet of drifting snow. I got around just fine in my truck, but that would have shut down Metro Detroit for a while. I wish they would find an alternative to the salt around here. The sand/dirt mix in the UP is much more effective than salt.
It was still impressive to see a Citation driving around in the winter though. I hadn’t seen one in years.
That makes sense of something I noticed. I have seen some incredibly clean cars for sale up that way. I mean 1970s stuff that look like they could’ve spent their lives in The Place Where Cars Don’t Deteriorate, often abbreviated “PNW”.
I remembered thinking, there’s no way a 1979 Mercury Zephyr lived in Michigan it’s whole life and has no rust. In Everett, WA? Yeah. Because my ’78 Z-7 had none. I love time warp cars man. Just drive them sometimes so they don’t get too stale mechanically.
I’m lucky my current relic (’74 Chevy pickup) is as rust-free as it is for being unrestored.
I think I just caught mono from the pictures of that Citation… In light of that, I’ve gotta go with (I can’t believe I’m saying this) the Aztec.
Wasn’t the Aztek the car that Bob Lutz was referring to when he said that GM design was like “a family of angry kitchen appliances”?
I voted Aztek because I’ve ridden in both and preferred it over a Citation.
Seeing the brown 1980 Citation gave me disturbing flashbacks. I was a Mormon missionary on the central California coast in 1980. In some of our areas we were provided (for a monthly fee!) a church-owned car instead of the usual ubiquitous bike because of the size of a particular area. I was assigned to Santa Maria for a few months and that area came with a brown 1980 Citation 2-door coupé (not the hatchback but the one with a trunk). It had the Iron Duke 4 cylinder engine, a 3 speed automatic, no A/C and no radio but it did, strangely enough, have power steering. The other cars in different parts of the mission were either Ford Fairmonts or Chevy Malibus. Compared to those the Citation was like a sports car and actually seemed fun to drive. I’m sure it self destructed soon after I left Santa Maria in much the same way I self destructed from the Mormon religion soon after I returned home from my 2 year sentence.
I have to go with Montezuma’s revenge here. The Citation is a pile of junk that should have been completely recalled, as in GM buying them back and crushing them all for the good of humanity. If you can get even 6 months out of the Aztek before the transmission fails you’ll come out on top in the current used market.
Just because it is newer and so should have better safety features as well as parts availability, I’d take the Aztek.
Let’s see…
An incredibly poorly designed and built malaise era car that might run, or potentially the ugliest thing GM ever built that might shift between it’s few gears, or might not.
I’ll go with the Aztec because I have a chance of reaching my destination. I’m sure the cladding is hiding a lot of MN rust, but it could be cleaned up and driven until the trans totally craps out.
I think the proper answer to choosing between these two is ‘I’d rather chew off my own penis ‘
Neither. GM’s lowest ebb before they sank lower still. And my Dad was a Chevy man and for that I still root and cheer for GM. I voted AZTEC since ‘neither’ was an option due to its quirky features and legendary campy styling and as a package deserves a more moderate level of disgust. This is the GM that while Ford electrifies the F150 right out of the ballpark resurrects the toxic name ‘HUMMER’ as the newest Land Yacht at 9000+ lbs curb weight…
This is why neither should be an option. We can still play the game and have a “no” choice.
I may not like the Aztek, I may think it’s a bad minivan with a worse body plopped on top, I may get perpetually annoyed by its defenders, that one may look like it smells like a million farts, it may light up like the world’s worst rave if you’d shine a light on it, the bag might be full of dogshit or meth or any other unspeakably gross things…
…but it’ll probably arrive at your destination, and you can never be sure of that with a Citation.
Blarg, blacklight! Not just light.
We had Citations for driver’s ed. Take the Aztek.
Aztek gets my vote only so we can find out what’s in the bag.
I would pick the Citation based solely on the incredible beefy tires on it. Worst case scenario, junk it and sell the tires for $200 plus whatever the scrapyard would give me.
I don’t think anyone will give you $200 for a set of used light farm equipment tires. Those probably cost less than that when they were new.
The citation is has plaid upholstery, rear hatch louvers, and is a lovely brown. I might even be able to convince myself it’s a scirocco if I squint.
The Aztec likely smells worse than the interior looks. But I need a cooler.
The Aztec.
Anyone choosing the Citation will be forced to drive one. For the next 10 years. And nothing else.
Yes, you can run it into the ground. The ground is about 50,000 miles if you’re lucky. It’s so clean because it can’t go more than 5,000 miles without multiple major failures. They eat more tires than a 911 GT3 demonstrating donut mode. The transmission offers two modes: slipping and parking. And that was on the ‘improved’ later ones, the ‘Citation II.’ This is a first year Citation.
The name is what you’ll be getting a lot of, mostly for littering as major components fall off the car. Like the door.
Mine went about 80k before it became too burdensome. Still way too low, of course. The only saving grace was that the car was pretty light and paired to a V6.
I went with the Citation. I’ve never seen one so i don’t know what they’re like. I know I don’t like Aztecs though.
Today’s choices constitute cruel, unusual punishment.
Having lost all hope, I’d go for the Aztek. At least you can disguise as Walter White and blow some meth heads away.
I wouldn’t touch the slipping transmission Aztec. The citation gets the vote by default. Worst case scenario is wiring up a junkyard fan to a toggle switch to fix that problem. Beats the hell out of a transmission R&R on that hideous U body pile of fuck.
Being newer does not mean more reliable. The electronics in those things will make you pull every hair you have out. Working on the 3400 in that engine bay will have you committed to an institution before you’re done.
As bad as the citation is, it’s probably easier to keep going at this point. No security lock. It really is the lesser evil here.
*”No security lock.” Was intended for the 2nd paragraph and I should have elaborated on it. I’ve seen these lock down due to electronic glitches, go into security mode, do all kinds of crazy things. Its not uncommon to see the dash looking a Christmas tree. They scare the hell outta me. I worked at a GM dealer in the early 2000s and I remember these. They might have eventually worked out the bugs, but I doubt it. The same problems plagued both generations of the 2000s FWD minivans. Bizarre shit.
Agreed, that looming transmission repair puts the already-$500-more Aztek into the ballpark of much better cars. If the Citation’s 3-speed THMwhatever dies it’s manual-swap time on the road to building the 5-door X-11 Chevy never made but should’ve.
I thought about mentioning how much easier it is to modify the Citation. Even being FWD, it’s pretty rudimentary in its systems and you have the bounty that is GM’s 80s parts bin.
I’ve always imagined a 3800 s/c in something like a Pontiac 6000. I bet you could do it in this. I drove a 3800 (naturally aspirated) A body (80s Century T-Type), it was fucking quick.
I’m from Yurp, so these are both über-exotic unicorns to me. I love them both. I’ll begrudgingly go with the Aztek because it just seems like the least impractical choice, but there’s so much I love about the Citation as well. That colour is wonderful, and it’s kinda hard for me to not pick the option with the bench seat. But alas, I voted for the Heisenbergmobile.
Two things. 1. if you like the Corvette C6 you have to like the Aztek, same designer Tom Peters. You have to start somewhere. 2nd I like the Aztek for Camping especially with the cooler
There’s plenty of car designers who had some greats and some not-so-greats.
Tom McCarthy wrote and directed Spotlight, which won the Academy Award for Best Picture, got him a a Best Original Screenplay Oscar and a Best Director nomination.
This does not mean I have to like The Cobbler, which he also directed and was, in fact, one of the worst movies I have ever seen.
Just because someone has done something good does not mean they are incapable of doing something bad.
As I recall, the reviews keyed on the ugliness but grudgingly had to admit that it was actually a solid, useful SUV.
[Editor’s note: It’s dog shit].
*looks at Aztec*
*whispers* (I think he’s talking about you)
I voted, but I’m not proud of it and I refuse to divulge my choice.
As an aside, look at the radio placement on that Chevy dash! Imagine trying to find your station while driving down the road. I was 4 when that car was new and our neighbor had one. It was always in our garage for Dad to fix. There was also a Fiat X1/9 that one of his friends owned, and a family member had an AMC Eagle. I learned so many curse words from those 3 cars!
I threw a CD player under dash in mine and had to do some cutting and wiring to add speakers. I tried also wiring into the AM radio speakers and blew them out immediately. That vertical AM radio was garbage for more reasons than placement, but it was really frustrating because of that placement.
The louvers make the citation a no-brainer. What clearer signifier of “cool 80s car” could there be, even if it’s actually a steaming pile. Also, plaid upholstery.