You know what I’ve never done? I’ve never written an op-ed for CNN about how I think people who appreciate wine are a pack of pretentious numbnuts who think they can taste leather and oak and plums in something made exclusively out of grapes. I’ve never done that because, while I am fully capable of drinking wine, both the maroon kind of wine they call “red” and the golden kind they call “white” I don’t really give a shit about wine, and I don’t know jack shit about wine, and as a result, have no business at all telling my opinions about wine to anyone. CNN should definitely not hire me to write a wine op-ed because it would be terrible. I also think this same logic should have been applied to Paul Hockenos, whom CNN paid (presumably; this could be part of some charity work for all I know) to write an op-ed bitching about cars with manual transmissions, and manuals’ decline, which Hockenos is happy about. But the problem is that it does not seem like Hockenos really ever understood the appeal of driving stick, nor does he seem to care about manual transmissions, at least beyond the fact that they annoy him, somehow. Which is probably why his op-ed, charitably, sucks, and, even worse, is strangely and needlessly sexist.
I don’t really know anything about Paul Hockenos, other than he does know how to drive stick, which isn’t surprising since he’s based in Berlin, where manual transmission cars have been much more common than here in America. But as soon as he starts to talk about driving manual transmissions, things start to go wrong, fast. This is from the very beginning of the op-ed:
“For old-school connoisseurs of the automobile — usually men — driving means operating a beloved vehicle by touch, with three pedals underfoot and a shift stick at hand.
In Europe, this clientele is responsible for a good deal of the moaning about manual transmission’s demise. And perhaps nowhere is it louder than in Germany, the home of Porsche, BMW, Volkswagen and Mercedes Benz.
Take for example the German automotive writer for the Swiss newspaper Neue Zürcher Zeitung who waxed melancholy in a heartfelt “homage to the good old days of the clutch and gear stick.”
“What could be a greater pleasure… than tooling along winding roads in a sports car at high speeds? Accelerate, downshift before the bend, turn in, roll, upshift again, and ‘fly away,’” he wrote.
He affectionately describes the stick shift’s smooth knob nestled in his palm. (Sigmund Freud would have had no trouble deducing the grounds for this allure.)
Okay, two big things are worth pointing out here: the “usually men” part is the first. There’s no citation for this and while sure, maybe you can find surveys or studies or confident ex-recto guesses from experts that more men drive stick, who gives a shit? Plenty of women drive stick, and enjoy driving stick, and it’s frankly just stupid to try to cast the enjoyment of a manual transmission as anything related to gender. I’m not having it. It goes against everything we believe here at the Autopian, which is that cars and their enjoyment are for everyone, and I’m pretty sure penises are not required for the shifting process, and if you find you are using yours for that, well, I wish you well on your sexual journey, but it’s not really part of driving.
Speaking of penises, I was also deeply disappointed to see that incredibly tired, century-old Freud reference there. I mean, come on already: How long do we have to endure that lame-ass joke that stopped being funny around the Great Depression? Yes, automobile shifters, much like salamis or rocket ships or some fire hydrants or a variety of squashes or any number of other things roughly tube-shaped sort of resemble penises. I get it. Everyone gets it. Children get it. I bet most dogs get it.
I also get that when you feel the shift knob in your hand it doesn’t mean you’re imagining it’s your dick, if you have a dick. Or even if you don’t. If you want to touch a dick and have one, I can’t think of a more achievable dream. I managed it at least twice today before lunch.
The point is, the whole Freudian thing about stick shifts and dicks is stupid and tired and lazy, and it’s decades past its retirement age. Grow up, Paul.
So, what’s the point of this op-ed? It’s not really clear. Hockenos seems put out that there are still groups of people in Europe and America that genuinely seem to enjoy shifting their own gears, and he likens this predilection to the famous book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, but only does so in the most superficial and dismissive way, with no effort taken to dig into any reasons why someone might appreciate understanding and appreciating how the machines in their lives work. Instead, we get this:
“It’s not just that I cringe at the grating screech of a botched downshift, that high-pitched sequel [sic] worse than fingernails across a chalkboard. The sound upbraids and shames me for having wronged the drivetrain. But this obviously never happens to alpha men, the kind who love their engines and coax them to purr.”
The fuck are you talking about, Paul? Okay, you missed a downshift, big deal, it happens to everyone. There’s no reason to go into a shame spiral here. If so, though, the shame you’re feeling is on you, and this whole “alpha men” thing – what? Loving one’s engine and “coaxing them to purr” has precisely one metric fuck-all to do with any “alpha male” bullshit. Again, driving stick has nothing to do with gender – it’s about how it feels and the fact that it’s just fun to be able to have that level of control of your car, and people who really enjoy driving very often – though even then not always – like the experience of shifting their own gears.
[Mercedes’ Note: I have to agree with Torch, here. At the bare minimum, Paul is ignorant. At worst, he’s no better than the men he wants to admonish. There are a whole lot of women, non-binary folks, and everyone in between who like cars and yes, also prefer their cars with manual transmissions. I’m pretty sure those enthusiasts aren’t trying to be “alpha men.” Yes, men are the most visible in the car world, but that doesn’t mean women don’t exist! I’ll take a stick any day of the week, sorry, Paul.
Stop trying to gender the joy of driving or turn it into some toxic thing only meant for people who hate the world. The truth is that anyone can love cars and they very much do. -MS]
That’s it.
This whole thing is as free of a point as a basketball, or perhaps a coconut. Hockenos attempts to steer the narrative to point out that in modern cars, automatics are actually faster and more efficient than manuals, and yes, that’s true. In fact, it’s been true for a couple of decades now, and the reasons Hockenos gives are generally right: modern automatics have more gear ratios than manuals – 10-speed automatics are common – and the computers that manage the shifting tend to do it better and faster than a human can. But don’t feel bad; that’s the transmission computer’s only job! You, on the other hand, have all kinds of other things to do beyond shifting gears, and you’re more fun to grab a drink with.
There are also CVT transmissions that have effectively infinite gears, and while those often feel like crap, they’re extremely efficient. That’s all true, but also has nothing to do with why people want to shift their own gears. I mean, maybe back in 1979 efficiency was a big reason, but now? Now it’s because people want to.
Remember, cars aren’t rational things, and they never will be, and wanting to shift your own gears isn’t rational, but who cares? If cars were rational there would be only a few basic models and everything would have interchangeable parts and they’d really be appliances and it would be an entirely different industry from what actually exists right here in our reality. I mean, think about the car industry; do you really need a car with 700 horsepower? Of course not, but there are many you can pick from with that much power. Do you need turn indicators that move like the signs on the Vegas strip? No, but they’re fun! Do you really need a car with massaging seats or a removable roof or one that can corner like a panther on speed? No, but all of those things are thankfully available to anyone with the money or a willingness to take a terrible loan.
Whatshisname knows this, I think, and I think knows that his arguments about how much more efficient modern automatics are don’t really make a case for the demise of manuals, because the percentage of manual cars being sold is so tiny as it is. As he says in the op-ed:
These are among the reasons why it’s ever harder to buy a new manual-transmission model of any kind in many countries. In the US, less than 1% of new models have stick shifts (compared to 35% in 1980), according to the Environmental Protection Agency. It’s really only sports cars, off-road truck SUVs and a handful of small pickups that still have clutches.
Less than 1%! That’s nothing! People who still choose to drive a manual car are not causing any real environmental harm because the numbers are so low. It’s just not a factor, and certainly not a reason to advocate for the wholesale elimination of manual transmissions.
I mean, I’m not even sure that’s his goal here. I have no idea what the goal is. He later champions EVs as a sort of savior for, I guess, environmental issues with all combustion cars, manual or otherwise, which further shows he just simply does not understand why people drive manual transmissions. This is made clear in the final lines of this inane piece:
But for those aficionados who really can’t go without a clutch and gear shifter, Toyota is planning a realistic-feeling fake manual transmission for some EV models.
It serves no purpose whatsoever — save to comfort bruised egos.
Egos? Bruised or otherwise, what do egos have to do with wanting to shift your own gears? There’s some kind of unpleasant insecurity going on here, or something. Did someone shitty tease Paul about not driving stick well at some point? If so, I’m sorry, but that is not why people want to drive a stick shift. It’s just something I and many others enjoy, and for fuck’s sake, why is this guy even writing about it at all?
He doesn’t want to drive stick — fantastic, pretty much every car out there now is available with an automatic. Absolutely no one is forcing him to drive stick. His screed against manual transmissions feels like someone looking up a band they don’t like, driving a couple hours to the venue where they’re playing, then setting up a table and handing out pamphlets stating that they don’t like the band. It’s fine not to like the band. It’s fine to tell people you don’t like them. But, at some point, when you’re going through all this effort to let people know you don’t like something, for reasons that really only apply to you, it gets weird.
This is all just a protracted effort to yuck other people’s yum, a cardinal sin around here, and an absolutely useless endeavor. No one cares that you don’t like driving stick, Paul. No one understands why you’ve somehow conflated it with this idiotic idea of masculinity in your head, and no one really thinks the tiny number of people driving manuals is causing environmental collapses.
No one is making you drive a stick-shift car. You can relax. And maybe next time you decide you don’t like something you have nothing to do with, don’t know much about, and about which you have nothing substantive to add, maybe consider not writing a time-wasting article about it for CNN?
That’s exactly what I’m doing with my wine article! See, I’m actively not writing it right now, as we speak! Because, like you and driving stick, I have nothing of value to add. And I might say something really stupid, like how wine is just for Alpha Females, and that would be deeply embarrassing.
Top photo: Paul-Hockenos.com (modified)
Daily Driving A Manual In Traffic Isn’t That Big Of A Deal, Relax
Survey Shows More Than 90% Of UK Teens Will Get A Car With A Stick, Are Cooler Than American Teens
Here’s Exactly When Automatic Transmissions Became More Efficient Than Manuals
When Did We Get So Weird About Tall Shifters?
The ‘Quantum Leap’ Reboot Has The Worst Fake Manual Shifter Ever Seen On TV
You know one thing you can not do in a newer automatic endowed vehicle (my experience with a Honda CRV). Stuck in the snow, you can’t rock it effectively between forward and reverse because of the delay lock-out before it engages. Yeah spin your tires forward. Then shift to reverse (wait for 2-3 seconds to engage). By that time you’ve lost all momentum. Get out the shovel and dig.
LOL this fucking Paul HACkenos didn’t know who Torch was when he woke up today. I bet he does by the time he goes to sleep.
Get ’em!
Well said Torch, well said.
The only thing you can accurately assume of a manual driver is they are more engaged in the activity of driving. Automatics no doubt can shift faster, but not always when you want them to, and do not enjoy doing so. They stopped making manuals with as tall or taller top gear than their automatic variant is the only reason they get better mpg.
He probably wrote the article because he isn’t capable of driving stick well.
Just like my theory that Elon can’t learn how to drive anything well, so he pushes Autopilot/FSD.
Triple clickbait
Ha, my exact thought. He’s bad at it, so by extension it’s a bad thing that bad people enjoy.
Who hurt you Hockenos? I’ll teach you, judgement free, how to drive a manual.
The line between having an opinion and being an ass is fairly easy to see in articles like this.
Person 1: I don’t like a thing and I won’t partake of it.
This is fine.
Person 2: I also don’t like that thing, it shouldn’t exist.
This is the position of an ass.
The writer clearly falls in person 2 category. But hey, via you, CNN got me to click on the article, so probably a win for them.
you’re right. Apart from touchscreens in cars. I don’t like that thing, it shouldn’t exist.
Two things I’d like to point out to this guy:
Right. Why play an actual piano with strings and all that when a keyboard never goes out of tune—and is way easier to cart around?
Why play an instrument at all when you can put in a CD and let a boombox do the work more efficiently AND correct every time! lol.
Why have sex with your wife when you can hook up the automatic replacement you to do it for you?
Besides she’s at the neighbor’s
Preach.
(I avoid the heel scenario, but I’ve seen it done and y’know what? Impressed.)
The Torch
The Torch
The Torch is on fire
We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn
So glad you called this out, I saw it today was very annoyed. Driving a stick is about enjoying the experience. I have no interest in artisan lip balm, but don’t begrudge Paul his share. He even fails his own pedantic standard. Every one knows that if your going to reference projection in these modern times you go with Jung. Freud is so passé.
“…CVT transmissions [are] extremely efficient.”
Mine aren’t, but that may be because mine range in age from 1975 to 1981. The “often feel like crap” part still has some validity, though.
Mopeds?
Four cars and a motorcycle (legally speaking, at least): a 1975 and 1976 Volvo 66 GL, a 1978 and 1980 KV Mini 1, and a 1981 HMV Freeway.
My moped, a 1981 American Microcar Tri-Ped, doesn’t have one.
holy shit! A KV Mini 1? A Freeway? Incredible. could we feature those in a video someday?
Probably? I imagine so. They’re in Seattle, for what that’s worth. The ’80 KV is this one and the ’78 is its parts car:
https://clunkbucket.com/victoire-de-citrons/
Anyone pushing a CVT on me, instantly gets put on the “never do anything they suggest” list.
Oh, believe me, nobody should take my automotive advice about anything, ever.
I probably didn’t need to specify “automotive.”
Guy from CNN writes clickbait article, Autopian falls for it hook, line, and sinker.
Guy from Autopian writes clickbait article debunking previous clickbait article, I fall for it hook, line, and sinker.
Time is a flat circle.
Paul’s Obituary for the Future: The long overdue death of the man who wrote the worst story ever published on CNN.
Like many it popped in my feed this morning, I passed many times before couldn’t resist seeing what the BS article was about. Was like WTF, why would CNN publish this, OMG this guy has some issues and probably should be in a nut house.
Whoa buddy, that’s some wild overcompensating for that missed downshift that made the guy in the other car smirk.
The reason is in the article and you even quote it! Manual drivers are members of the elite 1% club and with it being such a selective club, we deserve our punishment.
Eat the knobjockeys.
Throwing this fucknugget of an op-ed in front of the Autopian commentariat is like throwing a steak to fasting hyenas. I’m trying to can, but I can’t even. Though I will toss this extra morsel quote:
“The explanation: automatics select the right gear for the vehicle, usually the highest gear possible. The average manual driver is not always so proficient.”
Last I checked, ATs at cruise search for the LOWEST gear possible, to keep revs down.
Eh… the lower the gear, the higher the revs for a given speed (assuming the wheels aren’t slipping). Going 50MPH in 4th gear will have higher RPM than going 50MPH in 5th gear.
You downshift to pass as the power and torque band peaks are usually higher in RPM; as such, downshifting gets you higher RPM’s but also more acceleration at a given speed.
Dammit, this is what happens when you haven’t driven a manual for 5 years! Low gear ≠ low rpm.
Honestly sounds like dude’s self conscious that he doesn’t like driving stick and is lashing out…maybe some freudian therapy to sort out his feelings of inadequacy?
I’d weigh in but I’m off the clock
This kind of seems like “bad day for other reasons” issue. My wife used to run into this at her current job. She would encounter someone being a self-important ass-wipe and she would take it personally. I pointed out that it likely had nothing to do with her, and the other person was probably just dealing with some life issues.
I’m guessing that’s what happened here with John. Perhaps his little blue pill trick didn’t work last night, or he ran out of that special hand lotion, or maybe his dick fell off. Whatever it was it clearly influenced what spurted out of mind onto the digital page over at CNN.
It’s okay John, the manuals aren’t really evil. They can’t hurt you. Have a nice cry, and maybe take a shit in your hand. Just make sure it’s the one you used to shift gears with.
Who’s john?
Ha! Opps – not sure how I was thinking “Paul” and wrote “John”, but it looks like that’s what happened.
Nobody ever thinks about Ringo 🙁
Wow, I’m an Alpha male now since I haven’t missed a shift lately!
I missed one the other day with my kid in the car who is learning to drive. Does that put him in charge???
And I’m not an alpha male, cause I missed multiple shifts today! In my defense, it is really easy to miss a shift in an unsycronized transmission, and with 13 gears, I have plenty of opportunities to mess up.
As soon as I read this guy’s hack job of an article, he knew it would launch a thousand rebuttals. It was general environmental advocacy thinly disguised as an opinion piece on EV superiority amid the demise of the manual tranny with emphasis on trolling a particular subset of ICE enthusiasts. Advocates like him are on a mission to shame his fellow Euro ICE holdouts into capitulation in the form of smallest and cheapest EV city cars possible which given current EV sales trends in Europe will likely be Chinese-branded.
man’s putting on a whole red flag convention just in that opener about dongs and/or manuals
My guess is he’s not good at using either of them…
He’s just upset that he’s never came while executing that perfect shift, which my doctor says is a PERFECTLY NORMAL THING for men and women. Poor bastard.
First off, Jason, I’m glad you wrote this. I read Paul’s article during my morning shit and thought about pinging you guys to get your take. But then I got to work and had to do boring shit. So I’m glad you guys/gals are on the same page and responded appropriately.
Secondly, regarding your comment that “I’m pretty sure penises are not required for the shifting process.” From some things I’ve seen on the internet, vaginas appear to be more useful for shifting than penises. I will not, however, provide any links. Those of you of appropriate age can do your own search.
Thanks. Now I’m traumatized.
You are most welcome!
I read the article earlier and it reeked of someone who needed to write SOMETHING, but didn’t have an idea. He probably heard someone lamenting the demise of the manual and decided he could write an article countering that.
He couldn’t stay focused and decided to pivot to talking about EVs. He had like two reasonable points: modern automatics are indeed better at efficiently shifting and EVs aren’t emitting exhaust gasses. But he failed to connect either of those points to anything else in the article, including each other.
This was a man with a deadline who knew something like this would get enough rage clicks and curiosity clicks to justify his continued employment.
I read this Op Ed for some stupid ass reason (probably because I was trying to avoid work) and it was one of the worst things I’ve read in months…maybe even years. I’m not a manual diehard personally and sometimes I think the manual worship goes a little far and gets a little culty.
…but who the fuck cares? Let people enjoy things. Someone next to you in traffic driving stick affects you 0. How much of a dickhead are you that you experience joy thinking about someone else’s interest dying out? Tell me you know nothing about cars without telling me you know nothing about cars.
And the snooty limousine liberal energy is the icing on the cake. There IS something better. It’s called EVs. You can buy them now if you want to stop being a TOXICALLY MASCULINE DIPSHIT WHO WANTS TO RUIN EVERYTHING!!!
Fucking A. My aunt taught me how to drive stick lol, and in the one of the least threatening/MACHO cars known to mankind, a Miata. This blowhard can shove it. I’d bet $1,000 that he drives a Tesla. You just KNOW he does…
Nsane, I sure hope we get to meet someday. Most days I don’t even reply because when I see what you’ve written, I don’t just see in the mirror, I see through the mirror, to my ego reflection.
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me in a minute, thanks bud. I’ve been advocating for a DC area meetup for a while now! Maybe one day it’ll happen.
You mean through the MembraNe?