It’s time once again for Shitbox Showdown! (I feel like we need some catchy theme music here. I’ll work on that). Today, the internet classified gods have smiled upon us, granting us a perfect matchup — two old-school body-on-frame police cars, one Ford, and one Chevrolet. Both are well under $1000, and both are — like so many of their former backseat passengers — thoroughly busted.
But first, a quick programming note: I’m writing these the evening before, since I’m on the west coast and I don’t feel like getting up at 4 AM, even for this sweet gig. So I’m placing a cutoff time for votes at around 6 PM Pacific time, when I get home from my day job and start writing. What this means is, vote early… and vote often.
Right, so with that, let’s take a look at yesterday’s results:
Oof. Bad start for Chrysler. Two losses in a row. Lots of commenters rose to the PT Cruiser’s defense, but it was the yellow Buick’s pitted-chrome snout that crossed the finish line first, even with a bad tranny.
Let’s meet today’s contestants:
Walking With A Panther – 2009 Ford Crown Victoria – $800
No vehicle’s headlight pattern is more feared than that of the Ford Crown Victoria. See one of these in your mirror, and you instinctively let off the gas. Never mind the fact that the “Panther” platform on which it’s built has been out of production for ten years and there aren’t many left in police service. This car has been the de-facto automotive face of law enforcement since the late Renaissance (seriously, the Medicis had a fleet of Crown Vics to patrol Florence), and it’s going to take a generation or so to get that knee-jerk reaction to them out of the collective unconscious.
This particular Vic is one of the later models, which got such niceties as rack-and-pinion steering and some extra safety doodads. Since it’s the P71 “Police Interceptor” model, it also has a list of heavy-duty upgrades that would do Elwood Blues proud: extra cooling, bigger alternator, stiffer suspension, and a lower rear axle ratio. (These cars have a huge following, and I’m sure any number of enthusiasts can fill in the specifics, but suffice to say, it’s strong and good.)
But not all is well: According to the seller, this car has no compression on one cylinder, turning the 4.6 liter V8 into effectively a V7. No bueno. A gremlin of unknown malignancy has also taken up residence in the dash, and the cruiser needs a new windshield. But the seller says it runs, and hey, it only has to make it as far as the Cook County Assessor’s Office, right?
[Editor’s note: After nine hours of brain-wracking, I’m being told that Mark was apparently making an extremely random reference to the Blues Brothers (see below). Did anyone else get that? Have I been living under a rock?]
Shamu The Killer Whale – 1993 Chevrolet Caprice – $500
I don’t remember from whom I first heard the nickname “Shamu” for these cars, but it was not long after the redesigned 1991 B-body appeared. If you’ve ever seen one in black-and-white police livery, you’ll know how apt the name really is. This car isn’t really all that much bigger than its boxy predecessor, but it looks enormous.
As with the Ford, this car has a special equipment package for police work: Special Equipment Options code 9C1 in GM-speak. This is a whole host of heavy-duty goodies that make this car a bit stiffer and stronger than Grandma’s church cruiser. While of course the light bar and other cop-car bits are taken out of these cars when they retire from police use, departments often leave behind the coolest and most potentially useful gadget: the spotlight.
What this car doesn’t have, sadly, is the 260 horsepower LT1 V8 that would arrive under the hood just a year after its production. Instead, it makes do with (probably) a 205 horse 5.7 liter V8 or (maybe) the same 160 horse 4.3 liter V6 that finds a home in my old Chevy truck. Either way, you’ll have to outsmart the bad guys, because you probably won’t outrun them.
This car is a bit of an unknown, condition-wise, as it has been sitting for “a few years”. But hey, it’s $500, and it should look okay once you get all that good old Oregon moss off. That green gunk finds its way onto everything that sits for too long around here, but luckily it comes off with a power-washer.
So what will it be, Autopians? Limp home a broken Crown Vic, or tow home a derelict Caprice? Choose your weapon. And no saying “they both suck and I’m not voting;” that’s a cop-out.
I looked at several Panthers before I bought my 1993 Caprice wagon. All of the ex cop cars were a little rougher on the outside than I wanted to deal with
Crown Vic is the easy choice. So I say Caprice. It’s got some great siblings to pull parts from and you don’t see them very often.
Parts, as in a 5.7 V8
I used to drive a P71 and absolutely loved it. A comfortable cruiser, but still fun throw around. It was a ‘chief’s car’, and so looked like a regular Crown Vic and had a decent interior and functional rear doors. Even with that, I still got to experience the ‘Halo Effect’. Everyone around you begins driving like perfect little angels, forming a halo around your car that prevents you from ever really opening it up.
As for looks, there are few better, more purposeful-looking sedans than the ’98-2011 CV.
Engines for these things are a dime a dozen and easy to replace. Crown Vic all the way.
That Caprice looks to be in rough shape. The CV can probably run as a V7 for a bit, and at that point you already got your $800 worth.
And to pile on, I also got the Blues Brother’s reference.
My first police car was a Caprice with the LT1 in it. It was fast, smooth, and slid around corners like it was on butter. After that one it was all Ford CVPI. The Ford was fine, but the brakes would warp very easily. I send the car in for a brake job because the were warped and I warped them again the very next shift. The Caprice was a better police car all around.
I’ve owned 3 Panthers (1984 Town Car, 2008 Town Car, and 2009 Grand Marquis), as well as one B-Body (1996 Fleetwood), and, while GM’s cars are generally better designed (more spacious, more comfortable, better ride, better performance), everything on them that is plastic and/or electronic is hot garbage and will fail shortly if not already broken. And Chinesium aftermarket replacements will fail faster.
The Crown Vic has a much better chance of actually being a reliable, dependable car after the initial sorting phase, since they were just designed to be stouter and more robust from the start, at the expense of a rougher ride and more cramped interior
We used to call the Caprice “The Marshmallow.” Gotta give it the vote since you see way fewer of them than you see Crown Vics. And no LT-1 is a plus for me. I had a bad experience with an LT-1. I’ll happily listen to that 4.3 work hard and produce little, much like the car’s driver may have done when it was a public fleet vehicle…
“I’d rather drive a Ford than push a Chevy” has never been more on the nose than now!
LOL one of those is 20 years newer. Tough choice (not).
Ferd for me.
The Webster Co. Sheriff’s office sold my 07 P71 to me for $800 literally ready to go in service. Lights, sirens, decals, everything. The beauty of a sealed bid auction that nobody really knows is happening…
Despite preferring the Caprice overall. In this specific case it is the Vic all the way and twice as much if it is your own money.
Sadly Caprice/Impala from this generation now command higher prices. There may be $500 of salvageable bits for another Caprice owner with some specific needs. Maybe.
Post-cop Caprice’s were the taxi of choice when I drove in 1990! They were slow, boring, squishy and boat-like but they RAN no matter what. Got me out of several difficult situations.
Unfortunately I can smell the interior of that Caprice over the internet and I can’t say yes.
Editor’s note: After nine hours of brain-wracking, I’m being told that Mark was apparently making an extremely random reference to the Blues Brothers (see below). Did anyone else get that?
Yes, right away. I’m guessing the motor threw a rod, too.
Have I been living under a rock?
Yes.
I’m usually all about a 9C1, but oof-dah, that thing is in rough shape.
On the other hand all it’ll take for the Crown Vic is finding a PI 2 valve 4.6 in a wrecking yard for $500, an engine hoist, and an enjoyable weekend for you and a buddy to swap the engines and you’ve got a stone-reliable beater for next to nothing invested.
The Caprice was always a better car to actually use, but they weren’t as durable as the Vics. Since both are broken, might as well go for gold with the Chevy.
Just testing for my first comment
This era of police package cars doesn’t really do it for me. I’m old enough to still get paranoid and look suspicious on the rare occasion I see an old Valiant or Matador.
On a related note. Remember when police cruisers had interesting paint? Here in Toronto they used to be bright yellow. People would often confuse them with cabs. Sometime in the eighties they started going plain white with some decals that made them look like postal delivery vehicles. Now they have gone to this awful militaristic dark grey. The vehicles now really don’t have a “community service” look to them. More like just “control”. They are also hard to see and recognize, which can’t be good if they have to move through traffic quickly in an emergency. The visibility is crap. I really prefer how emergency vehicles outside of North America have such wild “look at me and get out of my way” graphics.