Welcome to the Tuesday edition of Shitbox Showdown! Today we’re looking at a pair of German luxobarges that look like they belong in a movie chase scene. But first, we need to see which twin-cam sports car you chose yesterday:
Wow, that’s a close race! British rarity beats out Japanese rust by a mere five votes. For what it’s worth, I’m on Team Jensen-Healey as well, but maybe because the only experience I have with that generation of Celica is test-driving one that smelled like somebody’s feet inside. Kind of a turn-off. But I’m sure this one smells fine.
You all know the movie scene I’m picturing for today’s cars, right? Our protagonist breaks out of a building carrying the stolen documents or diamonds or whatever, spots an unattended Moto-Guzzi nearby, tells his attractive female foil to “get on.” She replies “you can’t be serious,” but the two of them hop on, and despite having no keys for the bike, speed off down a cobblestoned street in Paris or Zurich or somewhere. Suddenly, a big German sedan fishtails out of an alleyway and gives chase, with four baddies in black turtlenecks inside. A second car joins the chase, with the head bad guy in it. “Do not lose them!” he shouts into a walkie-talkie, in a generic Eastern European accent. Crowds flee; a Renault Clio tries to avoid the chase and gets hit by a delivery van; a sidewalk café is likely destroyed. Eventually, our hero guns the bike and escapes through a gap in traffic, possibly riding down a staircase in the process. The first bad-guy car ends up upside-down or in a fountain or both, and the second one, with the head bad guy in it, screeches to a halt just before hitting something.
This happens to be a low-budget movie. You’re the head bad guy. Which one is your ride?
2000 Mercedes-Benz S500 – $3,000
Engine/drivetrain: 5.0 liter overhead cam V8, five-speed automatic, RWD
Location: San Jose, CA
Odometer reading: 158,000 miles
Runs/drives? Yep
Since we’re talking about a German car, let’s get the alphabet soup out of the way right away: this is a W220-chassis S-class, with an M113 five-liter V8 and a 5G-Tronic automatic transmission. Roughly translated, that means “the big one, but not the biggest baddest one.” This is the car your boss drives if you work at a largish law firm. If memory serves, Ari Gold drove one for a season or two as well. (Actually, I think he might have driven the BMW below for a while too.) It’s a car that says you’ve made it, but you’re not wasteful with what you’ve got.
At least, that’s what a new one says. Twenty-three years after rolling out of the factory in Sindelfingen, the message is a little less impressive. But it’s still a nice car. This one seems to be holding up well, but don’t expect much in the way of a service history – it’s being sold by a dealership. They do say it runs and drives well, but the airbag light is on.
It looks straight, but tired; the headlights are cloudy and the paint is a bit dull. Let’s just say no valet is going to park this one in front. But if you just want a nice, solid car for yourself, this could be a good one. Set aside some funds for the inevitable repairs, and best learn how to do them yourself; it’s cheaper that way.
And as a bonus, you get to spend the first week straight playing “Let’s see what this button does.”
2005 BMW 745i – $3,950
Engine/drivetrain: 4.4 liter dual overhead cam V8, six-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Hercules, CA
Odometer reading: 211,000 miles
Runs/drives? Sure does
And over here we have Mercedes’s arch-rival, BMW, with their competing flagship, the 7 Series. This is an E65 generation, one of the love-it-or-hate-it Chris Bangle designs, and the first to feature BMW’s infamous iDrive videogame controller doodad. This car was rife with complicated new technology like that; in a way this was the final turning point between the old lithe simple BMW and the whiz-bang gadgetry-laden new BMW.
The Dinan badge on the back means that this might not be stock. Or it might be just a badge. The seller makes no mention of it, which means they may have no idea what Dinan even is. (Honestly, I just barely know myself; they make BMWs go faster is all I know.) They do say it runs and drives well, and that the all-important air conditioning works.
It looks good, especially for being well over 200,000 miles. In this case, I think the higher mileage is actually a positive; the more miles it has covered, the more maintenance has been done to it. Cars like this just don’t hold up if you neglect them. Of course, that doesn’t mean all that high-tech stuff actually works, but it does mean the basic mechanical core is likely solid.
And when I say it “looks good,” I mean condition-wise. I have never been a fan of the “Bangle butt.” Give me a nice sleek E38 any day over this. But to each their own.
Well, there they are. That pesky hero is getting away with the prize. You’ve got to try to stop him. You’re looking down at a steering wheel hub, ready to start the engine. Does that hub have a three-pointed chrome star on it, or a blue-and-white roundel?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
while I know very little about these BMWs, I currently daily a 2000 S500 I rescued from a neighbors front yard with 295k miles on it. The engine and 5 speed automatic transmissions are bulletproof. The later 7 speeds not so much. These cars are amazing, but BOY does their display screen like to complain alot.
Ilya Malignantski is definitely riding in the back seat of the Benz-o, and the hapless minion who haz faildt to polish ze headlights is riding in front, cradling an H&K and nervously eyeing the airbag warning light as they swerve across a bridge abutment into oncoming traffic.
Any V8 BMW with the exception of the S62 or S65 M car engines is an automatic no go. As noted in some comments below the fact this one has made it over 200k miles is an amazing feat and probably funded a year of college for the mechanic’s kid.
Neither. Proper bad guys drive Pontiacs.
Joke’s on you! You thought you were just paying 3-4 grand for one of these. Haha! More like 15-20. Unless you just want to park it in the driveway to impress (?) the neighbors.
Both are wallet drainers and ill end up a ballerz cars once people know what they cost to maintain.
With that said, Benz.
Full disclosure, when it comes to German automobiles, I walk on the Porsche, Audi, VW side of the strasse. BMWs and Mercedes have rarely enticed me, so I’ll just flip a D-Mark to decide. Will you look at that! It landed on edge. What’re the odds on that? Oh well, of the two brands, BMW had the most recent car I admired (Z3 Coupe, if you don’t count Minis) while I’ve got to reach back to 1957 and the 300SL for a Merc. BMW 7 Series wins the tie break!
Really? A Grosser or a 6.3 SEL or a Pagoda SL or even a W123 don’t impress? Even an old school G-Wagen or a Unimog? I won’t argue with taste but I think conventional wisdom would disagree.
I think I appreciate Mercs more as I’ve gotten older. They’re just nice, comfortable places to be. My decrepit aging self sometimes just wants to be comfy, and gosh, they’ve had a lot of classy designs in the past.
I do wanna hoon a G-wagen where it should be hooned, though. That’s not comfy. That’s just awesome.
I said “entice” not impress. Both marques have obviously fielded some impressive cars over the years or they’d be dead. My response is entirely based upon subjective styling assessments and Mercedes and BMW, with some few exceptions, leave me cold. These two vehicles, in particular, don’t even rate a shrug from me when I see them.
I’d like to congratulate the sellers on finding different ways to make me suspicious. One ad has way too much info and the other has nowhere near enough.
The hood on the Mercedes doesn’t look like it fits correctly. That and the airbag light suggest this car had an unfortunate encounter with a hackjob fix afterwards. And before anyone says “but clean Carfax”, I’ll point out that an unreported crash and sloppy repair aren’t showing up on a Carfax.
I’ll choose possible financial ruin over possible death. I’m pursuing the good guys in the BMW. They’ll briefly escape when my car breaks down, but I’ll step out with a sinister grin and tell my lackeys to go and get the girl. What girl? Doesn’t matter. Once I have the girl, our hero will come to me to rescue her.
Neither, but if you put a gun to my head I’m taking the Benz.
Whilst the BMW is likely to be the better driving car with about 30 extra BHP (assuming its stock), the Merc is certainly going to be the nicer place to be most of the time.
Gotta go with the Merc. If the minions are happy, they’re loyal.
The Benz design has held up much better than the Bangle Butt. The headlights and paint are easily restored. I paused when I saw the Dinan badge, but BMW’s on their 2nd or 3rd owner have a penchant for collecting performance badges that mean nothing, so I’m gonna ignore it.
Oh, a tale of two cities. Today we pick which ticking time bomb to sit criss cross apple sauce on.
MBZ w220 features maybe the most reliable MBZ motor with spark plugs. Two of them per cylinder even! Also trans, not the fastest, pretty reliable if you change the fluid once every 20 years. The rest of the car around the power train, ditches that reliably for the future of the new millennium. Which went well for the first buyer. After the lease period reliably, wasn’t exactly first priority. Given these were fairly rare when new, and all person who worked on them are committed to mental institutions. There is a few things on a w220 that can fail and the amount of people that can fix it in America is maybe 10.
A e65 with a N62 with 200k miles on it, is an impressive monument to the sunk coast fallacy. There is nothing on this engine that functional works reliably for any reasonable period of time. It leaks every fluid, at all times. The frickin valve seals are some cheap compound which starts blowing by the moment you put them in the car. Also they suck ass to do. Every thing in the coolant path is a common failure point. The power steering pump desires death. Also you get a Dinan badge for buying a certain about of Dinan products that each having point value. Like a subway sandwich card. Also you get a certificate. Pretty sure Dinan didn’t release a ton of products for the N62 because it’s probably the worse engine BMW has ever made. So this badge is likely fake and screams recent 87 octane fuel fill ups. Also a lot of electrical issues in the e65, but repair is more known. Also Dinan sucks and cost like three times what they should.
In a choice between which looks better as lawn decoration soon. Give me that sweet Sliver Arrow. I can tell my neighbors it’s my formal car and it totally runs.
Anyone choosing the BMW is crazy. W220s definitely have their problems, but, they have a lot to like as well. The 5.0 M113 V8 is absolutely bulletproof, and the 722.6 5-speed automatic backing it up is known to go the distance as well. This one being a 500 is almost certainly the standard Airmatic suspension vs the ABC, and they’re pretty cheap to own with readily available aftermarket parts, if needed. Sure, there are modules and computers and things that may sporadically go bad, but, that’s no different from the BMW. I’d roll the dice on the Mercedes (I did, in fact). You could hardly give me a janky E65.
The BMW is almost certainly not stock.
Dinan is actually pretty stingy about handing out those badges. You need buy a fair amount of stuff from them before they give you one – more than just an exhaust. Dinan parts will also not void warranties, and BMW dealerships will install them. Also, with a recent smog pass, it’s probably not burning a lot of oil yet.
I’d pick the BMW but it’s due to familiarity only. Setting the cash on fire would probably be more efficient.
Since I’m the bad guy, it’s likely the car I’m driving is gonna get stuffed into something solid. I’ll pick the one with working airbags.
Gimme the BMW.
What’s the red thing in the BMW by the driver’s dead peddle?
Looks like a pepper spray thing. It’s not part of the car.
If this was my money I’d pick neither. Both of these will cost thousands of dollars to keep on the road during a good year, with the distinct possibility of costing 5 figures to keep on the road during a bad one. This is the exact era when Mercedes Benz more or less gave up their ability to make reliable cars….and while BMW has never been known for anything resembling reliability most hardcore Bimmer fans cite this era as the time when it all went downhill.
Unfortunately their current “more is more and there needs to be a lot of it” design language meant to appeal to the all flexing all the time Chinese market and conspicuous consumption/social media crowd almost makes the Bangle era seem halcyon in comparison…but that doesn’t mean these cars were attractive. They weren’t. They were ugly then and they’re still ugly now…BMW has been obsessed with cramming as much into every design as they can for over 20 years at this point. I think Clarkson’s “the car they wouldn’t stop designing” description of the FK8 Type R applies to 20th century BMW across the board aside from a few blind squirrel finding a nut examples like the last generation 2 series.
Suffice to say, I’m not a fan of either of these…but I’d go S Class if you put a gun to my head. I think this era of Mercedes design has aged pretty well and that the understated elegance of this generation S class holds up today. Also, to me the S class will always be the iconic German luxobarge while the 7 series has perpetually swung for the fences and grounded out since the turn of the century. In fact I think the current one might be the ugliest car on the road.
On a semi related note-AMGs and 12 cylinder Benzes from this era are often used as getaway cars here in DC. I’ve seen a couple with temporary tags or no tags at all absolutely flying through rough parts of town. I guess it makes sense…you can get 500+ horsepower for a couple grand and the lack of reliability might not be an issue if you just need it to go very fast a couple of times.
I was going to vote BMW, then I saw that hideous back end.
Mercedes for the win.
I do not share the commentariat’s antipathy toward the looks of the Bangle-fied 7er … but in a showdown between BMW and Mercedes-Benz, the three-pointed star wins.
“Oooh, a BMW 745i! N62 power! I know somebody who knows lots about those. BRB.”
“… holy fucking shit, run away. Well at least the Mercedes might be okay. Let me consult an expert.”
“MY GODS. How?! How can it be so much WORSE?!”
Conclusion: Mark is trying to bankrupt or kill us.
I voted for the Mercedes because it’s cheaper, lower mileage, and less ugly.
However, that cheaper purchase price only means it’ll bankrupt you about 0.5 seconds slower than the BMW.
Hey, it only has to last long enough to get the MacGuffin back from Captain Chiseledjaw.
I spent about two minutes looking at a ‘common problems’ lists. And unless that MacGuffin is an N62 longblock or an ECU, soldering iron, and a spool of wire? We’re going to need to reshoot the chase on a local bus.
Common problems list for 21st century German luxury cars:
All of it
Shouldn’t that be “Herr Chisledjaw?”
My movie scene is from “The Last Run” (1971?) where George C. Scott opens the film as Harry Garmes, aging wheel man. He’s balancing the carbs on his BMW 503 in preparation for surreptitiously moving Trish Van Devere and Tony Musante through Portugal and surrounding countryside. He demonstrates his driving skill, and effectiveness of the 503’s supercharger quite well. I could go on, but so many, including car guys, have never heard of this film much less seen it.
And this is my high point with cinematic BMWs so I had to go with the Benz.
https://youtu.be/Ri1TDRq-588
Thanks for the link.
The S-Class is scary in its own right, but BMW’s iDrive takes that shit to another level!
I voted for the Benz because of the hood ornament and being less scary than iDrive
Also, here is the real solution:
https://www.clublexus.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/ls430_1_82e9d089bd6925aa1938238e94f38442c386f843.jpg
You’re damn right.
On the other end of the spectrum of Euro movie bad-guy cars, here’s one:
http://imcdb.org/i068249.jpg
Which, frankly, is actually more appealing than either the Mercrdes or the BMW on offer today so it was hard to cast a vote, ha.
I can almost guarantee these are cheap for a reason: The owner knows there is a existing or soon to exist major problem. I once had a housemate who bought a seemingly nice Mercedes for $2500. The head gasket failed immediately. And then the sun roof stopped working. And so on. And what was a $2500 car wound up being a $7,000 car. It takes very little for old German cars to cost a fortune in repairs.
Well, *we* know there’s no such thing as a cheap German car; now your housemate does too. Every day is a school day!
No Bangle Butt for me thanks. Benz all the way.
This is my take as well. Both are objectively terrible cars to maintain, and at this point that maintenance will be HEAVY, but at least the Merc has monoblocks and no Bangle butt.