Even Naomi Campbell Can’t Make The BMW XM Look Good

Velvet Bmw Xm Ts
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Every so often, automakers get properly weird. Think that Renault 5 Diamant with the stone steering wheel, or the Nissan Pivo concept car with the swivelling cabin. Well, it’s time to get weird again. The BMW XM Mystique Allure is a velvet-wrapped SUV inspired by supermodel Naomi Campbell’s favorite color, and despite having a fuzzy exterior, it doesn’t look any more ridiculous than a standard XM.

Making its debut at the Cannes Film Festival, the XM Mystique Allure is draped roof-to-sill in blurple velvet and shimmering sequins, looking like something a Dr. Seuss villain would drive. As you’d probably expect, the interior is also matched to theme, and has some serious potential. Sure, leather may be the industry standard, but isn’t there something nice about the warmth and comfort of properly sumptuous cloth, especially in an actual color?

Another highlight BMW’s touting is a special set of synthesized propulsion sounds composed by Hans Zimmer. These are claimed to be different than the regular Zimmer-composed noises in other electric BMWs, although it’s anyone’s guess as to what they might sound like.

P90550216 Highres The Bmw Xm Allure Ca

So, how does this car’s inspiration feel about it? As Campbell stated in a press release: “I feel deeply honoured to have sparked the inspiration for their first-ever high-fashion show car, which stands as a unique masterpiece in every aspect.” Indeed, the BMW XM Mystique Allure is certainly unique, and nobody can take that away from it.

P90550203 Highres The Bmw Xm Allure Ca

P90548985 Highres The Bmw Xm Mystique

Interestingly this isn’t BMW’s first time experimenting with fabric on the outside of a car. In 2008, the brand revealed the GINA, a name that stood for “Geometry and functions In ‘N’ Adaptions.” Sure, that acronym will make you want to roll your eyes so far back into your skull that your brain stem turns to mush and your spine slides out of your anus, but the car itself is pretty cool.

Bmw Gina Light Visionary Model Concept 2008 1600 1e

Thanks to a flexible fabric skin, the GINA could blink, open up its engine bay from the middle of the hood, and be nearly devoid of visible panel gaps. It was a fascinating vehicle, an amusing dead end in the world of show cars.

P90548983 Highres The Bmw Xm Mystique

While the BMW XM Mystique Allure doesn’t feature moving fabric panels, it also doesn’t feel that strange compared to how it started life. Does it look like Grimace’s Decepticon cousin? Sure, but that’s no more of a preposterous theme than a gold-accented road rhino for the terminally tasteless. While it might not look, shall we say, good, this velvet-wrapped treatment makes the XM more interesting, and that’s a minor win in itself.

(Photo credits: BMW)

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68 thoughts on “Even Naomi Campbell Can’t Make The BMW XM Look Good”

  1. The best way to make a BMW XM look good is to clone Naomi Campbell repeatedly and line them up in front of any XM, shoulder to shoulder

    1. Yeah, until the mid 1930s, a lot of engineers believed all-steel bodies would cause a “drumming” noise inside at speed, so even the earliest bodies touted as all-metal still had a fabric roof section

      Also, wood and fabric were effectively the fiberglass or carbon fiber of their day (1920s/early 30s) when weight savings were desired, either for sports cars or when fitting enormous limousine bodies that would just overtax the engine too much if done in metal. The padded vinyl roofs on cars of brougham era (60s-90s) were inspired by those, those roofs weren’t meant to look like convertibles, but like wood framed/fabric covered closed bodies on prewar luxury cars

  4. Wait a minute.

    Wait just a dang minute!!

    I see what’s going on here.

    It started with the pristine diesel Tempo, then we got the odd couple pairing of a Metro and a Town Car in Shitbox Showdown.

    Then Bishop hit us with SUVs with trunks.

    Now a velvet BMW XM.

    Back on April Fool’s Day, I said they should wait for a random day later in the year and hit us with all kinds of weirdness because we wouldn’t be expecting it.

    WELL, I’M ON TO YOU PEOPLE!! YOU CAN’T FOOL ME!!!

  5. This is extremely ugly in pictures but way worse in real life. But then the new Toyota/Lexus models with 7 chins or the bloated GM SUVs aren’t much better, so why the hate on BMW?

    1. Because this feels like a worse take on the Buck Tooth Design from a few years ago. BMW wants to ignore the buyers since Bangle, they can accept the disdain.

  8. So an overpriced old outdated model with fancy clothes? Yes fits the BMW and the inspiration. I wonder if they intended to do that?

  9. Do I like the color? Yes.

    Do I like the fact that it’s velvet? No.

    Do I like this vehicle? Fuck no.*

    *although if a future used car ad for this German shitbox stated ‘never driven in the rain,’ it’d probably be accurate.

  11. The world of high fashion is so bizarre to me, one day it’s all abstract colors and concepts and crazy impractical designs to “experiment” but this “high fashion show car” here is just:

    Designer 1: What if more blue?
    Designer 2: How much and where?
    Designer 1: Yes.

  13. I finally saw an XM in person! They’ve sold at least one of these! From the back they look…a bit gaudy but okay. From the side they look like a bulbous nightmare. From the front they’re a war crime. I hate them and everything they stand for so goddamn much.

    1. As if there will be 6th owners lmao. This isn’t a Lexus we’re talking about here. This is a “flagship” BMW filled with a bunch or proprietary shit and a ridiculously complicated plug in hybrid, twin turbocharged powertrain. These things will be scrapped by owner 3.

      Maybe some of us sickos will buy them for like $5,000 as Cars and Coffee curiosities/rolling shitposts but they literally can’t give them away new.

      1. >As if there will be 6th owners lmao.

        You should go by a BHPH lot, mark down some luxury car VINs, then pull reports. Those places can get 6 new owners for one car in under 2 years.

        1. I guess a more accurate description is there won’t ever be a title landing in the hands of 6 different people, just a third owner BHPH lot with the title stashed in a drawer until someone 3 months behind on their payments scraps it for parts or sells it on FBM for $4500 with a “misplaced title”

        2. Touche! To be fair I saw a 2023 X3M listed recently that had had 6 owners. I was like “wow this is a deal” then pulled up the Carfax and was like…oh. Nevermind…

          1. Serious question: is a high number of owners in isolation really a bad thing?

            I’m the 4th owner of a 2012 Prius v (bought with 116k miles) and I’d give you 10-to-1 odds the prior owners just got bored of it, because it’s clean and has been trouble free for 35,000 miles so far

            1. It is not. It is highly dependent on the owner.

              In the case of BHPH repo-revolving-doors, someone knowing they’re going to have their vehicle repo’d won’t take care of it at all. Zero maintenance. Heck, they often have a habit of putting in some minor body damage to “screw the big guy over.” You’ll even see things like people deliberately peeing on the seats, etc. From what I hear right now regarding mass repos of Chargers/Challengers/Mustangs, there’s a lot of rough ones starting to really fill up lots (it’s after tax refunds, will get worse for a bit) and for cars that were new, they already have serious rough spots.

              For older repos? Oof. The dealers are super wary of them at auctions. Maybe 1 in 10 is worth dealing with. They get sold for peanuts.

              1. I’d love to buy a used pony car as a weekend toy in a few years. I’m perfectly fine with the mass repos and values that are absolutely tanking. Hell you can get decent enough V8 Challengers in the mid to high 20s already. Obviously it’ll take time to find one that hasn’t lived an incredibly rough life, especially in my area where they’re favorites of thieves and people who have…extralegal means of generating income.

                But enough Boomers buy them that I think it’ll be doable. I’d just love a manual, V8 car to rumble around and do pulls in on weekends.

                1. > I’m perfectly fine with the mass repos and values that are absolutely tanking.

                  Whoa now. This is NOT for the faint of heart.

                  There’s a reason why a huge percentage of repos get zero bids at auction. They’re not bought because of consumer preference, they’re not bought because out of the 100+ dealers in attendance, all of them looked at it, tried running it, and found the car to be a complete basket case.

                  We’re talking 3 year old cars with 150K miles, and things like warped heads, piston slap, needing $7K of body work, heavily molded interiors, etc. You hear of those stories where people didn’t change the oil for 40, 50, 60K miles? A good chunk of them are repos. Many of them are shining examples of, “the cheapest one to buy are the most expensive ones to own.”

  24. Man, the GINA has been burned in my head for sixte.. well the number isn’t important, let’s just say a long time. Those lurid, suggestive shapes, the intake manifold taut against the hood. It’s my idea of goodweird.

    The XM, however, is a hulking monstrosity, and this sextuples down on that. Tart it up with the standard press release frippery and, as Angrycat Meowmeow notes, it’s hard to keep lunch down. It’s so gross looking, right from the get-go. God. No.

    This looks like something The Bishop would get shut down from running on the site.

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