Five Stupid Car Commercial Songs That Are Terrible And Stick In My Head Like A Freaking Railroad Spike

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It’s the weekend! The time you allow your brain to relax, oozing out all of the harmful thoughts and fluids of the week, and scrubbing those brain-tubes clean, ready to absorb all the new ideas and kindness and wonderment your weekend has to offer. Well, that’s what would happen, normally, if it wasn’t for me ruining absolutely everything by subjecting you to a bunch of miserable audio-automotive brain worms, because I’m a monster who isn’t happy until his own internal demons spread across the world, like tendrils of some unholy ivy. Sorry. With that in mind, let’s check out these five absurd old car commercial music nightmares!

The criteria used to select these is simple: what old-ish car commercials had the ability to plant a song (or, more commonly, a tiny, miserable fragment of a song) into my head, and there it would stay, until I seriously would consider using something like a hammer to attempt to remove it. And now, the goal is to plant one or more of these into your head, too! You’re welcome!

 

Ride, Pontiac Ride! (Or Drive, Pontiac, Drive?)

Okay, maybe I kinda like this one in a perverse way. It’s just so fucking earnest, like you know everyone in there absolutely, in that moment, believed that Pontiac built excitement, and they felt that call of the road, deep, deep in their netherwhatsits. It’s the ride, Pontiac ride! part that gets stuck in my head. Get on your Pontiac and ride! Or are they saying “drive?” I’m not sure. Sometimes I play this in our Slack room and demand everyone sing.

That Scion One With The Dipshits At The Party

Oh god, I hate this one. It was for some Scion limited edition anniversary thing, and while the start with all the car clunking sounds is kinda cute, when the people start rhythmically saying the model names in that patter, it kinda makes me want to explode. Why is it so irritating? And why does that lady saying eff arreee esss lodge so cruelly in my head? Ugh, make it stop!

 

Ooooooh Like A Rock!

Ooof, you all know this one. Oooooooh, like a rock! Try not to belt that out after hearing this. It’s so cloying and saccharine and based on the video, it seems like these Chevys exist in a world where nobody can just put something in something else, they have to drop it from some height with a clonk and a cloud of dust, like whatever the hell is in that truck bed, or that dude’s really filthy toolbox.

Ugh, enough with the rock.

 

So, Have You Driven A Ford? Lately? Asks The Woman And A Choir Incessantly

This one grates on me because the only part that sticks is that last bit with the swelling HAVE YOU DRIVEN A FORD? and then the little “lately?” and the rest of it is unmemorable high-pitched filler. Like that “When was the last time you had a car like this to drive?” as a freaking Tempo lumbers around. Though this does have a clip of that Tempo driving all around that giant “O” from this ad:

So, you know, that’s something. I’m glad Ford got a bit more out of whatever they spent to do that.

 

You Asked For It, You Got It, Toyota, The Fuck Around And Find Out Of That Era

Okay, the jingle is only at the end of this ad, and it can lodge in your head irritatingly, but let’s talk about this weird-ass ad.

First, it’s in a library? A college library? And why does the big guy say to the guy he calls “Brain,” “If I can find a car built like me.” The fuck does that mean? Tall? Skinny? Too old looking to be in college? Able to wear a cardigan?

And then the conceit of the ad is that Big Man on Campus’ wish for a car built like him that he can get for “under $3,000” is realized, as a Corolla pops into existence right in the middle of the library? Accompanied by the very justifiable screams of the librarian?

Did this help people choose cars? Was anyone cross-shopping a Corolla, a VW Rabbit, and maybe a Renault LeCar or Honda Civic and was pushed to get the Toyota because they really thought it handled being materialized into a collegiate library better than any of its competitors? I don’t get it.

Anyway, now the jingle is in your head.

 

I guess I’m sorry I did this to you. Have fun this weekend, anyway.

 

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Mercedes Streeter

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78 thoughts on “Five Stupid Car Commercial Songs That Are Terrible And Stick In My Head Like A Freaking Railroad Spike”

  1. Oh God! Jason! Yer killin’ me!
    Ever since the 70’s “Bum Bum BumbleBee BumbleBee Tuna” and “Oscar Meyer Hotdog” ad campaigns went wildly popular, it seemed every major corporation was trying to plant a tune + Logo in your head. McDonald’s ads were so often and ubiquitous that a decade later they only had to play the tune and you would think the words “you deserve a break today, at McDonalds”. It drove me bonkers.

    I recall visiting my very smart uncle once. He showed some switches he installed in the arm of his TV chair, before the advent of remotes. “This one is to shut off the sound. I call it BLAB OFF, and this one is to shut of the picture!” “Why are you shutting off the picture?” I queried. “Because sometimes I can’t even stand looking at them”! he retorted somewhat agitatedly. I said “Umm, if you’re shutting off the sound *and* the picture, why not just turn it off?” He blew up, throwing his hands in the air, “Cuz then it takes five F–king minutes to warm up again!” I just had to laugh.

    On the bright side, thankfully, *most* of this has disappeared today; a fact I’ll try to remember the next time a hated ad plays repeatedly and I see myself becoming my uncle.

    (As I write this, I have Katy Perry singing “Skip” rolling around in my head and I can’t get out. Arrgh!)

  4. Because the FRS lady gives off such an insanely intense Karen in training vibe. She’s just certain in the way she’s saying it. I was immediately annoyed by her too before I read you were as well.

  8. See the USA in your Chevrolet
    America is asking you to call
    Drive your Chevrolet through the USA
    America’s the greatest land of all

    On a highway, or a road along the levee
    Performance is sweeter
    Nothing can beat her
    Life is completer in a Chevy

    So make a date today to see the USA
    And see it in your Chevrolet

    (Would have put a link to video here, but couldn’t figure out how. You want see/hear the commercial, it on YouTube under See the USA).

  9. You know, that’s just wrong, to plant these in my head KNOWING I had to read and listen to them especially since I lived through when they aired. It’s just, just, wrong.
    .

  10. It’s strange to be part of a generation that can look up specific childhood memories and watch videos of them on demand Via a cordless super computer that fits in a pocket.
    Strange times.

    1. This is the thing that blows my mind. In fourth grade, my school didn’t have computers. In fifth grade, we did. But just one. For the whole school. We all had to share it. And honestly it couldn’t really do much.

      Now I can use a pocket-sized tv to watch a live broadcast from halfway around the globe in greater resolution that the movie theaters of my youth.

  11. “Have you driven a Ford? Lately?” was always kind of puzzling in that it implied that they were imploring you to drive a new Ford because earlier Fords were indeed terrible and you needed to adjust your judgment accordingly, not necessarily a ringing endorsement of the company as a whole. Well, these earlier Fords were indeed terrible, so it was in fact a textbook case of truth in advertising.

  12. Only peripherally related but…

    As the son of a Ford dealer, the soundtrack of my youth was the 8-track “Stereo For Today” demo tapes the dealership would give out to demonstrate the audio excellence of your new Ford’s car stereo. This is what we listened to when we were driving mourned town or on road trips. Unfortunately, for every Rock The Boat by the Hues Corporation, there were five or eight more abominable songs, such as Perry Como singing The Way We Were, Henry Mancini performing I Can’t Stop Loving You, and Charlie Pride’s Kiss An Angel Good Morning. Of all of those, Kiss an Angel Good Morning is the one I associate to this day to whatever demo LTD Crown Vic my Dad was driving at the time. Even scarier, all of the above songs are burned into my memory and, save for Rock The Boat, should I suffer from some form of memory loss in my older age, I think forgetting those songs would actually benefit my health…

  15. Hey look me over, give me a try
    Go to Fletcher Jones, folks, for a better buy
    Your choice of every color, size and model, too
    Service is our specialty, come on in and you will see
    Get terrific value, we’ll save you more
    You will find the car that you’ve been looking for
    So if you want to get a new car or fix the old one right away
    Go to Fletcher Jones Chevrolet

    That’s been burned into my brain for a good 50 years.

    And don’t get me started on “Go see Cal”.

  16. You asked for it, you got it, Toyota.
    You asked for it, you got it, Toyota.
    You asked for it, you got it, Toyota.
    You asked for it, you got it, Toyota.
    You asked for it, you got it, Toyota.
    You asked for it, you got it, Toyota.
    You asked for it, you got it, Toyota.
    You asked for it, you got it, Toyota.
    You asked for it, you got it, Toyota.
    ‘Forget Paris’
    I’ve had that ear worm in my head since 1995.

  18. As a 100% red-blooded Michigander i can’t tolerate any anti-Seger sentiment, but my lord “like a rock” was burned into my youth in the worst fucking way.

    1. Seger, Iggy, or Motown sound slander are fighting words!

      quick Seger story: I went to his house on Halloween when I was in high school. It was about 10 at night and I was not only stoned out of my mind, but I had no costume and my shitty car was running in the driveway. Anyway, he answered the door and I said “trick or treat, Bob” He laughed and invited me in, and gave me a quick tour of the house. We got back to the front door and he gave me a King-Sized Starburst and that was it. Not only is he an awesome dude, but giving out King-Sized candy to stoned teenagers on Halloween is a baller move. lol

      He’s also a huge car guy, btw. He drives in the Dreamcruise and all that type of stuff.

    2. I actually avoided Seger music for a while because my exposure to him was “the Chevy truck commercial”. Surely that guy can’t have good music in his catalog. Even after Metallica covered “Turn the Page”. Sounds like a good song, but that was originally from the Chevy truck guy.

      “Hollywood Nights” and “We’ve Got Tonight” eventually got me to dive in.

  19. I entirely unironically believe Ride, Pontiac, Ride slaps, as the kids day (or, as they said probably up to 15 minutes or so before I became aware of it as slang). Bonus points for Sam The Record Man showing up, because that spinning disc neon sign was so good one of our local universities preserved it when they took over one of Sam’s old locations.

    In other mid-80’s morning in America optimism, what about Taurus! For us! I can’t imagine a family car being marketed to me today with anywhere near that unabashed excitement.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n12lyKTAa50

    2. As a man of Certain Age those hotties in their full 80’s finery still kind of give me the warm fuzzies.

      But then so does that black 3rd-gen Trans Am so make of that what you will.

    3. Ha! I was just browsing back through these comments and I see you beat me to “Taurus for us” by about a day. I bagged on it in my post, mainly because it really does often pop into my head when I see a Taurus on the road, especially older ones. In reality, I agree with you that car commercials today largely lack that sort of excitement, as little kid watching those commercials I couldn’t understand why my parents weren’t running out the door to buy a Taurus! It might have had something to do with the disaster of a Granada that was our previous Ford experience, but that’s another story.

    1. Yes, this is the ad that got stuck in my head on-and-off for years as a kid after seeing it once or twice. At some point when I was a teenager, either “Log” or the original Slinky ad jogged my memory and I finally tracked the Amigo ad down.

    2. Yes! I was going to post this commercial if nobody else had. I actually liked this commercial and memorized the song so I could sing along. I was a weird teenager.

    1. That didn’t work out.
      I ended up with Gene Merollis in my head despite living 120 miles away and in another Country.
      https://mcrfb.com/?cat=750
      My downfall, I used to listen to rock on Detroit fm radio and for years “Gene Merollis was a great, great guy”.
      It’s going to drive me to drinking Vernors again.

  22. Pontiac’s jingle was We Build Excitement?? I could have sworn it was We Add Cladding!

    *yes, I know it doesn’t work. Thankfully, my day job doesn’t involve scansion

    1. The Chevy truck won’t start, it’s stuck there, like a rock…

      That always seemed like a really stupid slogan for something that is supposed to move.

  24. Any love/hate for that counterfeit Bruce Springsteen song Lee Iacocca paid Kenny Rogers to sing (alongside a female singer who chose to have her name left off the finished product)?

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