What would cars look like if Ralph Nader had never been born? I know that David Letterman once pondered that question and figured the answer would be things like the fasten seatbelts chime being replaced by a synthesized voice telling you to “Punch it! Punch it!”. I tend to agree.
There’s no better example of that than the American cars of the fifties. Forget about the lack of seat belts and airbags; that doesn’t begin to describe the madness. We’re talking about cars where performance and glitz were the goals with zero regard to the consequences of even making contact with the interior or exterior surfaces.
Let’s look at a 1957 Cadillac Eldorado. It’s not enough that you can run over a pedestrian because the V8 makes it far faster than the drum brakes and squishy suspension can handle. No, this thing will flat-out gorge anything you drive into forwards or backwards with sharp, pointed edges.
The inside is just as bad; you can see emergency rooms filled with people needing care for puncture wounds in the shape of some gilded radio knobs and such shit. Ah, but this Caddy was even worse. It’s long been known that drinking and driving is a bad combination. You don’t want an open container of alcohol in a car; you might as well have a bar built into the dashboard, right?
That’s right. Open the glove box of the Eldorado and, in addition to a make-up mirror, there’s a bunch of little silver coasters and a suggestion for carrying a small bottle of your favorite libation. Were they serious? How did that work? Magnets, baby! Located on the bottom of each tumbler, magnets kept your drinks from sliding onto the cut pile carpeting. Oh wait, you were concerned about the actual alcohol being served in the front seat of the car? I have no idea what they were thinking. Maybe they figured that you couldn’t get enough alcohol in the glove box to get totally plastered in those Mad Men days? I’m digging that illegible rotating drum clock, too.
At least the magnetic tumbler idea made sense from a physics standpoint; a lot more sense than the infamous Glove Box Circles that were popular on most cars from the fifties up through the early eighties. To the younger generations, you might have never seen these; once you do these things will seem as odd as crop circles in farmland. Here are a few examples from Japan (Toyota Land Cruiser), Europe (2 series Volvo), and America (68-72 Chevy/GMC pickup). Most cars had them:
Naturally, it’s obvious in today’s world of adjustable foot-deep cupholders to hold Big Gulps, this is a bit absurd. According to Patrick Smith’s “The Secret History of the Glovebox Door,” there was in fact real thought behind them:
The drive-in diner and movie theatres took hold in a big way during (the fifties) and the rise of fast food with car hops and kitchen to car delivery gave the glove box door a new function, When opened, indents on the inside lid allowed you to rest your cardboard cup of soda or malt shake without fear of it slipping away. To be sure those indents weren’t deep enough to prevent a slide in a moving car but it was good enough for stand still convenience… The glove box started losing indents for paper cups in the late 1970s as drive in movies and restaurants faded from the scene.
Look, I get it. This is way that manufacturers sort of said “put your drink here” to the passengers, but it also says “if you do and the car moves even a fraction of an inch when a door is slammed your beverage will end up in your lap.” Today someone would put a hot cup of coffee there, burn themselves and sue the manufacturer even if they added a sticker that said DO NOT PLACE HOT OR COLD BEVERAGES HERE (which goes against the message the funky circles are telling you anyway).
Regardless, car companies for the most part back then were smart enough to not put a mini bar inches away from the driver. Besides, they could fill that space with two giant ashtrays and cigarette lighters instead! Much safer.