It’s a natural and healthy thing to rebel against your parents which, in my case, meant becoming slightly religious when I got older. You see, we didn’t go to church on Christmas, but my father was the first person I knew of to put up a Festivus pole. The concept of a “Festivus for the rest of us” appealed to him deeply as he found tinsel distracting.
For those who are unaware (ahem, David), Festivus was created as an alternative to Christmas by the writer Dan O’Keefe way back in the 1960s. The reason why the rest of us know about it is that O’Keefe’s son, Dan, was a writer for the American television program Seinfeld and, in 1997, aired the episode entitled “The Strike.” In this episode, George Costanza’s dad Frank (played perfectly by Jerry Stiller) explains the rules of the holiday.
This strange tradition includes a pole (my dad loved the pole), a dinner that includes a feat of strength, and an “airing of grievances” that allows all the people at dinner to list their interpersonal qualms. Or, as Frank puts it:
I gotta lotta problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it!
In honor of this tradition, I invite all of you to take a moment from bravely facing down your current fleet of cars and just kvetch a little.
I’ll start, specifically focusing on my Subaru Forester.
I gotta lotta problems with you, Subaru! It’s not enough that you look anonymously boring. It’s not enough that your fuel economy is poor. You’ve somehow required two new front lower control arms (one for each side) in less than 70,000 miles of driving! And wheel bearings in the rear at 60,000 miles?!? The stock tires were junk. The battery barely lasted three years. You’re a reasonably well-designed car, but you’re a poorly built car. Love is definitely not what makes a Subaru, a Subaru.
Ok, your turn. Get the pole out of the crawlspace and let your cars have it.
Grievances? I got grievances!
My AMC Concord, you have a mouse piss reeking interior, brakes that don’t work, a window that’s stuck part-way down, and rust hidden under the vinyl top.
As far as my Saab 900 Turbo, you have an electrical drain that’s discharging the battery, a pretty big fluid leak (I think it might be power steering?), you’re missing your headlight wiper blades, and some hidden rust behind the front bumper.
To you, my lovely Mazda 2, you are not without fault. Your radio has been broken nearly all year (a common issue with these, just don’t feel like taking the dash apart to fix it). And just today I discovered that you broke one of your rear springs.
Finally, you Fiat 124 Spider. Your good. Please don’t break any time soon and I’m sorry I nearly backed into my co-workers truck with you last week.
My MTB fork making some squishy noises before its 50h service interval, and pulling the fork off and checking the headset bearings, they are kinda gritty. So that 60k miles thing doesn’t sound too bad, Matt.
My problem is that nobody will rebuild a brake booster for a 1991 RX-7 Turbo. I’ve got one place who is still looking for the parts. Mazda never published part numbers to rebuild these dual diaphragm units like they did for the single diaphragm boosters in non-turbo cars. Mine will not hold a vacuum and the car has been parked for a while until I finally sort out this braking issue.
The most info I’ve been able to find is it is a JKC unit likely made under a Bendix license and is of the “Master Vac” variety. If anyone out in the Autopian universe has any leads, I’m all ears.
https://jdmfsm.info/Auto/Japan/Mazda/RX7/ or http://www.car-part.com of any help? I generally like using the latter when looking up parts as it also lists any other cars this part came on, but this car may be too old for that database. I’d look at a 1.8 Miata however, there is a lot of commonality between Mazda’s RX7/8s and MX5’s.
One other thing to consider is on a weird frankenstein of a race car I once had (86 Subaru XT with 2015 STI rear shocks in the front, NA Miata front shocks in the rear, a 2004 WRX drivetrain, accord / 240SX brakes…) I relocated where the plunger on the master attaches to the pedal from 1/10th the distance from the pivot to 1/7th and swapped in a Ford Explorer master cylinder about 1″ lower than the stock mounting location (same bolt pattern and hole as Mazda / Subaru but a 1/8th or 1/4″ bigger cylinder diameter than stock btw) and removed the booster completely. This was done for space reasons, but the end result was the best feeling brakes I’ve ever experienced.
With this particular part, there isn’t a lot of interchange. The booster/master cylinder combo is matched so I am limited right off the bat. There was a similar setup on the 929 of that era which a lot of people upgraded to back in the day. Some people have swapped in a mid 90s Subaru Legacy booster/master with a bigger bore as well.
Manual brakes are on the table, but they are my last resort.
About 10-15 years ago I saw an electric brake booster for hot rods. I haven’t looked lately, but maybe they’re still out there?
Wouldn’t be original, but it would get you down the road.
That’s interesting, never heard of electric ones before. That might be something to look into if I keep hitting dead ends and don’t wish to do manual brakes.
Meantime, I would be very very surprised if something didn’t swap over.
Try Grassroots Motorsports’ forum. A more eclectic bunch you’re not likely to meet. I can almost guarantee someone will have a suggestion.
Toyota 2UZ cracked exhaust manifold, which wouldn’t be a huge deal except for the integrated catalytic converters, which means $800+ for each replacement manifold. I’ve been living with the tick for two years now, but it’s at the point where it doesn’t go away anymore when the manifold gets hot, so it’s time to fix it. Good thing Toyota made it easy to do on the 120-series…oh…wait…crap.
I can’t get the darn squeal out of the front brakes of my MGB at certain levels of pedal pressure. I have new calipers and I’ve tried combinations of 2 sets of rotors and 2 sets of pads. It has a new master cylinder too. The slotted and drilled rotors and ceramic pads I put on last year stopped it until this fall, but now it’s back again after about 1500 miles. I’ll have to tear them down again before spring and see if something has changed. I’m too the point where I can change pads on this car in under an hour because I’ve done it so many times.
Sil-Glyde on about everything that moves and under the shims plus CRC Disc Brake Quiet on the pad backing plates fixed a constant squeak with new pads on my RAV4.
Me to the readers: “I gotta lotta problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it!”
Matt, whispering in my ear: “No Adrian, you’re supposed to be bitching about your Mini or the Ferrari. Not the readers”
Me, nodding slowly: “I gotta lotta problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it!”
Let’s rumble!!
Well… we don’t have as many problems with you people. Are still sore the Teslacult got you on the xitt, and no one could help? Please unload, now’s the time!
I welcome their anguish. Their tears keep me young.
Pictured: Mr. Clarke instructing the youth of today in proper ITB synchronization.
That presupposes I get my hands dirty. Which I do not.
All problems are people problems.
That’s certainly my cat’s philosophy.
I bought a 2002 is300 wagon as a project car sight unseen and shipped it from Colorado to Chicago figuring I’d do dumb supra mods and junk it in 2 years when it breaks in half due to rust and move on to another project car. (it lived its first 100k or so in Chicago, then 70K in Colorado) It showed up in perfect shape and had negative rust underneath, seller later said he never drove it in the winter when I asked him about it later, a perfect interior, and I really liked that car. It’s now been 4 years and nothing’s broken on it yet despite 180K so I don’t want to start on a manual swap + turbo, and I basically haven’t touched it other than to put Ohlins suspension on it.
worst project car ever…
one of the best cars ever too…
such a good car. I had an is300 sedan a few years back, even with the auto, it was a remarkably good car. Finding one that hasn’t been modded to death is getting hard, but worth it.
I just hauled two completely full 33-gallon contractor bag-fulls of ratshit and nests out of the ’75 Westfalia I bought last week, along with an innumerable quantity of trash and assorted refuse. Yes, I was wearing a Tyvek suit and a respirator, but good christ what a mess. And all of the interior is still going to have to come out and get completely scrubbed, sanitized, and/or replaced.
Ugh, I am sick to death of all of them…
The CUCV is stalled on a disc brake conversion and I am just constantly angry whenever I work on it because every time I find a mess from the PO.
The Outback is annoying me by failing to have any problem significant enough to cause me to sell or junk it. I hate it so much but it is just crappy enough to be worth nothing but to clean and has a fresh engine so I can’t just junk it.
My Tacoma DD annoys me by being boring.
Cruze: it needs water pump number 6, 7? I forget how many. Easy but messy.
The oil cooler is leaking. Which means the turbo integrated exhaust manifold has to come off for access since it’s behind the turbo. The cat too, which is going into a safe place so it doesn’t run off.
Either the front main seal or the oil pan is leaking too.
The front brakes need replacement pads and the slide pins re-lubed. Also needs a brake fluid flush.
Reply to self: parts ordered, mentally preparing for frustration.
Ford, your TPMSs suck. Because you and Firestone managed to screw everything up, we have to have these and you really cheaped out on ’em.
First one of mine on my Focus was bad, now apparently another one’s gone off. So says the dealer that I had her at for an oil change and no, there’s no way I’m paying them to fix this.
But I can’t do it myself, so I have to actually figure out a good place to take her. In the meantime, I’m so sick of the multiple warning lights every time I start her up.
The main problem I have is the passenger window motor appears to have failed. Both buttons will not activate the window and no noise.
I expect this to be expensive.
That was my Mustang 10 years ago. And it was.
I have no grievances to express against any of my vehicles and ask only that, in their mercy, they continue to stop short in their occasional efforts to kill me.
GMC Sierra:
Seriously? All in the order they occurred.
AC Condenser leak
High pressure fuel pump leak
AC compressor failure
Torque convertor failure and complete transmission rebuild
Oil pump failure
Coolant temp sensor
Timing chain jumped
Transmission rebuild again
Fuel injectors
High pressure fuel pump again
Thermostat
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
No major grievances with the fleet, just came to say my Festivus pole is out in the living room year round.
It’s a stripper pole the other 364 days of the year.
Believe me, no one wants to see that in my house (unless the strippers are imported). No, we just air our grievances daily…
Healthy communication builds strong families! (Sometimes through attrition)
Hyundai Ioniq – your seats suck, you lean too much in corners, your turning radius is ridiculously huge for a small car, and your ride quality is so poor you couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a….
….I lost my train of thought
Extra points for the Frank Costanza laced tirade! haha
My current fleet is a 2nd-gen BMW MINI. Sooooo…..the grievances write themselves.
Chrysler: where the HELL did that rattle/squeak in the dashboard come from all of a sudden? I know our roads are crap, but come on. Do I really have to listen to that racket every time I hit a bump? Also, at 45 mph, can you please just pick a damn gear and stick with it?
Truck: I’m sick and tired of getting dripped on every time it rains. Where is that water coming from? I’ve put enough sealant along the top of the windshield to patch the hole in the Titanic. Is it the stump of the old CB antenna up on the roof? I guess I should check.
MG: you’re good. Keep on keepin’ on.
Yukon: “SERVICE 4WD”? What the hell, man? I thought we were friends. And what’s this I hear about dashboard lights randomly cutting out once in a while?
’95 Miata, everybody talks about how Miatas are “just like old sports cars, except they don’t leak oil”. Umm, yeah. You leak oil. it’s like sticking a finger in the dike- as soon as one leak is fixed another makes itself known. It’s only a drop or two, but you VEX me.
Kia Soul, we’re cool. Just don’t burn my house down before you go in for the recall.
Mustang: Why does your ignition cylinder not stay in place? I’m tired of having to remember to hold you in when I turn you off. On the bright side I can take the whole thing out while you are running and nothing happens so it isn’t really a must fix issue. Also why hasn’t the dealer called saying the seat airbag is in? I’m tired of the warning light. But you more than make up for it by being so fun to drive.
Kia Soul: Keep on keeping on. No issues in the almost 6 years I’ve owned you. For a 2012 you’ve only needed brakes at 100,000km.
Wife’s Forester: Why must your front brakes be so loud. Lots of life on the pads, no odd wear on the rotors. Mechanic checked them and said they are fine and just loud. Doesn’t bother me by it does bother your primary driver.
I recently talked about how my 2009 Frontier was mostly reliable on these very pages. Then in the span of a week, the driver’s side window stuck down for a cold drive home (it eventually went back up after repeated door slams), and it stalled on the side of the road.
It eventually restarted, but I think a fuel pump job is in my future.
I had lots of issues with stalling recently on my 2005 Xterra. Not sure what your codes are, but the culprit turned out to be bad camshaft and crankshaft position sensors. Be sure to buy those direct from the dealer, because the hitachi once I purchased from rock did not work but the dealer spec ones solve the problem.
No codes, just lugged a little and shut down. The first couple of times I restarted it wouldn’t stay running, but it eventually did.
The Strike is arguably the best Seinfeld episode, and it likely contains the highest density of iconic Seinfeld moments of any single episode.
And now, on to the latest Airing of Grievances about my Saab 9-5.
The ACC (automatic climate control, i.e. the HVAC) system on this car appears to have had one single design brief: to incorporate as many fiddly, shitty, break-prone plastic components into the system’s operation as possible. The whole system was borked for *mysterious reasons* when I bought the car, and I have spent the last two months getting acquainted with those reasons and trying to resolve them.
The shitty plastic lever connecting the driver’s mixer motor to its damper had broken under the previous owner. The replacement “fix piece” was metal but made of two pieces held together with a set screw, which had proceeded at some point to stop set screwing and was entirely stripped for some reason. So I replaced it with a new metal fix piece. Still no driver’s side mixing and a new error code. Turns out the mixing motor has an internal gear reduction, and the gears were physically broken. So it got a new junkyard motor. Which, as of two days ago, has decided to have exactly the same problems, just as I’m trying to sell the car.
I was also not getting any proper air distribution, with air stuck going to the face vents. That stepper motor is also connected to its respective damper with a shitty plastic lever, which had sheared in half. That subsystem got a new junkyard lever, which…proceeded to also shear itself in half while I was clocking everything into alignment. It got a metal fix piece as well and nothing has at least broken with that subystem.
Saab 9-5 sedan, I mostly love you. Your B235E four-cylinder pulls like the 1MZ-FE V6 in my dearly departed Camry, your manual transmission is a delightful rarity, your ride and handling are daily driver decent, and your comfort is superb. At 240,000 miles, you still drive good enough for my BMW M8-driving brother to unironically label the experience of riding in you as “go-kart like”. But I just can’t get over your ACC system. You’re beautiful. You’re hideous. Goodbye.
Malfunctioning blend door motors and associated plastics and/or modules which control HVAC have bricked more used cars from the late 1990’s to today than most people expect.
I had an 03 explorer (worst car I’ve ever owned) that had blend door issues and I would just punch and kick the living shit out of the dash until i heard a “thunk” and the proper temp was coming out of the dash. I didn’t want to pull the dash out or pay someone to do it, it was high on the list of reasons I got rid of the thing.
I do love Saab 9-5’s, especially Aeros. So I completely understand the allure of these.
Thankfully the heater core itself is fine (I think). So there’s no pulling off the whole dash; just removing kick panels and cursing while upside-down with my head in the footwells.
Oh man do I feel your pain… cramped under-dash work is secretly some of the worst jobs to do on a lot of cars. Especially if you are not a tiny person.
I had a very similar experience on my (sold) S60 R.
I discovered shortly after caging my 96 that one thing worse than trying to work upside-down under a dash is trying to work upside-down under a dash with a cage spanning not only both door openings but also the bottom of the dash itself:
https://live.staticflickr.com/6020/5994072753_b3daa2ec54_c.jpg
Fortunately the subsequent work has involved only most, but not all, of the dash hardware. So far.
I’m guessing removing the seats is a timesaver for you, compared to the extra contortion to get under the dash.
That’s not a bad guess but in reality (1) thanks to my method of affixing the seats to the sliders and the sliders to the cage, it’s not a quick or easy matter to R&R them and (2) once removed, that just means I’ve got my back sprawled across the two cage tubes to which the seats mount, which is even less comfortable than dealing with the seats in place. The forward tube is visible here, in this shot taken during the build:
https://live.staticflickr.com/7017/6551171927_e1310c9bab_c.jpg
By the way, as long as I’m complaining, the parking brake handle doesn’t exactly help matters, especially since, by design, that’s as far down as it goes.
You choose to live an exciting but difficult automotive lifestyle, and I appreciate that you share it with us.
My two car fleet is built entirely of compromises.
Niro, I was excited to move to a PHEV when I bought you, so I didn’t actually take the time to consider everything. I wanted a color, but they made me a deal on the gray. You don’t have the utility of a wagon or a crossover, nor the fun of a hot hatch. But most of all, warranty work is an absolute pain in the ass at Kia dealerships, and you’ve managed to require it on both propulsion systems.
Silverado, you’re too big–I wanted a smaller pickup, but you were cheaper. You’re a two-tone without managing to include an actual color. I don’t really want to drop your fuel tank or lift your bed off, so replacing a fuel pump is a pain. And your fuel efficiency makes me unwilling to take you anywhere.
Both of you take up all the space I can manage for vehicles, and neither of you is fun enough or useful enough to justify it. I’d like to replace the two of you with one useful, reliable, and relatively efficient vehicle, then maybe get something fun down the road.
I think people with exactly your two-car garage are the target market for the Maverick hybrid.
I almost bought one. I had a build date and everything. But I’ve decided that what I want is a reasonably nice small SUV, instead. I don’t use my pickup for much that couldn’t be accomplished in an enclosed vehicle (though I’ll have to be a bit more careful about leaving stuff soaked in river water in the back). Also, my girlfriend is unreasonably anti-Maverick for some reason, so I’m shopping other things.
I’m really hoping Mazda gets the CX-50 hybrid right. My default “I need one car that does everything” recommendation has historically been the Rav-4 hybrid, but it would be nice to give a recommendation that don’t involve engaging with Toyota dealers and their markup nonsense for months at a time.
Yeah, that one could be a winner. And the Rav isn’t just hard to get–it also has as much tire roar and more wind noise than other things its size (and without feeling engaging). I thought I would move up to the Sportage PHEV, but I don’t want to deal with Kia.
I’m also considering going full EV–the Lyriq/Blazer or the Equinox are in the running, since it appears they still believe in having physical controls for things. The Mach E would have been an option if they hadn’t put everything into the touchscreen. You go into a menu to change drive mode. It’s ridiculous.
I’m currently weighing whether or not to replace my deer-trashed Accord (good for nothing, honestly, other than running dependably and getting good gas milage) with a second CR-V (#1 is at 156K, needs a new clutch, but runs like a Swiss watch) or a Maverick, preferably the hybrid. I need a 4-door something with an outside bed I can use to haul stuff—and I see a lot of hauling in the future with the FIL nearing 85. But the Maverick is a tough sell with my wife.
My lovely Kia, you started losing your clearcoat at 60K, you ate an engine at 70K, you decided you wanted a new manual transmission at 77K, then you got greedy and wanted new front wheel bearing assemblies at 80K. You brown manual, please live until car prices come back to a norm.
Thanks to Kia warranty, all repairs were free, except the clearcoat
Alright Red truck. I know you and I have had a lot of ups and downs the past few years, but shit has been hard. I need you to stop consuming oil. I need you to stop fouling plugs. In return, maybe I’ll stop using you as storage. Deal?
Betsy, for a 2018 Miata, you’re gettin on my nerves. I know you’ve got a convertible top. I know those can leak. They ain’t supposed to for years. Get your shit together cause I’m tired of having a wet ass when I climb in after its been raining. Its Florida. Its almost always raining. Also, I acknowledge that Mazda dropped the ball with your AC line and they’ve released three or four god damned revisions to the part in an effort to keep it from breaking, but you’re like 98% stock. There’s no harsh vibrations (except what you get from Tampa’s streets, and… well…) and nothing to increase NVH, so stop vibrating cracks in that fucker.
Its Florida. I’m hot. Even now when its nice out it gets hot outside. Stop being a butt.
Susie, you are perfect, and I love you.
All the rest of you 4-wheeled assholes out there? Get cheaper. This shit ain’t fun with prices as they are now.
What’s the red truck? I’m curious.
A white ’93 F150. 4.9L, E4OD, 2WD
Nice! Maybe you’ve got a stuck ring or two? Especially if it sits.
Nah, fresh bottom end. Likely a bad valve stem seal, I didn’t rebuild the head as it checked out as decent and I was short on funds
Ah, makes sense. I had an older truck with the same issue (fouling plugs as well). I started using only 10w-40 M1 high mileage and it did help with that. This was on a 2009 5.3 LS motor, so an old 4.9 straight six would be very happy with the 10w-40.