It’s a natural and healthy thing to rebel against your parents which, in my case, meant becoming slightly religious when I got older. You see, we didn’t go to church on Christmas, but my father was the first person I knew of to put up a Festivus pole. The concept of a “Festivus for the rest of us” appealed to him deeply as he found tinsel distracting.
For those who are unaware (ahem, David), Festivus was created as an alternative to Christmas by the writer Dan O’Keefe way back in the 1960s. The reason why the rest of us know about it is that O’Keefe’s son, Dan, was a writer for the American television program Seinfeld and, in 1997, aired the episode entitled “The Strike.” In this episode, George Costanza’s dad Frank (played perfectly by Jerry Stiller) explains the rules of the holiday.
This strange tradition includes a pole (my dad loved the pole), a dinner that includes a feat of strength, and an “airing of grievances” that allows all the people at dinner to list their interpersonal qualms. Or, as Frank puts it:
I gotta lotta problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it!
In honor of this tradition, I invite all of you to take a moment from bravely facing down your current fleet of cars and just kvetch a little.
I’ll start, specifically focusing on my Subaru Forester.
I gotta lotta problems with you, Subaru! It’s not enough that you look anonymously boring. It’s not enough that your fuel economy is poor. You’ve somehow required two new front lower control arms (one for each side) in less than 70,000 miles of driving! And wheel bearings in the rear at 60,000 miles?!? The stock tires were junk. The battery barely lasted three years. You’re a reasonably well-designed car, but you’re a poorly built car. Love is definitely not what makes a Subaru, a Subaru.
Ok, your turn. Get the pole out of the crawlspace and let your cars have it.
To my 2018 RAV4 that has never had an issue. Your crappy automatic transmission doesn’t understand hilly 50mph roads and constantly hunts for the right gear. We despise you and miss our Manual vehicles. Why can’t I sell you on FB marketplace? All I get is “is this available” from people who seem like bots. I just want you gone so I can get back into an interesting vehicle. Life is too short for boring cars.
01 Land Rover Discovery. Your newest problem is corrosion on the connections inside jcase fuses. Why would I trust you to drive across the Sahara but cannot rely on you to get to and from work?
To my Miata: Why does your windshield attract rocks so bad? Why do you have some strange ass windshield that Safelite can’t find the right part number for and so (because of corporate incompetence/cheapness) keep sending the wrong windshield to the shop.
My ’03 Mini went through so many windshields. I swear it was like a rock magnet. My dad accused me of driving too close to others, until we were out on the road in that car and a rock kicked up by a car going the other direction hit square at his eye level. I was like “I told you!”
to the 525i: Why can’t I find the fucking vibration at 70mph?!?!? What the hell, everything looks good and new brakes and tires didn’t help at all.
To the Ram 2500: so damn thirsty.
to the cj5: Why can’t I ever find time to drive you?
To my wife’s honda pilot: Ok you are out of warranty now, don’t be a bitch.
Camry: you are a strong soldier and do your job admirably day in and day out with no complaint. I regularly gift you with new oil and fresh fluids and you deliver.
Corolla: You have been a faithful companion for my wife and daughter on their adventures, but I smelled a whiff of coolant on your breathe last week. A small pink stain on your radiator makes me fear a coolant system rebuild is coming soon.
MDX: I know I don’t drive you enough and you sit more than you should. I hope the new timing belt/tensioner/water pump combo recently installed and the new battery will help ease your pain.
Jeep Grand Cherokee 5.2l: It never ends with you. Your engine rebuild was going smoothly, if slowly, but of course your exhaust valve ports just had to be pitted and now I have to figure out if a machine shop can fix it or if I should just replace your heads entirely. Just adding to the pile of my minor responsibilities I may or may not get to..
Dodge Grand Caravan: I just fixed the leak you had from your waterpump over the summer, why must you now be leaking from the lower radiator hose? Especially as winter is upon us and it’s too damn cold to be working on the cold garage floor.
Dear 2014 Mini Countryman 4S: you frustrated me from the start with your form-over-function insistence on making things round which should be rectangles (infotainment, hvac vents, etc.) and an e-brake handle which takes up an inordinate amount of space in a subcompact vehicle. The brakes getting replaced 2x under warranty before I just put appropriately-spec’d aftermarket units on? Borderline irresponsible. The alternator dying around 30,000 miles, taking the battery and A/C with it, and then losing another battery when the ground stud RUSTED OFF at 40,000 miles? Shame, shame, shame!
I still drive you because you’re paid off and don’t take up much space in the garage, but if I win the lottery you’re being replaced with a Macan immediately.
Anna (my not exactly stock VW), your extremely expensive Michelin SUMMER ONLY tires that the previous owner fitted to you on very expensive Neuspeed wheels mean you are a garage queen for the next few months. I just can’t bring myself to pull off those lovely Michelin Pilots to throw on a set of all seasons.
So, you FORCED me to buy a Saabaru 9-2x to be my winter DD. Just what I needed, another car. Just me and my SO in the house, but somehow we have 5 cars.
Hello from a past 9-2x owner, there’s a few of us around here! That’d be some basic transportation these days, but perfect choice in a winter beater.
Yeah, oddly enough, it’s my second time owning the same exact car. I sold it in 2018, and somehow stumbled upon it for sale again a few months ago. Nostalgia was strong, and I bought it back. I call it our beater, but that’s only by comparison to our other cars. It’s got hail dents on the hood and more door dings than is reasonable, but zero rust, and it is 100% mechanically good. And it is just a Linear trim, not the more fun Aero.
On Monday I lost my own “Holy Grail” daily driver, a ’12 Mazda 5 with the 6MT. Some douche-bag texter rear ended me as I was pulling into my driveway (he was doing about 55mph) which punted me past my driveway, through the ditch, and into a tree. On my own property! So, the car was totaled. I bought it new in June of ’11 and it’s been a fantastic family ride for 218k miles. This thing was MINT. Now I’m distraught and don’t know what to do as a replacement. Back to driving our tow vehicle, an ’08 V8 Pathfinder which is NOT gas friendly until I sort out a new daily.
RIP Mazda Savage. We loved you dearly.
Oh that blows – so sorry to hear it. What a great vehicle, and your ethos is mine too – buy a new vehicle and then keep it going (and nice) for as long as possible. Hope you find something you like soon.
The Clio is giving me grief to no end. I heard a “bearing noise” which I thought was coming from the front right side, so I swapped the bearing.
After struggling with the fucker for a while, I put everything back together only to realize that one of the threads for the brake caliper bracket is toast.
Then I changed the entire fucking knuckle and the noise is still there, so I changed the right side half shaft which didn’t change shit.
I’ll try and do the left side but this job is really starting to get on my nerves as I fucking need my winter beater right now
The Dreaded Laramie? You earned that name. That’s all I need to say.
Dear 2010 Subaru Outback,
I know your catalytic converter is old, but it had a good life. Why can’t we let it rest now?
But you don’t even let it die with the dignity of just the CEL. You have to disable the cruise control, the traction control, *and* flash the parking break light? My dashboard looks like it’s decorated for the holidays, yet it does not fill me with cheer.
my 2005 9-2x would also disable cruise control when the CEL was on (which was often, due to my insistence on modifications). So annoying.
Really (NUMI factory days) Chevy?
You had to add your minimally different, front fascia sheet metal to differentiate your little Prism from the Corolla?
Things were going just fine with my little five speed city run about, park anywhere and don’t care.
Damn you interloping antelope-ish ruminants!
The Toyota panels are easier to find and cheaper, but they don’t quite fit right.
Velma dear, I know you’re not just a Buell but also a Harley, and I know you’ve become your own idiosyncratic self over 23 years, but the last two times we rode further than 20 miles, you broke down. At this point, if I want to take a longer trip, I gotta take, what, the Zero???
Trucklet, you’re all right for the miles and the price, but I am SO TIRED of your convex’d pressboard headliner brushing my head. And let’s not even talk about the random misses and inability to drive up a hill at any kind of speed. Maybe when Charlene gets back from the shop I can get your injectors cleaned, but ya better SHAPE UP, ya hear?
Lucretia, my darling MR2. Crisha-isha, baby girl, you have emotionally wrecked me this year. You have brought shame unto me. You have contributed to my depression and thus stole time away from me that I could have spent with a friend who tragically died a shocking death over the summer. We could have been out playing with Amber and her MR2-D2, but you chose to be broken and difficult. You have made me doubt and hate myself more than usual. I rescued you from death 6 years ago and this is how you repay me? I love you, but you’ve punched me in the soul
I’ve got a lot problems with Honda dreamshop. The entire motocompacto sales approach has been the worst thought out sales idea since subscription Cadillacs. I honestly don’t care when it comes, just would like to be able to access my order online like any other online purchase I make.