Ahh, idiocy. Who amongst us doesn’t enjoy indulging in a nice little dose of absolute top-shelf, double-oaked, well-aged dumbassery every now and then? I helped myself to a nice, big, brimming tankard of idiocy this weekend, where I decided to cap off a little canoeing outing with my kid by driving my truck right into a fucking ditch, you know, like a drooling simpleton would! The ditch was right there, I’d seen it as I entered the parking lot – hell, I even slid the canoe over it to get it back into the truck – and yet, somehow, as I was exiting, I managed to not see it at all, not even a little, until I’d planted the whole front axle very nicely and deeply into it. Way to go, Jayjay! Another triumph! The F-150 is out and fine, but I still feel kinda like a dumbass.
I think I may have been able to back out of the ditch were it not for one little complication: this bit of drainage pipe:
Ooof. This little exciting detail meant that I needed to get the truck yanked sideways about a foot before it could be extracted from the ditch. Incredibly, that tire was just fine, and there was pretty much zero damage to the truck at all. Sure, the FARM USE license plate up front got a little wrinkled up, but other than some dirt, there’s not a scratch or dent on this beast.
I sure hope I learned some kind of lesson here.
Our little canoeing excursion was in the HMS Terror – for those of you who may not know, that’s my crappy canoe, a canoe so impressively shitty it once inspired this remarkable email:
I wrote about buying a cheap-ass canoe and hauling it on my Pao and I got this email from a man very, very angry that someone on the internet bought a sub-par canoe. He's worried about my relationship with my son because of my crappy canoe. I'm baffled by this. It's fascinating. pic.twitter.com/w0857ji8tD
— Jason Torchinsky (@JasonTorchinsky) July 21, 2020
I later followed up with that guy and learned he was a former editor of Canoeing magazine and had sent that very email from a boat off the coast of New Zealand! He found my canoe so catastrophically sub-par he had to email me, likely via some sort of satellite internet connection – from the other side of the fucking globe. People, man. The hell is wrong with us?
We did see a lot of strange things as we canoe’d in my misshapen potato, including a lot of fires in the forests around the lake, like this one in a tree:
Was this from lightning? The remains of a controlled burn? It appeared that large areas of the forest were burned recently, and there were still a few fires like these. We put this one out and a few others, which I hope was okay. If it was a sort of controlled burn, it didn’t look that controlled, and besides, I think most of the burning was completed. I’m not sure. It just felt wrong to leave a tree on fire.
We did meet this guy, though, He’s wondering if you’d like to read his screenplay. It starts at the end and works backwards!
Oh, also I’m heading to the Hyundai Ioniq 6 drive today, so let me know what you’re curious about for that car!
Oh, good grief. I’m the editor of nothing, but even if there was a Puffalumps Monthly or whatever to edit, I still wouldn’t send someone a rude email telling them to take up Cabbage Patch or Power Rangers instead.
What’s funny is I expect Torch laughed to himself at the dumbest move & then immediately thought to post a short story here to share with all of us. Since O expect nearly all of us have, (on more than one occasion), perfectly executed equally or even more dumbest moves ourselves.
Since shirley the statute of limitations has run out… 1 (of many car related) examples: when I was a young driving age lad, I decided I’d have a little fun after 6″ of fresh snow & brake the end loose on a 90(ish) degree corner since there were no other cars out, while driving a 4 door 78′ Olds Cutlass Supreme (6.3 liter, rear wheel drive). Braking the rear end out was naturally very easy even at low speed (20ish mph). What I didn’t/couldn’t know was some silly person decided to put some of them there black ice underneath that particular corner under the 6″ of fresh snow. Leading me to accidently drive enough into a stop sign to bend it over ever so slightly. Being young & dumb & a little scared I straightened the stop sign pole back perpendicular to the ground and continued on my way.
Holy cow, my life for an edit button
“Dumb” not “dumbest” (twice even)
“I” not “O”
I think the lesson is that 55 HP crap boxes are not always the right answer. Not great for canoes or dumbassery while driving. And the extended period for parts from the last dinky toy mashup with a woodland creature make old odd and kind of cool things a great argument for opting for a tank of a pickup with parts everywhere.
The hate mail you guys get is so incredibly well done, I have to wonder if they actually mean it or are just giving you writing material.
Canoe man’s comments of suggesting that an inept man take his son hunting is egregious. First, Torch is not inept, second, to suggest someone play the darwinism game with loaded weapons is across the line.
I hope that “little man in the canoe” stays lost to most men, as he should remain.
Love the name HMS Terror. I recommend you don’t use it to find the NorthWest passage. The last ship named the HMS Terror didn’t do well there…
You didn’t put that fire out, you just drove it into hiding 🙂
You drove a pickup into a ditch? Here’s your American Citizen card. I liked Canoe Man’s email. Sounds like he’s asking you if you have “any house.”
That email is spectacularly awesome, especially the dig about Jason’s son.
Ah an old aluminum canoe. Brings up memories of rental canoes. Torch’s seems in much better shape than the ones we saw being rented. Tried one one time, and aluminum sticks to rocks and doesn’t slide over them well. Fiberglass kayaks are much better at glancing off rocks.
Anyway, all of the rentals were emblazoned with the owner’s name. W.C. Bob Trowbridge. We all called them Water Closet Bob’s boats.
My buddy got an aluminum canoe for free that had been sitting so long that the gunwales just stuck above the ground. A little shovel work and he had a nice canoe that still floats.
That email is incredible. I like how the guy took a veiled shot at your yard too.
“You can insult me, my canoe, and my relationship with my son. But I’ll be damned if you’ll insult my yard! Have at you, sir!”
It’s like the more polite version of the AMC fanboy who threatened to kick David Tracy’s ass. People on the internet are weird.
Hey, YOU’RE a person on the internet! Weirdo!
Oh. Wait. So am I.
Well, I’M certainly not!
Bunch of freaks.
🙂
I write record reviews online. Years ago I wrote an honest but scathing review of a reprehensibly awful record. The band leader sent me an email threatening to kick my ass.