Hello! It’s you! I’m so happy to see you!
Boy, have the last few days not gone the way I’d planned. I was supposed to go to Stuttgart, see some great stuff there (which I did, and you’ll hear about soon), then go to Goodwood in the UK, but for whatever dumb reason my idiot body thought it would be cooler to get 102° fevers and keep soaking me in sweat and make me spend far too long in a German hospital named after the guy who made the distributor in my old Beetle and my doctors at home were freaking out because if I got an “infection” in my “graft” it would be “catastrophic” and so I tried to head home but everything got delayed and right now I’m in a sweat-soaked bed in a Montreal hotel room, in the least sexy interpretation of those words. Oy.
Also, the inside of my mouth hurts like hell. Tongue, too. I can barely eat. What is this? I hate complaining about medical stuff. I’m so sick of it! I just want to get back to ignoring my health completely, like a True American, please. I have to go to the ER right when I get back and I’ll be in the hospital yet afuckingain. I can tell you this in confidence, because I know you’ll keep it between us, but I am so fucking tired of hospitals and all of this mess.
Okay, enough complaining. Whew. Thanks for letting me vent all that out. As a reward, here’s all the interesting cars I saw on the streets of Stuttgart!
I should note that for the most part, the car-scape of Stuttgart is a bit of a letdown, considering the city is home to Porsche and Mercedes-Benz. Well, it’s probably only a letdown if you let yourself indulge in some overly optimistic thinking, assuming the city is crawling with Porsche 356s and gull-wing Benzes and that sort of thing, which, of course, it isn’t. But there’s still some good stuff, like this:
Yes, a Smart Roadster! Of course, we never got these little charmers in America, so it’s always a treat to see them and their fantastic three-lug steelies. These things are so much fun, why aren’t more people starting to import them to the US?
Oh, here’s another strange-to-Americans-Smart:
Remember the Smart ForFour? It was a Mitsubishi, interestingly re-bodied! It was colored to look like it had the Smart safety cell thing, but I’m not sure if it actually had something unique or if the unibody was just painted one color and the fenders and door skins and hood another? Whatever it was, these things are oddly appealing now, I think.
Screw it, we’re already going on about Smarts, so here’s one more:
In case you were wondering if Smart ForTwo people actually take advantage of the perpendicular street parking thing, they definitely do.
Oh, this isn’t car-related, but likely will feel deeply wrong to Americans:
Hellman’s ketchup and Heinz mayonnaise? What the hell is going on here? What kind of weird-ass mirror universe is this? Do chairs sit on people? Will my burger eat me?
Also interesting to note is that the default stand-in everycar icon used on signs like these seems to be a first-generation Volkswagen Golf. I saw it on a number of signs. I’m glad they seemingly haven’t updated it since 1979 or so.
I’m sort of a sucker for these Renault Kangoos; this looks like a first-gen one, which was made between 1997 and 2009, which I guess is enough time for all that green paint to escape. I think these have so much character for a utility vehicle. In a similar vein, I love these, too:
The Skoda Roomster! What an odd design; it’s almost like a completely different car aft of the B-pillar, but somehow I think it works. It’s pleasingly spaceshippy.
Like most of the world, Stuttgart is mostly filled with boringly grayscale cars; there are some exceptions, like this happily yellow Citroën DS3 Sport, which is pretty exuberant for a modern car.
Some other worthy chromatic examples are this fantastic little blue Renault Twingo, one of my favorite cheap-car designs of the last 50 years, and this nice red Opel Astra, which I think is a mid-90s vintage one?
Oh, and look at this:
I had no idea UPS was operating these interesting three-wheeled e-bike cargo vehicles, but it seems they’ve been doing it since 2012! I’m sure in this heat that driver would prefer the air-conditioned cab of something, but, hell, in the US our mail trucks still aren’t all equipped with AC, either.
As an aside, I’d appreciate it if someone could explain to me what this sign means. Pay attention to couples with a floating orb? Groups with a third guy with a tall but invisible body, meet here? Look at them? What is this?
There weren’t that many old cars on the roads of Stuttgart, but there were some. Here’s the good stuff I happened to see:
Hey, what a lovely old VW Bus!
This looks like a maybe ’76-’79 or so one? I’m not entirely sure, but it’s in beautiful shape. This thing glinted and gleamed like a ruby and the engine rattled in just that perfect way.
I also saw a Vanagon/T3 Type 2 bus, possibly a Synchro, but maybe not. This one had an interesting bubble window and no rear side windows, along with a Westfalia pop-up camper roof and towing a lot of bikes and equipment. Someone is very much enjoying this machine.
Look how good this old Ford Sierra looks! I don’t know these very well, as we never got them in America, but I think this is one of the facelifted Mk.2 ones, from around 1990 to 1993. These were handsome, sporty sedans!
Okay, one last treat. See this Mercedes-Benz/Steyr-Puch G-Wagen? This one is special. This was used as a support vehicle by Porsche’s Dakkar rally teams, which means it has something special under the hood:
That’s a Porsche V8 from the 928! Look how well they crammed that in there, and I like that big-ass crossbrace. Also, look how well-protected these turn indicators are:
Damn, that’s a well-protected turn indicator! Nothing in the desert is going to keep turns from being indicated!
And finally, we have this charming Mk.2 (technically, a facelifted Mk.1) Ford Transit! I bet this is from around, oh, 1982 or so? I love this thing; look at the odd rear wheelarch insert there! It’s a very friendly and charming seeming sort of van. Also, looks quite roomy!
Oh, by chance while getting some anti-fever meds I happened to see this sculpture by one of my favorite artists, Alexander Calder! It’s called Crinkly with a Red Disc, from 1973! That’s always a treat!
And finally, I did at least get a ride in David’s wonderful Chrysler diesel minivan, because he drove me all the way to the Frankfurt airport after being up till 4 am with me in an uncomfortable hospital, because that’s the kind of pal David is.
I’ve seen what some of you monsters have said about David and his many, many questionable automotive (and hygiene) decisions over the years, and I’ve read the absurd vitriol hurled his way from both sides of the inane Cybertruck Wars, and I just want to remind everyone that they should be so lucky to have a friend like David. So maybe just consider that the next time you’re about to castigate him for what you see as either fellating or flagellating Elon. So there.
