Here’s A New Thing To Be Creeped Out By: Cold Start

Cs Dummy 1
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Maybe it’s got something to do with that Uncanny Valley I’ve heard so much about and bought some time-shares in, or maybe it’s just some other bit of human nature, but whatever it is I can’t deny that old ventriloquist dummies and similar sorta-real vintage dolls creep me the fudge out. If you feel you’re immune to such creepiness, then I’d invite you to browse these images of these sorts of dolls and dummies in vintage pedal cars, as seen in a pictorial in the 1974 Volume 12, number 1 edition of Automobile Quarterly.

I love Automobile Quarterly, and respect their willingness to cover things like pedal cars as they did in Court van Rooten’s excellent article, Putting the Kids on Wheels, but whomever’s idea it was to stick ventriloquist dummies into the pedal cars for the pictorial part was one savage, cruel mothertruster.

I mean, just look at them. Look at that one up top, into the strange, dead eyes of that dummy and tell me that little freak isn’t going to ride squeakily up to your bed in that pedal car one night and try to extract your soul out of your nostrils, because you know that’s his devious little plan.

Or how about this one:

Cs Dummy 2

You know she’ll rotate her head slowly to look at you and say some shit like “let’s play…forever!” in some high, squeaky voice, and if you’re even remotely human, you’ll flood your pants with piping-hot fear-urine.

Cs Dummy 3

Gaaaah! I do not trust this fucker. No way. That sawdust-filled bastard is sizing you up, calculating every bit of value he can get by kidnapping you and selling you for gods knows what to gods knows who. I think that particular dummy is known as Mortimer Snerd, one of the famous Edgar Bergen’s unholy homunculi, and seems to have some sort of idiot persona:

Yeah, I don’t trust that dummy one bit. Of course, Bergen was best known for his use of this wealthy-looking dummy named Charlie McCarthy, who also makes an appearance here:

Cs Dummy 4

Yeah, he’s creepy too, but he looks more like he’ll pay some goons to work you over instead of doing the deed himself.

Cs Dummy 5

Then we have this peculiar two-page spread of a large Mr.Magoo doll, jowls and all, in a large pedal car. And for some reason, Mr.Magoo is wearing a GE-branded sweater? Did GE ever work with Magoo?

In case you’re unfamiliar with Mr.Magoo, he was a character in a ’50s-era cartoon about an old rich guy with terrible vision, and that near-blindness forms the basis of pretty much everything that happens to him, which usually revolves around him getting into situations that almost get him or the people around him killed.

He also seems to have been a vintage car enthusiast, as you can see here:

How is this man licensed to drive? And those roller coasters and railroads need to drastically improve their safety and security systems.

I do like that this pedal car article includes this bit:

Cs Dummy 6

They let some kids try them out, and the best part is the graph of the acceleration curve up there. Is the jaggedness of that curve related to the cycle of the pedals being depressed?

Anyway, sorry to creep you out so vigorously this morning, but I had to see these, so, you know, you have to also. Them’s the rules.

 

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Mercedes Streeter

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39 thoughts on “Here’s A New Thing To Be Creeped Out By: Cold Start”

  2. I fondly remember the bright red VW Beetle pedal car that was purchased for me from Sears for my 4th Birthday in 1969.
    Why did I choose a Beetle rather than a Firetruck or whatever?
    Because I had just seen “The Love Bug” at the theatre that spring!

    (If I could attach photos of myself driving around the house and harassing the dog with the car, I’d post them here)

  3. I fondly remember the bright red VW Beetle pedal car that was purchased for me from Sears for my 4th Birthday in 1969.
    Why did I choose a Beetle rather than a Firetruck or whatever?
    Because I had just seen “The Love Bug” at the theatre that spring!

    (If I could attach photos of myself driving around the house and harassing the dog with the car, I’d post them here)

  4. You should also consider this image of Bob Stuart’s home-built adult pedal car, the Carcycle X4:

    https://imgur.com/JPbwM0T

    That looks like a cross between Peewee Herman and Total Recall’s Johnny Cab!

    This vehicle is also described in the following article:

    https://microship.com/bob-stuart/

    Of course, I look like a rolling creepshow riding my homebuilt electric velomobile around dressed like Edward Scissorhands, but I don’t have any photos of me doing that.

    Here’s a delightful song to complete the vibe:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfLU3Mv_O9w

  5. You should also consider this image of Bob Stuart’s home-built adult pedal car, the Carcycle X4:

    https://imgur.com/JPbwM0T

    That looks like a cross between Peewee Herman and Total Recall’s Johnny Cab!

    This vehicle is also described in the following article:

    https://microship.com/bob-stuart/

    Of course, I look like a rolling creepshow riding my homebuilt electric velomobile around dressed like Edward Scissorhands, but I don’t have any photos of me doing that.

    Here’s a delightful song to complete the vibe:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfLU3Mv_O9w

    1. and yet this film version of wheelers isn’t as disturbing as much as the drawn version in the original books. (no i’m not that old, but when i was a kid, my dad thought used bookstores were free child care.)

    1. and yet this film version of wheelers isn’t as disturbing as much as the drawn version in the original books. (no i’m not that old, but when i was a kid, my dad thought used bookstores were free child care.)

  14. R.L. Stein taught me at a very young age, to never trust a ventriloquist dummy.

    As for Mr. Magoo, I somehow brought this up a few days ago on here for some reason, but I’ll say it again, Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol is an underrated Christmas special.

  15. R.L. Stein taught me at a very young age, to never trust a ventriloquist dummy.

    As for Mr. Magoo, I somehow brought this up a few days ago on here for some reason, but I’ll say it again, Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol is an underrated Christmas special.

  16. Coming across these at a car show would be infinitely worse than the stupid time out dolls. I would probably turn around and walk the other way.

    1. Walk? You’d better run, because those creepy little bastards will be following you while whisper-singing children’s songs.

  17. Coming across these at a car show would be infinitely worse than the stupid time out dolls. I would probably turn around and walk the other way.

    1. Walk? You’d better run, because those creepy little bastards will be following you while whisper-singing children’s songs.

      1. That’s what “ventriloquists” want you to believe. There’s no such thing as ventriloquism, just spooky haunted dolls that make those poor saps perform with them.

      1. That’s what “ventriloquists” want you to believe. There’s no such thing as ventriloquism, just spooky haunted dolls that make those poor saps perform with them.

  24. If I see any of these pedal cars out in the wild being piloted by these creepy dolls, I am running them over with my car.

    No hesitation.

    I have SEEN THIS MOVIE, and I am taking ZERO CHANCES.

  25. If I see any of these pedal cars out in the wild being piloted by these creepy dolls, I am running them over with my car.

    No hesitation.

    I have SEEN THIS MOVIE, and I am taking ZERO CHANCES.

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