No worries. No dramas. She’ll be right — these are three of the most commonly-refrained words from my host, Laurence, and possibly from Australians at large. Unfortunately, I have no idea what they mean, because I was told that I should have “no worries” about the 215 cubic-inch Hemi 6 engine that Laurence had bought on my behalf to replace the thoroughly-ruined Slant Six in my kangaroo-hunting ute. Unfortunately, the replacement motor was nothing but worries.
Things have started out pretty rough for Project Cactus, the $900 kangaroo-hunting ute that I bought from the bush in Australia, and that I’ve had a total of four weeks to fix before the Deni Ute Muster country music festival/ute show/unhinged party. The car that I thought I’d be repairing was in such bad shape that I had no choice but to instead fix the parts car (that’s when you know it’s bad), which lacked basic things like “any interior whatsoever,” a door, a tailgate, a windshield, an engine, a transmission, a driveshaft, and on and on. Yes, the car I had planned to fix was in such bad shape that it made more sense to start with a bare shell instead.
Still, as daunting as fixing that was, I took solace in the fact that at least my motor troubles were sorted. Laurence had snagged me a nice Hemi 6 engine from a friend to replace the rusted-out Slant Six in the kangaroo ute. The replacement engine, Laurence assured me, would run just fine. I was thrilled not only because I now had a major component of the build sorted, but I also now had a fascinating, Australia-engineered engine to put into my ute.
Keen to see if I could expect to do any valve lapping to get the motor to run properly, or if the engine was likely to burn oil, I set about running a compression test. Since the motor came with a starter motor bolted to a three-speed transmission’s bell housing, we could actually turn the engine over right there on the garage floor. Or so we thought:
I hooked my Optima battery to the starter motor: click. I tried again: click click. Hmm.
I removed the starter motor from the bell housing, hooked the battery to it, and watched the pinion gear spin over with vigor. “Well, maybe we’re in third gear or something,” Laurence offered. He was right; the transmission hadn’t been in neutral. So we tried again.
Click. What now?!
We shoved a camera into the bore to see if there was anything amiss. There was.
At the bottom of each cylinder, atop each piston, was a bunch of what looked like oily mud. Here it is on a clear brake hose I shoved into the spark plug holes:
This didn’t look good.
Laurence and I chucked a breaker bar onto the crankshaft, and tried giving it a spin. It was locked solid. No matter how much force we put on the end of that four-foot pipe, the engine just wouldn’t turn over.
Removing the cylinder head revealed why:
The dirt and mud on the pistons weren’t ideal, but the biggest issue was the diamond-hard rust buildup on the cylinder walls. No piston rings were going to slide on that. This engine was kaput, and we had to find another. And we had to try to, you know, build the whole car and get it through New South Wales’ ridiculously strict inspection — all within four weeks. Keep an eye out here on The Autopian, as I crank up my coverage of the impossible shitshow that is Project Cactus.
Ah. The rust just follows you, David. Oxide must be your middle name. Lol.
Give it up. Come home and get back to work on YOUR website. I’ve nearly forgotten what real DT writing sounds like. This last month certainly wasn’t a good one for DT. Sad, just sad!
“The replacement engine, Laurence assured me, would run just fine.”
LoL! Only David Tracy could look at such an engine and think it had even a remote chance of running fine.
Is, is that… Marmite?
We use Vegemite here sport.
I wouldn’t let that thing in the same room with my papers.
I’m really here (reading Autopian) for the DT stories. I hope he is getting a break from the editing duties, because writing about seemingly impossible wrenching tales and outlandish road trips is just what he does best.
I imagine some of the due diligence that he COULD/SHOULD do – is foregone intentionally, with the idea that this will result in even more bizarre and creative outcomes. Carry on David!
I’m not saying Laurence is currently under a bus, but at this point, why isn’t he being thrown in there? I half-expect the next story to end with, “Laurence assured me that there’s a perfectly functional Valiant down that very dark alley. We shall see!”
I have to echo many comments here – I said it before in the comments (looks like it got deleted) that this seemed like click-bait from the start. I really like David and his articles, but this was so absurd and impossible it’s like.. really man?
Someone said it earlier – A longer-term project would be much more interesting, with normal timelines and cool updates. I also expected WAY more regular updates on this presuming this car was being worked on every minute of every day, there must be content for days. Instead, we get weekly updates on stuff we already knew (i.e. the lengthy post about the parts car being the main car).
Looking forward to the next project for sure.
Sure that now Spring is springing down under, someone is looking for their old boat anchor…
I really think this is an elaborate ruse where David doesn’t leave the country with both of his kidneys.
You went real far to see 2 real bad vehicles, just seems like a waste. Stupid project really does cover it.
I know better, but I am starting to worry that this is going to end up with David sitting on an old tire in that garage, covered in dirt. He then looks up at Laurence with tears in his eyes. “We’re not gonna make it.”
“I know, mate,” says Laurence looking down while wiping his hands on a rag. “I know.”
“WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT!” yells David, tears rolling down the grease on his face. He throws the ratchet in his hand at the ute, easily punching a hole in the rusty fender. “For the first time in my life, I have failed! Do you know what this means? Everything I have built my reputation on is GONE!” He leaps to his feet. “EVERYTHING!”
“It’s OK David,” said Laurence, his worry coming out in his voice. “You can’t fix them all.”
“YES I CAN! YES I CAN!” David starts throwing things around the garage.
With that, David falls to the floor and curls into a fetal position, screaming and sobbing, completing his descent into madness.
“David! Stop it! We can still go to the Muster!”
“NOOOOOO!”
“There’ll be beer.”
“…..did you say beer?”
As others have said, I know you’re always up for a challenge, but this just seems like a series of unforced errors between buying a Ute with no structural integrity, buying a “parts ute” with very few usable parts and buying an engine without verifying that it does indeed at least turn over. You don’t have to fish so far downstream for cars and parts to impress us, my man. Due diligence is your friend.
It would’ve been impressive enough for you to get something in much better condition (low bar) through inspection and on the road in four weeks.
Seeing as how the festival has already happened and you haven’t posted any updates on social media, I’m very, very curious how this has played out. Hoping you’re writing the stories on a lag and a miracle will be revealed in the coming weeks! But we shall see.
As somebody said, the Deni Ute Muster festival….. already happened. Sept 30- Oct 1, 2022. So this is all just a fevered dream flashback. DT, you already know how this ends… this is getting painful. https://www.deniutemuster.com.au/
Looking for someone with more knowledge and experience here.
I have never personally rebuilt an engine. I have had others rebuild engines that I swapped into my cars and we once had a Chris Craft boat with a seized engine (like David, the extra leverage wouldn’t turn the engine) that was saved but it seems like this engine can be saved with a complete tear-down and rebuild. (Which doesn’t fit DT’s timeframe, I acknowledge.)
Am I wacky for thinking the engine IS salvageable, given a generous time and money budget?
As long as you don’t have a cracked block, it should be salvageable with some machining. I am not sure how much you can bore the cylinders out on one of these, but that would be the way to do it. Bore it out, replace the pistons and rings with an oversized set, get a valve job, and sort out anything else it needs. It is all just lead time, which David did not have to begin with.
This whole saga reminds me of watching an American reality competition TV show vs a British one. The drama has been turned up to “Mad Max Fury Road” level and I just can’t… Thanks, but my life already filled its stress quota!
I guess all that spam snuck in thru Down Under…..
I have the greatest respect for DT and some of the projects he has tackled but this must be the stupidest project ever undertaken by anyone. Its just one fuck up after another.
Which is a shame because I was really looking forward all of his articles about Australia but even they have fizzled out.
A missed opportunity, for sure. If he had more time, and started out with something better than a piece of garbage, he could have put a little more content out on the car scene there as well as some more in-depth write-ups on the process. With this starting point and insane timeline, there was no time for anything other than furious wrenching.
I look forward to the video where you take engine back to the seller and show him how to use a $900 suppository.
Oops. My bad. I thought you paid $900 for the engine.
The further this goes,the harder it is for me to believe this isnt planned.
Surely Lawrence isnt dumb enough to buy a motor without putting a spanner on the crank?He obviously has some mechanical skills so that cant it it.And surely David asked for *some* details before sending money?
The same deal with the cars.It’s easy to describe how bad the rust was,even from a cursory look.
I get that David probably wants to push the limits of this genre ,and a failure still makes for an interesting story, but this situation looks like it was planned to fail.
In any case if it doesnt work out i hope they take the Mighty Boy to the muster! That would be cool,and a good backup plan
It all is completely incredible. I’ve tried repeating”This is THE D. T.!” and I still can’t suspend disbelief.
^This is the correct answer!
Please allow embedding images in the comments so that I can post this on every article Mr. Tracy writes about a pile of rusty metal.
https://media.tenor.com/iF0ElN3jZoUAAAAd/alexis-eww.gif
Seeing how the event was last weekend I’m on pins and needles. Not much clues on your Instagram but I like that you got written up in the local paper 🙂
Which local paper? Deni or Dubbo? I need to take a look!
How many more posts featuring David’s ability to make truly depressing decisions will readers tolerate? I guess there are some people who enjoy watching him endlessly punish himself with obviously doomed projects, but I find it similar to watching a friend inflict self-harm. Others in the automotive media landscape have found success working on junk with charm. David just works on dead-end junk.
Yeah, at some point, it is more about the drama than it is about documenting an interesting build – intended or not. It is cool to see something truly resurrected, but most people will never attempt a project starting with complete garbage like this. It is maybe time for a more reasonable build that doesn’t have an insane timeline, so David can wrench at a normal pace, and give us some good technical write-ups on progress as it goes. At least mix it up a bit.
THIS. Look, I really dig DT’s work….when it is completely doable. In my opinion, this Aussie trip was more of a vacation with a kinda weak excuse to give us content.
I can only assume the Valiant build is going to end long before it gets anywhere near the road. “Just because we can doesn’t mean we should” comes to mind here.
If you two actually got this Ute shaped pile of rust to Demi under its own power (and not on the bed of a tilt tray tow truck) then I think the CSIRO should hire you to bring the Tasmanian Tiger back from extinction.
Seriously, I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to see what shitty creation you actually took there.
While it would be less dramatic, maybe you should scope the engine before you buy it?
This is very reminiscent of the time when Mighty Car Mods bought a used “good” engine for their big-block Jimny build and got a pile of garbage. Then the seller blamed them for the F’ed up condition. It makes for a good running joke, but you can feel Moog’s despair at that state of affairs. I wish they’d out’ed the seller of the crap engine …
https://youtu.be/TrsCctkQgJw
I wish they had too, but if you read the comments for that video, people figured it out pretty easily, and said who it was.