Good morning! On today’s Shitbox Showdown, we’re going to be looking at two cars that have had some bovine-inspired decorations added. Are they all hat and no cattle? Will one of them moooove you to vote for it? Will I be making lots of cow puns? You’ll find out in a minute.
First, let’s see how yesterday’s results turned out. Once again, the J-car got slaughtered, it seems. It’s all right; Mercedes wagons are popular. I get that. But personally, I’d go for the one I know I could fix, and that isn’t a 29-year-old Benz. I mean, I could fix it, I’m sure, but knowing how much work goes into replacing the wiring harness on a simple car like an MGB, there’s no way I’m tackling that beast. I’ll take the Smurf-toned Chevy.
It’s funny how things that are an absolute red flag for some are no big deal to others. That biodegradable wiring insulation scares the hell out of me, but the intake manifold gaskets on GM V6s that so many people shy away from don’t sound like a big deal to me. Maybe it’s because they’re easier to get to. It takes all kinds, I guess.
Today’s cars may not seem like an equal match either, but who says they have to be? The very idea is complete bull. It’s udderly ridiculous to take this little bit of entertainment so seriously. I just choose the cars that stand out from the herd, and if you’ve got some beef with that, tough, I guess. But I’d better stop milking the puns and just show you the cars, before they put me out to pasture.
1989 Lincoln Mark VII – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: 5.0 liter overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Farmers Branch, TX
Odometer reading: 248,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives, but needs a little work
I’ve never understood why some people put cow horns in the front of their cars. And as far as I can tell, no one else does either. I can’t find any definitive origin of the practice, only that it dates back to horse-and-buggy days. What I do know is that horns on the front of a car, especially a Cadillac or a Lincoln, is shorthand for “Texas.” It’s a perfect decoration, then, for this Texas-based entrant in the Hot Rod Power Tour from a few years ago.
The seller calls this Lincoln Mark VII “The Gentlemen’s Mustang,” and that’s not far off. It’s based on the same Fox platform as the contemporary Mustang, and is powered by the same high-output version of Ford’s 5.0 liter V8. But where the Fox-body Mustang is all about cheap speed, the Lincoln is designed to provide comfort and class along with the V8 power. Unlike Lincolns of the 1970s, which offered a whole slew of special editions, by 1989 the Mark VII was down to just two trim levels: the luxury Bill Blass Edition, and the sportier LSC. I don’t know which this is, but I don’t see LSC badges on this one, so it’s probably a Bill Blass.
This Mark VII has a lot of miles on it, but the seller says it runs well. It would have to, to finish a multi-state tour with an emphasis on driving fast and showing off. It has upgraded brakes, but it sounds like they need work; the parts are included. The front end has been rebuilt, so this car won’t – ahem – “steer” you wrong. The seller says the thermostat is currently stuck, presumably open, but they’re planning to replace it before the sale.
Outside, it wears a flashy paint job designed to draw attention on the Power Tour; I kinda like it, but your mileage may vary. Inside, it’s stock, and in nice condition, which is good, because the interior is the best part of these cars.
1999 Plymouth Neon Expresso – $2,600
Engine/drivetrain: 2.0 liter dual overhead cam inline 4, three-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Glendale, AZ
Odometer reading: 134,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives great
Here we have a car that’s disappearing far too quickly from the roads: the first-generation Neon. This is a Plymouth model, in Expresso trim, with a twin-cam 2.0 liter four-cylinder engine making 150 horsepower. It doesn’t sound like much now, but it was a lot for a compact car when the Neon was introduced. This one is unfortunately equipped with the optional three-speed Torqueflite automatic transmission instead of the slick-shifting five-speed manual. A Neon with an automatic is still quick – I had one for a while – but it’s not nearly as much fun.
Small car interiors in the ’90s often had fun, playful fabric, and the Neon Expresso is no exception. That wasn’t exciting enough for the owner of this car – they added in this black-and white cow-print material. But this photo doesn’t tell the whole story. When you’re ready, take a look at the photo below.
Yep. The steering wheel cover and door cards were just the beginning. They did the entire headliner as well. I don’t understand it, but I’m not sure I hate it either. It brightens up the interior considerably; I’ll give it that. This photo also reminds me of a peculiarity about the first-generation Neons: On four-door models, only the front windows are power-operated. To roll down the rear windows, you need to crank them down manually.
Aside from the Holstein-inspired interior treatment, this is a clean little Neon, with low mileage. It runs great, everything works, and it looks good inside and out. I still don’t like red cars, especially Neons (mine was red, and it got rear-ended), but I guess clean and red is better than beat-up and some other color.
OK, so both of these are kind of silly. But there is a bit of a connection, if you think about it. One of them is garish on the outside and normal inside, while the other is nondescript from the curb but flies its freak flag inside. Extroverts versus introverts, you could say. Which side are you on?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
Owned a 1998 Neon in absolute base spec with the 3 speed auto with 300000+ kms on it back in university. To this day it is still probably one of the most fun-to-drive and yet pretty comfortable cars I’ve ever owned.
They have issues to be sure, but I genuinely enjoyed driving that little purple pile, so it gets my vote.
Yes, yes, I see now that the Lincoln is indeed an LSC. I couldn’t see the steering wheel badge on my laptop. I apologize. I’d go back and edit if I could, but I have not been granted that power.
For the crime of not recognizing the difference between a Bill Blass and an LSC you must drape yourself in burgundy velour and repeat the Lincoln advertising slogan “What a Luxury Car Should Be” while clutching a Lincoln hood ornament. Preferably while standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial.
all while rolling a booger with your fingers as they film your TV commercial. Allright, allright, allright
Lincoln: wrench (or Sawzall if need be ) those horns off and spray-bomb it into unoffensiveness.
That Neon’s headliner, though, is oppressive. Frankly, I’d be cowed
The Neon if it wasn’t a slush box, but it is, so I’m opting for the Boss Hog lookin Lincoln.
But the Linc does say LSC right on the steering wheel. That plus seats means it’s an LSC, and it’s the car I’d vote for.
Neon – All day, every day. Manual trans swaps on these 1st generation neons are easy. My son’s daily driver is such a car.
I’m surprised the Neon is winning, even though I voted for it. I’m envisioning a young female owner who gave it a name (Bossie?) and took good care of it.
That Lincoln, if the paint was normal, the Boss Hogg crap was gone, and I had any confidence whatsoever in the previous owner, it would win. But not this one.
Thankfully, horns can be removed. Regardless, V8 and RWD trumps a Mopar plastic shitbox any day. Give the Lincoln a rattle can paint job and you’re ready to roll.
Modern Mustang wheels look pretty good on it, btw.
An entire Lincoln that comes with two free Shofars? Sign me up.
Nespresso for me
I’m not a fan of the paint job on the Lincoln, but I’d rather deal with that annoyance than the automatic in the Neon – that 3-speed is an absolute fun-killer.
I love the ridiculous upholstery in that Neon. Gotta appreciate someone making their car totally theirs. That said, luxury Mustang for me!
Also, the Mark VII has the LSC steering wheel, so I would assume it’s an LSC.
The Neon for me, though the 3 speed auto is a sad thing. My first car was 10 years older than the first Neons and had a 4 speed, as did most everything else by the time the Neon came out, so that was really a head scratcher.
I think it’s because the old three-speed Torqueflite was reliable and cheap to make, and the four-speed Ultradrive… wasn’t. GM hung on to the TH125C in the Cavaliers and Sunfires for almost as long, for similar reasons. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, I guess.
I have a friend whose dad had the philosophy “If it ain’t broke, take it apart, lose a few pieces, and it will be!”
Ah yes I had a 90 Sunbird with the 3 speed, a mind is a terrible thing, actually what I traded for my 5 speed Neon! It was a crisis purchase as my 84 Isuzu P’up diesel was rusting parts of the frame away daily.
No one does cheap better then Ma Mopar!
Jokes aside (maybe?), the Neon is said to be one of the first compact’s to ever be profitable by a considerable degree. My guess, it was cheaper to put that 3 speed into it then the 4 speeds.
I think they poured all the development money into the engine, 150hp in a compact car at the time was really good. Think Corollas and Civics at the time were still in the 110s/120s.
I mean, maybe it’s engine family. The 2.0 shares a bit with the 2.4 IIRC. The SOHC 2L still made 132hp, and 130Ft-lbs of torque, which was pretty impressive in my eyes.
How is a Fox body V8 losing to a four cylinder econobox? I thought this was a car enthusiast website.
Because the Lincoln is radiating cringe Texas vibes?
Well, offhand, if I were to guess, it’s because the fox body is a retro-80s thing and the great wheel of retro has turned once more, and now retro-90s are in ascendance. The Neon is peak 90s, along with candy-colored iMacs and affordable housing, so…
One of these cars allows you to grab life by the horns and it’s not the Mopar.
A reluctant vote for the Neon – reluctant not because it’s a Neon, but because I don’t know what to do with that headliner. But a Neon in Plymouth Expresso guise is a rare sight. I am surprised the exterior isn’t white, the door handles would already blend in as spots.
So if I remember the LCS’s had analog dashes and sport seats so this is more then likely a LSC. The smart choice is the Neon for me but the Lincoln is the fun choice.
I was gonna go for the Neon instead of the totally thrashed Lincoln, until I saw the cow print headliner.
Give me the thrashed Lincoln today
LSC = Longhorn Sport Cattle? ⃛ ヾ(๑❛ ▿ ◠๑ )
LSC for me!
I’m sure the Neon is the better choice, but I just couldn’t help myself and voted for the Lincoln.
The Neon is the intelligent choice.
Give me the Hot Rod (PowerTour) Lincoln. (Full disclosure, I may have an unhealthy obsession with Lincoln’s Mark series.)
Son, you’re gonna’ drive me to drinkin’
If you don’t stop drivin’ that Hot… Rod… Lincoln!
Gimme the look-at-me Lincoln. V8 and RWD beats FWD automatic.
And judging by the seats, I’m pretty sure the Mark is an LSC.
I was looking for the typical LSC badge on the C-pillar, but I think you’re right. I think I see LSC on the steering wheel too.
I Google LSC seats and Bill Blass seats, and the LSC has those aggressive bolsters. Bill Blass seats are pretty flat.
At least according to Google.
Gawd, the wheels on that Mark! Hopefully it’s vinyl, not paint?!
Lincoln for me today. I can take off the stupid horns.
How cute, 2 cars I owned in a row, and they both have the wrong options. These Neons are tremendous fun to drive with a manual. The automatics, just no, it’s even worse than the Cavalier. But my god that Mark is just…. UGH. I guess I am taking the auto Neon.
Hi.
I’ll take the Neon