Good morning! On today’s Shitbox Showdown, we’re going to be looking at two cars that have had some bovine-inspired decorations added. Are they all hat and no cattle? Will one of them moooove you to vote for it? Will I be making lots of cow puns? You’ll find out in a minute.
First, let’s see how yesterday’s results turned out. Once again, the J-car got slaughtered, it seems. It’s all right; Mercedes wagons are popular. I get that. But personally, I’d go for the one I know I could fix, and that isn’t a 29-year-old Benz. I mean, I could fix it, I’m sure, but knowing how much work goes into replacing the wiring harness on a simple car like an MGB, there’s no way I’m tackling that beast. I’ll take the Smurf-toned Chevy.
It’s funny how things that are an absolute red flag for some are no big deal to others. That biodegradable wiring insulation scares the hell out of me, but the intake manifold gaskets on GM V6s that so many people shy away from don’t sound like a big deal to me. Maybe it’s because they’re easier to get to. It takes all kinds, I guess.
Today’s cars may not seem like an equal match either, but who says they have to be? The very idea is complete bull. It’s udderly ridiculous to take this little bit of entertainment so seriously. I just choose the cars that stand out from the herd, and if you’ve got some beef with that, tough, I guess. But I’d better stop milking the puns and just show you the cars, before they put me out to pasture.
1989 Lincoln Mark VII – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: 5.0 liter overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Farmers Branch, TX
Odometer reading: 248,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives, but needs a little work
I’ve never understood why some people put cow horns in the front of their cars. And as far as I can tell, no one else does either. I can’t find any definitive origin of the practice, only that it dates back to horse-and-buggy days. What I do know is that horns on the front of a car, especially a Cadillac or a Lincoln, is shorthand for “Texas.” It’s a perfect decoration, then, for this Texas-based entrant in the Hot Rod Power Tour from a few years ago.
The seller calls this Lincoln Mark VII “The Gentlemen’s Mustang,” and that’s not far off. It’s based on the same Fox platform as the contemporary Mustang, and is powered by the same high-output version of Ford’s 5.0 liter V8. But where the Fox-body Mustang is all about cheap speed, the Lincoln is designed to provide comfort and class along with the V8 power. Unlike Lincolns of the 1970s, which offered a whole slew of special editions, by 1989 the Mark VII was down to just two trim levels: the luxury Bill Blass Edition, and the sportier LSC. I don’t know which this is, but I don’t see LSC badges on this one, so it’s probably a Bill Blass.
This Mark VII has a lot of miles on it, but the seller says it runs well. It would have to, to finish a multi-state tour with an emphasis on driving fast and showing off. It has upgraded brakes, but it sounds like they need work; the parts are included. The front end has been rebuilt, so this car won’t – ahem – “steer” you wrong. The seller says the thermostat is currently stuck, presumably open, but they’re planning to replace it before the sale.
Outside, it wears a flashy paint job designed to draw attention on the Power Tour; I kinda like it, but your mileage may vary. Inside, it’s stock, and in nice condition, which is good, because the interior is the best part of these cars.
1999 Plymouth Neon Expresso – $2,600
Engine/drivetrain: 2.0 liter dual overhead cam inline 4, three-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Glendale, AZ
Odometer reading: 134,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives great
Here we have a car that’s disappearing far too quickly from the roads: the first-generation Neon. This is a Plymouth model, in Expresso trim, with a twin-cam 2.0 liter four-cylinder engine making 150 horsepower. It doesn’t sound like much now, but it was a lot for a compact car when the Neon was introduced. This one is unfortunately equipped with the optional three-speed Torqueflite automatic transmission instead of the slick-shifting five-speed manual. A Neon with an automatic is still quick – I had one for a while – but it’s not nearly as much fun.
Small car interiors in the ’90s often had fun, playful fabric, and the Neon Expresso is no exception. That wasn’t exciting enough for the owner of this car – they added in this black-and white cow-print material. But this photo doesn’t tell the whole story. When you’re ready, take a look at the photo below.
Yep. The steering wheel cover and door cards were just the beginning. They did the entire headliner as well. I don’t understand it, but I’m not sure I hate it either. It brightens up the interior considerably; I’ll give it that. This photo also reminds me of a peculiarity about the first-generation Neons: On four-door models, only the front windows are power-operated. To roll down the rear windows, you need to crank them down manually.
Aside from the Holstein-inspired interior treatment, this is a clean little Neon, with low mileage. It runs great, everything works, and it looks good inside and out. I still don’t like red cars, especially Neons (mine was red, and it got rear-ended), but I guess clean and red is better than beat-up and some other color.
OK, so both of these are kind of silly. But there is a bit of a connection, if you think about it. One of them is garish on the outside and normal inside, while the other is nondescript from the curb but flies its freak flag inside. Extroverts versus introverts, you could say. Which side are you on?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
I like the Lincoln more but I’ve never even been to Texas so I just don’t think I’m the right guy for that car. It deserves to live with a proud Texan. I’ll take the Neon, I actually kind of like the cow print doors and headliner. They’re fun and look like they were done pretty well.
Don’t get me wrong I love Mark VIIs but I despise what the previous owner(s) did to it. And undoing it would cost more than getting a cleaner sample from the get go.
On the other hand I haven’t seen a clean 1st generation Neon in over 15 years. Uncracked dash? Shiny paint? clean and colorful OEM upholstery? Sign me up (interior treatment be damned)
You’re gonna drive me to drinkin’ if you do start driving that hot rod Lincoln.
I love those Lincolns always wanted another even though I lost mine to electrical gremlins.
As an ex neon guy, I can confidently say anyone picking the neon with that PIECE OF SHIT 3 spd autotragic is uninformed. Unreliable, and slow as piss. 5spd Neons would click through the 1/4 in mid 15 second times. Automatics were 17-18 second cars. The difference in performance is absolutely staggering.
This is why you manual swap them, preferably with the p/n 4670234 ACR gearbox.
The 3 spd was a ton more reliable than the Ultradrive 4 spd.
I’m sorry but in TX it’s go big or gi home. Those longhorns are too short. I’ll take the outside in Holstein
man, id buy em both
The Lincoln. Sounds like the original wheels come with the car. The horns will come off and I can get a cheap paint job, probably burgundy. They were comfortable cruisers with some power.
The Neon. Not with that cowprint esp. the headliner. And while a Neon is a good first car choice even with the auto, I’m way beyond my first car and would feel like a huge failure rolling up to any friend or relative’s house in a red 25 year old Neon with cowprint only to be tortured with the puns. “How now brown cow?”
“but needs a little work”
Yeah, the horns don’t function.
Adrian definitely got that covered.
Depends on how you feel about pedestrians.
The Lincoln is far more interesting, but for the money that little Chrysler/Lambo 2.0 will go for a lot longer I would bet. And with half the miles, and far less ugly ( that is saying a lot), the Neo would be my choice if told I had to chose one..
Gateway 2000 edition Neon!
https://images.app.goo.gl/FUEkEURms1shbrXL8
HOLY COW
I had a 1995 Neon Highline, with the auto, and it actually boogied along pretty well when you punched it after you got moving. Off the line, bleh. I subsequently had a 2000 Neon with the same powertrain. I’m not sure what they did with gear ratios in 2000, but OMG it was a dog. The gearing was all wrong for acceleration. Even though the 2nd gen was a little more refined, I’d take a 1st gen. The 2000 also got poorer mileage. Neon it is.
The horns will be easier to remove than all that cow-print, and a V8 is a V8, so Lincoln it is.
Also, the Mark VII is an LSC – see the analog instrumentation, perforated steering wheel cover, sport seats, and “LSC” embossed on the steering wheel.
Clearly, the Neon is the smarter choice. Small, fun to drive, and cheaper to run than the Lincoln. But I already have a coupe that’s fun to drive, and I don’t have a big ol’ outrageous cruiser to take out on weekends and Saturday nights. Some modifications would be required lest folks think I’m a Cowboys fan, but that part’s easy. Lincoln it is.
Expresso with milk isn’t bad. As much as I’d rather have a V8, I can’t resist the call of something so cheap and clean. Even with the autotragic and ridiculous headliner, driving that little Neon would be a gas.
Have you ever blown lemon vinaigrette salad dressing out your nose? I just did that when I scrolled down to the Holstein headliner on that Neon. Although I wouldn’t want it, I love that someone did it. I actually think that the Mark 7 is an LSC because I’m reasonably certain those seats were specific to that model. Too bad the rest of that car is so awful, since the Mark 7 is my favorite Ford product of the 80s.
Gotta go with the Neon here, spots and all.
I would not be able to live with that interior in the Neon,so I guess the Lincoln then..
My first car was an ’86 Grand Am that was manual window cranks all around. In the summer, I had this whole technique down for opening all the windows from the driver’s seat while I got moving through the parking lot, to evacuate the miserable hot air ASAP. Kind of wild to me how fresh that 30+ year old muscle memory is; I doubt I still have the flexibility, but if you put me back in that seat, I’m sure I would know where to put my hands without looking.
Hot – definitely not
Rod – bone stock except for bad paint and wheels
Power – 150hp when new, so not really
Tour – well it guess it went somewhere
Right? the Neon has the better power to weight ratio…
The Lincoln isn’t a bad car, and against a scrappier competitor, I might’ve voted for it. But the lower mileage of the Neon and overall quirkiness gives it a “first car” vibe I can’t ignore. “You don’t like the cow print? At least it runs!”
Oof, I can hear my dad now!
I don’t mind the horns but I can’t stomach those wheels.
Plus who doesn’t love a Neon? That’s the only Dodge I’ll make an exception for in my anti-MOPAR philosophy. And I love the TUCows edition – does anyone else remember TUCows? Holy, uh, cow – they’re still around, but they seem to have morphed into something different from what I remember: https://www.tucows.com/
Previous version: https://web.archive.org/web/20021101224455/http://www.tucows.com/
If it helps, the ad says the wheels aren’t included, and that it’s on stock Mk VII turbine wheels now.
The Neon is in better condition.
Also, the second-gen Neon also did the power windows up front, manual windows int eh back. That setup is also popular in Europe, and had been that way for the 90s and 00s and possibly even after that.
Man, I was all ready to vote for the Neon because it’s in great shape, but then I saw the 3-speed. Big nope. The Lincoln gives me the impression of being owned by someone I could be friends with…the Power Tour livery is pretty stinkin cool. Coyote swap?
It’s an “I’d take either” kind of day and really, that Lincoln appeals an awful lot more to me than it should. Fox body Mk VII LSCs are great sleeper platforms. However, the Neon is honest transportation at a very fair price and I’ll honor that.