It happened. The Pontiac Aztek — arguably the most hideous automobile ever produced — is mine. And the one I snagged isn’t just any Aztek, it is the ugliest of the ugly: it’s beige. Here’s how I managed to snag this machine from the jaws of defeat. Here’s how I won a bidding war for arguably the ugliest car of all time.
Back in April I promised that If 200 people became Autopian members that month I would purchase a Pontiac Aztek, daily drive it for a month, and live in it for a week. To do that I’d actually have to buy an Aztek, but soon after announcing this membership campaign all the good Azteks in my area seemed to dry up. This meant that, when one came up on Cars & Bids, I felt an immense amount of pressure to get it.
Actually, The Autopian’s Publisher Matt Hardigree did a great job putting together the play-by-play of what happened, so I’m just going to quote his Member Email (which you get if you’re a member here at this fine automotive publication — join here!).
The below is a play-by-play from Matt’s email:
Matt’s Email To Members:
6/6/2024
I honestly can’t remember if someone told me to look at Cars & Bids or I just saw it as I was browsing the site, but I make the first mention of it I can find (apologies if someone told me):
I suggest to David/Jason that we bid on it.
6/08/24
Buzz, in the Discord, notices as well:
$rrrr
David, Jason, and I discussed the merits of the car. At length. Since the car was in Arizona, we decided a budget of $3,500 would be appropriate as we could probably get it back to California after fees/travel/et cetera for less than $4,000.
The Day Of
David even texted everyone to make sure it was ok:
We nervously watched it all weekend. David can spend upwards of $30k on an old i3, but spending $3k of company money on an Aztek gave him pause. [DT Note: I’m always careful spending company money. My own money? I’m also careful, but I have no defenses against Galvanic Gold i3s. -DT].
With the prices hovering around $2,300 going into the morning we made a plan: David would set up a name that wasn’t obviously him, do a test bid of $100 more than whatever was there with an hour to go, and then we’d be ready to bid another $100 with 20 seconds left. As we got closer the price went up:
With about an hour to go we made the test bid:
Yes, this is the name David chose so as not to give it away.
It took about three minutes for someone to figure it out.
At this point, we were busily watching it in Slack, on the site, on the Discord, and in text messages.
And:
We were all nervous. And then it happened:
NOOOO!!!!!
And:
Then it started happening super fast:
In the Slack room:
And in the Discord:
But we were ready:
And then it happened:
Part of being a success is sticking to your guns. Another part is being flexible enough to know when to bend a little:
Well, fun for us.
Less fun for the Discord maybe.
Mwhahahaha
People seem to think it was a great deal and we agree.
Thank you all for being a part of this journey. We are all excited to take delivery of the Aztek and will write about it every step of the way. We even have a special plan for where/how David is going to sleep in it.
Ok, not all of us are excited:
Lol. Adrian did find a great black one, but…
Anyone know where we can find some cladding?
Ok, Back To Me, Dravid Tacy
Thanks, Matt for writing half of my article for me!
But whew, that was a nerve-wracking! How high would we have gone? Would we have stopped at $4000? I’m not sure I have that willpower. It’s possible I was headed toward the most foolish purchase of all time. Luckily, FruitBoots3000 has some sort of internal restraint that I don’t, and they showed mercy. The Aztek was mine for $3,604. Honestly, not a bad deal.
Did I ever think I’d end up in a bidding war over a Pontiac Aztek? Much less a beige one? No, no I didn’t. Anyway, I notified The Autopian’s accountant; here was our short exchange:
Accountant: This is quite the RIDE, David! I must say!
Me: Possibly the ugliest car of all time!
Accountant: You’re not wrong!
Hopefully, our accountant doesn’t refuse to pay this, or I’ll have to dip into my own pockets for this Aztek. [Reaches into pocket, pulls it inside-out…Gulp.] Anyway, enough talking, let’s show some photos of this incredible machine:
As you can see, it’s got some rust from having spent time in Nebraska, Montana, and Minnesota. Also, this isn’t a very highly optioned Aztek. It doesn’t have all-wheel drive, it doesn’t have a head-up display, and it doesn’t have a rear air compressor. I’m hoping to find an air compressor at a junkyard so I can retrofit it to inflate an air mattress, as I will be sleeping in this Aztek. After all, I did manage to snag a nice example of the fabled Aztek Tent.
You all came through for us by becoming members, now it’s time for me to uphold my end of the deal. It’s Aztek time!
Yay! Finally, we get to see DT live in an Aztek! It even has rust! Yay!
Looking forward to the hilarious stories/adventures
It’s ugly as usual, especially Beige…like Adrian said it’s missing the horrible cladding…needs that
That dash is wretched especially the center console ha ha
Yay! Finally, we get to see DT live in an Aztek! It even has rust! Yay!
Looking forward to the hilarious stories/adventures
It’s ugly as usual, especially Beige…like Adrian said it’s missing the horrible cladding…needs that
That dash is wretched especially the center console ha ha
I didn’t know until just now that the interior is a greater crime against humanity than the exterior.
Perhaps, but the vents do have a neat movement to them, IIRC. They either can spin in place – especially with a little airflow from the HVAC – which is hilarious, or they iris closed/open, I don’t remember which.
The exterior is hideous, but the interior is… not terrible. A bit weird, very GM, but not awful.
The Aztek has no clue to what its future has in store for it. Something Top Gearish is certain to happen. Maybe in an ironic twist, it will be dropped from a crane onto a piano.
I didn’t know until just now that the interior is a greater crime against humanity than the exterior.
Perhaps, but the vents do have a neat movement to them, IIRC. They either can spin in place – especially with a little airflow from the HVAC – which is hilarious, or they iris closed/open, I don’t remember which.
The exterior is hideous, but the interior is… not terrible. A bit weird, very GM, but not awful.
The Aztek has no clue to what its future has in store for it. Something Top Gearish is certain to happen. Maybe in an ironic twist, it will be dropped from a crane onto a piano.
Add some HD corrugated PVC roof panels in beige, instant cladding, roofing screws, construction adhesive all done.
Bare spray foam, cut to shape with a rusty saw blade.
Just spray it on in parallelish lines. It should expand into a sorta corrugated pattern. Splash on some beige latex and go for a beer.
We could design fiery body kits using this technikque.
Add some HD corrugated PVC roof panels in beige, instant cladding, roofing screws, construction adhesive all done.
Bare spray foam, cut to shape with a rusty saw blade.
Just spray it on in parallelish lines. It should expand into a sorta corrugated pattern. Splash on some beige latex and go for a beer.
We could design fiery body kits using this technikque.
I’m holding Matt and by extension you, David, to a Discord agreement on an Autopian Meet-up whenever you go to pick the vehicle up in AZ. Just hoping it doesn’t conflict with my own professional or personal commitments.
I’m holding Matt and by extension you, David, to a Discord agreement on an Autopian Meet-up whenever you go to pick the vehicle up in AZ. Just hoping it doesn’t conflict with my own professional or personal commitments.
Please tell me it came with the Grateful Dead keychain.
And American Beauty on cassette
Please tell me it came with the Grateful Dead keychain.
And American Beauty on cassette
Let us re-hash Adrian’s great analysis to remember the epic Camaro-on-S10 vehicle we could have had!
https://www.theautopian.com/the-pontiac-aztek-was-not-a-design-tragedy-it-was-a-corporate-tragedy/
Let us re-hash Adrian’s great analysis to remember the epic Camaro-on-S10 vehicle we could have had!
https://www.theautopian.com/the-pontiac-aztek-was-not-a-design-tragedy-it-was-a-corporate-tragedy/
I was so invested in this auction. I spent the last few minutes on Discord cursing the boots of fruits instead of being productive at work. 10/10 experience, would do again.
I was so invested in this auction. I spent the last few minutes on Discord cursing the boots of fruits instead of being productive at work. 10/10 experience, would do again.
That fabric pattern on the seats is absolutely ghastly. It must have looked dated when it was new. It’s like an artist’s rendition of pure ugliness.
I was scrolling through the photos with amusement until I saw the seats and remembered that Pontiac had some awful seat patterns in the early 2000s. I’ve owned a few early 2000s Pontiacs, but luckily none had this ugly of a pattern. My cars did have those HVAC controls, and despite looking a tad ridiculous, they were easy to operate by feel even with gloves on.
It’s the beige that’s really the issue. They looked fine with the charcoal grey. Very of the era, but not ugly.
That fabric pattern on the seats is absolutely ghastly. It must have looked dated when it was new. It’s like an artist’s rendition of pure ugliness.
I was scrolling through the photos with amusement until I saw the seats and remembered that Pontiac had some awful seat patterns in the early 2000s. I’ve owned a few early 2000s Pontiacs, but luckily none had this ugly of a pattern. My cars did have those HVAC controls, and despite looking a tad ridiculous, they were easy to operate by feel even with gloves on.
It’s the beige that’s really the issue. They looked fine with the charcoal grey. Very of the era, but not ugly.
$3604 bucks of pure Zubaz energy. Nice.
I just had to come back and nominate ZubAz-tek for her name.
$3604 bucks of pure Zubaz energy. Nice.
I just had to come back and nominate ZubAz-tek for her name.
The reason you paid more for this AZTEk is because it is the same as the iconic beige Aztek seen in Breaking Bad.
The one in Breaking Bad is allegedly a very faded Fern Green.
The reason you paid more for this AZTEk is because it is the same as the iconic beige Aztek seen in Breaking Bad.
The one in Breaking Bad is allegedly a very faded Fern Green.
I just checked the local Craigslist, and there’s a green 2001 Aztek for sale for $1,600
https://eugene.craigslist.org/pts/d/springfield-2001-aztek/7744990098.html
and someone else is selling a tent for $150!
https://seattle.craigslist.org/tac/pts/d/sumner-aztek-tent/7752440055.html
For a small investment on my part, I could live the dream too!
(It is a dream, right?)
Dream, nightmare, doesn’t matter. At least you’re sleeping.
Oh man, I love that green. I’m with Adrian on this: the beige is bad.
I’m just happy that Aztek Life is happening. I’m so supportive of anyone out there living the Aztek Dream. Do it.
“2001 Pontiac Aztec. The most beautiful car ever made. Runs great. Needs a new thermostat. 169,225mi.”
Now that’s what every salesman should be
I just checked the local Craigslist, and there’s a green 2001 Aztek for sale for $1,600
https://eugene.craigslist.org/pts/d/springfield-2001-aztek/7744990098.html
and someone else is selling a tent for $150!
https://seattle.craigslist.org/tac/pts/d/sumner-aztek-tent/7752440055.html
For a small investment on my part, I could live the dream too!
(It is a dream, right?)
Dream, nightmare, doesn’t matter. At least you’re sleeping.
Oh man, I love that green. I’m with Adrian on this: the beige is bad.
I’m just happy that Aztek Life is happening. I’m so supportive of anyone out there living the Aztek Dream. Do it.
“2001 Pontiac Aztec. The most beautiful car ever made. Runs great. Needs a new thermostat. 169,225mi.”
Now that’s what every salesman should be
I’m confused. The title says you bought the ugliest car of all time, but you keep referencing Azteks and not SC430s.
Agreed. There are other vehicles I find uglier (or as ugly) as an Aztek.
The Buick Rendezvous, made on the same platform as the Aztek, springs to mind and forces me to drink until it looks good.
Pontiac: “Let’s make a utility vehicle for young people!”
Buick: “Only if we can make the same car for old people.”
You read my mind! The Aztek got all the hate…. but the Rendezvous always looked worse!
Cladding is better than excessive chrome and different cladding.
Imho the ugliest car of all time is the 2000+ Monte Carlo. I hate them.
Yeah it’s pretty bad too, but I also have trouble explaining why the Monte was ugly.
I could go into detail but I’d just get mad and life is short
I read the lede, saw the top shot, and my brain still went “Why did David buy a Model Y?!”
Agreed, it’s time that we as a society admit the truth that people want to ignore:
Roadster, Model S, Model 3, and Semi have been the only not-ugly Teslas.
Model Y and Model X have been ugly as shit from day one
Model X has been ugly AND garbage since day one due to all of the unnecessary shit they did to it.
Yeah, and I’ll even only give credit to early Model S, as the grill-free refresh made the front end all awkward looking – which carried into the X and Y.
The only other car that I can think of that gives the Model Y a good run is the Hyundai Kona. I hate looking at the Kona as much as the Y, mostly because while the proportions aren’t as bad as the Y, the rest looks like it was designed by committees who never knew what the other committees were doing.
How on earth can you even tell the difference among them all?
Model 3 reminds me too much of the Dodge Neon. Perhaps after going through a sandstorm?
I’ll allow you to be this wrong about the SC430 exactly once, then it’s straight to Principal Clarke’s office.
SC430s are not even in the top 25% of ugly. It’s actually a damn good car, although the original wheels are a swing and a miss.
(Mine gets 24-25MPG on every tank, and that’s with a V8!)
Far, far, far too ichthyological for my taste. Perhaps Mrs. Puff would agree with you. I can see her driving one.
I’m confused. The title says you bought the ugliest car of all time, but you keep referencing Azteks and not SC430s.
Agreed. There are other vehicles I find uglier (or as ugly) as an Aztek.
The Buick Rendezvous, made on the same platform as the Aztek, springs to mind and forces me to drink until it looks good.
Pontiac: “Let’s make a utility vehicle for young people!”
Buick: “Only if we can make the same car for old people.”
You read my mind! The Aztek got all the hate…. but the Rendezvous always looked worse!
Cladding is better than excessive chrome and different cladding.
Imho the ugliest car of all time is the 2000+ Monte Carlo. I hate them.
Yeah it’s pretty bad too, but I also have trouble explaining why the Monte was ugly.
I could go into detail but I’d just get mad and life is short
I read the lede, saw the top shot, and my brain still went “Why did David buy a Model Y?!”
Agreed, it’s time that we as a society admit the truth that people want to ignore:
Roadster, Model S, Model 3, and Semi have been the only not-ugly Teslas.
Model Y and Model X have been ugly as shit from day one
Model X has been ugly AND garbage since day one due to all of the unnecessary shit they did to it.
Yeah, and I’ll even only give credit to early Model S, as the grill-free refresh made the front end all awkward looking – which carried into the X and Y.
The only other car that I can think of that gives the Model Y a good run is the Hyundai Kona. I hate looking at the Kona as much as the Y, mostly because while the proportions aren’t as bad as the Y, the rest looks like it was designed by committees who never knew what the other committees were doing.
How on earth can you even tell the difference among them all?
Model 3 reminds me too much of the Dodge Neon. Perhaps after going through a sandstorm?
I’ll allow you to be this wrong about the SC430 exactly once, then it’s straight to Principal Clarke’s office.
SC430s are not even in the top 25% of ugly. It’s actually a damn good car, although the original wheels are a swing and a miss.
(Mine gets 24-25MPG on every tank, and that’s with a V8!)
Far, far, far too ichthyological for my taste. Perhaps Mrs. Puff would agree with you. I can see her driving one.
The Aztek would be even be the ugliest car with a double kidney grill sold in 2024.