It happened. The Pontiac Aztek — arguably the most hideous automobile ever produced — is mine. And the one I snagged isn’t just any Aztek, it is the ugliest of the ugly: it’s beige. Here’s how I managed to snag this machine from the jaws of defeat. Here’s how I won a bidding war for arguably the ugliest car of all time.
Back in April I promised that If 200 people became Autopian members that month I would purchase a Pontiac Aztek, daily drive it for a month, and live in it for a week. To do that I’d actually have to buy an Aztek, but soon after announcing this membership campaign all the good Azteks in my area seemed to dry up. This meant that, when one came up on Cars & Bids, I felt an immense amount of pressure to get it.
Actually, The Autopian’s Publisher Matt Hardigree did a great job putting together the play-by-play of what happened, so I’m just going to quote his Member Email (which you get if you’re a member here at this fine automotive publication — join here!).
The below is a play-by-play from Matt’s email:
Matt’s Email To Members:
6/6/2024
I honestly can’t remember if someone told me to look at Cars & Bids or I just saw it as I was browsing the site, but I make the first mention of it I can find (apologies if someone told me):
I suggest to David/Jason that we bid on it.
6/08/24
Buzz, in the Discord, notices as well:
$rrrr
David, Jason, and I discussed the merits of the car. At length. Since the car was in Arizona, we decided a budget of $3,500 would be appropriate as we could probably get it back to California after fees/travel/et cetera for less than $4,000.
The Day Of
David even texted everyone to make sure it was ok:
We nervously watched it all weekend. David can spend upwards of $30k on an old i3, but spending $3k of company money on an Aztek gave him pause. [DT Note: I’m always careful spending company money. My own money? I’m also careful, but I have no defenses against Galvanic Gold i3s. -DT].
With the prices hovering around $2,300 going into the morning we made a plan: David would set up a name that wasn’t obviously him, do a test bid of $100 more than whatever was there with an hour to go, and then we’d be ready to bid another $100 with 20 seconds left. As we got closer the price went up:
With about an hour to go we made the test bid:
Yes, this is the name David chose so as not to give it away.
It took about three minutes for someone to figure it out.
At this point, we were busily watching it in Slack, on the site, on the Discord, and in text messages.
And:
We were all nervous. And then it happened:
NOOOO!!!!!
And:
Then it started happening super fast:
In the Slack room:
And in the Discord:
But we were ready:
And then it happened:
Part of being a success is sticking to your guns. Another part is being flexible enough to know when to bend a little:
Well, fun for us.
Less fun for the Discord maybe.
Mwhahahaha
People seem to think it was a great deal and we agree.
Thank you all for being a part of this journey. We are all excited to take delivery of the Aztek and will write about it every step of the way. We even have a special plan for where/how David is going to sleep in it.
Ok, not all of us are excited:
Lol. Adrian did find a great black one, but…
Anyone know where we can find some cladding?
Ok, Back To Me, Dravid Tacy
Thanks, Matt for writing half of my article for me!
But whew, that was a nerve-wracking! How high would we have gone? Would we have stopped at $4000? I’m not sure I have that willpower. It’s possible I was headed toward the most foolish purchase of all time. Luckily, FruitBoots3000 has some sort of internal restraint that I don’t, and they showed mercy. The Aztek was mine for $3,604. Honestly, not a bad deal.
Did I ever think I’d end up in a bidding war over a Pontiac Aztek? Much less a beige one? No, no I didn’t. Anyway, I notified The Autopian’s accountant; here was our short exchange:
Accountant: This is quite the RIDE, David! I must say!
Me: Possibly the ugliest car of all time!
Accountant: You’re not wrong!
Hopefully, our accountant doesn’t refuse to pay this, or I’ll have to dip into my own pockets for this Aztek. [Reaches into pocket, pulls it inside-out…Gulp.] Anyway, enough talking, let’s show some photos of this incredible machine:
As you can see, it’s got some rust from having spent time in Nebraska, Montana, and Minnesota. Also, this isn’t a very highly optioned Aztek. It doesn’t have all-wheel drive, it doesn’t have a head-up display, and it doesn’t have a rear air compressor. I’m hoping to find an air compressor at a junkyard so I can retrofit it to inflate an air mattress, as I will be sleeping in this Aztek. After all, I did manage to snag a nice example of the fabled Aztek Tent.
You all came through for us by becoming members, now it’s time for me to uphold my end of the deal. It’s Aztek time!
This era of Pontiac always had a Fisher Price vibe to me. Those climate control knobs, the steering wheel….just looks like it’s out of a preschool.
This era of Pontiac always had a Fisher Price vibe to me. Those climate control knobs, the steering wheel….just looks like it’s out of a preschool.
I can’t explain it, something about that woven 2000s GM fabric just felt…damp? even when dry. Like it held humidity more than mouse fur of the time did. Maybe it’s something with freshly detailed rental or used cars that didn’t quite get out whatever sins and/or cigarette smoke that had seeped in.
Speaking of damp Pontiacs, a few months ago I was on a walk after it had been on/off rainy most of the day, and almost home when I passed an Aztek cooler…sitting against some bushes by the sidewalk…just out. It looked grimy and I was tempted to grab it and clean it up but it also felt like some kind of trap. I hadn’t seen an Aztek in the vicinity in a while so I really wondered how it was kept so long and then just abandoned like so.
You are correct. It was always just a little damp feeling. Now, I have lived all of my life in the Great Lakes region, so humidity is typically high, but I bet even in Arizona, it feels a little damp.
I also wonder what kind of funk it will have after DT lives in it for a week. I can’t imagine it will be great…
I can’t explain it, something about that woven 2000s GM fabric just felt…damp? even when dry. Like it held humidity more than mouse fur of the time did. Maybe it’s something with freshly detailed rental or used cars that didn’t quite get out whatever sins and/or cigarette smoke that had seeped in.
Speaking of damp Pontiacs, a few months ago I was on a walk after it had been on/off rainy most of the day, and almost home when I passed an Aztek cooler…sitting against some bushes by the sidewalk…just out. It looked grimy and I was tempted to grab it and clean it up but it also felt like some kind of trap. I hadn’t seen an Aztek in the vicinity in a while so I really wondered how it was kept so long and then just abandoned like so.
You are correct. It was always just a little damp feeling. Now, I have lived all of my life in the Great Lakes region, so humidity is typically high, but I bet even in Arizona, it feels a little damp.
I also wonder what kind of funk it will have after DT lives in it for a week. I can’t imagine it will be great…
Just wondering why none of interior designers suddenly said at a design review of the steering wheel airbag cover, “Hey, is it just me or does that airbag cover look like an inflamed zit about to explode ?”.
Bravo GM, bravo for also reminding anyone driving it by the bulginess that there’s an explosive device just waiting to smash your face like a direct facial hit in dodgeball.
Just wondering why none of interior designers suddenly said at a design review of the steering wheel airbag cover, “Hey, is it just me or does that airbag cover look like an inflamed zit about to explode ?”.
Bravo GM, bravo for also reminding anyone driving it by the bulginess that there’s an explosive device just waiting to smash your face like a direct facial hit in dodgeball.
That beast looks like 10 designers from different studios took up stations around the clay styling buck. None looked at the work of the others and then they made the stamping dies to match. The B & C pillars look like they are shooting off in different directions the hunchback roofline is not stylish, but it compromises cargo capacity to make up for it.
When it was introduced, I looked at it at the Auto Show. They were advertising it as an adventure van, but stuck that beam rear axle under it that offered about 5” of ground clearance, guaranteeing that it would high-center on the first 2-track the owner wandered down. The less said about the interior, the better.
That beast looks like 10 designers from different studios took up stations around the clay styling buck. None looked at the work of the others and then they made the stamping dies to match. The B & C pillars look like they are shooting off in different directions the hunchback roofline is not stylish, but it compromises cargo capacity to make up for it.
When it was introduced, I looked at it at the Auto Show. They were advertising it as an adventure van, but stuck that beam rear axle under it that offered about 5” of ground clearance, guaranteeing that it would high-center on the first 2-track the owner wandered down. The less said about the interior, the better.
Remember Tim Scott fawning over a certain orange person recently? That’s how I feel about DT and this adventure.
Remember Tim Scott fawning over a certain orange person recently? That’s how I feel about DT and this adventure.
Why does the lead image look like an advertisement for a prescription medication with unspeakable side effects in the fine print?
Why does the lead image look like an advertisement for a prescription medication with unspeakable side effects in the fine print?
Man, Doug’s used car lot turns up some real gems once in a while
Man, Doug’s used car lot turns up some real gems once in a while
Take the stigma of this being an Aztek out of the equation and you have a pretty darn functional vehicle for throw away money that looks to be in decent shape.
Everyone talks about the way it looks on the outside. Look at that early aughts GM interior. It’s brutal. The plastics look like fisher price toys. And the knobs are goofy big and really, just all of it. Oof.
IKR. I paid so much attention to the atrocious exterior that I never stopped to contemplate the just-as-terrible interior. It’s… even uglier somehow?
The Aztek is truly the ugliest man made object.
* BMW XM enters the chat *
Take the stigma of this being an Aztek out of the equation and you have a pretty darn functional vehicle for throw away money that looks to be in decent shape.
Everyone talks about the way it looks on the outside. Look at that early aughts GM interior. It’s brutal. The plastics look like fisher price toys. And the knobs are goofy big and really, just all of it. Oof.
IKR. I paid so much attention to the atrocious exterior that I never stopped to contemplate the just-as-terrible interior. It’s… even uglier somehow?
The Aztek is truly the ugliest man made object.
* BMW XM enters the chat *
um….what happened to those pinch welds? How did rust get in there but really no place else? Are those like magic galvanic auto nodes?
um….what happened to those pinch welds? How did rust get in there but really no place else? Are those like magic galvanic auto nodes?
when does the mack hardigree/ travid dacy cross-over novel get released?
when does the mack hardigree/ travid dacy cross-over novel get released?
Does DT understand the reference being made in the top shot?
Does DT understand the reference being made in the top shot?
That is literally and figuratively the beigest of beige vehicles.
Have…fun…I guess? 🙂
That is literally and figuratively the beigest of beige vehicles.
Have…fun…I guess? 🙂
It’s, uh, beautiful?