I have a confession to make. With my current life, there’s no way that I can reach the level of true Autopianism that the other journalists here have achieved.
When the cars of these other writers break down at the side of the road, it’s fodder for ‘content’; my cars conking out means that I miss a meeting at the office or I get a call from a spouse crying beside the road. As such, I have a two-car garage filled with exactly that number of vehicles. There’s absolutely no tolerance around my parts for the ten to twenty cars that some of my colleagues here possess. If David Tracy lived next door to me, I promise that neighbors would call the city to complain and demand nothing less than lethal injection for his crime of a backyard mud pit. If you want comedy gold, I really, really wish you could hear a recording from a few weeks back of my wife asking Mercedes Streeter ‘WHY do you own a BUS?’ or ‘Isn’t two Smart cars enough?’ and ‘where do all of these cars of yours GO?!??”
Still, I wouldn’t mind another car. As a GenXer the Radwood stuff I like tends to cost only about what a family of four will waste on a hellish weeklong trip to Disneyworld. These cars are too cheap NOT to buy, right? But what to do with them? Like a horse or an airplane, the care and feeding of such items usually dwarfs the cost of acquisition. Apparently I’m not alone with this problem, as there are various solutions currently on offer for people lacking the space to store and wrench.
First, you could purchase a place to put your toys. One example is this one where they’ve turned warehouse spaces into large private garages. Starting at around $135,000 for the empty shell, they’re about ten times more than I would likely spend on the car itself.
You could rent a space instead, which several companies bill as ‘Mancaves’. On the website for one of them, the image of a woman in Daisy Dukes and pics of grey-haired guys in old Mustangs make it seem like a bit of a misogynist Boomer playground and not a safe space for Nissan Figaro owners to watch Formula 1, but I hope that I’m wrong. These ‘caves’ cost anywhere from $1300 to $2000 per month, but that’s just for the big, depressing, empty space. You’ll have to bring almost everything in yourself to add life to it. Plus, except for the rare times you can persuade friends to show up, you’ll be sitting alone in a metal box, which is sort of sad.
For repairs, there are now places around the nation that offer an indoor space to wrench on your cars. You get lifts, tools, even expertise in some places for a monthly fee or hourly rates:
These all sound like interesting options, but what if you could combine them all into one, big, beautiful automotive utopia? Interestingly, there was talk on the staff Slack channel the other day that got me thinking that a solution could possibly be coming.
Like many automotive news sites, we are following the beginnings of what might be the unravelling of the Carvana organization. While we could go into numbers and what bankruptcy filing might look like, all that most of us on staff are concerned with is one thing: The fate of the giant car towers.
You’ve probably seen these things rising up off of the highway in urban areas. When you purchase your Carvana vehicle online, you apparently have the choice of getting it delivered to you or going to pick it up out of a ‘vending machine’, which is the glass tower. You receive a giant coin that you drop into a slot and your new car dramatically lowers from the tower and glides towards you. To be honest, it’s pure theater and pretty damn silly, but the sight of all those cars in such a small footprint is pretty dramatic to see.
What will be the fate of these things if Carvana goes belly up? In all honesty, probably the same as this one that was blocking highway expansion in Indianapolis:
This seems like such as waste, since these facilities could be repurposed into a viable business that would benefit many of us in the Autopian community, especially if it could offer different levels of services for a wide range of costs.
Presenting the Autopiatower for local members of Autopian; the next logical membership step in our growing community:
I was able to find a floorplan of a Carvana dealership online, and I annotated what some of the spaces appear to be:
It’s obvious that there’s a lot that could be done with these existing spaces to create a true mecca for car enthusiasts. Need to store a car indoors? How about a secure outdoor space? A place to wrench with the tools you don’t own or on a lift you don’t have? What about just hanging with the kind of people that will talk car stats instead of fantasy football? The Autopiatower would offer all of this, and more, in a space not much bigger than an acre or two and a few miles from your home.
The layouts for these places appear to all be different, but with the one floorplan that I nabbed you can see that changes I would propose to make:
The towers vary in size across the nation, but the biggest can hold over forty cars. It’s too bad that some owners might want to cover their cars, since it would be great to drive down the highway and see a big glass toybox filled with a variety of classic cars glowing in the night – what a way to show off your car! There’s parking lot space for outdoor storage, and additional garages (maybe two stories with lifts) could be built in the lot to increase capacity if needed (maybe a fence around this place and of course twenty-four hour security cameras).
The ‘runway’ from the tower that the cars currently move on and the four ‘launch bays’ could totally be repurposed. The bays and runway would become the workshop areas with lifts and tools you can rent; one could be made into a hand wash/detail bay. Jason even suggested monitors and cameras on moving arms for easy how-to video watching and even remote assistance sessions. Still, just having others around helps not only with safety but with sharing of knowledge.
In the old lobby, there is currently clean blue carpeting that will now be soiled by the Autopian Members ‘Team Yugo Screw Yourself’ LeMons Race Car; electric go-carts displayed in the old reception desk space are to be raced in circles around the building in nicer weather. All the glass remains so you see the work bay where in my drawing a guy is removing the intake to replace the fuel injectors on his dad’s Z32 and vowing to never, ever wrench on a car again (wait…that was me ten years ago).
Further back in, there’s space for racing games, and the conference rooms are ripped open to make Jason’s Taillight Bar come to life! A couch, monitors, trouble-light chandeliers and a Wall of Taillights (Parts Bin Puzzlers, zoom in and test your wits- answers below). What a great place to debate things like which M5 is Best M5 (E39 is the correct answer, by the way) or PB Blaster versus some other miracle cure. Jason or others might make guest appearances for meet/greets, trivia nights, and however else Torch is willing to prostitute himself for the good of the company.
Membership would be at different levels, just like it is on the site now. A garage space would be most expensive, while outdoor parking or a preset number of hours in the workshop would be a level down. You could even rent a space hourly with a minimal membership fee. As with our website, we would want this to be an inclusive group of all kinds of people and cars. Any form of intolerance will simply not fly and, as they say, return you to ‘pre-membership status.’
Look, I have no issues with Carvana; I wish them the best and feel for the employees. However, I think that the towers are not central to the whole business model; they honestly make more sense as a hangout for us than some gimmicky marketing tool. Carvana could even lease them to the Autopian conglomerate for some needed cash; I’ve put together some rough numbers and it looks like could be a profitable business. If the worst case scenario for Carvana cannot be avoided, I do hope there’s some consideration put into what could be before the wrecking ball arrives.
We need a space. Like most things in life, cars are best enjoyed with other people.
[Ed Note: There are so many small things that need to get done in order to keep this site growing and thriving and taking on a real estate project sounds insane to me and yet… this is a great idea. I love this. I love this so much. It’s too much, too fast, right? Someone talk me out of this – MH]
All illustrations by The Bishop
Parts Bin Puzzlers– read below if you want answers on the Taillight Bar wall:
Left side: Lancia Beta coupe, early BMW 2002, late VW Type 2, 1983-86 Mustang, 1969 Pontiac Catalina, 1974-79 VW Dasher wagon, 1973-78 Ford LTD Wagon, late VW Beetle, 1975-79 Buick Skylark, late Fiat Spider, 1982-1984 Camaro, Mercedes R107 or W116, Volvo 240, 1978-1980 Olds Cutlass, 1973-82 Corvette, 1975-79 Chevy Nova
Center: 1972-3 Ford Thunderbird
Right side: 1979-1982 Mercury Capri, 1975-79 Chevy Chevette, Box Taillight, 1977-1983 Olds Custom Cruiser wagon, 1971-1976 Ford Pinto, 1978-80 Plymouth Volare, 1979-86 Jaguar XJ6 SIII, 1977-1987 BMW e23, Lancia Fulvia, 1979-81 Pontiac Firebird
Read more on The Autopian
- Here’s Why Michigan, Illinois, And So Many Others Are At War With Carvana – The Autopian
- What Are The Best Cars To Cheaply Buy From Carvana If It Implodes? : Open Thread – The Autopianan
- Our Daydreaming Designer Imagines The Ultimate Autopian Tour Bus – The Autopian
I can see it now: A massive tail-light elevator…
Small Factory- I was thinking something like the wall of Elantra taillights at the San Diego airport:
https://www.wescover.com/p/sculptures-by-amy-landesberg-at-national-car-rental-san-diego-international-airport–PHy8eUZ2N4M
While cooped up in a loft with a bunch of car buddies at an automotive trade show, we had the exact same idea/discussion. Count me in for the Autopiaplex on I-285 North in Atlanta.
So I must not get out much because.. I didn’t know these Carvana towers were actually real things… Like, I thought they were just some computer designed thing they put in ads. I feel a bit silly now
What cars are on the tables in the drawing? Torch’s Beetle at least?
Matt- just scribble cars but I was sure to make one sort of like a Beetle. Pretty easy to find toy red 65 Mustangs like Tracy’s and yellow Beetles with stripes (like in Footloose)
wonder if there is enough space in each cube to basically provide van lifer space? you know sort of safe place to sleep when you have to stop in a big city.
Nice red light district. Now I wish I had a taillight bar.
…now I’m making a list of my favorite taillights.
Honestly Tesla should buy all the Carvana Dealership buildings. They’d make great Tesla “stores”
This idea came 2 months too late. David could have kept EVERY vehicle!!!
I’d like to buy one and fill it up with pallets of toilet paper, baby formula, and ventilators for the next respiratory virus pandemic.
“Come with me if you want to live.”
People who live in glass houses…probably won’t make it through the zombie apocalypse. 😉
Awesome idea! DeMuro diversified his content publishing because being reliant on the whimsy of algorithms isn’t great. So should the Autopian!
But there’s one critical thing it looks like you missed: couches.
The “chairs” in the drawings hurt my ass just looking at them.
dolsh- there are couches against the walls. You don’t see them in my viewpoint.
Also, these will be nasty-ass black fake leather couches from like 1997..or green, since all leather couches in the late 1990s were green, to quote Notorious BIG:
… Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis
When I was dead broke, man, I couldn’t picture this
50-inch screen, money-green leather sofa
Got two rides, a limousine with a chauffeur
Yes! Those are exactly the couches I was thinking of!
Using your suggestion as a jumping-off point, instead of (or maybe in addition to) the “members only club” idea, it’d be interesting to see some of these turned into small car museums. The vertical form factor would allow for a unique way to separate exhibits (say, use each level to showcase three notable cars from each decade… or use each floor to separate exhibits by manufacturer).
Maybe even “crowdsource” (not sure I’m using that correctly here) the thing and display cars belonging to many different owners. To the car owners, the space would be a secure storage space (and mechanic’s garage / hangout clubhouse) you described, but the cars would be visible to guests as well instead of hidden in garages or storage units.
Of course, I’ve never been to a Carvana tower. I don’t know how easy it’d be to retrofit to have people climbing up and down its insides. It’d probably be pretty difficult, but I like the idea of a small museum that can show off some interesting cars.
I was at the Indianapolis Carvana when it was under construction in 2018, staying at the hotel right across the parking lot. The architecture firm I work for was working on a project in the area and so me and my architect friends were all wondering what the heck this weird structure was going to be. To our eyes, it was immediately apparent that the tower was: a) Too short, floor-to-floor, to be occupiable, 2) Way too small of a footprint for anything commercial, c) Too exposed for anything residential [and, see item a], iv) Very expensive construction – lots of steel and glass all the way around. I think that one of us guessed ‘car dealership’ at one point, but it was such a small footprint that it didn’t seem practical – it was literally in a corner of the hotel parking lot. Anyway, I finally asked one of the construction workers leaving the site and he mumbled “car vending machine” as he was walking away. None of us had heard of the Carvana concept yet and it was like when you hear a string of random words that don’t make a real sentence and it sounds like a different language.
Anyway, I am a big fan of adaptive reuse of weird, niche buildings and I wholeheartedly endorse the idea to make a Carvana tower into Autopian HQ. Since the current highest membership level is “Corinthian Leather” and I can’t possibly think of anything more luxurious, I propose that the new ultimate membership level goes entirely in the opposite direction. I mean, once you’ve joined the ranks of elite Autopians, earthly concerns such as intact and operable equipment seem trivial. Perhaps the new (dare I say, “Holy Grail”) membership level is something like “Total Shitbox.”
archimus- I stay that same hotel when I visit a client in NE Indy! I drove in late one night and was lost- where’s the TOWER?!?!? Asked the front desk and they mentioned it being torn down, but for highway expansion and not lack of business. That’s the only reason I know about this story.
Still, they have not rebuilt a new tower; I think the marketing benefits of it there are done now.
archimus- also to answer your question, Connolly Hides is the top level of membership, named after the firm which provided leather for Rolls Royce and…the 1981 Honda Accord Special Edition???
https://bringatrailer.com/listing/1981-honda-accord-5/
“…the Autopian Members ‘Team Yugo Screw Yourself’ LeMons Race Car…”
Are you accepting applications? Attached is my résumé:
https://www.murileemartin.com/UG/LAZ17/497-_MG_3875.jpg
But where’s the Torch penthouse?! Look down and it’s taillights galore…
Jack- working on a small camper for Torch now. He can live in it while it’s stored on the top level of the Carvana tower nearest him. Hope he has a remote for the lift or he’ll be stuck there until someone comes back.
His current camper could be a feature at these. Drive and work on it in different areas. Stop by and help him out. You could end up with a barter system, work for me, I do some for you.
For example Torch would draw your current ride while you work on the camper
Why in the world does this page have 48 trackers on it?
On the revised floorplan I get why one room is called Taillight Bar but what I don’t get is why the other bars are called Lobby, Service Bays, Wash Bay, and Tower.
mdharrell- I just like the idea of a place selling alcohol next to a place with motor vehicles on hydraulic lifts. What could go wrong?
Or the tower gets filled with postal Jeeps, FCs, and every manual ZJ @DavidTracy can save and it looks like something out of a post apocalyptic movie set.
I’ll up my membership for this. Us Detroit area Autopians can take over the one they just built in Novi. We can even order steaks from the Texas Roadhouse next door to so we can feel like we’re eating fancy food among our rustboxes
I’m in. Let’s do it.
This is a great idea combining many functions into one. Storage for cars is easy to find. A DIY garage, not so much. If there was one near by to me, I would consider it if the cost was right.
I would add:
– storage has power for trickle charges
– car mover rental/sales.
– Merch store.
– Imported cans of Start Ya Bastard fluid.
Some items to over come:
– Insurance. Some numb nuts drops a tool on his foot or rustbucket splits in half on the life, then you are sued out of exitance.
– Lability. This takes care of the above cases. Boils down to “Don’t hurt yourself and blame us”.
– Ease of getting stored cars out, with a slot vs car rental. The last time I stored a car it could take a week to move it out. This design lends it self to drop you bay, swap cars, move on.
In the tower there are 8 floors. Now imagine every floor has a full-on wet bar, stripper poles and enough speakers that you could be on the moon and hear AC/DC. And you still need the vehicles to be in the tower. How else will I get my Tawny Kitaen wannabe stripper fantasy?
So long as you’re ok if I’m next door doing the same with, I don’t know, Ryan Renolds or some such. We could probably just use the same music, from the sound of it!
Ryan Reynolds doing a Tawny Kitaen on a Jag? Interesting….I’m in!!!
I’m glad you included “a” in there!
…or, maybe not…..????
Why do I have a feeling that pictures of Carvana locations are going to be cropping up in “remember when” nostalgic social media posts in the 2070s? Like people do now with Horn & Hardart automats or those drive-through grocery stores from the 1920s
For the longest time, I didn’t think these were real, but instead just a gag for the commercial. I was shocked when I finally saw one.
newbalanceextrawide- that sort of proves the point that if they just built one as a flagship and filmed it they’d have made a far better marketing investment.
Just think of how many rusty Jeeps, Smart Cars, and questionable Chinese electric sorta-cars you could store in one of those towers.
Gold, pure comedy gold.
I’m in. Bump my membership one level and put the money in the pot for Autowerpia
(please don’t actually bump my membership one level.)
No problem, Mr.Asa, we have bumped your membership two levels as requested.
When would you like us to schedule your Taillight Spotting 101 class with Torch? (Only available at your local Autowerpia.)
And don’t forget about the fleets of CarVana car haulers. These could be rented out to members to use for transporting shitboxes from recent buys or transporting our broken shitheaps to the garage bays to service them and many more use cases!
Oh man. I legit want one of those for a race machine hauler.
There’s a side business for us – “Borrow A Trailer”!