I have never owned a hearse. I’m far too normcore to be that guy. I’m not even being judgmental. If you can pull off a hearse, you know, good for you. I’m as dark as a summer day in Greenland. I can pull off a Volvo wagon. I’m not sure I could pull off this Mustang Mach-E-based “Etive” hearse from the UK’s biggest hearsemaker, but I’d maybe give it a shot. This thing looks great.
Coleman Milne is a big deal when it comes to hearses in the United Kingdom, making more deceasedmobiles and limos than anyone else in the country. I know the UK is a small place, relatively speaking, but people have been dying there for thousands of years. Shakespeare died there!
And an electric hearse is a sensible idea. Not only do hearses drive slowly over prescribed routes that don’t require long ranges, they are also most often used in scenarios when being quiet and peaceful is generally considered a positive. (I know it’s hard to believe, but not everybody wants sick GT500 burnouts in the parking lot for a final sendoff.) A Mustang Mach-E is an affordable, attractive choice and making it longer somehow accentuates the crossover’s bodyline in a way I find pleasing to the eye.
This is designed in the British style of hearses, which has a gigantic aquarium-style “deck” in the back to show the casket off like it’s a Maisto model of a Shelby Cobra. They call it the “Etive,” which I took to be some sort of terrible portmanteau, but it’s actually a river in Scotland.
“We have long championed the electric hearse at Coleman Milne,” said Graham Clow, National Sales Director at Coleman Milne, “and we’re proud to welcome the Etive hearse and limousine as the latest additions to our range. The excellent, longstanding relationship that we have with Ford enabled us to model the range on its Mach-E platform. The Mach-E is the perfect base for a comfortable, quiet and respectful hearse and limousine, while also providing funeral directors with all the benefits and innovations found in today’s electric vehicles.”
Those “benefits” include the usual fast charging you’d get with a modern EV, as well advanced driver-assistance systems like lane-keeping and collision warnings. Safety is important with a hearse so you avoid the ironic fate of dying in one.
I dropped this in slack this morning and our own Adrian Clarke, who is double qualified as a car designer and a goth immediately shat on it:
I hope to never need a British hearse because that means I didn’t die as I intended: Having a heart attack while blasting down the Mulsanne Straight in a vintage Mazda 787 rotary in the Le Mans Classic. Who is right here? Boring dad or skinny goth?
My favorite factoid from the company’s press release is that it’s going to undergo 40,000 miles of testing because that means someone’s gotta drive this thing around all day to validate it, presumably in the slow lane going 15 mph under the speed limit. They even included a very slow tracking shot of it driving through a cemetery so you get the idea.
Photos: Coleman Milne
It’s a better use case for the Mach than whatever the fuck Ford was thinking.
The Mach-E is an abomination that should be killed with fire.
Adrian is correct.
Besides, the Taycan Cross/Sport Turismo is RIGHT THERE. I don’t want anything to do with the ungainly Mach-E in death or in life. I should, however, include a demand for a 750-hp electroparsh launch in my will. Send me out by sending it, or I’ll haunt you.
FSDH – Full Self Driving Hearse – must be the next big thing then.
But will it get you to the church on time?
Oh, and the Mazda 787 would make a great hearse. The coffin could be carried on the massive rear wing.
It would have to be painted black ( maybe with JPS gold trim) . Goth Rides approved?
My Mazda 787 in GT7 is of course, black (someone monochromed the Reknown livery and I jumped on that shit).
First, we need a Gladiator 4XE. Then, Gladiator 4XE with hardtops for alternating duties, such as hearse, flower car, family limo, and discreet body retrieval. It’s already one of the last remaining boxy vehicles on sale (to better adapt to the hearse shape), it’s already well suited to body modification (BOF, factory removable roof), has a little bit of green cred. Maybe even make destination burials a thing?
I’ve heard of putting lipstick on a pig, but this adds a lacy teddy and split crotch panties.
And I’ve blasted down the Mulsanne straight in my modified C6 Corvette (2007-pre race lap)
Didn’t crash and burn, though. I wasn’t too old to rock and roll, but I was too young to die.
I’m with Adrian on this one, a Volvo V90 hearse looks dignified. This just looks like a bizarre mashup.
That horse of a hearse is quite perverse
And comes a shock to the hearse averse.
That is of certs unless the hearse
Is the famous Mister Dead!
Oops, dropped an “as” from line two.
Good one, Wilbur.
I haven’t fully admitted that I have given up on having a Hemi Hearse with a Satanic as envisioned by Marilyn Manson style. This Mach E conversion falls into an uncanny valley between smooth and cool, ending up neither. All the sculpting and faux venting was exhausting on the Mach, pasting that huge bubble onto it’s butt makes it look like a boring appliance wearing an angry mask.
Looking at the last picture, I can’t help imagining it with the original roofline and minus the tacked-on rear upper bodywork.
I never knew I wanted a Mach-E dual cab pickup until now…
I had the same thought. Mach-E-Chero.
Cheers mate! I hate it so much!
And yet I want it! RHD and all, seems like I should drive it everywhere! At maximum allowable speed!
I want to make the neighbours cringe!
It’s haunted by the ghost of its original roofline.
I almost bought several hearses in high school, but rot (’67 Cadillac MM limo-style end-loader, ’73 same except landau) and engine issues (’75 Cadillac MM landau in rose pink with matching vinyl roof had rod knock) prevented it from happening and I’m past that now, though I still like them. I don’t like British style hearses, but I don’t know if anyone makes a good looking hearse at all anymore and probably not many since ambulances moved to separate platforms. This one doesn’t work for me for the lines, British style, and overly tall proportions that are tragically shared with other modern hearses. Great application for electric, though.
“We have long championed the electric hearse at Coleman Milne,”
I kept reading that as Coleman Mines for some reason. You’d certainly have a lot of space to store caskets if you had a mine. Also you wouldn’t have all the exhaust fumes down there. And it’d be extra quiet if you hired Mimes as pallbearers to work in Coleman Mine and Cemetery.
Once underground, though, they would be prohibited from working due to child labor laws.