Pebble Beach – what a grand time! People looking fancy, cars looking fancy, food tasting fancy, pinkies tired from pointing next to fingers holding champaign glasses! But as they say, there’s no such thing as a free lunch, and Pebble Beach’s caviar and crab meat may now be demanding their payment in the form of… prostitution? I know, I know — this blog is off to an extremely weird start. But my inbox is full of text messages from people asking for all sorts of things that — upon Googling them — I learned are not exactly, uh, family friendly. So proceed reading this article with caution.
Pebble Beach: What a great time to hang out with friends, talk with industry people, and look at beautiful cars. Am I more of a Woodward Dream Cruise guy? Sure, but if you can’t have fun at Pebble Beach, somethin’ ain’t right. Look at all this fun:
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Unfortunately, this joy was quickly replaced by horror, as — while driving the one-of-80 Lincoln Continental Coach Door Edition back to LA — I began receiving texts. Lewd texts. Ones with terminology that I’d never even heard before. Check it out:
What the hell is an incall? An outcall? I did a bit of Googling upon receiving these messages, and saw this:
OH MY GOODNESS. These folks think I’m a prostitute! I also got this message:
What the French Toast is a damn “QV” deal? Some googling revealed:
Jesus! What the heck!
Where were these people getting my number? After picking up the phone when one of them called (!) only to listen to them frantically hang up the phone when what they thought would be a sexy girl voice ended up being a 32 year-old car-dude’s voice, I replied to some and asked:
Escort Alligator? What the? I Googled it and found little. I also Googled “hh,” because I have no clue what that could possibly mean. Apparently it means a sexual encounter that lasts a half an hour.
And look, I realize this is a car website, and that — who knows — maybe these messages have nothing to do with the business cards I’d been handing out the prior days, so I understand if some of y’all are a bit uncomfortable, here. I sure as hell am. But let’s just lean into this since we’re already far down this road. Here are some other short solicitation texts I received:
- Hey love
- U available
- Hi babe. Interested in seeing you
- Hi there babe
- Hey
- Hello
- Wyd
- Wassup love
- Hi
- Wya
I also got a text that read:
Wats good wit you bro in teyna get some work done to my truck
[…]
You fixed me an my bro trucks the black one an blue one [sender’s physical address]
Not sure if the truck thing is connected to the prostitution thing and if “fixed me an my bro trucks” is some kind of euphemism, but I sure as hell have no intention of finding out.
I googled my phone number and found some shocking imagery that will require me to douse rubbing alcohol all over my body and pray at least three rosaries and Yom my Kippur at least 19 times.
Apparently I’m a 35 year-old from Kansas City named Jasmin who sees “men only” and has these rules:
no bb
no bbj
no daty
fetish friendly
no gfe
I don’t know what the hell any of that means, except that fourth line, which means they might be into just hanging out with Jason and looking at taillights. There might be more on that ad, but I literally cannot look at it any longer. I must avert my eyes and possibly wipe this whole laptop clean.
Naturally, my coworkers had a field-day with my misery:
As you can see, I wanted to include the listing, but with pixellated images. But I didn’t know if it was OK to ask employees to look at that kind of thing, so in the end, we just didn’t include the ad. Here we are trying to figure out how this happened:
Thomas did a bit of sleuthing, though I worry about his computer now that he downloaded those. More importantly, I’m a bit offended by this one-star rating:
Here’s everyone getting their jokes in. LAUGH IT UP:
Damn I hope I don’t get anymore texts from horndogs. I really would rather have remained ignorant about QVs and hhs and also just how many lonely dudes there are out there. But alas, Pebble Beach giveth, and Pebble Beach taketh away.
Using Dan Ackroyd’s voice: “And now, I shall arrange myself in various poses as to arouse your primal desire. I’m David Tracy, male prostitute.”
Here, I can translate for the less worldly among you:
qv – Quattrovalvole; as someone else noted, definitely in line with Adrian’s Mondial fetish
hh – hemi hunter
bb – Bangle butts
bbj – Brembo brake job
daty – d**ned automatic transmissions, yo
fetish friendly – all things taillight related; this is most assuredly Jason’s department
gfe – ghastly fuel economy
Escort Alligator – one of the clips holding my Ford together
As always, Goth Uncle Adrian is the best.
Well jeez, now I want to go to Pebble Beach!
Just another Midwesterner trying to make it big in LA and eventually falling victim to the big city.
one star, brought spaghetti into the shower.
Someone has GOT to be into this, right?
Rule 34 amigo
It’s all in the marketing.
“Dinner date: $200. Spaghetti Shower: $450″
Just you my man!
Thank you, David,et al. I really needed a laugh this afternoon, and y’all provided a most excellent opportunity. I’ve no idea what most of that meant, and I’m NOT Googling it. But my mental image of David’s face on discovery of that ad (think cartoonish eye-popping) will keep me chuckling for days. Thank you again!
David the Midnight Cowboy?
Everybody’s textin’ at me
I don’t like a word they’re sayin’
Rather have calicos on my mind
Perverts scrollin’ , starin’
Don’t understand these places
Oh my, I should wash my eyes
I wish work let me do this kind of research on my work computer. 🙁
Shamefully, I’d be a QV for sure. 😀
(Note that I have never even been in a strip club, let alone purveyed an escort)
It’s alright, brother, we won’t tell mommy you strayed.
Amusingly, she wouldn’t care. She might be amused though.
Being an homme du monde I think I know what ALL those abbreviations mean.
“Quattrovalvole”
WOW, We need a merch based on this conversation. Maybe the next membership swag?
Clear heels with an Autopian logo over both toes.
Little matchbox car in each heel.
So that’s what the Autopian RV is for!
I think that mama cat is getting back at you for stealing her precious kittens.
Remember, if you Yom your Kippur too much, you’ll go blind.
David
You don’t have to put out the red light
Those days are over
You don’t have to sell you body to the night
This must be a prostitution Sting – someone called The Police!
Please. No noise complaints. We’re just getting tantric.
Oh thank god you’re here.
I spent half my Sunday on a silly little road trip in my Mazda to my favorite burger shack on the planet.
My wife came along. Our dogs nestled comfortably into the back seats of the coupe.
We ate our burgers and fries on a picnic bench in a park overlooking the river. Then walked our dogs along the trails intertwined with the river banks as the sun set in its opaque silence.
That sounds adorable! What are you doing back here?
Checking and giving myself notifications to check later.
Why? That sounds like a great day.
Get out of here!
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!
What’s up with the old movie quote there? Are you OK?
What is that from?
Godfather three I think. Never seen em so I’m not sure.
You’ve never seen The Godfather?!
Nope, and I don’t care to.
Fair.. it’s actually quite a boring movie.
Everyone’s a critic these days.
I thought we were supposed to leave this planet for no raisin…
?
Right behind you.
We thought it was Jason who put out the red light.
I’m not saying you deserve this kind of attention David, but you did just advertise your services to people who to get down and dirty…
https://www.theautopian.com/learn-how-to-off-road-with-the-autopian-at-detroit-4fest-next-month/
We’re always experimenting with innovative new revenue streams here at The Autopian!
COTD!!
I think the Atlantic beat you to this one.
Sidenote: I busted out laughing at Adrian’s kitten comment just as my boss at my day job walked in, so I had to explain to him what was so funny…
How well did that go? 🙂
Same. I’m curious.
He just shook his head. Not much rattles him.
I guess that’s a pretty good outcome. It could have been a lot worse.
WOW, you gave your card to someone that works at the ole lighting site?
Adrian came up with some good ones LOL
Let me help you out:
bb – big bumpers
bbj – bad boy jeep
daty – duelly all-terrain yaris
fetish friendly – taillights, door handles, gearshifts, and hood ornaments
gfe – golden ford experience
I would like to see an article about that daty
I’m thinking I’m a lucky person for not knowing what any of that stuff means. The rule about “no gfe” probably doesn’t mean “no Government Furnished Equipment”. 😐
And re: Adrian’s comment: I’m going to assume a “feral kitten” actually is an unsocialized feline and not a euphemism for anything. 🙂
David are you available for 24h LM? I want to W124, TRD, SS and E39.
Now you’re speaking my language!
“…are you available for 24h LM?”
Sometimes it pays to advertise:
https://www.murileemartin.com/UG/LWA12/LWA12-UG-077.jpg
This guy knows
Just
Employ
Every
Prostitute
It gives new meaning to those spare tire covers that say “If you can read this, flip me over”.
I guess David wasn’t aware of all the perks being offered to Velour and Rich Corinthian Leather members.
Sorry man, we all thought you were into it. I’m not gonna ask for a refund, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed.
I dunno what’s better.. one star, got my underwear all rusty and fell asleep on me! or one star, wouldn’t stop talking about Jeeps!
Great way to start my Friday.