If 200 People Become Autopian Members In April I Will Purchase A Pontiac Aztek, Daily-Drive It For A Month, And Live In It

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The Autopian is TWO years-old today, March 32nd, 2024! Thank you all so much for reading! To coincide with this incredible anniversary, The Autopian is conducting a “membership drive” to keep this place’s [points around the website] cylinder walls, cam lobes, and journal bearings in tip-top shape so we can keep running for many, many years. You see, media is a tough nut to crack, and while you could argue that we’ve done the hard part of building a website and setting up ads and creating a brand and building a loyal readership (again, thank you!), we’re gonna need to do a tune-up and put some fresh oil into this air-cooled V-twin motor to keep it going, long term. As such, I have a proposal, and it involves me buying and living in the ugliest car in the world.

I’ll be honest with you: I like the idea of driving a Pontiac Aztek for a few days. I’d get to explore its features, I’d get to ogle at a fascinating point in General Motors history, and I could even put it up against modern cars to see how its legendary versatility stacks up. But as much as I’d like to drive an Aztek, I really, really don’t want to daily-drive one for a month.

I had to daily-drive my girlfriend’s Lexus RX 350 for six weeks as part of a “One Car Challenge,” and while that car is excellent for what it is, that experience was painful. Painful because I own eight cars, and the idea of driving a boring machine when I could be driving a 1966 Ford Mustang, 1985 Jeep J10, 1991 Jeep Wrangler, or 2014 BMW i3 — it’s just maddening.

Will the glacially-slow, four-speed-slushbox-equipped Pontiac Aztek drive me mad as a daily driver, especially knowing which cars I’m foregoing? Or will I somehow fall in love with its soul and practicality and decent ride quality? How will the fuel economy be? Will it be reliable? I’m worried about the transmission.

Nobody knows.

But to find out, The Autopian will have to gain 200 new members by April 30. If that happens, then I’m hitting up Facebook Marketplace and buying the cheapest tent-equipped Pontiac Aztek I can find. Speaking of, let’s see…what do I have locally…

Screen Shot 2024 04 01 At 7.57.33 Am

Woh! Are you seeing what I’m seeing?!

“It has the complete camper setup with the folding seats and fold out tray W/Tent”!

Hot damn!:

Screen Shot 2024 04 01 At 9.43.52 Am

If you become a member, I will not only buy an Aztek like this one and daily-drive it for a month, but I’ll live in it for an entire work-week. I’ll even blog from inside the tent!

Our annual membership is 20% off, meaning Vinyl is now $80 a year. That gets you exclusive content like Tales From The Slack, plus a shirt and a rare bumper sticker:

  • As A Vinyl Member You Get:

    • Everything in Cloth, plus…
    • A limited edition Members Only bumper sticker
    • A limited edition Members Only shirt

Velour is now $200 a year instead of $250. That comes with all that^ plus:

  • As A Velour Member You Get:

    • Everything in Cloth+Vinyl, plus…
    • A custom grille badge for your car
    • Invites to a quarterly virtual trivia night
    • A Jason drawing on your birthday

The Jason drawing is worth $200 alone if you ask me. Look at these things!

Anyway, the other annual plans are all 20% off, too, so it’s possible we’ll get to 200 this month, meaning I’ll have to take up residence in a supremely ugly 2000s-era General Motors product. Who wouldn’t want to do that?!

About the Author

Jason Torchinsky

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155 thoughts on “If 200 People Become Autopian Members In April I Will Purchase A Pontiac Aztek, Daily-Drive It For A Month, And Live In It”

  1. I’ll just say that camping in a tent for a week in May is certainly more of a challenge in Detroit than LA but I’ll still read about it. . .

  2. If David puchases a non-running Aztek in Michigan (because that’s where all of them are) and drives it to LA, I will upgrade my membership.

  3. I’m onboard with this, but instead, set up a press tour for David in which he camps in his Aztek along Route 66 or a variety of automotive historical sites. I want to see him cook a dinner of weenies in the engine bay as he trundles along to Cadillac Ranch.

    You may want to burn or crush the Aztek instead of raffling it off afterwards.

    1. Yeah, now that would be interesting. Somehow have to fit shower spaghetti in there…maybe he heats up the spaghetti in the engine and then eats it in an “outdoor shower” setup attached to the tent in the back?

  6. Living in a normal house with normal human companionship and driving sort-of normal cars is clearly wearing on DT, and he must crave his old shower-spaghetti madness. Don’t be fooled–David is determined to live in that Aztek regardless of the number of new members, and wants everyone to think it’s for “journalism.”

  8. I can’t believe NPR hadn’t thought of this fundraising strategy first. Terry Gross interviewing guests out of a VW Beetle? Ari Shapiro road tripping across America in the same RV as Justice Thomas? The reports would practically write themselves.

    1. 1. After Gossin cleaned up so nice on the vid about whatever auto show that was, I could see him interviewing Mr Justice Thomas about his RV.
      2. David, will you be bathing in the sea for this new van life episode? I definitely hope so.
      3. The cliff separating Velour and RC Leather is a steep one. But if there was a “Donate to the Autopian “ button in your merch menu, I’d probably be pushing it today. Just a suggestion. But David bathing in the sea, that’s more of an earnest plea.

  9. When the Aztek was a new model, I seriously considered one. This is neither a joke nor an April Fool’s shenanigan.

    They were inexpensive and had a V-6, AWD, a good amount of cargo space, and 16″ wheels. I didn’t mind the cladding tooooo much, and thought it looked best paired with black or yellow paint.

    Sadly the engine was the 3.4 rather than the 3800 but hardly anything is perfect.

  10. While this is an intriguing offer, I would ask that you please re-consider living in the Aztec David. It’s a much better vehicle than the rep it gets, but I don’t think you need to live inside it like some cash strapped van-lifer.

    Here’s a counter proposal though. If you can get an interview with the supervillian behind Tesla over his proposed cheaper model and optionally get some video of some sick wheelies on the cyberquad, I’m in for a membership.

    1. I wouldn’t be opposed to a video segment where Torch, dressed as a conquistador, hunts DT with his F-150 while towing a Cortez camper.

      2. Now *THAT* would drum up some good publicity for the site.

        Maybe that’s next year’s idea. You know…after he buys the Aztek and never quite gets around to selling it. That way he can get double duty out of it. A win-win situation!

  13. You bastards, I’m in. Just trying to decide if I can swing Velour or not.

    Note: the coupon code is “mustang2yearanniversrary”. Typo and all.

  14. I can’t imagine they’re glacially slow. A v6 and four speed auto in a vehicle that size will make it….. exactly the same as every other contemporary minivan. So fine, and faster than several of the Tracy vehicles.

      1. Get ready to feel the exhilaration of that 9.2 second 0-60 time! Hurtling down Sunset Blvd. in all your faded GM plastic-clad glory!

        Only some sarcasm here, I’m personally excited.

        2. My second car was a hot hatch. I’d done four slow years in a hand-me-down 2CV and now it was time for some speed. So I bought a Citroen AX GT. 0-60 in 8.8 seconds. That was fast in 80’s England, only 0.2 seconds slower than an non-turbo RX7.

          And now I find out this ugly house on wheels is less than half a second slower.

    2. I would expect a 0-60 time in the 10 to 12 second range, which is absolutely fine. These things were not built for speed. The expectations were also very different 20+ years ago.

      2. I really don’t know why expectations changed. People are the same, roads are the same, cars and cars performance should also be the same.

        But in my book:
        20+: really slow
        15-20: slow
        12-15: fine, keeps up with traffic without any issues
        10-12: zippy and fun
        Under 10: legitimately fast

        4. I’ve tried saying something similar (as someone who’s only ever owned two vehicles, both in the 10-12 range) but California people rebuke me and say you need to be faster for merges (or at least, out there)

            1. ’97 Econoline, 4.6l Triton. I didn’t scientifically measure it, but somewhere in the 10 to under 12 second range was my experience.

              Here’s two videos showing it (neither mine).

              https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWJNQWC52uI 2011 model, but still the 4.6l. (Would the difference in years have caused a major jump in acceleration?…I wouldn’t think so?) 11.4 seconds recorded.

              https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_aFAOo0rHQ ’99, again feels like 11-12 seconds there.

              I admit, though, in looking for my next conversion van I’d consider either an E-series or an Express/Savana, and I mildly salivate at the thought of experiencing an LS for myself.

              1. Okay, I kind of assumed it would have been a 302, and the 4.6 has significantly more power. The newer year does matter, because in 2006 all the Tritons went to 3 valves per cylinder and picked up like 50hp on the top end.

                A 302 automatic van would have been ~15 seconds 0-60.

                1. Yeah, ’96 was the last year for the Windsor engines.

                  That makes sense, and to be fair maybe that ’99 video only shows like upper 11, maybe lower 12 seconds. Still was perfectly usable in Pennsylvania in my experience.

                  1. In half tons 96 was the last model year. They made the old bodystyle and the old engines in 3/4 and one ton for 1997 model year. It got confusing for a minute there.

                    1. Oh geez. That’s much more offensive than the exterior facelift happening in 2008 and waiting a year before doing the interior facelift.

                    2. It gets better. The f150 changed 1997 model year, but the 250 and 350 stayed with the old bodystyle for 1997. The 250 and 350 were replaced with the 1999 Super Duty. But there’s a gap: 1998 model year. There is no 1998 f350 or diesel f250, or any crew cab, because the one year only 1998 f250 was a heavy half ton using the jellybean f150 body and frame.

  15. Your offer reminds me of the stripper who offered to sit on my lap.
    All I had to do was buy a $100 buck bottle of champagne.

    But thanks for 2 years of madness. I am going to count and roll up my pennies now.
    Hope there’s enough to finally be able to buy a membership.

  19. Y’all are nuts if you aren’t members yet.

    I want that sweet, sweet Aztek content. Please sign up.

    As for the Aztek, it came in a number of rad colors, please try to get your hands on “Fusion Orange Metallic”. It’s the most 00’s color for sure.

    1. He can always partner with Mercedes, he gets the Aztek and she gets an RV to do a full Breaking Bad “cosplay” for extra revenue stream. Someone else maybe Jason can get a Volvo wagon to play the Gus part.

    1. Exactly. I don’t plan or execute March 32nd pranks, but enough other people do them that I have a hard time believing any special offers on this particular date.

      1. Speaking for me, but memberships are good for the same reason I don’t like them: they’re dependable, sustainable, recurring revenue.

        I try to minimize how many things I’m subscribed to…but I get it. We’re already seeing with Herb Herbfeller what happens when you’re beholden to advertisers. So of the two evils, it’s the lesser one.

  24. The Aztek Content we demanded hath arrivethed, and it be good.

    Does upgrading memberships count towards the goal? Cuz like, I’ll upgrade right now with zero hesitation

    3. That was my thought too. Or can I cancel my membership and restart it? Or maybe a tip jar to add to the Aztek pot.

      Never driven one but driven a few of the related minivans. Not fast but I wouldn’t call them awful for time.

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