The Autopian is TWO years-old today, March 32nd, 2024! Thank you all so much for reading! To coincide with this incredible anniversary, The Autopian is conducting a “membership drive” to keep this place’s [points around the website] cylinder walls, cam lobes, and journal bearings in tip-top shape so we can keep running for many, many years. You see, media is a tough nut to crack, and while you could argue that we’ve done the hard part of building a website and setting up ads and creating a brand and building a loyal readership (again, thank you!), we’re gonna need to do a tune-up and put some fresh oil into this air-cooled V-twin motor to keep it going, long term. As such, I have a proposal, and it involves me buying and living in the ugliest car in the world.
I’ll be honest with you: I like the idea of driving a Pontiac Aztek for a few days. I’d get to explore its features, I’d get to ogle at a fascinating point in General Motors history, and I could even put it up against modern cars to see how its legendary versatility stacks up. But as much as I’d like to drive an Aztek, I really, really don’t want to daily-drive one for a month.
I had to daily-drive my girlfriend’s Lexus RX 350 for six weeks as part of a “One Car Challenge,” and while that car is excellent for what it is, that experience was painful. Painful because I own eight cars, and the idea of driving a boring machine when I could be driving a 1966 Ford Mustang, 1985 Jeep J10, 1991 Jeep Wrangler, or 2014 BMW i3 — it’s just maddening.
Will the glacially-slow, four-speed-slushbox-equipped Pontiac Aztek drive me mad as a daily driver, especially knowing which cars I’m foregoing? Or will I somehow fall in love with its soul and practicality and decent ride quality? How will the fuel economy be? Will it be reliable? I’m worried about the transmission.
Nobody knows.
But to find out, The Autopian will have to gain 200 new members by April 30. If that happens, then I’m hitting up Facebook Marketplace and buying the cheapest tent-equipped Pontiac Aztek I can find. Speaking of, let’s see…what do I have locally…
Woh! Are you seeing what I’m seeing?!
“It has the complete camper setup with the folding seats and fold out tray W/Tent”!
Hot damn!:
If you become a member, I will not only buy an Aztek like this one and daily-drive it for a month, but I’ll live in it for an entire work-week. I’ll even blog from inside the tent!
Our annual membership is 20% off, meaning Vinyl is now $80 a year. That gets you exclusive content like Tales From The Slack, plus a shirt and a rare bumper sticker:
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As A Vinyl Member You Get:
- Everything in Cloth, plus…
- A limited edition Members Only bumper sticker
- A limited edition Members Only shirt
Velour is now $200 a year instead of $250. That comes with all that^ plus:
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As A Velour Member You Get:
- Everything in Cloth+Vinyl, plus…
- A custom grille badge for your car
- Invites to a quarterly virtual trivia night
- A Jason drawing on your birthday
The Jason drawing is worth $200 alone if you ask me. Look at these things!
Anyway, the other annual plans are all 20% off, too, so it’s possible we’ll get to 200 this month, meaning I’ll have to take up residence in a supremely ugly 2000s-era General Motors product. Who wouldn’t want to do that?!
Dam I signed up too soon. I would have done it again just to see David living in an Aztek in LA for a week but it has to be in the summer. Maybe in the El Pulpo (Pull and Save) in Sun Valley.
I like how David is pretending he isn’t absolutely giddy at the possibility of buying another car and living in it for a week. He’ll probably create 190 fake accounts just go guarantee the likelihood of this happening.
It’s got 118,000 miles and a good tent. At $2,500, it will be sold by April 30 – and I’m guessing it already has been, to David, because this kind of thing doesn’t occur without planning.
Since he’s not going to be able to do this in Santa Monica, I’m guessing he’ll end up as a July promotional exhibit at Galpin Ford to bring people in. Enjoy your red hot American summer in Van Nuys, Dave! And do membership extensions count?
I can get behind the buying and daily driving of the Aztek for clicks, content and memberships, but living out of the tent version for a week?
I hope you don’t plan on doing so in LA.
There’s enough of that going on all ready.
I hope you mean take it camping for a week.
If you hadn’t got me with the President’s Day promo already, this would have made me pull the trigger on signing up!
We all assumed you’d end up living in the Golden Eagle, so this is actually a pretty positive alternative.
Go for it! These things are U-body minivans in ugly suits. That means a 185 hp 3400 V6 and a 4T65. IIRC top speed is 106 for the van. Probably slightly lower for the Aztek. Romp on the gas and it’ll move right along since it has lots of torque down low. Expect about 17 to 20 mpg around town and high 20’s highway. Our old U-body got 30 mpg highway pretty routinely on longer trips. May it rust in pieces.
I kind of want there to be some tracker like a Domino’s Pizza tracker so we can see how close the site is to the 200 goal.
The question is If we get just 10 people to get the “Rich Corinthian Leather” membership, will David buy two Azteks?
Oh, come on now admit it, you’re going to do that anyway.
You have my attention….
I might just sign up my wife and daughter for additional subscriptions just to see this happen.
Hey Autopian lumatics, happy March 32th!
I will subscribe to Velour* if Adrian puts to the metal all the fixes he proposed on his last article.
*at a later date when my finances allow me, just had a kid and there’s maybe another in the works…
If David promises to test how fast you can drive it before the tent blows off, I’ll subscribe.
Hahah, is that possible?
Incoming June 2024 article from DT: “I permanently moved out of my apartment and into the AzTent, and this is why it was actually a genius decision.”
Also. “How I lost my girlfriend in a week…”
I dunno man. She’s hung around this long, I’m getting weird “keeper” vibes
You mean, “How my girlfriend threw out all my unicorn Jeep parts and redecorated the entire apartment while I was trapped in a crappy tent.”
Well turning the website into the Aztekopian was probably to heavy of a pull but this is a very valid alternative.
I’m already a subscriber so I won’t add to the numbers but look forward to seeing my $ go to a great cause.
Happy March 32nd, Congratulations!
I’m hoping that you snag another 200 subscribers because I want to see this Aztec thing happen.
Make sure you get working air and it doesn’t smell like cat pee or armpits or something. A month of that would be hard to take and would ruin the potential of an Autopian loaner/tour bus in the future. Beware the 6 pack of Little Trees all used at once.
I wish I hadn’t already subscribed, just so I could help make this happen.
Same. I just subscribed a couple of weeks ago, too…
I’m honestly surprised David hasn’t bought it already.
I guess we really are doing the Aztektopian thing huh.
This is definitely a David rather than Adrian thing though. Where would I put my boots? My books? Get a cocktail?
He does appear to be searching in your colour palette…
For this to be an Adrian thing, you’d have to move into a Renault Twingo.
The Avantime may be a better Aztek counterpart.
Thank you.
For some reason I was thinking about the Fiat Multipla when I typed Avantime. Pardon my silly American ignorance.
And Jason gets a Multipla.
I’d have to move into a hotel. With an endless supply of clean towels and a cocktail bar.
That is so on brand. 😎
Are you even a real writer if you haven’t lived in a hotel at some point? I think not.
Especially if you can get it written off as a work expense.
Go to Cancun, Mexico for a week to an all-inclusive resort. Lots of car-spotting to be had. Renaults, Peugeots, JAC Sunday minibuses, SEAT and Dacia, facelifted Nissan Tsurus and a Chery on top. In addition to all the old North American metal that made the trek down to the Yucatan peninsula. Eclectic is an apt description. Watch out for the drunk Norteamericanos.
I mean, I became a member today and if you want to get on with an Aztek and show what it’s all about, I’m here for it. But don’t live in it. You have a girlfriend right? Don’t live in it.
I say go for it. If you live in an Aztek for a month and she’s still there when you get back, you know it’s true love.
I guess.
But no. He should not do it. If she doesn’t stay through that (or worse, joins him in the Aztek) that is a reasonable response.
Don’t risk it David!
I have no idea why, but these three sentences together have me laughing hard enough to trigger coughing. Maybe it’s the mental picture of David and a bunch of cats saying “honey, come inside, the Aztek is warm.”
I’ve been reading David’s writing for a long time. I’ve seen the car parts in the dishwasher. I’ve seen shower spaghetti. It’s been a lonely life I’ve witnessed.
He has someone. David, you’ve grown! No need to backslide now!
Camping for a weekend is one thing. Maybe she’s amenable to that. Showcase the Aztek doing rugged, outdoorsy things like its designers intended before the bean counters cost-cut it into infamy.
Quoting myself back in the day: It doesn’t look like an Aztek on the inside. If you can deal with any GM product (and no, I can’t), you can deal with an Aztek.
MPG is a known. 19.5 is the average, and 21.5 for the final year, 2005.
So… not very good, but not horribly bad. Generally Mediocre.
Hrm…. vinyl… should I do it?? Someone convince me!
I did and you should too. We need to make this happen
Hold on, could this be a april fool’s prank?!
Do eet. I said I was gonna do it two years ago and I just finally got around to it.
If you’re not a member at all, there’s the low-key additional perk of the Members-Only Discord channel on the Autopian server. The writers (particularly Thomas and Adrian) are active on it, so you can beam bad car design takes even more directly at Adrian than via comments on his articles.
If you’re already in the Cloth seats, the Vinyl upgrade ends up being like $30/year for at least $30 worth of cool Autopian swag every year; that’s like a lifetime t-shirt supply for me!
Oh yeah, and getting featured on Readers’ Rides was literally the most internet famous I’ll ever be, so that was an extra special fun perk but admittedly not a guaranteed one.
How does one get into that secret channel?
Honestly no memory but DM-ing Hardigree on Discord should get the job done if you’re already on the general Autopian discord server.
Cool
Membership is great! Since I joined: food tastes better, the sky looks a little bluer, birds land on my shoulder sometimes and don’t even poop on me! Plus I am now two tee shirts, one bumper sticker, and one Changli pin richer!
That reminds me, I gotta find out if I’m supposed to have a pin coming or what.
Edit: vinyl since Jan 23 2024
I’m 100% here for this, but be careful DT! Don’t lose that girl of yours!
Not-so-hot-take: To live in the ugliest car in the world you’d have to buy a Civic Type R rather than an Aztec.
Either way, you should definitely do this. I have no doubt you’ll get 200 subs this month but even if you come up a few short, you should still do this.
….what’s wrong with the Civic Type R?
The real answer for ugliest car is the Nissan Cube. I will die on this hill.
I like the Cube well enough, I can appreciate the asymmetry. My biggest problem with the CTR is the rear 3/4 shot. It’s just doing too much, is it a sedan? Is it a hatchback? does it really need 23 vents and fans and wings and such? Maybe I’m just an old man now but it looks like it was styled for a teenager but carries a pricetag no teenager can swing.
I disagree, but understand your perspective.
At least when automakers mess with the back of a vehicle, they don’t have huge impacts on aerodynamics, right?
But for the CTR look there…I could take it or leave it. No strong feeling.