Ah yes, the Chevrolet Traverse. It’s, well, a car. When I hear “Chevy Traverse” do I think hearse? Nope. Instead, I think “mom car” with a Syracuse University magnet on the back and those weirdly tall factory cross bars.
Seriously, I know I can’t be the only one who thinks the bars look goofy. They’re extremely tall and not very wide. There’s like three feet underneath and two inches of width. What can you even fit up there? A pool noodle? A strand of uncooked spaghetti? I just get worked up about crossbars, as evidenced by my past.
I was recently in a weird Youtube deep-dive rabbit hole and came across a channel devoted to posting their hearses for sale. Parks Superior is a used and new hearse dealership located in Connecticut. It doesn’t appear that they do the conversion process themselves, but rather are supplied hearses to sell to funeral homes. They feature normal ones, like Lincoln MKTs, Cadillac XT5s, and Lincoln Nautiluses. Then I saw this abomination:
That’s right. Behold your eyes. Here it is… a Chevy Traverse hearse. “Trahearse” sounds eery, like the name of a Christine-esque horror movie. I have just one question, why? Why, out of all the SUVs in the world, they chose a Traverse to convert? The Buick Enclave exists and looks much classier and better than this thing. Why couldn’t they have used that?
I’m sure it comes down to many different factors, the price being one. However, this Traverse appears to be a mid-level LT trim, based on the lack of fog lights and the cloth interior, starting at $37,045. A base model Buick Enclave starts at just over $40,000. I’d imagine a GM dealership would hopefully knock a few bucks off the MSRP if they knew it was going to a funeral home. Why not spend the extra few hundred dollars and convert something, well, extremely nicer?
The taillights appear to be swiped from a late-model Cadillac XTS, which hasn’t been around since 2019. Thankfully, the Traverse is badged as a Chevy rather than up-badged to a Cadillac. If that were the case, we’d have some more problems.
Why?
Parks Superior says that this Traverse, also coded as the “CT Coach,” captures “modern design and unlimited versatility.” Hmmm. Not sure why a hearse needs tri-zone climate controls. Not to mention, this Traverse doesn’t even have any of the “versatility” features offered, such as a third row, AWD, and a power liftgate–you know, things people buy a Traverse for. This one, as equipped, would be a lackluster family vehicle, let alone a hearse. It just doesn’t have the “pizzazz” that a Cadillac or a Lincoln would in transporting grandma to the cemetery. Maybe throw on some white wall to the 18-inch tires.
When I die, for the love of Saab, please don’t let me be transported in this thing to my grave. Throw me in anything else. If you’re taking requests, perhaps a Land Rover Discovery hearse should suffice. That is, of course, if it makes it to the cemetery. If not, well, cremate the two of us together.
“Hmmm. Not sure why a hearse needs tri-zone climate controls.”
Spend a hot summer afternoon in a loaded hearse and let us know what you find out.
I’m surprised because I thought it was proven that Mr. and Ms. Bereaved didn’t want their loved ones carted off in a truck. I thought most people insisted on the traditional Cadillac Hearse.
Man, you’re in for a rude non-awakening when you see the usual fetch-the-body minivans that many funeral homes keep on hand. Minivans have low, flat floors with the rear seats out, so they’re popular with the industry for a reason.
That’s also why you should never say you wouldn’t be caught dead in a minivan.
While I think the person below who mentioned that this might also be used outside the funeral itself might’ve nailed it, they did a commendable job of broughaming up a Traverse, of all things.
I’m more offended that they’ve adopted the stupid trend of grey fake wood than I am at the vehicle itself. I know it’s easy to clean and fits the color scheme, but it reminds me of both an old worn-out fence and the cheapest possible “updates” a half-assed flipper will use to ruin an otherwise fine house. Tacky.
I embrace it. Throw me in the back of a minivan, and pick up some drywall and 2x4s at the home store along the way. Someone will need to finish that basement renovation. ( I swore that I’d finish it someday. Guess I was wrong.)
It’s not just an abomination…it’s a Traverse-ty.
Life is not a dress Trahearsal.
If my last ride is in a Chevy Traverse, you obviously didn’t love me.
It’s got Cadillac tail lights for god’s sake! Why not just use an Escalade or something?
I can beat this. When I was 10, my grandfather passed away. No one really knows why…but somewhere along the line, it was decided that he should not be carried to his final resting place in a hearse. Instead, they put his casket in the back of his red and white, mid 80’s Chevrolet pickup (with bed topper). And for more reasons no one remembers, I was to ride in the truck from the funeral home to the cemetery. Hearing the casket slide around in the back was…odd. And finally, once we reached the cemetery, they planted me behind the wheel of the truck and had me drive it to the grave site. I think it was the first time I had ever driven a car in my life. What a weird fucking memory to have, and I tell it to everyone who doesn’t believe I come from a long line of rednecks.
I hope you’ve been able to see a therapist for that. Unless you’re totally ok with it, which I might’ve been only because I got to drive as a kid.
Admittedly, I was pretty excited to drive the truck. My therapist found the story amusing, btw.
I hope your therapist asked about the engine/transmission combo. It’s just common decency. I hope someone in your family said, “Hell, I got a great idea!” instead of, “Hell, you know how much they want to rent a Hearse?”
I definitely think it fell within the “hell I got a great idea!” category, knowing the woman he was married to at the time. We suspect she may have been behind it.
Well, at least you didn’t have to ride in the back with Grandpa. That is some serious redneckousness.
I’ll bet you parked on the grass, too.
“Hmmm. Not sure why a hearse needs tri-zone climate controls. ” Well, depending on how high the settings go, you could cut one stop from the itinerary, and use the way-back as a crematorium.
I propose that this Traversity exists precisely because everyone hates it. Here’s how the scam works. It’s ( according to late night cable TV) a good and proper thing for Granny to prepay for her own funeral so that the kids won’t be burdened with the expense. Prices start @ a low, low, $15,000! But: if you want a coffin that not made of basement paneling ….. it’s a bit more…and you don’t want to meet Jesus in a Chevy…well for just $2,000 you can have a Buick.
Choice of denominations for the Rabbi/Priest/Minister/Shaman doing the service? Here’s the price list.
If they had re-badged it as a Cadillac, they could call it the Cimarron.
I’ve already told my family that if they decide to memorialize me with a sticker in the back window of an Altima, I will find a way to come back and haunt them. May need to add this to the threat
I as well have made it very clear to not memorialize me on a car window, but looks like some more details need to be covered with the family now.
I too have made this threat.
Ya mean, memorialize you as a stick figure with “x” eyes lying there next to Ma, Pa, 3 kids, dog & cat stick figures? Hey, it would be a conversation starter!
If anything related to me is stuck on or carried away in an Altima, I will come back and haunt people with as much terrifying violence as I can muster. Full-on poltergeist from hell. Well, unless the sticker reads “Stef said to kill this Altima.”
As a point of contention, an Enclave starts just shy of $45k – whether you’re talking invoice (because you’re inevitably getting from an upfitter who’s paying GM something related to invoice) or MSRP, it’s like a $7k jump, and I’m pretty sure to a fleet salesperson, a funeral home is just another business. That said, it’s a shame GM doesn’t appear to use RPO R1P anymore.
I want cremation either way, so even the stingy VW EV not-a-frunk would suffice for my last ride.
RIP was an RPO for a gm hearse?!?
R1P, but yeah, coachbuilder package on the Fleetwood, a prep kit for hearse conversion.
Keep in mind that not all hearses are for funeral duty. Some, in decidedly less opulent form, are for pickups- going to the nursing home to cart off Grandma’s still-warm corpus delecti to be embalmed at the mortuary. I think this one will be your second-to-last ride.
Most of the First Call vehicles I have seen are either weathered or externally boring. Sometimes it’s just an old Mini-Van or similar cargo vehicle that can handle a gurney. But often it’s just the old hearse they don’t use anymore.
But this thing . . . is kinda horrible. It lacks soul. And nobody sane is going to buy it as a first call vehicle.
My mortician buddy had an early 70’s Olds 98 based-hearse for this kind of work. It was light blue. I think back in the day, any transport of the deceased was in a vehicle that was dedicated as a hearse. These days you might get slinters in the ass from the plywood that was picked up yesterday from Home Depot.
Oh man, I WANT to go out in an Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight. One of my favorite full-size cars right there.
Way way back in the day, hearses and ambulances shared body haulin’ duty, available regardless of how alive the person out back was.
Extra points if the 98 is donked out like they do in Oakland, CA. Gold wheels and everything.
“It lacks soul.”
The car’s not the only thing lacking soul!
Seems fitting.
Are you telling me you wouldn’t be caught dead in a Traverse?
“Hmmm. Not sure why a hearse needs tri-zone climate controls.” lol
One for the driver and two for the deceased, depending on which way they’re headed.
The base vehicle probably came with it, so heck, they left it in. That way you open-window sickos up front won’t force the body out back to get all warm and stinky.
I’ll be dead, so I likely will not care. But if the afterlife is something out of pick-your-choice of ghost wandering around as a silent observer, for the love of god please don’t make my last ride be in a modified 3-row SUV.
Somehow even whiter and 80% transparent me will be screaming into the void “Why isn’t this a van? Why didn’t they just use a goddamn van?!”
Yeah, just throw a vinyl top on a Sprinter Van and be done with it. No brainer.
Hell, I’m pretty sure I could fit a coffin in the back of the Voyager (Pacifica).
Confirmed, a typical casket is 7 feet long. Granted I suppose people like riding with the deceased.
I should probably have all these things in writing already, but I’m now oddly motivated to take care of this stuff because of this article. I don’t care what happens to my body. But please don’t make my last ride be in the back of a Traverse.
Minivans are often used as “first call” vehicles to fetch a body from the hospital/morgue/etc., or to bring it various places before the big, fancy funeral. You may well get this wish!
As for me, I still wanna go out like this: https://jalopnik.com/when-i-die-please-carry-body-around-the-nurburgring-on-1802906147
Well, either that or one of those super-green burials where my body gets composted. That sounds cool. I ain’t using it anymore anyway, so something else should.
I find the Traverse to be uniquely depressing as is. In a class of incredibly dull, mundane, function over form family haulers it somehow manages to be the blandest of the bunch. It comes at or near dead last in any comparison, racing to the bottom against the nearly as depressing Explorer.
It just doesn’t do anything well, and if you’re looking for the best examples of how hard GM and Ford can phone in vehicles this and the Explorer are perfect examples. When I see these on the road they just scream “I settled for this because it was the cheapest”, “I settled for this because it was all that was available”, “I refuse to buy anything that isn’t MURICAN”, or “I can’t be bothered to enter “what 7 seat crossover sucks the least” into google”. I feel like I need to call my doc about upping my SSRI just talking about it.
…and now, the Trahearse? This is the worst thing I’ll see all week. There is not a more depressing end then being transported to your final resting place in the Trahearse. The only way it could be worse is if the driver is blasting Imagine Dragons the entire time. Talk about adding insult to injury. I wanted to be cremated before I saw this, and now I am even more sure of it.
Or just toss me in a river or something. I won’t care, I’ll be dead…although I think incinerating me while playing a playlist I’ve put together that’s half tear jerkers and half ruthless trolling is ideal. Check it out everyone! NSane has a mix for us. Hahaha why would Chacarron and Mike Jones be on a funeral mix? Oh god it’s the title track of Disintegration and its 8 minutes of powerful emotive anguish…when will this end?! Oh great we’ve moved on to Chief Keef…
I’ll say this, I’ve been in a Traverse and it’s definitely one of the few 3-row SUVs with an actual usable 3rd row.
Now that we’ve covered the only thing good about it, we can also state it should just be a van, since it’s the same damn size as one, but without useful sliding doors and worse packaging.
It definitely is the most boring of the crop these days now that the Pilot looks… fine now.
I’ve got a 2023 and the powertrain is excellent, the ride and handling top notch, and the fuel economy better than expected. Top marks to GM in my view. My SIL has a Pilot and it doesn’t drive nearly as well IMHO.
Between the coffin and the driver, at least two people are dead inside.
Hell yeah, hilarious!
Needs more Cow Bell.
Throw me in this and cremate me. At least I can take this thing out with me, then.
What would this be as opposed to a Viking funeral? A Lansing funeral?
So you’re saying a Chang-Li hearse conversion is in the works?
If you’re taking your last ride in a Disco, I think cremation is a given.
If it catches fire, it’ll do the cremating for us. Take that over-priced funeral homes
Just because we’re bereaved doesn’t mean we’re saps
This is for blue collar funerals.
As for me, I told my wife to have me freeze dried and plop me on the couch with a Mr Pibb in my hand, and it’ll be like I’m still there.
Mr. Pibb?!? Dude didn’t even get his degree. You should rock the Dr. into the afterlife.
Yeah, Mr. Pibb is blasphemy in TX!
Honestly I don’t care what happens to my body once I’m dead. I’ll be dead!
Yes but your spirit will care! What if you’re re-incarnated into a broken Nissan Altima when you could have been a Carrera GT or better yet, a Nissan Maxima!
Really?! If anybody puts me in any new car, especially a Tesla/EV…I will haunt them forever pissed off
I don’t want my last ride to be in a hearse. Fold me in to my Lotus.
Also, out of respect for the deceased, I want it to be driven as fast as legally allowed, or a bit faster.
I’ve told my family this.
As long as there is a police escort through town, it would be great if the hearse was driven by a racing driver, and he drove as fast as possible like it was a racing street-course. The family just gets to try to keep up.