Jason Discovers British Bean Cuisine, And We’re Workshopping The David Tracy Video Series Of Our Dreams: Tales From The Slack

Slack Tales Beans
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Welcome back to another edition of Tales From The Slack, our Members Only peek at the behind-the-scenes goings-on here The Autopian. As expected, it’s quite bean-heavy:

Beans 1

Beans 2

You see, Adrian, as part of the British Ministry of Culture’s outreach plan, has sent tins of Heinz beans to high-ranking Autopians like Jason and David. If he can get them to really enjoy beans on toast, he will receive an anthology of Andy Capp comics, every year, for life.

David’s Takes

This week David decided he wanted to do an opinion piece every weekend, so Jason made this “bug” for the topshot images:

Dt Takes Bug

This led to some speculations involving magic mushrooms:

David Takes 1

David Takes 2

Slightly Dirty Talk

You know David’s hit series, Trade In Tuesdays? Have you thought about what the acronym for that would be? We sure have!

I Prefer Tint

Bit Aggresive

See? We’re children. Big dumb children.

 

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71 thoughts on “Jason Discovers British Bean Cuisine, And We’re Workshopping The David Tracy Video Series Of Our Dreams: Tales From The Slack”

  3. A few years ago British guy opened a newly purchased can of Heinz beans and discovered one (1) bean in a little over 400 grams of tomato sauce. That’s a big enough deal in the UK that it made the international news. I recall Heinz’ PR gurus had to get involved.

  5. As much as I love beans (and crop-dusting people who cross me), I really need to try beans on toast.

    Also, there weren’t really set titles at my part-time job. The first stab on what to put on my resume was “Asset Manager,” but given that we’re all a bunch of twelve-year-olds at heart, we both nixed that when we realized the abbreviation was “Ass. Man.” Hahahahahahaha.

  11. In Quebec, many do toast in beans.

    Nice big bowl of baked beans and a slice or two of buttered toast.

    Some scoop with pieces of toast, I prefer to rip a small piece of toast off and toss it in and rescue it with my spoon.

  12. For a stateside rendition, when out on the road, Jack Kerouac was known to cook up canned pork and beans on top of up-ended motel room irons. I think Heinz used to make that even.

  13. Baked potato ( big spud, Heat the oven to 220C/200C fan/gas 7. Rub a little oil and sea salt over each potato and put on the top shelf of the oven. Bake for 20 mins, then turn down the oven to 190C/170C fan/ gas 5 and bake for 45 mins-1 hr more until the skin is crisp and the inside soft.) Meanwhile soften a large white onion in butter,(20+mins at very low heat) . Add a tin of beans to the onion/ butter mixture and a dash of Worcestershire sauce, heat until lightly simmering.Split said tato in half, fluff up the middle with a fork and some butter, and pour the beans over the thing. Coat it with grated cheddar. Fancy-pants folk might put a softly fried runny yolked egg on top. With a grind of black pepper and just a soupcon of hand crushed pink salt.

  14. May I point out to Bishop or is that The Bishop that Heinz is a proud American based company, right out of Pittsburgh PA.? The Brits may have created Fart Toast or beans on toast but if you use Heinz the USA Perfected it. Ratio is eater specific as well as the brownness of the toast, I like a few thin slices of butter on the toast then beans and shredded Jack Cheese on top. May I suggest Texas toast for the bread (yes the bread is called Texas toast before being toasted) it is a thicker heartier slab of bread and also terrific for French Toast and Monte Christo sammiches.
    I mean are we really taking cooking advice from the land of boiled meat and blood pudding? What’s next a universal British wiring lom for all cars? A British EV?
    There is a saying the only Lucas electric device that doesn’t suck is the Lucas Vacuum.

    1. Cheese doesn’t belong here. This is very basic British beans we’re talking about here. It should be British commoner spec, no extra gimmicks. Jack cheese means chili beans should be included and unfortunately Britain never defeated Texas.

  16. Toast? I’m ready for some beans on fried bread, oh yeah,with a bottle of HP sauce on the table. I’ve got to have crispy greasy, though I’m not allowed to fry things in lard anymore.

  20. When you guys announced the series, I assumed there would be some Slack-tastic conversations about the abbreviation. Frankly I’m surprised it took this long. 😀

    The bug seems to be missing the straw hat…

    Pop culture pop quiz for DT:

    A: “More beans, Mr. Taggart?”

    B: “I’d say you’ve had enough!” *waves hat around vigorously*

    For today’s top prize, name that film! 🙂

  22. Mmmmm Beans on toast. Adrian is right, small can covers three standard slices of bread. Where Adrian will probably decry me as a heathen is that I then gently melt a slice of cheese (real stuff, not Kraft) on top of each slice. Dairy is important!

    And Jason, especially important for you, don’t forget the rhyme “Beans, beans, good for your heart,the more you eat, the more you ………”

    Another segment could be:
    David’s
    Interest in
    Continuing
    Knowledge

    1. Cheese is a fine addition, as is a dash of Worcestershire Sauce. But that’s advanced level beans on toast. I need to be sure they’ve nailed the basics first.

      3. Fair. To break the rules, first you must master them.

        Will Lewin be sending the crew a jar of Vegemite? Because they’ll certainly need instructions on the correct dosage!

          1. Well I’m afraid Tim Tams wouldn’t travel well via post, so it’ll be compulsory Vegemite for all. One small jar I’ve no doubt would last a looooong time given how sparing you should be with it on toast.

            Maybe Lewin could include some Haigh’s dark chocolate to compensate.

        1. Any kind of very crusty soft white is optimal. I suggested tiger but apparently that’s not a thing in the land of the $7 loaf of bread, surprisingly.

      5. Now to stir the Brit….

        1.Put beans in some form of bowl

        2.Add tomato and barbecue sauce in whichever ratio and quantity you desire

        3. Heap on grated cheese

        4. Add a splash of Worcestershire Sauce (known as Worcester sauce at this house)

        5. Heat Beans to desired temperature using heat source of choice

        6. Pour resulting mixture onto buttered crunchy soft white toast

        If a bean should fall off the toast (providing you eat it the uncivilised way like we do) it should look like spiderman while doing so

        This is the one and only way

      6. Oddly enough, Heinz used to (maybe they still do and I’ve blocked it out) sell Worcestershire sauce, at least here in Canada. A friend of mine had a bottle and I told him that, when he actually wanted to do things properly, Lea & Perrins was also readily available.

    3. Oh complete version

      Oh we need a full different version
      Beans beans the musical fruit the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot the better you feel so eat some beans at every meal.

      Beans beans good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fat. The more you fart the better you feel
      So eat some beans at every meal

  23. “our Members Only peak at the behind-the-scenes goings-on“

    “Peak”? Are you referring to the pants tent I got when I imagined Jason rolling around in that massive plate of beans on toast? Hey, don’t kink-shame. I LOVE beans on toast specifically and a full English breakfast in general. Mmmmmmmm…

    1. He’s not who I think about rolling around in beans on toast:
      https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.telegraph.co.uk%2Fmultimedia%2Farchive%2F02746%2FSiouxsie-Sioux_2746052k.jpg&tbnid=-mYxN8kPClcJCM&vet=12ahUKEwjO0_vzvamEAxWadaQEHY4RAboQMygEegQIARA7..i&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.telegraph.co.uk%2Ffoodanddrink%2Ffoodanddrinkpicturegalleries%2F10475062%2FRock-stars-and-their-favourite-foods.html&docid=MxpI60EPo-uYFM&w=858&h=536&q=siouxsie%20sioux%20beans%20on%20toast&hl=en-gb&client=safari&ved=2ahUKEwjO0_vzvamEAxWadaQEHY4RAboQMygEegQIARA7

  25. I’m sitting here, in my recently-received brand new Autopian shirt, eating a plate of Heinz beans and toast, reading about eating Heinz beans and toast on the Autopian.

    I think I just blew my own mind…or maybe that was the beans.

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