Welcome back to another week of poor automotive choices on Shitbox Showdown! Today’s cars are both products of the Ford Motor Company in 1990, but that’s where the similarities end. First, though, let’s get our final tally from Friday’s Florida rides:
The red Benz takes an easy win, as I suspected it might. The Hyundai’s title status scared off a lot of you, and its general abused-by-a-kid vibe didn’t help its case either. Mostly I just wanted to include it so I could make Genesis jokes. That’s all.
I’m always astounded by the variety of cars that a big automaker can produce at the same time. Platform- and powertrain-sharing is common, and has always been, but even within a given platform, the variety of vehicles that can be produced is staggering. And most big manufacturers have a whole bunch of platforms going at once. As an example of this variety, today we have a basic rental-spec four door sedan, and a top-of-the-line personal luxury coupe, both built by Ford. Though one was likely two or three times the price of the other new, now they’re within fifty bucks of each other. Which one is a better deal today? That’s for you to decide.
1990 Ford Tempo – $2,250
Engine/drivetrain: 2.3 liter overhed valve inline 4, three-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Vancouver, WA
Odometer reading: 116,000 miles
Runs/drives? Legendarily, it seems
I spend a lot of time trying to get the gist of a car from some pretty indecipherable ads. They all seem to be far too terse, or wildly too verbose, but rarely are they entertaining in their own right. But this ad, well, it’s easier if I just show you:
The Sword in the Stone.
A legendary item. Ford castle built. Genius and magnitude contributes to this specimen of the depths of time. From whence the cars came, this hath emerged. Unmatched history intertwined with the fabrics of modern time, unrivaled in its nostalgic effect. Sway without effort on this steed of craftsmanship the ancients could have but only dreamt of. Pasture upon pasture give way to the speed of 40,000 hoofs encased in metal. Forward. Onward. Into the next life you ride, out of danger and into fortitude. The journey is complete, thine quest hath end. Further ye look no more.
A piece of time encased in glass and molten rock, forever yours. No pendant can compare, for speed is time itself, indifferent to the wishes of mere mortals. A Time Machine of untold uses.
The end.
A beginning.
Hey, it’s a Tempo. I guess you need to do whatever you can to make it sound impressive.
In case you’ve forgotten (and no one would blame you if you did), the Tempo and its Mercury sister model the Topaz were Ford’s compact sedans from 1984-1994. Nearly all of them were powered by a 2.3 liter pushrod four-cylinder, more often than not coupled to a three-speed automatic. A stickshift was standard, but most Tempo buyers opted to avoid shifting. I owned one of these, a red 1992 two-door equipped with the automatic, and I can tell you that while it was a competent and mostly reliable way to alter your location on the Earth’s surface, its driving experience left a lot to be desired. It handled like a riding mower, and the “tempo” to which Ford was referring was usually adagio. Maybe andante, if you really stood on it.
With that reputation for dullness preceding it, the seller’s florid, Eye Of Argon-esque prose is understandable. But the car is real enough, and the seller says it runs and drives great, but has some “minor issues.” What those issues are isn’t disclosed, but you have to expect a few flaws on something this old. I mean, Excalibur didn’t come with a warranty either.
The paint is shedding clearcoat on the horizontal surfaces, and there is a mysterious hole in the dashboard on the passenger’s side, but otherwise it looks all right. All right for a Ford Tempo, anyway.
1990 Lincoln Mark VII – $2,295
Engine/drivetrain: 5.0 liter overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Palmdale, CA
Odometer reading: 140,000 miles
Runs/drives? “Get in and drive,” it says
It’s no secret that we here at Shitbox Showdown’s central offices are big fans of old Lincolns. Ford’s luxury division has built some awful cars, it’s true, but when they get it right, boy oh boy do they get it right. In 1984, Lincoln took Ford’s Fox platform and gave it a glamourous makeover to create the Continental Mark VII. Smaller than its Panther-based predecessor, and far more stylish, the Mark VII was a departure for Lincoln, and one that worked.
Even better, by 1990 when this car was built, the Mark VII came standard with the same 225 horsepower “5.0 HO” Windsor V8 as the Mustang GT. A four-speed automatic was the only transmission available, and all Mark VIIs rode on air suspension at all four corners. It wasn’t fast by today’s standards, and its handling wasn’t the sharpest, but it was fast enough to belong in the left lane and smooth enough to soak up any potholes along the way.
This hot-rod Lincoln is in decent shape, with nice shiny paint, but it shows some wear and tear inside. The seller says it runs and drives great, just passed a smog test, and needs nothing mechanically. It has received a sound system upgrade, which I presume means there is a big carpeted box full of speakers taking up half the trunk. It also has aftermarket wheels of the sort you might put on a car if you want people to think you’re what the kids call a “baller.” (Am I using that right? I’m so out of touch.) I can’t say they’re an improvement; the stock 1990 Mark VII wheels were BBS-style “basketweave” alloys that looked great. These big chrome things just look gaudy to me.
Still, Lincoln’s flashy Fox is a good-looking car, and this is a decent example for a good price. Even better, it comes with a Ford-branded car phone installed!
So there you have it, two ends of Ford’s product spectrum from thirty-three years ago. One is a good honest if uninspiring small sedan, and the other is a flashy coupe with a V8 and all the toys. Which one will it be?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
Usually when I see the lead-in image for these showdowns that has an apparent mismatch I then read-on to find out why the apparent no-questions winner is an also-ran. Not in this case. Assuming you can still get the parts for the air suspension, this is a steal, and I imagine that even if you swap in coil-overs or other non-air suspension you are probably not over another kilobuck or two – making the Mark VII a great deal. These were highway cruisers par excellent – I had a relative that commuted 60 miles each way with one for almost a decade. Mark VII – no question about it.
It’s a fox platform, you can just stuff whatever Mustang parts you want under it. There is plenty of stuff out there for ditching the airbag suspension
Someone needs to buy that Lincoln if only to save it from its current owner’s abysmal taste in wheels!
Plenty of 80s and 90s cars came from the factory with ugly/cheap looking wheels, but the Lincoln Mark wasn’t one of them. Most of the ones I ever saw came with lace or turbine style wheels that really set off the looks of the car. The first order of business for the new owner of this Mk. VII is to go hunting for a used or refurbished set to get rid of these dub-strocities.
The first brand new car I ever bought was an ’88 or ’89 Tempo. Red, two-door, stick shift. I thought I was the sh*t!
I couldn’t afford the 6 cylinder, but I added a custom flip-up moonroof which added a couple of horsepower for sure. And, after a bird collision cost me the side mirror, I installed a _pair_ of sporty side mirrors that added a few more hp.
I don’t want this one though. Nor the Lincoln.
+1 for the reference to Eye of Argon. Next up: My Immortal.
the only thing more terrifying than crossing the throggs neck bridge doing 90 in a Tempo in 1991 is hitting the divider on the LIE in a ’90 mk7 LSC going 70.
The answer is never Tempo, nor Topaz. Not in V6 manual. Not in AWD. Not with low miles. NEVER!
Gimme the Lincoln, as sketchy as it might be.
This gave me a distinct Dr. Seuss vibe so…
I am Autopian. I am Autopian. Autopian I am.
That Autopian! That Autopian! I do not like that Autopian!
Do you like Ford Tempos and Paz?
I do not like them Autopian.
I do not like Ford Tempos and Paz.
Would you drive it here or there?
I would not drive it here or there.
I would not drive it anywhere.
I do not like Ford Tempos and Paz.
I do not like them Autopian.
Would you like it with front wheel drive?
Would you like it with all-wheel drive?
I do not like them with front wheel drive.
I do not like them with all-wheel drive.
I would not drive it here or there.
I would not drive it anywhere.
I do not like Ford Tempos and Paz.
I do not like them Autopian.
Would you drive it’s boxy style?
Would you drive it for a while?
Not boxy style. Not for a while.
Not front wheel drive. Not all-wheel drive.
I would not drive it here or there.
I would not drive it anywhere.
I do not like Ford Tempos and Paz.
I do not like them Autopian.
Would you? Could you? It’s a car!
Drive it! Drive it! You’ll go far.
I would not, could not, in that car.
You may like it. You will see.
You can park it under a tree.
I would not, could not park it under a tree.
Nor in a garage! You let me be.
I do not like them with boxy style.
I do not like to drive them a while.
I do not like them with front wheel drive.
I do not like them with all-wheel drive.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like Ford Tempos and Paz.
I do not like them Autopian.
Disagree. There is a question where the answer is Tempo GLS/Topaz XR5. It is, after all, the Holy Grail of the Tempaz line.
The correct answer would be the Cressida wagon
Is this even a contest? I’d take the Lincoln over 5 Topaz’s for the same money.
I’ll take the Lincoln ’cause that Tempo would drive me to drinkin’.
Great Showdown, Mark!
The Lincoln all the way. And if I got it, I would get rid of those stupid oversized wheels and get some stock or stock-looking wheels.
The Tempo is a POS… particularly with the slushbox. If it was a V6 Tempo with the manual, then it might merit some consideration.
Oh, god, that Tempo brings back silly memories.
In the 90s, I worked for an armored car company. Y’know, big-beast armored trucks carrying unspeakable amounts of greenbacks. We had a Tempo assigned as a “chase car”. Its role was to follow along, literally riding shotgun, when a truck was loaded with a value above a certain amount.
The stupid Tempo could barely keep up with the big-ass armored truck fully loaded with coin and currency out of the Federal Reserve. It was tragically hilarious to hear the guys in the car holler over the radio, “Slow down! We can’t keep up!” from an on-ramp.
No Tempo is best tempo in this case. Sell off those balln’-on-a-budget bits from the Lincoln, use the cash for some seat covers and factory-style wheels and tires. Drive cheap and enjoy.
What if it’s a V6/Manual Tempo?
No. There was no good Tempo ever made.
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the Tempo, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.
Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in Fords distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical automotive ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Ponds, not Fords.
You’re thinking of the Parrot sketch… “He’s pining for the Fjords!”
COME SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!!!
And THUS the Lady of the Lake spoke and sayeth, “If thou choose the Tempo, I’ll thrust this through thine chest, and put you out of your misery.”
God I loathe the 2.3 in the Tempo. Gutless, coarse, and noisy.
don’t forget the ford of that era slushbox, though I think that applies to both of these rides I suppose
The Tempo was just a complete zero of a car. Peak 80/90’s Detroit bringing a plastic spork to a knife fight with the Camry and Accord.
Lincoln basically by default, but the VII could be a cool cruiser if it loses those wheels and gets cleaned up a bit.
The correct answer would be neither. However since that is not an option I chose the Lincoln because you could transplant the engine to something not terrible, although there are much cheaper ways to get a 5.0 HO engine.
This would be a beat down of the Tempo regardless, but that this Mark VII is the slightly sportier LSC is an additional reason to pick the Lincoln. Just have to bin those awful wheels for the stock BBS RA clones.
Take Fox Lincoln, leave the wheels.
Now THIS is a Shitbox Showdown. Yowza.
I had an aunt with a Tempo and it sucked. I’m usually a big fan of meh cars, but the Tempo is extra meh, but not even so bad that it’s good. It resides in a nebulous space that makes me say “no thanks”. Not that I’m particularly fond of the Lincoln and those absolutely awful wheels (which I would replace, day one).
I’ll take the Lincoln, kicking and screaming I guess.
I’d take the Mark VII. We had a ‘90 TownCar, so I’m familiar with the design aesthetic. The TC had the non-HO 5 liter 160 hp (or was it 150?) engine. The Mark VII’s HO engine coupled with its lighter weight would make it feel downright peppy.
the LSC was a much more comfy IROC Killer in it’s day.
I just can’t get over the fact that they used the Ford stamping on the plenum instead of using a Lincoln. How very JV.
Jesus help us. Such crap offered again today. The hole in the dash of the Tempo is weird and causes pause for thought…Does the owner also enjoy hanging around truck stop rest rooms and rest areas? Strange.
(poster name checks out)
Maybe I’m weird… I kinda like the rim and tire combo. It reminds me of the last Cadillac Sevilles with the body lines and the rims.
It’s the dark tint that has to go! DT once mentioned boxy cars look best without tint, and I 100% agree.
Son, you’re gonna’ drive me to drinkin
If you don’t stop drivin’ that Hot… Rod… Lincoln!”
I mean, the wheels are horrifying but there’s no way the Tempo will be more fun than that Lincoln. Oh, the entertaining things you could do with that Mark VII.
The Tempo is the very definition of “meh” car.
I agree, the wheels on the Lincoln are horrifying, whereas, it is the Tempo itself that is horrifying! 🙂
The wheels on the Lincoln are horrifying, but the dubious stain on the driver’s seat is nightmare fuel.
Yeah, I don’t want to know what that stain is from. ( ☉_ ☉)