Our partner Beau once told me that the process and struggle of coming up with good names for car models “the sport of kings,” and while I always assumed that was foosball, I can see why it would be called that. It’s not easy! At all. That’s likely why so many carmakers take the easy way out and resort to the sort of alphanumeric names that could only inspire longing in a mainframe running a FORTRAN program to calculate payroll. But a real evocative car name, well that’s a magical thing! And so elusive, which is why we’re going to look at some actual car names that are garbage for a number of reasons, and some you probably think suck but, surprise, you’re wrong.
There’s a number of lists online of bad car names, but they tend to just rely on pointing out weird car names, and the truth is those names are often fantastic. The Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard? That’s not a bad name, that’s a fantastic car name! Anyone who thinks that’s a bad car name is dead inside, worse, dead and boring.
Animal names, also, I think are almost always good. Even when they’re animals we don’t always associate with noble things, like weasels. Studebaker made a military vehicle called the Weasel, and I can’t think of a better animal than that.
Okay, let’s get to the crap!
Names You Can’t Get Away With Today
Times and language change. Generally, it seems that, when it comes to language, there’s two main factors that affect a given car’s name: history and the process by which people at least attempt to become less shitty over time. The historical bit means that sometimes things happen to alter our associations with a word, and the less shitty over time part means that some words that perhaps had racial or derogatory connotations are no longer the kinds of words people want to use when they talk about what they drive.
I can think of three cars that fit this category:
Studebaker Dictator
Between 1927 and 1937, Studebaker’s entry-level car was called the Dictator, with a Commander and President above it. These could be had with inline six or eight-cylinder engines, and as you can probably guess, the late 1930s were not a great time to keep naming things “Dictators” as there were some actual dictators popping up in the news that were, to use the preferred term, shitheads. The Dictator name was changed to Commander, which is free of any Hitlers or Francos or Mussolinis, at least.
Chevy Confederate
I thought about this one because I got a request from a reader for one of these for their Autopian Member Birthday Drawing, which you see above there. These were built in 1932, almost 70 years after the Confederacy was a thing at all, but a number of decades before mainstream American society realized that nobody wants to hear about the damn Confederacy.
Austin Gipsy/Maruti Suzuki Gypsy
These two off-road vehicles one from Britain, one from India, both have a common source for their name, the term for the Romani people that is usually – but not always, it seems, for certain subgroups – considered a racial slur.
The Austin Gipsy, built from 1958 to 1968, was conceived as a competitor for the Land Rover, and definitely resembled the famous Land Rover, but was a good bit more sophisticated, featuring independent suspension with special rubber springs. It turns out that sophistication isn’t really what’s wanted from a rugged off-roader/military vehicle, after all, and the Gipsy never achieved the popularity of the Landie.
The Maruti-Suzuki Gypsy had a long life, from 1985 to 2018, and was an Indian-built version of the long-wheelbase Suzuki Jimny. These were used extensively by the Indian military.
Food Names That I’m Just Not Sure If Are Good Or Bad
So, I ran across this charming little car, which is called the Mitsubishi Minica Lettuce, and it made me realize that I’m really not sure what I think of cars named for foods. I’ve written about them before, even recently, but I can’t decide if food-based names are good or bad.
The Nissan Cherry I think is a great name for a car! The Suzuki Cappucino, too, and while I get a kick out of the fact that there was a carmaker called Alldays & Onions, I’m not sure it’s a good car name. This Mitsubishi, though – I’m not sure Lettuce is an evocative car name? Mitsubishi has at least one other food-based name, the Mitsubishi Pistachio, and now I’m wondering how I feel about that, too.
I know a lot of worst-car-names lists include food-car names, but I don’t want to just knee-jerk say those are all bad. So I’m confused about the food names, but I think they have some sort of charm.
Names That I Get What They Were Going For, But Don’t Work Because Of How They Sound
The Sunbeam Rapier. I’m all for naming cars for swords. In fact, I used to have one, a Reliant Scimitar! Sword or stabby-things should make good car names, like Epée or Foil or Dagger or Dirk or Katana or Sabre. Rapier, should too, but the problem is it sounds like, well, rapey-er. I think most people would know the difference, but it’s still just kind of unfortunate.
Kind of like rapeseed oil. That name comes from the Latin word rapum, which means “turnip.” It’s also the same thing as canola oil. Why does anyone call it rapeseed oil still?
The Car Name You Think Is Bad But You’re Wrong About
The Ford Probe. It’s the butt (get it?) of so many dumb jokes, but here’s the thing – it’s just not that bad a name! We all know it’s referring to space probes like the Voyager probes to the outer solar system or the Viking probes to Mars or the Juno probe to Jupiter or any number of other probes, and the truth is that if your mind goes to aliens anally probing people, that’s on you.
Probe can be used for so many things! Investigations! Research! It’s a word about curiosity, and discovering new things! Even those alleged aliens, who are supposedly probing anuses of abducted humans, why, I suspect they’re just looking for truth, too, even if they have the misguided idea that truth is somehow to be found crammed up the rectums of some poor bastard driving along a rural highway at the wrong time.
Car names need our support now more than ever, lest we find ourselves permanently stuck in a world of alphanumeric soup bullshit.
I always found fascinating that Mitsubishi kept using the name Pajero, which in Spanish speaking countries has openly sexual connotations, rather than just switching to Montero, which is what they used for those countries and sounds perfectly fine, if not better.
Friday night thought-loop: “better that than pato, which in Tagalog means… oh wait, Montero Lamar Hill AKA Lil Nas X would totally own that and more power to him for it and, well, he’d probably claim pajero also just to be shocking.”
Happy Friday!
Well in Spanish that would be “duck” which is an unusual name.
I want to see a Mitsubishi Pendejo.
What’s worse is that it was called the Pajero in all (non-Spanish speaking) European countries, except the UK, there it was mysteriously called… the Shogun. Even other right hand drive markets, like here in Ireland, referred to it as the Pajero. In fact, my brother owns one.
I did hope someone would mention the Mitsubishi Pampas Cat (that turned out to be “wanker” in Spanish). One of the best international marketing mistakes ever!
Is that what I think it is?? Is that an extra long Samurai?? WHERE CAN I GET ONE????
You missed the most important probe of all, the probe to Uranus!
Just be thankful Mercury never offered a De’Sade limited edition. I would enjoy a Marauder though.
I think Volkswagen should probably not name a new vehicle “Strength Through Joy Car” ever again.
Daihatsu Midget would make a few people mad. But one thing I’m confused about is why Toyota decided to produce a car called the Isis; not sold in the US but still odd.
I see nothing wrong with the International Secret Intelligence Service.
Little of column A, little of column B.
Because for millennia, Isis was not an acronym, but the name of the ancient Egyptian goddess of life and magic, worshiped as the most powerful magician in the universe.
Three thousand years later – when I was a little kid with a bowl cut in the 1970s watching cartoons – a young science teacher dug up a lost treasure, and found she was heir to “The Secrets of Isis.” Isis – dedicated foe of evil. Defender of the weak. Champion of truth and justice.
https://youtu.be/FdBRLV6PGro?si=v8blMShTUmc-w8z8
Then in 2004, Toyota released the Isis MPV.
Then in 2014, as Al Qaeda was finally falling apart, an equally murderous gang of assholes popped up to take their place: the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS for short.
Even now, when I hear “Isis,” I still think first of the sexy superheroine from Saturday morning TV, then the actual Egyptian goddess, and then the terrorist organization dead last. The news will report that ISIS blew something up, and my inner six-year-old reflexively says, “No way. Isis would never hurt innocent people.” Then a split second later, my adult self kicks in and says, “Wrong ISIS, dumbass.” Then I wish that Isis could take on ISIS, because she’d whip ’em by herself.
BMC Morris Isis also was a thing starting in 1955.
My parents had one a family car, when I was too young to notice.
What about the Dodge Die Nasty or the Chev Nova that wouldn’t go, when things go multilingual all hell breaks loose with languages that nobody speaks.
Then there’s Camaro, which sounds vaguely Spanish or Latin, but is apparently a nonsense word. I remember reading that someone at a competing manufacturer tried to start a rumor that it was some colloquial South American Spanish word for “loose bowels.”
I remember reading that someone at a competing manufacturer tried to start a rumor that it was some colloquial South American Spanish word for “loose bowels.”
They should have tried “Donkey *Lover*”.
Given the degree of interdivisional competition at GM at the time, it was probably Pontiac.
Isis is the alternative name for the upper part of the River Thames including the bit that goes through Oxford, home of Morris.
And there is a vintage International Harvester parts and repair company here in Grass Valley, now named IH Parts America. They specialize in OEM and aftermarket International Harvester Scout – Pickup – Travelall parts sales and restoration.
However a few years ago their acronym was ISIS, but I can’t remember how that expanded.
My daughter, born 2011, has a school friend named Isis. Being named after an Egyptian Goddess many have never heard of is cool, but by the time she started school in 2016, EVERYONE had heard of ISIS, and suddenly Everyone is looking sideways at the family.
The University of Florida’s student record system was called ISIS right up until 2015.
Oh, wow – I’d forgotten that the University of Alabama, my alma mater, used the same system decades ago.
MG Midget as well.
The car pre-dated the terrorist group
And the Egyptian goddess predates ERRTHANG.
Isis, much like the swastika, held very different meaning in the ancient world than it does now.
Local maps in Japan still have swastikas marking the location of temples. There have been attempts to change this on tourist maps, but so far they’ve stuck to their guns.
Chevy SS was there first.
Isuzu also gave us the Dragon Eye and Dragon Power which were the pick-up version of the MU Wizard. Joanne Isuzu was a naming genius in the family, Joe is pretty much a liar. He told me, He used his new Isuzu pickup truck to carry a 2,000-pound cheeseburger.
17 minutes of Joe Isuzu commercials.
https://youtu.be/b_1ASmweXYs?si=dBoRE5g2L3rOMWIk
Since you brought up the ‘Confederate’, how do we feel about the ‘Rebel’?
Ram *and* Honda are still using it, although I assume the Honda rider is probably more likely to associate it with the battle of Hoth.
That’s a little more generic word. Strictly speaking, the Founding Fathers were definitely rebels. James Dean. Star Wars. Hell, David Bowie. And so forth. But “Confederate” is, well, Confederate. And in the United States, that means only one thing.
Source: native southerner and recovering Lost Cause psy-op victim
Torch,
Gonna have to disagree with you on ‘Foil’ as an acceptable name for a car. There would be sooooo many ‘tin foil’ jokes that no one would ride in one.
I wanted to propose some ideas but I was foiled.
There were a couple cars called Playboy back in the pre-Hefner days.
Some Hyundai names annoy me, like Santa Fe and Santa Cruz. I get they’re going for a geographic theme, but translated they become explicitly religious: Holy Faith and Holy Cross. They’re weird names for cars.
Tiburon, on the other hand, was a great name.
So the Buick Lacrosse is a no-go? What about Cadillac, named after a fake nobleman who took his name from a pear? Or Pontiac, the war chief who spurred the “No Crossing the Appalachians” that helped lead to the American Revolution? You start translating everything and it starts looking pretty silly. Cougar got mangled in three different languages from something that is probably closest to susuarana… or “fake deer”.
My father grew up in Mobile, Alabama. It is correctly pronounced with the emphasis on the second syllable: Mo-*beal*. It is pronounced that way because historically and etymologically, it is not related to the adjective that describes motion or portability – it’s actually a corruption of “Mauvila,” the name of the band of Creek Indians that called the area home when the French first showed up. At some point the V became a B, and the A dropped off the end. Although, there is still a Mauvila, Alabama, a few miles north.
If only the French had given it a properly wrong French spelling – “Meaubille” or something – it wouldn’t get mispronounced as “MO-bile” all the time. Nobody within 500 miles of the place calls it that. I blame Bob Dylan. If you want to hear it pronounced and sung correctly, check out the Marcia Ball song of the same name.
I’m gonna keep calling it MO-bile…
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/7379-13th-St-Mobile-AL-36608/50988146_zpid/
The trailer house, maybe. Not the town.
But “la crosse” doesn’t mean “the cross” (it would be “la croix” in french). A “crosse” is just a stick with a curved end.
(though I’m French, not French Canadian, I have no idea of the connotations of “crosse” in Canadian variants of French).
In Quebec, it is a euphemism for a young man “enjoying himself.” So they called the first gen of that car the Allure in Canada.
For the second gen, they just said eff it, and went with LaCrosse.
Certainly better than SCoupe.
I’ll see your Holy Faith and Holy Cross and raise you a Clan Crusader:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clan_(car)
I’ve heard quite a few people express discomfort with the name Previa because it makes them think of placenta previa.
That’s the first thing that sprung to my mind the first time I saw a Previa on the road! They are called Taragos here, so I was a bit waken aback when I realised what they were called everywhere else.
I don’t know if Scotsman as a base model would fly today either.
Frankly, I’m surprised there wasn’t a controversy over the Lancer Evolution either.
IF IT’S NOT SCOTTISH, IT’S CRAP!!!
And having worked in a department with a Scottish accountant, naming the base model the Scotsman is 100% apropos.
Just a reminder that I once purchased a brand new Purple Probe (without a test drive). I loved and hated the name so much.
Hey, me too! Just make sure you use water-based lubricants or else
…
you’re talking about the car, aren’t you
No, I went with silicone based lube. I still haven’t managed to wash it off yet. I’m thinking about trying a toilet brush with a power drill.
On a sort of related topic, I don’t think companies should be able to perpetually trademark car names, excepting those they make up. If it’s in the dictionary and you use it, but then stop using it for, let’s say, three consecutive years, that should end the trademark. So many good car names are no longer active but are legally tied up so that no competing company can use them and that has helped lead to the numerology and alphabetics (probably not a word, but I might use it for a car name) so common now. Not to mention the names that mean nothing. I think there probably is a limit to how long something can be trademarked without use, but whatever it is, it’s too long.
Eh, not so much. Car companies use alphanumeric names to keep the focus on the make rather than the model. And also to avoid unfortunate translations in certain markets.
My favorite car related mistranslation came from a video game, called The Sims Fast Lane, which in Swedesh translated to The Sims Full Fart.
Ha. Reminds me of a mishap I read about years ago, with a bilingual PSA campaign by a Canadian AIDS awareness charity. They had bus station posters made that read, in English, “AIDS – Think about it.” Apparently the French translation unfortunately came out as, “AIDS – Stick it in your head instead.”
I was wondering when/if someone would bring this up. I was thinking about posting “All cars named after cold sterile alphanumeric qualify as having Bad Names.”
But, obviously you’re right, it’s all about the branding and the bean counters.
I’m a little surprised there wasn’t an Alfa Romeo Beta at some point…
In reference to your bigger point, it did amuse me when Pep Boys was able to car-block Ford’s desire to use Futura again.
I imagine the reason Alfa didn’t use the name Beta is due to Lancia having control of it.
So that’s why it sounded vaguely like I’d heard it somewhere before!
Addendum: OK. Strutting my ignorance before. In fact, to retain a trademark, the name must be in continuous use. If not, the trademark expires and anyone can grab it, but for this exception: if a company can successfully argue that the name is so closely associated with their company that it might cause consumer confusion, a trademark can be maintained. So, if Ford stopped making the Mustang for a year, theoretically, another company could jump on it, but Ford would undoubtedly win the legal challenge to retain the use rights. I still think there should be a time limit on that exception, but I don’t make the rules.
Trademarks aren’t perpetual, they eventually lapse without demonstration of continuous use, which is how Ford and General Motors both sold cars called “Citation” 22 years apart, and how Ford was able to register “Caravan” at one time, but never used it, leaving it available for Chrysler to claim 30ish years later.
How about the Morris / Toyota Isis?
Reminds me of a great Family Guy moment when Brian is attempting to get Quagmire’s new cat cafe shut down: “And Persian cats! Really?! Let’s call them what they are – Iranian cats!”
I know the Jeep Cherokee’s days are numbered, but I’m glad it stopped making the Patriot.
Always seemed an unfair/out of place name for the little guy, no matter what your political leanings might be.
That number has ready reached 0, as it ended production last year.
Edit: Unless you’re including the Grand Cherokee, which you probably are, so nevermind!
I shoulda phrased it better for sure.
I kinda liked the final version of the Cherokee, and when Chrysler started doing whatever it could to move them out after the end of production, they became a fairly decent deal.
So did I. Almost bought one.
Ive always thought that it was rather complimentary to the Cherokee and Comanche that their names had acquired a generically tough and capable image.
I don’t think MG or Daihatsu could get away with calling something a Midget anymore. the MG Little Car or Daihatsu Little Truck may work though
My understanding is that in Italian it’s an affectionate term for “child” or “baby” but I suspect Volugrafo might have gone with a different model name for their microcar today:
https://www.ruotevecchie.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/0011-Volugrafo-Bimbo-1947_13.jpg
Maybe, although there’s a bakery chain called Bimbo. Part of Grupo Bimbo, no less, which owns Thomas and Bay’s (English muffins) and Sara Lee. I think Mexican but definitely with US accounts.
Uhh yeah they always sell that on the international foods aisle.
US accounts? They’re huge here. Plants everywhere. They make all sorts of breads.
Mazda Bongo Friendee is always a favourite
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mazda_Bongo#Bongo_Friendee_(1995–2005)
The BEV version could be called the Mazda Bongo Friend-E.
Probe was a bad name if you worked in a repair garage/service station/quicky-lube when they were popular. The majority of owners were women, and when you finished with the car, you had to walk into the waiting room and tell a stranger, “Ma’am, your Probe is ready.”
Counterpoint: that’s what makes it good.
Esp. if the conversation could use the car’s name as much as possible.
“Could you wait for your Probe?” “I don’t know, this Probe is very important to me.” “Well, I think I can fit it in.”
Damn. I never had strong feelings past the usual “Ford model names are great if you stick “anal” before them” and I think it sounds cool as a word on its own…but when you say it like that…
Mitsubishi can also lay claim to the Pajero that gets laughs from Spanish speakers.
And, being from Quebec, the brou-ha-ha over the Buick Lacrosse was stupid.
Lacrosse is the sport, “la crosse” is the bad-ish term. We know the difference.
I always thought “Allure” (the alternate name used in Québec for the first-gen Lacrosse, IIRC) was a better name in English as well.
Is Stanley Steemer a food name?
Stanley Steamer was a car. Stanley Steemer is a carpet cleaner. A steamer is used to cook broccoli.
Yeah, I meant Steamer but I was refering to clams. I think sea related car names are the best. Marlin, Barracuda, Mako. Also, is Pinto a food name?
Glue maybe.
Now I want a Mussel car
Oldsmobile Octopus would have been great for a crossover. Sigh.
Pinto is not a food name in the US. On a French car, though, probably.
I will not abide this slander of pinto beans. I’ll bet you even put sugar in your cornbread, you Philistine.
As a frenchman “pinto” doesn’t evoke anything to me (we clearly prefer green/red/white beans). As a portuguese it’s only a last name or a chick (baby chicken).
In Brazilian Portuguese, besides being a somewhat common surname, it’s also slang for the male sexual organ. So no Pintos were ever sold in Brazil, and I’m totally sure they would have gotten another name if that were the case…
Priberam’s dictionary lists that meaning as [Brasil, Informal]. I didn’t know that meaning. About pinto beans, it’s apparently called feijão carioca in Brazil and feijão catarino in Portugal.
Pinto is a color pattern for a horse
When you bring a Cleveland Steamer into the mix, suddenly, maybe it’s not such a good name…
Any car called “The Cleveland Steamer” is going to be a pile of crap.
Little known fact: early Stanley Steamers were manufactured in Cleveland. Just google “Cleveland steamer” for some really neat historical tidbits.
Also, Cleveland is a brand of commercial kitchen appliances that also does sell steamers
The Cleveland Steamer would make a very bad name for a car.
Just trying to prevent a situation here, that’s all.
My Mom had a Pontiac Catalina. The highbeam indicator was a silhouette of Chief Pontiac’s head. I thought it was super cool. Later I learned the entire car line was named for a Native American freedom fighter who would probably not have been on board with the whole General Motors idea.
Not to mention how the (cool) Pontiac logo is a stylized arrowhead no less.
I’m not sure how popular a car named after a sport centered around killing animals would be these days: AMC Matador.
probably not the first choice of Lamborghini fans.
I dunno. Lamborghini had the Espada which is the sword used to kill the bulls.
Somehow that is acceptably sinister and badass. No, I have no supporting argument to make.
Funny if you think about. Before the Gallardo, the Espada was Lamborghini’s best selling car. So it essentially saved the bulls in the 70’s!
Half of the US would buy this. And give it another eleven months…
Yeah, but if we buy it again it’ll only be a Dictator on the first day.
Right.
Well, unfortunately our current daily, the 2020 Figurehead, is off warranty and falling apart. I honestly don’t know how much longer we can trust it to get the kids to school.
It may not look as good as it used to and it does misfire once in a while (although it did that even when it was newer), but it still manages to get where it needs to go and it runs better now than the competition ever did when it was new.
If I didn’t see who you were responding to, I would have no idea which political figure you were talking about.
Until you ask it what year it is, or its profession.
Admittedly it would be cost-prohibitive to get an extended warranty on either, but even the most reckless insurer would refuse to write a liability policy on the competition. Although given its marketing, no-fault would be the only kind it would accept, despite all evidence to the contrary.