Welcome to another Friday four-way shootout! Since this week’s winners all reportedly run and drive well, we’re going to pit them all against each other in a scenario. So don’t just scroll down and vote; sit tight for a minute and let me explain what we’re doing.
But first, we need our final winner, and I suppose no one will be surprised to hear it’s the Lincoln. It was close, though; the little faded blueberry put up a good fight. But it is hard to say no to a Panther, even one that has damn near been to the moon.
I guess for me, it would depend on where I was. Small town, or out in the middle of nowhere, it’s the Lincoln hands-down. But if I were closer in, I’d choose the Metro. I mean, it’s right there in the name. I’ve owned both big cars and small cars in the city, and parallel parking a Town Car on a regular basis is a hassle I don’t need.
All right, on to our scenario: You are standing in front of the Lewis & Clark statue in picturesque Seaside, Oregon. Parked around the traffic circle are these four cars, in exactly the condition they are listed in their respective ads. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to drive one of them from Seaside to Ocean City, Maryland, to the Jolly Roger Amusement Park, a distance of 3,015 miles by the shortest route. You pay nothing for the car, but you are handed $1,000 cash for fuel, food, lodging, etc. Whatever you don’t spend, you keep.
Sounds impossible with any of them, you say? Well, by looking at the numbers on Fuelly, the fleet average MPG here should be somewhere in the mid to high teens, give or take. Three thousand miles at 16 MPG is only 188 gallons of gas. Last week the prices I saw crossing the country were hovering around an average of $3.50 a gallon, which puts the total fuel bill at $660. That gives you over $300 to feed yourself for forty-five hours, and maybe splurge on a motel room once or twice to catch some Zs.
Oh, and I’ll throw in a bonus, for you to use as you see fit on your journey: a Mexican-made wool blanket that I got from a street vendor in Tijuana many years ago. Don’t worry; I washed it.
1992 Cadillac Fleetwood six-door limousine
The case for it: On a long road trip, comfort counts for a lot. And not just a smooth and quiet ride, but a good driving position, just-so air conditioning, and a decent stereo. I’ve never had a Brougham, but I put some road trip miles on a Coupe DeVille a few years ago, and it was a very relaxing ride. Plus, if you want to stop at a rest stop and take a nap, you’ve got three big bench seats to choose from.
The case against it: Drive-through lanes might be a challenge with the extra length. Parking anywhere, really, is going to be a pain in the ass.
1994 Mercedes-Benz SL 500 roadster
The case for it: It’s small, maneuverable, comfortable, and likely the fastest of the bunch. If you’re willing to push and burn a little extra gas, you could get to Ocean City quicker in this than in anything else. Not that I’m condoning any sort of Cannonball/Gumball shenanigans, but if you wanted to, you could.
The case against it: It may be reliable for a Mercedes, but if anything does go wrong, you’re a lot less likely to find parts for it along the way than some of the others. It’s also harder to fix things yourself on something this complicated. Plus, it takes 91 octane fuel, which will eat into your budget quite a bit.
1968 Chevrolet C20 Flatbed
The case for it: Shit happens on a road trip. Things break. Worn-out parts choose the least opportune moment to give up the ghost. When they do, there’s something to be said for a vehicle that had the same engine for decades, and for which parts can be obtained at any auto parts store in any little town.
The case against it: Remember what I said about comfort? Yeah – this doesn’t have it. It will be noisy, rough, smelly, and probably pretty slow. Driving this thing across the country would be a workout.
2000 Lincoln Town Car Cartier Edition
The case for it: It’s the newest and most modern of the bunch, and likely the most fuel efficient. It’s incredibly comfortable – though you might want to throw that blanket over the trashed seat – and should make for a fatigue-free drive.
The case against it: It has a lot of miles on it already. Which pothole is going to be the last straw for a ball joint? Which mountain pass is going to overheat the transmission for the last time? If it has been well cared-for, it should be fine, but how do you know?
So that’s it for this week. By the time Monday’s edition rolls around, my wife and I will be on the road again, on the second of three cross-country drives to get everything moved to Maryland. In the meantime, have fun deciding which of these old heaps you’d attempt to follow me in. Have a great weekend!
(Image credits: Craigslist/Facebook Marketplace sellers)
I know a lot changes in 30 years, but in 1995 my brother and I got stranded in a small town driving an ’87 Celica because the battery died. I was only 18 and didn’t know a dead battery from a blown head gasket, so we took it to a mechanic, who then had to order in a battery from a city a couple hours away. I didn’t know a Celica could be so exotic. Nearby small towns are frequently your only option when you break down, so the SL is out for me. The Lincoln is my choice.
As someone who has driven cross-country in a car with 220k miles, I can tell you that it’s not only doable but can be trouble-free if you prepare properly.
If any of the following is more than 3 years old, replace it first-
Accessory drive belts
Air Filter
Transmission fluid (as much as you can get)
Antifreeze/coolant
Tires
If any of the following is more than 10 years old, replace it first-
Water pump
Alternator
Shocks/struts
One more thing, if the engine has OHC, and it’s been more than a few years since replacement, the timing drive should be serviced. If it’s a pushrod engine with a simple, short valley chain, it’s probably fine.
Also, pack some tools! Put together a small box with things that you might need to do roadside repairs. I also bring a small floor jack and a jack stand, mostly because the car’s scissor jack sucks.
Oh, I forgot to choose. Lincoln, and not just barely.
The Lincoln is a visit to Rock Auto with a lengthy shopping list as soon as the keys are passed into your hands.
And it would, from then on, be a likely reliable companion for years.
Wtf happened to those seats though?
I’m all in for stylin’ and profilin’, even if it takes a chunk out of my wallet, so the Merc is it. Pretty sure it has at least one cross-country run left, after which I could offload it on someone equally crazy.
If I had a driver, I’d take the Cad, or maybe the Town Car with fresh seatcovers.
At the price, any of these will be grade-A crapshoots, so why not live large?
I’m taking the Cadillac limo and sticking to the interstate. The long wheelbase will soak up any imperfections in the road, and I can live in it as I travel, thus saving moolah! As long as I don’t high center it on a railroad crossing when I stop for gas, I should get there rested and refreshed!
You won’t high center if you gun it!
YEEEEE-HAAAAAAH!!
The Mercedes is tempting, but newly acquired cars can surprise you, and there’s a lot of empty space between coasts. You’d be able to find parts for the Lincoln in any town that ever had a police force in the ’90s/00s, so it’s the safer bet. I’ll bet it’s got at least one more good road trip before all the parts you mentioned need replacing.
The Caddy Limo offers inexpensive sleeping arrangement for a Family of 3 though. And the 5.7 is about as reliable and ubiquitous as you could get. the Panther 4.6 is also reliable enough, but I am not sure the miles make it worth the attempt at a long road trip. it is all the things attached tot he Lincoln that scare me.
But for me, the Red Roadster is weirdly cheap, but perhaps worth it for a single use trip I think. Though I am always concerned about the Hydraulics of those convertible Mercs of that era and the biodegradable wiring in the 91-96 Mercs is a real concern with that one.
R129 is always the answer, especially an M119 car. SL hands-down for me.
Bingo. I like the truck for the utility, but I love the R129, so I’m voting with my heart.
Town Car. Spend some little money on a couple of seat covers and you’ll have an efficient (in that context), comfortable cruiser. It was made exactly for that.
The Mercedes is a close second, it’s not too old or used-up to pose a significant reliability hazard.
The Caddy may become tiresome as soon as you leave dead straight roads.
The truck? No fucking way.
I loved the Jolly Roger Amusement Park as a Kid. Just outside Ocean City is Frontier Town which was also great as a kid.
Welcome to Maryland, Sorry about the Taxes.
The Cadillac but only because I get to ride in the back while the chauffeur does all the work.
Well, if I got a chauffer, than yeah, Caddy Limo wins! He’s gotta wear the hat though.
This is a real Sophie’s Choice without knowing more about the cars. The clear answer if they are all decent shape is the Mercedes. But even a minor setback on that would leave it DOA, blowing the budget with repairs.
My money is on the Town Car for being the one that would make it all the way. It’s new enough that it should make it another 3000 miles easy, they get surprisingly good gas mileage on the highway, and they are notorious for being long lived even with the worst car ever. My love of the Panther platform not-withstanding, it’s the obvious choice.
The Crown Vic in a tux for me. Granted, it is a 24 y.o. tux worn by 007 during a shootout and subsequent escape that involved jumping onto an open coal car in a moving freight train, then off the train into a sweltering jungle, landing in a pile of gorilla dung, then being captured by the local warlord and held in a bamboo cage for 12 hours until nightfall at which time James can use the micro laser in his Q-supplied Omega watch to burn the bamboo poles of the cage resulting in smoldering embers burning a few additional holes in the tux to match the already 2 dozen bullet holes.
But, hey, at least the tux is broken in and comfy, if a bit pungent.
The logical choice is the Panther, but the truck wins for me. Comfortable cruising speed is likely around 55mph and I’d be shocked if it got more than 12mpg’s. But it might make it, and my manual transmission fetish commands me to take the only option with a third pedal. And, when it inevitably breaks down I wouldn’t feel bad about just pushing it in a ditch.
It’s a dead heat between the Merc and the Caddy. If I could team-drive, the Cadillac might make a more compelling case. In theory, it’ll be more reliable. Efficiency is a wash. The SL is going to be more fun and easier to drive. Assuming reliability is not an issue, the SL wins. Inevitably, when the Mercedes does develop some Teutonic malady by the side of a desolate interstate deep in flyover territory, I would kick myself for not taking the obvious (thanks, hindsight) choice. But I’d risk it.
I thought about the blanket on the Lincoln seats, and it doesn’t seem to sound as comfortable as the SL in my head, this hypothetical situation gives me good reason to double down on the Merc.
Mercedes.
Mark, please rent a sizable UHaul truck for the rest of your trips. I speak from experience having done two cross country moves, the first with my own vehicle requiring multiple crossings and lots of improvised hauling solutions, and the second in a UHaul 26 footer that was designed for this, was easy to drive, and reliable. So much less stress. However you do it, wish good weather and Godspeed.
We’ve got two Pods that are handling the furniture and stuff. First one is already delivered and emptied. We just have to get all the vehicles across, and that’s now 40% done.
Ah, well then, bon voyage.
Actually, the Town Car is only slightly newer underneath than the Brougham. The Panther dates back to 1980, while the Caddy goes back to 1977, so only a 3-year difference 😛
I chose the limo because it seems to be in the best shape.
How the fuck did the Town Car win over the Metro? Had the Metro won, I would’ve picked it again today!
Wasn’t the Caddy using a full sized platform from the 1930s?
maybe they could’ve been LOL
The C20 doesn’t have a radio, and the thought of a road trip is giving me “Grapes Of Wrath” flashbacks. Pass.
I appreciate the blanket, but the Town Car’s interior as advertised looks too grody for a long-distance excursion. Thank you, next.
The R129 might be the choice if, for instance, Tucker was trying to transport a truckload of contraband Coors to Maryland and I was running interference to keep Smokey off his tail. But that’s not the specific brief, and besides I’d be worried something expensive would exit the chat halfway through Wyoming. Nope.
That leaves the Cadillac … and jeez, those seats look so comfy … PLUS I get GM air conditioning and room to sleep in the back? Ding!
(edited to change subject/verb agreement)
I didn’t read the instructions, so I bought the old truck. I guess it could make it, but just pick side roads and take your damn time.
I too chose the old truck for slowish side road driving. No one said we were in a race.
Mercedes all day every day in this challenge. The Town Car is a comfy cruiser, but do you really want to sit in and look at that interior for a week? Ick. The cool novelty of the C20 will wear off very quickly as it punishes your body and ears for every mile. The Caddy only makes sense if you have a bunch of people to take with you. For me and maybe one passenger/dog the Mercedes makes the most sense.
I’ll take 6-doors of velour comfort powered by a small block Chevy please.
Wow all 4 have big V8s, well V8s anyway. The Benz may need premium, but it will also likely yield the best mpg. Having a place to sleep would be nice though, but I am not about to pilot a land yacht that far. Benz for me.
The truck actually has an inline 6, which is part of why I’m skeptical of Mark’s claim that parts will be readily available in every parts store in America. Probably true for a 350, less so for an engine that’s been out of production in the US market for some 40 years.
Right. I do remember that now. I was too lazy to pay attention this morning. Still doesn’t change my choice though.
True, when I owned a K15 square body I ran the VIN and found it originally came with a 250, but the truck I got already had a 350 in it. Being a +30 yr old truck at the time it made sense the previous owner swapped a 350 rather than keeping/rebuilding/swapping another 250 in it. Engine ubiquitousness and performance were the main draw for this and many I-6 to SBC swaps back then just like LS swaps are today
I’ll take my chances in the Mercedes. It will look far nicer on the back of a flatbed if that is what it comes to. The C20 for a road trip? Come on.
2nd place is the Caddy, but cruising around in a limo is not as nice when you are in the driver’s seat instead of the back watching a 5″ CRT TV and on the car phone buying Bluestar Airlines.
Having done a few road trips in M119-powered Mercedes cars and having a W140 S420 in my driveway right now- i’ll choose the SL. Second is a tough choice between the limousine and the towncar, but if i had to cover 1,000 miles in a weekend alone, it would have to be roofless. They can get finicky, but i believe the R129 had all of the early M119 fixes implemented so beyond basic maintenance and upkeep, it should be a reliable ride.
Dad’s towncar (340k+mile tank rusting away in Wi winters) is still going strong and still his weekly drive to chicago runner, so towncars will always hold a special place in my heart
The limo would be nice to take the family- my wife and 3yo could probably nap the drive away in that thing
The Cadillac seems like the obvious choice. It is clean, roomy, and comfortable. I don’t think parking would be all that bad. It is only a foot or two longer than a 3/4 ton pickup. Those are difficult to park in city parking lots, but parking them is not a problem at most places you would stop on a road trip (rest areas, gas stations, etc.).
The Lincoln would also be a good choice, but that thing is revolting. I have no idea what the previous owners did to get the carpet and seats of that car so dirty. I would not want to enter that car without wearing a hazmat suit. Driving across the country wearing a hazmat suit doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time.
Could not agree more on the Lincoln. In better shape I would probably go for that, but I would spend a few hundred getting that thing decontaminated and there goes my food money.