Good morning, Autopians! On today’s Shitbox Showdown, we’re checking out a couple of cars from a low point in the US automotive industry. Yes, they’re objectively “bad,” but I contest that they are not without their charms, and at these prices, worth consideration as a fun side project.
And speaking of projects, I suppose we should see the final score from yesterday’s faded gray coupes.
I am completely unsurprised. And yes, the Conquest is probably the better car, but I have to go with the EXP. And I know exactly what paint job I’d give it: the box-art from MPC’s model kit version.
The thing is, I didn’t grow up around Japanese cars. I lived in a Midwestern town straight out of a John Mellencamp song, with a dash of Bruce Springsteen thrown in for good measure, and nobody drove Japanese cars. My dad’s Volkswagens and Fiats and British sports cars made him an outsider, and were only acceptable because they shared the driveway with a string of Dodge sedans. Most of our neighbors had either Pontiacs or Mercurys, because they were the two dealerships in town, or Fords or Chevys from the next town over. A Mitsubishi Starion was something that only existed in magazines. But a Ford EXP? One of my Cub Scout den mothers drove one. So did the cute girl who worked at the Dari-Hut.
You don’t get to choose your nostalgia; it forms in its own patterns, like stalactites and stalagmites in a cave. We are the sum total of our experiences, and for better or worse, my early automotive experiences were mostly with American cars, right smack-dab in the middle of the malaise era. And so, once in a while, I seek cars like these out, not because they are good, but because they remind me of home. White Castle hamburgers are objectively terrible, but those who grew up with them will cross state lines to get them, just for the nostalgia. Think of these cars as soft greasy sliders in cardboard sleeves, comfort food for your driveway, nourishment for your inner child.
Or something like that. Look, I just like them, all right? Let people enjoy things. Jeez.
1977 Ford Granada – $1,950
Engine/drivetrain: 302 cubic inch overhead valve V8, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Fontana, CA
Odometer reading: 169,000 miles
Runs/drives? Yes, but hasn’t been registered in 10 years
This is, for all intents and purposes, a Mercedes-Benz. Or so Ford’s marketing department would have you believe. This jumped-up Maverick was a pretty nice car by 1970s Ford standards, but a fine German luxury car it was not. If Ford had compared the Granada to cars downmarket, they would have had a case; it was nicer than a Chevy Nova or a Dodge Dart – not that that was saying much.
This Granada coupe looks like a pretty fancy model, with velour bucket seats, air conditioning, and a 302 cubic inch V8 instead of an inline-six. The V8 in question only put out 134 horsepower, so don’t expect tire-shredding performance, though you might be able to get a good solid chirp if you really romp on it. In these days before overdrive automatics, automakers lowered highway engine speeds by using absurdly tall axle ratios, in this case 2.47:1, which did nothing for acceleration. Believe me, my friends and I tried all manner of ill-advised tricks to “do burnouts” in cars like these, to absolutely no avail.
This one runs all right, it sounds like, after having been reawakened from a long sleep. The fuel system was cleaned out, the brakes have been gone through, and the exhaust has been replaced. The air conditioning compressor is shot, but other than that everything works. The seller says the carburetor needs work or replacement, but I suspect a good old “Italian tuneup” might do it a world of good.
But before you can do that, you’ll have to straighten out some paperwork. The seller has lost the title to this car, or perhaps never had it, so it comes only with a bill of sale and the old owner’s name and address. Whether that’s enough for the California DMV, I don’t know. I do know that it will also need to pass a smog test before it can be registered if it stays in California.
1978 Oldsmobile Cutlass Salon – $3,400
Engine/drivetrain: 305 cubic inch overhead valve V8, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Vacaville, CA
Odometer reading: 98,000 miles
Runs/drives? Yep
The boxy, newly-downsized 1978 GM A-bodies (later renamed G-bodies) were literally the shape of things to come: within a few years, nearly all American cars would look pretty much like them. Following in its predecessor’s footsteps, this generation of Oldsmobile Cutlass was the best-selling car in the country for four years, finally being dethroned in 1982 by the Ford Escort. And I do remember these things being absolutely everywhere–some friends of ours even had his-and-hers Cutlass Supreme coupes in dark gray and sky blue.
This, however, is no Cutlass Supreme – it’s a Cutlass Salon, the two-door fastback model that only lasted a couple of years. It looks like it should be a hatchback, but it isn’t; it has a normal trunk lid. This bodystyle may not have sold as well as the more formal coupe, but it is vastly superior in my eyes, because it is the basis for one of my favorite Hot Wheels, the “Flat-Out 442”:
If only the real car performed as well as this one did in my imagination. This Cutlass is V8-powered, at least, but it’s a mild-mannered Chevy 305 small-block. It has had quite a bit of recent work, but the seller says it has developed a tick on the left cylinder bank. They think it may need a new cam and lifters, but I used to have a Nova with this same engine, that made the same noise, and I know exactly what it is– the mechanical fuel pump. The pump is driven by an eccentric lobe on the camshaft, which moves a pushrod that operates the pump. A spring in the pump holds tension on the pushrod, and when that spring gets weak or fails, a gap opens up between the cam and the pushrod, and you get a tick. A new pump is fifteen bucks from RockAuto, and takes about half an hour to install.
Cosmetically, this Cutlass looks pretty damn good for its age. The paint is dull, but the body looks straight as an arrow, and the interior is clean, based on the one photo we get. And I love the color combination; back when this car was built, you could order pretty much any color exterior with any color interior. Hence, sky blue with burgundy. I think it works.
The seller says this car was a daily driver recently, and it doesn’t sound far off from being one again, if you so choose. But I think I’d save it for a nice weekend cruiser, though I’d maybe warm up the small-block a bit, and give it an exhaust that makes just a bit more noise. It’ll never be fast, unless you do something drastic like an engine swap, but fast is overrated.
Today’s cars are light-years ahead of these old relics in every way, of course. Hell, cars ten years newer than these were a huge improvement. But these cars speak to me. Maybe one of them speaks to you, too.
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers, and me, for the Hot Wheels photo)
Weirdo Cutlass FTW. Gonna go take a nap now.
Wow, Mark, you weren’t kidding with the “midweek malaise”. This is some real crappage. If forced to choose, I guess I’d have to go with the Cutlass. It’s better than the Granada, but then again, what’s not better than a Granada?
The Cutty all day and twice on Sunday.
The Ford isn’t worth sorting out the missing title.
The Olds wins by disqualification.
Cutlass, no question. I also grew up in an American vehicle heavy area, and my dad always bought GM cars, so I also have some bias. No it’s time to go dig through my old Hotwheels and Matchbox cars from my youth that my daughter has now taken over.
The Cutlass, because you can back it up to a pool and use it as a slide.
My brain often conflates the word malaise with mayonnaise. In this case, however, mayonnaise would be considered exotic.
too spicy for these cars
Gimme the Cutlass. The fastback shape was always simple and pretty in a minimalist way. It’s got the full instrument panel. Have some fun with rebuilding/tuning the old motor or drop in something more interesting. Go wild and put in a floor-mount shifter. Do some basic suspension upgrades. Most of all, just have some fun with it. It’s a great blank canvas for that.
I’m a total sucker for a full instrument setup on a domestic of this era. Esp. because it meant then there was less area for those ugly horizontal gauges automakers used to use to fill up space.
Both of these cars are just awful, though, admittedly, typical of their era. I’m thankful I grew up in a region of greater auto diversity. I chose the Cutlass for one reason: my part-time job was as a service station grunt in the mid to late 70s. Grenadas (and Monarchs) had a nasty design flaw that caused them to spew fuel from the filler tube, no matter how slowly you pumped it in, soaking the attendant. To avoid that, you had to bend down and listen closely and when you began to hear gas percolate, you shut off the nozzle. There was still a 50/50 chance you’d get a face full of gas. To top it up you had to gently squeeze the trigger in little bursts or you’d never get a full tank. The Cutlass did not have this problem, so it wins my vote.
I love this. This is kinda thing you rarely hear about when people talk cars, but should – stuff like this makes such a difference in terms of living with a vehicle. I’d say it’s a “little” thing, but it’s not…would be like if Leafs (Leaves?) were known to spark crazily when you plugged/unplugged them.
My grandma had a dark blue Granada coupe with dark blue vinyl bench seats. Without a towel down they had the power to remove your skin in the summer.
No title = parts car.
Surely it’s not stolen. Because who would steal a Grenada. But it’ll never roam the streets again. Which is probably a good thing.
In Kansas at least, anything over 35 years old can be sold on bill of sale. It requires a highway patrol inspection but then it can be titled pretty easily. That said I still voted for the Olds
Yep, in NC you can get a bonded title as long as their isn’t a lien on the title.
My vote goes to the Cutlass. It looks like it’s in way better condition and that engine tick is an opportunity to rework that Chevy 305 for better performance. And a Chevy 305 can do around 90% of what a Chevy 350 can do.
https://www.motortrend.com/how-to/ccrp-9903-305-chevy-small-block-engine-build/
https://www.motortrend.com/how-to/1412-how-to-mod-a-305-with-bolt-ons-add-168-rwhp/
And here’s an ultra low budget $698 build where they get it to around 200hp
https://youtu.be/-88X_s3TzZU?si=VpkciRAL44So8FXZ&t=207
And probably for around $2000, you can get a 305 up to around 300hp.
Or do the LS swap that the seller suggests.
Though going that route will likely involve having to upgrade the transmission and other driveline bits.
That Cutlass needs a 502 crate, dammit.
Gutless Cutlass for the win, mostly because it has a title. but also low miles and Ease of hopping up with a SBC already there. would make a pretty slick sleeper car with a 5.3 and 4l60E swap.
Ha! We had the original Gutless Cutlass, a 76 Supreme with the 260 V8. It did go forever, though. After I was done with it in the early 90s with over 200k my Mom gave it to one of her co-op students at the community college. It might actually still be running somewhere
A lot of reasons to go for the Olds.
I voted Grenada, but I completely missed the “missing paperwork” part of it. Whoops. So yeah, absolutely not.
The funky fastback looking one, please.
And can we not talk about how Ford compared that boring bucket to a Mercedes-Benz? It’s just too embarassing 😉
As 1980’s malaise goes, the Cutlass was a nice design. I looked at the pictures today and thought “nice car!”.
Now excuse me while I force some coffee into my brain and return to sanity.
https://images.app.goo.gl/3ieQPJCRJ25PWEfP6
Welp, you don’t need to afford a Mercedes. Just find a Granada ESS and cut loose on the autobahn.
https://images.app.goo.gl/3ieQPJCRJ25PWEfP6
Welp, you don’t need to afford a Mercedes, just find a Granada ESS and let loose on the autobahn
I love love love Salons. It just perfectly encapsulates the whole “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” design mentality of the late 70’s. I mean, just look at the thing. It’s glorious!
The Granada is a bit nicer than I might have expected, but it’s no contest: we’ll take the A-body. Also, I agree the pics aren’t great, but I wonder if it’s actually silver rather than light blue?
Minor but worthy note: the Cutlass has one of GM’s best malaise-era wheels – they offered the durability of steel but with alloy-quality style. GM used them through the ’80s on everything, and they still look great to my eyes.
You’re so right. Those Olds “Rally” wheels, in body color, are to die for.
My first car was a fairly trashed Chevy wagon…but it had those wheels, so all was not lost!
in ’89 bought a 1980 Supreme as a college commuter, part of the reason was for the rally wheels & dress rings, which were still intact.
If you paid me the $1950 for the Granada I still wouldn’t take that room temperature bucket of apathetic American malaise. The missing paperwork is just the cherry on top for a very hard no.
The Olds is at least kind of interesting in the not-so-common fastback form.
Those white-letter tires are not going to fool me; that’s no race car.
Give them the boring-ass Grenada.