What people don’t know about our beloved cofounder Jason Torchinsky is that he has been plagued with more car troubles than anyone I know. I mean, it’s truly remarkable how much bullshit this man endures when it comes to automobiles, and yet he totally undersells it, maybe out of embarrassment? It’s not clear to me, but it’s over now, because I’m buying Jason a Toyota. Yes, a vehicle from the brand that promises endless reliability will soon sit in Jason’s driveway, providing him with steady, trouble-free transport. At least, in theory. You see, I bought this thing for $500.
Are Toyotas really that reliable? I don’t know. I’ve only ever owned one, and it was a Lexus LX470 with 265,000 miles; the thing was an absolute tank, and I remain amazed by it to this day. But just as that was a single data point, so too will this 2004 Sienna minivan be another single datapoint. Still, as unscientific as this will be, I’m excited to see if this $500 family-hauler will actually prove what Toyota lovers have been declaring for years.
You see, Jason needs this. Badly. He basically admits that he’s hopeless in an old post, writing:
I suck. I co-run The World’s Finest Automotive Website (don’t check on that) and yet somehow I’m also incapable of keeping my fleet of miserable shitboxes going.
Let’s do a roundup of his cars real quick, and you’ll understand why I’m convinced his automotive situation contributed to the high blood pressure that may have played a part in his extremely scary aortic dissection late last month.
1973 VW Beetle
Jason’s Beetle, which he’s owned for decades and which he loves with all his heart, has sadly been dead for well over a year now, and it’s for reasons unknown. Somehow, the engine seized up, and despite my numerous efforts towing his Beetle around as Jason dumped the clutch while in gear, that motor just wouldn’t spin over. I have no clue what’s going on, and neither does Torch.
Jason claims to have slapped some Marvel Mystery Oil into the cylinders to loosen things up, but given that it’s a flat engine, I have my doubts that it did anything (the oil probably just dribbled right out of the spark plug holes, if I had to guess). It’s sad.
2010 VW Tiguan
I really don’t want to talk about Jason’s Tiguan too much, because it bothers me. It bothers me that Jason, like so many of my other friends over the years, fell victim to VW’s bullshit engineering that has been ruining the lives of so many folks near and dear to my heart. I’m tired of hearing the stories. I’m annoyed. Modern-ish Volkswagens are pathetic, and this Tiguan, which grenaded itself already due to a poor valve timing design, is now overheating. Ugh.
1989 Ford F-150
I already bought Jason a vehicle to solve these problems (see article “David Tracy Bought Me An ‘Unkillable’ 1989 Ford F-150 But Getting It Home Was A Shitshow“). It’s the most reliable vehicle I’ve even heard of: It’s a Ford F-150 with a stout T-18 four-speed manual transmission and an equally-stout 300 inline-six. In theory, this combination cannot be broken, and yet our beloved Jason managed it. The starter motor died, he replaced it, and shortly thereafter the flywheel teeth broke off. So now the vehicle won’t crank, and the transmission has to be removed. Crap!
1991 Yugo GV Plus
Jason’s Yugo works, but I guarantee he hasn’t driven it in a long, long time. That’s not because he doesn’t like it, it’s because it’s just a little… rough around the edges. It’s a car that folks have had in their driveways but never truly owned. It’s a deeply, deeply neglected machine that needs plenty of maintenance, and Jason’s shifter fix (which he wrote about at Jalopnik) is just not really acceptable, nor is his pen fix for the throttle cable.
Nor is his “permanent” garden hose-based fix:
Yikes.
1990 Nissan Pao
Jason’s Nissan Pao is actually a stout little machine, except for one thing: Torch keeps running into deer. He did it once, the vehicle was out for a long time, then it got repaired, then the car overheated because the repair didn’t include a new radiator hose (so the thing leaked and blew a head gasket), and after being out for more than a year, recently Jason hit another deer. The Pao is a deer magnet, it seems.
Changli
The Changli, the cheapest electric car in the world, was out of the game for over a year due to swollen batteries, which Jason literally had to chainsaw out. Recently, Torch replaced the batteries with cheap Walmart marine batteries, but they didn’t fit the box, so two are in the rear footwell, wired up so jankily I’m convinced the Magic Smoke will soon fill the vehicle’s cabin and render the beloved little red EV useless. Also, this really isn’t a viable mode of transportation for any trip that requires more than 20 mph or a range of over about 12 miles.
1977 Dodge Tioga RV
Jason’s Dodge Tioga is what he used to move to his house about a decade ago. He parked it, and it hasn’t moved since. The engine makes no compression (I suspect a bad timing chain, though that’s surprising given how short that chain is on a Dodge 440), and I saw a feral cat living in it the last time I opened it up. Chapel Hill’s climate can be a bit rain forest-y sometimes, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that cabin is musty at this point.
The Savior Is Here
I believe in my heart of hearts that this Toyota Sienna with 241,000 miles is going to be the most reliable vehicle in Jason’s fleet. I know, I thought that before about the “unkillable” Ford F-150, but I’ve got a good feeling about this all-wheel drive Toyota offered by St. Louis-based Autopian reader David for the low, low price of $500.
Is it going to be exciting? Maybe not, but Jason isn’t going to be driving for a while anyway due to his recent aortic dissection, so this might be a great way to get him and his walker around. Plus, he does tend to find the joy in everything, and he is pro-minivan.
Maybe I’ll be wrong. Maybe a 241,000 mile Sienna will be just as crappy as Jason’s other cars, but we’re going to put that Toyota Promise to the test when I bring this van to him in early January.
I have to fly to St. Louis and fix the front struts before road-tripping to Chapel Hill, North Carolina, but hey, you didn’t think a $500 Sienna would be completely trouble-free, did you? I’ll get those struts handled, and knock out any other overdue maintenance items I see. Then we’ll find it out this vehicle can withstand a man known for killing cars.
It’s Toyota vs. Torch.
We had one of this generation for our previous minivan. No major issues to speak of.
I’d recommend you take it to get detailed, minivan interiors get rough from all the kids…
You might want to wait until after David is done with it to detail it.
Yes. The answer is always to buy one car more.
Yes
that should be on the masthead or something
Sadly n+1 is already taken by a literary journal: https://www.nplusonemag.com/
Ha! Certainly my motto. I believe in having different vehicles to cover every occasion. The problem with Torch’s fleet is he didn’t a vehicle for when the occasion was arriving at your destination. I hope this one fills that hole!
I don’t how close to Jason he is in NC, but a cross over with Wrenching with Kenny on YouTube would be awesome to see.
“Hey everyone, how’s it going? What am I working on now? Well, I got this ’72 Beetle with what appears to be a seized engine. Let’s take a look…”.
It’s really hard to argue against Toyota being The Best Automaker. It’s not my favourite, as you may tell, but holy shit, do they live up to the reputation. So, so many 3-4 decades old Toyotas on the road with odometers reading close to half a million km and engines that feel barely broken into in my neck of the woods. I have nothing but respect for Toyota, which isn’t something I can say about almost any other non-defunct automaker.
Toyota isn’t immune to mistakes; the recent debacle at Daihatsu shows us as much I think. But they have nailed the formula for their product development long ago and never allowed themselves to get sloppy with it. They kept their engineering and build quality standards throughout the decades, and haven’t completely pivoted to churning our slight variations of the same CUV/SUV template; instead, they keep selling sensibly sized, practical and cheap models (my kingdom for a first-gen Probox).
Almost every car enthusiast I know has an old Toyota in the fleet that gets the owners begrudging respect after a while to help pick up rare Lancia parts / trailer BMW motorbikes or the old Previa/Tarago that you can lend out to relatives. If nothing else Toyota have made other companies at least try and improve their fleets reliability.
If you know anyone who needs a low mileage Oldsmobile Intrigue, our 97-year-old neighbor passed away recently.
It seems no one here is Intrigued?
Do you live in Pennsylvania or New Jersey?
So CEL and oil light are on? Or was this key in ignition on with out it running?
David, you’re a true friend!
The pic with the oil and check engine lights also includes the tach, which is at 0 RPM. 🙂
so the engine is dead 😛
I got a similar Toyota Sienna for my wife after we didn’t need our Surburban anymore. It was gold with tan interior and everything they say about Toyota is TRUE. This thing was so perfect it was annoying. Everything about it was designed to be perfect. Heck, there was a cup holder near your hand at all times. The oil drain was designed with oil changes in mind – I did an oil change on it and DID NOT SPILL A DROP. Why? It was engineered for that. Perfect. Also – take a second and look at the adorable flowery pattern on the brake pedal. It will make you smile.
That Sienna was trouble free 100% of the time we owned it, but sadly my wife was collected in a wreck on the interstate and it was totaled. Thankfully, she was fine… again because this car was so well-built. It protected her like it was supposed to. We replaced it with an Odyssey – not because I wouldn’t buy another Sienna – I was literally just curious enough to try out the other perfect minivan. Wasn’t disappointed, either. Six years later, the Odyssey hasn’t let us down at all.
So… even if those miles caused problems, that thing was likely designed so those problems could be fixed.
Wait a min, so you’re telling me that both of you guys are going to be right up the road, here in NC, with a bunch of old broken shitboxes that need some work?
I know a guy that would love to help out!
We need The Autopian version of the Bat Signal; maybe an illuminated Check Engine icon or crossed wrenches cast into the night sky.
I’m 3.5 hours away… If y’all do a Autopian meet I may have to try to make it. Maybe the Pug will be road worthy by then
I haven’t checked exact distance to Jason’s house (cause that would be a bit stalker-ey), but I’m an hour north of the NC border just off 220 and would be glad to lend a hand and bad advice. Ran air-cooled VWs for years, so maybe can help there?
(huge high five)
As others have said, this really is a good-friend type of thing to do.
I look forward to reading about Project Torchyota! 🙂
How are you feeling, btw?
Sonar?
It’s the rear backup proximity detectors. If you have a bike rack on the rear or something, it’ll go off any time you are in reverse, so that button disables it.
One Ping Only
Perfect.
Why don’t you, like, fix his existing cars for him? Aside from the Volkswagens, I don’t think they all have serious, unfixable problems.
It would seem like a fun project, both to write about and also as a nice ‘present’ for Torch.
Exactly the Ford and the Changli fixes would take less than a day for sure. That VW though might be time to let it go.
Seems like just get a VW crate engine from one of the suppliers in sunny CA. Could make videos and articles about doing the engine swap.
I’ll fix the truck.
My co-worker’s heart exploded because his crappy cars are too stressful, so I now live in a Dodge Tioga in his yard for the foreseeable future as I fix them all (except for the Tiguan, which will receive a ceremonial chain sawing at a future Autopian event)
Surprising as it may seem, Dodge V-8s w/a ton of miles can have the timing chain fall right off the crank sprocket when the engine is shut off. The bad part about that is when you try to start it, it just spins over and bends that one valve that was left hanging open when it stopped.
ehhh I mean its a toyota, but I had a reconstructed 285k prius and that thing was a stress inducing fuel saving pain in the butt. I chose between junking it or moving to a new house (also stress inducing). On the bright side no more battery cell changes.
“Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!”
“Again?”
“This time, for sure!”
Wow, what a deal! So nice of you David…yeah, it wouldn’t hurt to have a daily driver around
Holler if you need some help. I’m good at holding a flashlight steady (it gets dark here around 5:00 p.m. in January) and live near a couple of awesome pizza places so I can pick up sustenance on my way. Crap at most things car-repair-related but at least won’t second guess or tut quietly in the background.
(Another) Dave in STL.
David, didn’t you have a supposedly reliable Honda Accord that somehow was the most unreliable of your sketchy fleet? Maybe you and Jason are just meant to get weird with the universe, and reliable cars aren’t for you two.
That Honda was a pile.
If you run an automotive website, there’s no such thing as car troubles, just content opportunities.
This generation of Sienna is rock solid. I still know a few families rocking these, with well into this sort of mileage on the odometer. In the unforgiving conditions of Upstate NY nonetheless.
I normally would be skeptical of someone gifting a $500 car to someone post heart surgery, but with some work this may actually be the best car (as far as vehicle that goes and stops without fighting the owner like a rabid animal) that Torch has ever owned. Or at least better than that shitshow listed above.
I assure you there’s no malice here. Broken cars with triple digit value are David Tracy’s love language.
Oh I never expect malice from DT, lol.
I’m actually tremendously interested in the inevitable write-up for this van’s overhaul. I’m curious as to what sort of minor gremlins may be present (there’s always something being ignored in a nearly 20 year old family car, even a Toyota) and what sort of struggle, if any really, there’s going to be, to get this thing sorted out to not have it just be another large sad object sitting idle on the Piedmont.
If it’s spent its whole life in StL, wih their love for liquid salt on the bridges it may be more swiss cheese solid than rock.
I’m certainly expecting DT to be stocking up on PB Blaster and torches to deal with whatever crusty fasteners he’ll be dealing with.
The body looks pretty nice though? Hopefully the horrors underneath are limited.
Not that this isn’t very very thoughtful, but couldn’t Beau like float him a company car? Something with a warranty?
That would hardly generate Content.
Jason’s experience with cars reminds me of the tale of the cobbler whose children had no shoes.
Or the painter’s own house, or the mechanic’s own car, or the heart surgeon who chain smokes unfiltered Camels, or the plumber’s own pipes at home… If not crusty/terminally rusty, that Sienna should keep on soldiering on.
In a former role as a nonprofit administrator, one of my key volunteers was a fairly prominent local architect who was president of the metro AIA chapter. Went to his house to pick up some paperwork one time, it was piles of construction debris with weeds growing in it and building materials in rotting packaging all over the lawn and most of the front was sun faded DuPont hose wrap, his kid answered the door with a blanket wrapped around him and apologized for not having a hand free, but the roof was currently off of his bedroom (yeah, that part of the house was a blue tarp). Apparently, the guy had started a major expansion and renovation project like 12 years earlier, but got sidetracked with clients and just never finished it, aside from occasionally doing additional demolition here and there
I bought a house from a man who apparently was a plumber. I thought that was a good sign for the mechanical systems in the house.
Nope.
My FIL is a plumber (was, he just retired), and he kludges things at home exactly as hastily as he did at work. He also used materials taken home from the giant building he maintained, so everything is wildly overdimensioned and completely unreasonable, requiring random holes in walls or just sitting beneath the ceiling instead of inside of it.
For all of our sakes, I hope this works out.
*Gulp*
This touching story deserves its own December to Remember commercial.
Good luck on the trans
[googles]
…
[gulp]
Are you talking about the Shift Lockout problem? There was a recall on it and I’m not aware of other issues.
The all-wheel-drives had a few shifting issues at high miles — if the regulator service hadn’t been completed on a regular basis.
Okay, so nothing too scary.
Torch has already outlasted one ’00s Toyota (the Drive-Time-Snackometer Scion Coolbear) and I have faith that this one will keep chugging until Science Time comes ’round again.
(Edit: Is ‘outlasted’ really the word? Really, he got tired of the xB, after at least one Pao-grade deer strike, right?)
The transmission input shaft bearing gave up the ghost.
That’d do it. RIP, little box, and viva Sienna!
You’re a true friend, David! My son and daughter-in-law have a newer model Sienna and there is simply no better vehicle for hauling family and crap around, IMHO. You definitely did Torch and Sally and Otto a solid here (as did the seller!). I’m willing to bet this vehicle will be as reliable as people think it is and that it will usher in a new era of peace and tranquility to the Torchinsky transportation situation.
Wasn’t the Beetle engine a fresh rebuild unit installed to replace the original that was missing upon the theft recovery of the rest of the car?
Oh, wait, that was somehow over 10 years ago at this point, guess that is plenty of time for stuff to go wrong
Exactly right! But yeah, wow Torch and I have been at this for a while…
Yeah, it seemed more recent, decided to Bing it before posting, holy crap, that was 2013. I remember sitting in my office cubicle and following the frantic progress as it unfolded after that first sighting came through
Maybe a spun & seized crank shaft bearing? If you haven’t already, might want to drain and inspect the oil, pull the sump plate, and try to take a peek up inside the case.
I don’t recall where the rebuilt engine came from, but there are some less-than-reputable (big name for AC VW) suppliers out there.
I don’t have much experience with air cooled Beetles, but based on what I do know it may be easier to pull & rebuild (or swap) the VW than replace the struts on the Sienna. You don’t even need a hoist for the VW – two people can readily pull it out. The Sienna, however, does offer modern amenities and safety, so that is likely the better choice. The F-150 flex-plate swap is likely only a bit longer of a project than the Beetle engine swap.