What people don’t know about our beloved cofounder Jason Torchinsky is that he has been plagued with more car troubles than anyone I know. I mean, it’s truly remarkable how much bullshit this man endures when it comes to automobiles, and yet he totally undersells it, maybe out of embarrassment? It’s not clear to me, but it’s over now, because I’m buying Jason a Toyota. Yes, a vehicle from the brand that promises endless reliability will soon sit in Jason’s driveway, providing him with steady, trouble-free transport. At least, in theory. You see, I bought this thing for $500.
Are Toyotas really that reliable? I don’t know. I’ve only ever owned one, and it was a Lexus LX470 with 265,000 miles; the thing was an absolute tank, and I remain amazed by it to this day. But just as that was a single data point, so too will this 2004 Sienna minivan be another single datapoint. Still, as unscientific as this will be, I’m excited to see if this $500 family-hauler will actually prove what Toyota lovers have been declaring for years.
You see, Jason needs this. Badly. He basically admits that he’s hopeless in an old post, writing:
I suck. I co-run The World’s Finest Automotive Website (don’t check on that) and yet somehow I’m also incapable of keeping my fleet of miserable shitboxes going.
Let’s do a roundup of his cars real quick, and you’ll understand why I’m convinced his automotive situation contributed to the high blood pressure that may have played a part in his extremely scary aortic dissection late last month.
1973 VW Beetle
Jason’s Beetle, which he’s owned for decades and which he loves with all his heart, has sadly been dead for well over a year now, and it’s for reasons unknown. Somehow, the engine seized up, and despite my numerous efforts towing his Beetle around as Jason dumped the clutch while in gear, that motor just wouldn’t spin over. I have no clue what’s going on, and neither does Torch.
Jason claims to have slapped some Marvel Mystery Oil into the cylinders to loosen things up, but given that it’s a flat engine, I have my doubts that it did anything (the oil probably just dribbled right out of the spark plug holes, if I had to guess). It’s sad.
2010 VW Tiguan
I really don’t want to talk about Jason’s Tiguan too much, because it bothers me. It bothers me that Jason, like so many of my other friends over the years, fell victim to VW’s bullshit engineering that has been ruining the lives of so many folks near and dear to my heart. I’m tired of hearing the stories. I’m annoyed. Modern-ish Volkswagens are pathetic, and this Tiguan, which grenaded itself already due to a poor valve timing design, is now overheating. Ugh.
1989 Ford F-150
I already bought Jason a vehicle to solve these problems (see article “David Tracy Bought Me An ‘Unkillable’ 1989 Ford F-150 But Getting It Home Was A Shitshow“). It’s the most reliable vehicle I’ve even heard of: It’s a Ford F-150 with a stout T-18 four-speed manual transmission and an equally-stout 300 inline-six. In theory, this combination cannot be broken, and yet our beloved Jason managed it. The starter motor died, he replaced it, and shortly thereafter the flywheel teeth broke off. So now the vehicle won’t crank, and the transmission has to be removed. Crap!
1991 Yugo GV Plus
Jason’s Yugo works, but I guarantee he hasn’t driven it in a long, long time. That’s not because he doesn’t like it, it’s because it’s just a little… rough around the edges. It’s a car that folks have had in their driveways but never truly owned. It’s a deeply, deeply neglected machine that needs plenty of maintenance, and Jason’s shifter fix (which he wrote about at Jalopnik) is just not really acceptable, nor is his pen fix for the throttle cable.
Nor is his “permanent” garden hose-based fix:
Yikes.
1990 Nissan Pao
Jason’s Nissan Pao is actually a stout little machine, except for one thing: Torch keeps running into deer. He did it once, the vehicle was out for a long time, then it got repaired, then the car overheated because the repair didn’t include a new radiator hose (so the thing leaked and blew a head gasket), and after being out for more than a year, recently Jason hit another deer. The Pao is a deer magnet, it seems.
Changli
The Changli, the cheapest electric car in the world, was out of the game for over a year due to swollen batteries, which Jason literally had to chainsaw out. Recently, Torch replaced the batteries with cheap Walmart marine batteries, but they didn’t fit the box, so two are in the rear footwell, wired up so jankily I’m convinced the Magic Smoke will soon fill the vehicle’s cabin and render the beloved little red EV useless. Also, this really isn’t a viable mode of transportation for any trip that requires more than 20 mph or a range of over about 12 miles.
1977 Dodge Tioga RV
Jason’s Dodge Tioga is what he used to move to his house about a decade ago. He parked it, and it hasn’t moved since. The engine makes no compression (I suspect a bad timing chain, though that’s surprising given how short that chain is on a Dodge 440), and I saw a feral cat living in it the last time I opened it up. Chapel Hill’s climate can be a bit rain forest-y sometimes, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that cabin is musty at this point.
The Savior Is Here
I believe in my heart of hearts that this Toyota Sienna with 241,000 miles is going to be the most reliable vehicle in Jason’s fleet. I know, I thought that before about the “unkillable” Ford F-150, but I’ve got a good feeling about this all-wheel drive Toyota offered by St. Louis-based Autopian reader David for the low, low price of $500.
Is it going to be exciting? Maybe not, but Jason isn’t going to be driving for a while anyway due to his recent aortic dissection, so this might be a great way to get him and his walker around. Plus, he does tend to find the joy in everything, and he is pro-minivan.
Maybe I’ll be wrong. Maybe a 241,000 mile Sienna will be just as crappy as Jason’s other cars, but we’re going to put that Toyota Promise to the test when I bring this van to him in early January.
I have to fly to St. Louis and fix the front struts before road-tripping to Chapel Hill, North Carolina, but hey, you didn’t think a $500 Sienna would be completely trouble-free, did you? I’ll get those struts handled, and knock out any other overdue maintenance items I see. Then we’ll find it out this vehicle can withstand a man known for killing cars.
It’s Toyota vs. Torch.
This Sienna may either save Jason or grenade and give him more heartache. I’m betting/hoping on the former. Kudos to you David for trying to get your partner into something that at least offers a history of reliability.
I must ask though….Torch, what are you thinking with that array of truly awful vehicles in your stable? Doesn’t your family deserve at least one vehicle that it can depend on?
Hopefully the timing belt, water pump, valley hose and knock sensors were changed recently.
It’s $500, so it’s eligible for Lemons. Wheel-to-wheel racing in shitboxes is recommended for recovering from surgery, right?
Ok, that a little better. Because, what I read was,
’Jason’s cars don’t work, so I bought him one’
—a $500 one, because of course David would!
But it came from a reader, so that raises the level of sketch from, ‘Why would you do this to a man whose aorta just delaminated?? (Does he have insurance on Jason? Has he developed a pricey Sonic Bath habit???) to, ‘Well, it came from a reader who knows where it’s going, so that should be alright, then: just normal jank and not CL level suspicions’
consider me mollified 😉
Everyone talking about cars, but I’m here to say that DT is one of the nicest folks I’ve virtually met in my life. He consistently is upbeat, a good friend, and a real automotive ambassador. Heck, the whole staff is a bunch of good natured car (and other vehicle) geeks. Maybe that’s why the site is one of my go-tos. Someday I hope I’ll work with such a great crew. Thanks!
My 99 RX 300 sucks gas like, well let’s just say it loves it some petrol. But it is from CA and had no rust. It had 167,000 miles on it when it was trucked here. The interior is Toyota 90’s beige. It now has 220,000 miles and a safari tent up top with a custom made rack. When I got the refrigerator I had the same rack folks wire in a second battery and real wiring. Shout out to CNC Off-road in Kenosha, WI. (Their motto is: if you can draw it on a napkin we can make it.). That all wheel drive Sienna looks perfect. If Jason doesn’t want it e-mail me. Also
Mini Vans are
Just
Better
A trusty Toyota should be just what Torch needs. We have an ’05 Acura RL with over 230,000 in the family that still runs/drives great and is still a fun car to drive. With all those miles it feels incredibly solid (not worn out). My son will probably make it to 300,000 miles easily.
I hope David’s faith is well placed and this is “the one good car” used for essential journeys and fetching parts.
Given its age, just check the belts and fluids. And look for rust. Don’t see why it shouldn’t keep rolling if those are squared away. Get well, Jason!
I live in St Louis! If you need a hand or just need lunch let me know!
I think Jason might be a retrocomputer guy in a gearhead’s body.
Or something like that.
He is also a retrocomputer guy too! IIRC there was the odd article on the old site, and he’s written for other publications too: https://arstechnica.com/features/2020/12/how-an-obscure-british-pc-maker-invented-arm-and-changed-the-world/
I am seeing a trend here. Janky cars are a requisite to write for Autopian. I am okay with that because if you guys just ran in 6 month old anythings, you would have no money and have little to write about. We do revel in your car antics.
And there is a great sense of accomplishment when things get fixed.
That being said, I think David, you need to be the adult in the room (!!??) whenever Jason is back to wrenching on anything. Literally in the same room. His acumen is in design and theory, not chainsawing cars. (I mean this in the most loving way a man can say this to another man, Jason!)
The Sienna is a great first step. I sell used Toyotas, mostly Priuses, but have a Sienna that we are presently using as a loaner. It needed an automatic transmission, which was a saga of denial and solenoids until I just said “fuck it” and found a good used one. I bought it with a labor warranty since things can go sideways on used stuff and for $100 extra, I sleep better.
Whenever we get non-Priuses, we now always check the ATF. This is something most people ignore. (And another reason to love Priuses with no solenoids or valves just a geared CVT!)
I hope this stress reliever works as well as it sounds. Thank you David for taking such good care of our friend.
Doesn’t the Prius have a planetary gear set, just like a regular ‘old’ auto-box? I thought it’s the integration of the electric motor (which is somehow in the gearbox) that makes it feel like a CVT.
I don’t recall feeling any shifting driving my parents’ 20yo one: more like a golf cart.
(but I did get stuck when I stopped at a store years ago: had to get the owner’s manual out to find out one needed to press the brake to start it! I didn’t know such things: I was driving cars from the 80s)
Me neither, I’ve driven a couple of Prius and there’s no feeling of shifting. But I remember watching an in-depth YouTube video about the Prius drivetrain, and I’m pretty sure it’s a planetary gear set box, with the e-motor somehow integrated in a way that it feels like a CVT. Hence the name e-CVT (I’m not 100% sure that I remember the video correctly, but the part about the planetary gears surprised me, so it kind of stuck…)
This article is rather ironic having been written by a guy who once had such a fleet of non-running vehicles he had to either beg a press car or go out and buy something that ran in order to make it past the city limits. 🙂
I also don’t think Torch has had the city on his ass about his automotive menagerie.
Yet
It’s NC—and not Charlotte or Chapel Hill. Should be fine
As DT wrote, “…before road-tripping to Chapel Hill, North Carolina.”
The Torchinsky clan undoubtedly need reliable transportation, and the sentiment, and your ability to perform repairs, is admirable David, but I can’t shake the feeling that something expensive is due to go awry in the drive train of a 1/4 Mm 4×4 purchased for $500. It brings to mind “take her to Cambodia. Get her lobster. Pay more than a dollar.”
It will be a welcome addition, but for how long? Consider it a first step in the right direction, and work on getting something much better around the $10,000 range like you did.
10k is way too much
I’ve been looking for a “weekend beater” for a while. Pickups are apparently made of gold. So I branched into minivans as well since they can carry lumber too. There really a void at the bottom of the budget. $10k might not buy much better of a car than $500 and a willingness to wrench.
Every family needs at least one reliable vehicle if they live away from public transportation. I have done most of my vehicles maintenance and repairs since 1979, and usually had three+ at a time. I’ve had some around $500, and some around $10k inflation adj., and now on the cusp of sixty, I only want to change oil,filters,brakes, and shocks/struts, and own low mile, well made, reliable vehicles. They are out there!
I’m right with you on the timeline. And, where I used to keep 2 $75-350 cars tagged & another in the wings, I now have a four-figure sedan and a (gulp!) just five-figure hot convertible. I don’t want to wrench: I want to drive them! It helps a lot that I have a work van I don’t have to touch so I can earn the gas money to do so.
You can usually buy a Matrix/Vibe all day for well under that amount ($10k, not $500 obv). Look for a while and you’ll find an AWD one too if you need it.
Now we need to help Otto pick a “first car” from among the above fleet and sell a few of them. Use the proceeds for Jason’s less physical hobby of retro-computing.
I vote the F150 for Otto because it has the most mass to protect him.
Sell the car with the toilet. Maybe somebody can use the 440 for a project.
Sell the ChangLi for reasons stated in the article.
Sell the Pao because Autozone/NAPA/PepBoys/whatever do not carry parts.
The Beetle is Jason(Gollum)’s “precious” so that’s not an option for Otto.
The Yugo needs approval from Mrs. Torch before Otto drives it.
I don’t know? Is this a new DT? IF the old DT made fun off of you about your unreliable vehicles it had to be bad. I mean dozens of 2 ton door stops all over his landlords yard. More rust than trust it will run. Now both DTs have hearts of gold but wasn’t it just last year DT had so many broke down POS that he couldn’t figure how to move tons of rust to the land of rust free cars? He also owned a car taken over by feral cats? More jeeps than a Stellantis assembly line but not one that worked? And now he is calling out Torch who is not quite that bad?
BTW I have had some luck with deer whistles to avoid deer dents.
This is the California David.
Well maybe, I need a list of the vehicles still in the DT corral to be sure.
Specifically, Hollywood David.
I truly, deeply understand I’m about to suggest something alien and sacrilegious on a car enthusiast website, but…
For god’s sake, get Torch a company lease vehicle. Something brand-spanking-new, no miles, with a warranty. Galpin is a Ford dealership! That one of the site’s founders owns! At least in part! Get Torch a base Maverick on a two-year lease and get a maintenance plan at a dealer local to him. Review cars aren’t a guarantee.
There is a point where forced automotive sadomasochism moves beyond ‘hobby’ or even ‘job’ and stops being funny – or worth it, without some reliable form of transportation to fallback on. I applaud David for figuring that out in California with his i3. Absolutely misadventures in crappy cars are good for content.
I gotta say, though, as lighthearted as it may be intended and is probably going to be taken, “Hey – you just had a life threatening medical event that turned your life upside down, so here’s a minivan that’s covered the distance to the moon for some reliable transportation!” just doesn’t read well to me. I’ve owned ‘reliable’ cars and being trapped when they need repair – and you lack other options – is exhausting and stressful in equal measure.
I am certain (or certainly hope) that Torch won’t be put in a spot where this is really actually his only reliable means of transportation.
I’d probably go Bronco Sport for the company car given the situation. Enclosed cargo area is better for the accessories that come with major surgery recovery – you don’t want them to get water damage, depending on how your house is set up you might just want to keep the walker in the car. Since the Escape is misery on four wheels, and Galpin sells Ford, there you go.
EDIT: Oh wait looks like Galpin sells Honda. Boom, Odyssey, perfect. The definition of a surgery recovery vehicle. Space, ease of entry/exit, it’s the ideal car for the situation
Galpin also sells Mazda. I’d consider a CX-30 or HR-V if it has enough space since Sally’s clearly a compact-crossover appreciator and its’ permanent job will be to be to take the Tiguan’s place as her non-janky car once Jason gets back behind the wheel of one of his content-generators.
I definitely wouldn’t recommend a compact crossover for this situation at all. Openings are too small and recovery equipment is surprisingly bulky – if he’s got a walker right now, for example, even the smallest walker is going be a big headache if they want to bring Otto too.
The ideal vehicle is a van, without question. Sliding doors alone make your life 100x easier. A mid-size crossover is the smallest vehicle that you could do it comfortably with on a regular basis. Anything smaller and you’re making hard choices about who has to stay home.
Source: Have had to cart around elderly parents with similar issues.
“Oh What a Feeling, Torchyota” that was always the jingle wasn’t it?
This was the gen Toyota finally nailed the formula Chrysler had set and then some. In some ways it was better than the generation that followed IMO. I would think a loaded example such as this was well taken care of in particular, and Siennas and Highlanders are consistently on the list of cars people keep longest, so odds are good here.
My parents looked at Siennas every time they shopped vans beginning with the very model year and always ended up with something else, mostly due to price, but I imagine it would have worked out less expensive in the end if they had bought one in the first place.
Maybe grab a spare spare 17″ wheel from another Toyota or Lexus to carry for the trip just in case as the AWD models lacked one. Because stowable 3rd row seats folded where spares went before, spares on FWDs would stow in the middle of the van between the front 2 rows. On AWDs either the driveshaft ran right through there so no spare or it wouldn’t have fit a full-size spare as would be better for the AWD (or both). Now in the age of standard tire repair kits that’s not unheard of but for the time it was unusual, so AWDs came with run flats which IIRC was some owners’ first experience with those and found them rougher and wore more quickly. Not as much of a pain as the PAX tires on 3rd gen Odyssey Tourings and their unique 17.5″ wheels was, though.
Edit: also, XLE Limiteds came with radar cruise control – if you can, would be interested to know how well it still works and compares to modern systems!
I hope Jason puts a pedometer or something on that walker. With his fleet and luck, that thing will have epic miles on it when he’s done with it.
All joking about Torch’s condition aside….
This article is peak David Tracy and peak Autopian.
What year is it? In addition to the front brakes needing an upgrade for sure, I think they made a switch to timing chains instead of belts around that time. The 2003-2006 3MZ engine has a belt whereas the 2007+ models run the much better 2GR with chains which don’t require regular replacement.
2004 model, so it should definitely have had a couple changes already under its, er…belt.
Fuck, I’m so blind. Sorry everyone. It does have a belt. 🙁
Lol it’s all good! I did go back and look to see if he mentioned the year, but I knew it was an 04-05 from the design, 2006 got a facelift with an extra smiley looking nose and updated, more circular taillights.
I’m running a fever and so am extra stupid today. I should probably suspend my posting privileges until I’m Compos Mentis.
Feel better soon!
Thanks! Just started Levaquin, so I’m on the way.
Naw: if you can’t shitpost while running a fever, what’s the point in life?
I hope your recovery is quick & smooth!
David, I think Jason exists on this Earth to prove your reliability prognostications wrong. I think you should get him a 1st gen Leaf instead, with large stickers to tell him not to use a chainsaw at it.
Yeah, plus, isn’t there a CEL on one of those pics?
No RPMs, so either the tach is dead or the engine isn’t running. The CEL being on is probably fine.
Ouch! My heart pains to read this…
…and he’s absolutely right. lol
Same boat here. My 392k mile cherokee is perpetually on its last legs, our 225k mile equinox was saved from the crusher by me putting headgaskets in it, but it’s early millennium gm econo-suv, so it could explode at any second. Our 07 T&C is the same story, to chyrslers tune. After putting a new rack in last week, I swore that’s the last repair I’m performing on it. So we bought a 12 Toyota sequoia for a song because the previous owner never changed the oil and neglected the coolant leak long enough to somehow manage to lock up the 5.7. Going to pop a used unit in it, perform all the maintenance, and hopefully get a lot of trouble free miles out of it.
Wrenchin’ your way into a deal. I dig it!