What the hell is the matter with deer? Or, more specifically, what is the matter with deer running in front of my car? What do they stand to gain? Last night, I’m driving home on a dark two-lane highway, when yet another of North Carolina’s seemingly inexhaustible supply of idiotic deer decided to bolt across the road, right in front of my little Pao, like a big bag of tick-studded venison without an ounce of sense under its big dumb antlers. Once again, I saw a flash of Nature’s Dumbest Large Mammal, hit the brakes, but then ended up clipping the jerk’s meaty butt. Ugh. Again!
Luckily, the damage isn’t as bad this time, limited to a smashed headlamp and some damage to the corner of the fiberglass hood and a bit on the fender. I’ve already got a new headlight sourced, and hopefully insurance will come through and I can get the fiberglass work done locally. Ugh, what an ass-pain, though! How are deer like this? Shouldn’t natural selection have weeded out all the ones too dumb to know how to cross a damn road already by now? Who are the does still mating with these morons? It’s not all about antler size, ladies! Stop fucking idiot deer!
Man, I’m so very cross by this whole thing, though it’ll likely force my hand to get some of my other cars roadworthy again. Also, anyone want to take bets on how long that exposed halogen bulb will last without its protective lens?
I feel like I should do something to avoid this in the future. Should I put a bull bar on the Pao?
I mean, it seems crazy, but I’m sick of replacing lights. Maybe I should look into something like that.
Oy.
ugh I’m sorry – the Pao was looking so spiffy, now dinged up again..
Have not yet hit a deer, mostly due to luck and driving like an old lady when in dark deer country. Lots of guys go speeding angrily past me, often I see them and the deer they hit a little while later..
worst was in WY on a deserted country road, ice on the road and snow falling. I was driving down the middle of the road with brights on, spotting deer in the margins. There was a nice buck walking straight down the middle of the road, didn’t budge for me, I had to drive around him..
once in Sand Dunes NP, went for an early morning bicycle ride, deer jumped out about a foot ahead of me as I was doing 25mph downhill.. didn’t expect that.
I have almost hit a deer both on a snowmobile and a mountain bike. It’s only a matter of time.
Where do you live that a deer can afford a mountain bike and a snow mobile?!
They must be on OnlyAntlers
Fucking deer…
If you’re looking for them, and you’re in a place like the mountains of Colorado, you won’t see a single one.
However… if you are driving a Suburban through Connecticut for the holidays you’ll run over 100 of them.
Very sorry to hear the news, that sucks man.
SHOULD THE AUTOPIAN USE THE PAO AS A TEST VEHICLE FOR DEER WHISTLES?!?!?
I’ve always wanted to know if those things really do anything at all.
The operative phrase is: If you’re looking for them.
Seriously, we used to blow off fire crackers as kids just to get the damn elk and deer out of our driveways and school parking lots where I grew up.
Crazy bastards for sure.
Sorry to hear that, Jason. I was at the tail end of a 330 mile trip this past Tuesday evening, about three miles from my mother’s house, when an eight-point buck decided to jump out in front of my Accord and end it all. My daughter and I were fine; the Honda kept us safe, but because we were doing 65mph at the time of the attack, it’s completely totaled. Happy Thanksgiving!
I lived on Whidbey Island, Washington, in the late ’90s. It is the largest island in the Lower 48 and sits in the middle of Puget Sound near Seattle. It’s roughly 20 miles long and about a mile wide at its narrowest point with a single state highway that runs from north to south.
The island is mostly wooded, with some land cleared for farming and residences. Deer are plentiful and, due to the proximity of homes to the wooded areas, hunting is limited to a few days a year with shotguns and bows. The result is a huge deer population without fear of people or their cars.
Deer vs. vehicle collisions were a common occurrence once you got out of the main town and headed down the island, where the highway was unlit. The county actually had a truck rigged with a sling and a lift to pick up the carcasses and clear the road, which were reportedly then taken to a packing house and processed to feed the needy.
I lived on Whidbey for three years and had two coworkers total their vehicles in collisions with deer at night. I personally had several close calls when I first moved there. I finally bought a couple of deer whistles from the local big box store and mounted them on my front bumper, which seemed to help at least confuse them enough that they’d just look at my car going by instead of jumping and running.
Do a quick Internet search for “deer whistle” and you’ll have numerous options for purchase. They really do seem to work.
Also, consider getting a deep freeze and some butcher paper.
You don’t want that venison—it’s been damaged by the blunt force trauma and is typically no good to eat. If you’re skilled at dressing a deer you could probably cut around it, but who among us is a butcher in their spare time?
That just means it’s been tenderized.
It looks like your Autopian grill badge did its job and absorbed much of the impact. It’s tricky to know exactly where to mount that thing for maximum effectiveness! My main takeaway from this is that I’d forgotten how cool is the little Pao.
While they do have eye characteristics that contribute to this problem, it seems the dumber ones have been weeded out around me. About 25 years ago, the population exploded and people were getting killed (one asshole jumped over a highway divider and crashed through the windshield of a minivan, killing the passenger), a twin engine plane took serious damage while taking off, and there were lots of collisions. Now, I still live in north shore MA, but in a more wooded area with even more deer. They stand and wait by the sides of the roads and are far more cautious when crossing than the OMFG SEND IT RIGHT NOW! method previously employed that they stole from rabbits, a strategy that works better for the small Lagomorph. Some of it, too, might be that the dumber ones are also handicapped in dealing with the coyote population that has adapted in large numbers over the last ten years and that’s also helped develop a smarted deer population.
I wonder if the Pao just has unusually dim lights compared to the majority of cars the deer are more accustomed to and they don’t realize the distance because of that. It’s much smaller size may also be a contributor.
So…. I would say just add more lighting and be careful, but it looks like you already have a lot of lighting on that thing. Sucks man. Repairing something that was never sold here must suck.
I read that as “add more lightning” and thought a lightning cannon on a Nissan Pao would be 100% awesome. Kill the deer and cook it in one easy step!
It seems this that it’s destiny that deer will run in front of you and… PAO… they get hit.
Your Nissan was made for this.
/jk
Funny how Jason always “hits a deer” on the way back from the pub.
Sorry man. That is some truly shit luck. At least it din’t try to fly over your car and end up in your lap or fuck up your A pillar.
Get a couple of deer whistles. They may not help, but they might and at this point, you need all the help you can get.
Ugh, that sucks. Deer almost took out my fun car too. Damn thing ran out of the weeds next to the road so close to me that I’m not sure I even hit the brakes before I hit the deer. It basically exploded on impact. Insurance wanted to total the car, but I was able to get it back and get it fixed much cheaper than their inflated estimate. I still cringe every time I drive past that section of road.
Allow me to introduce you to cows, which are likely dumber than deer but also much slower and thus less prone to run out in front of you unexpectedly. More prone to stand in the road and stare stupidly at you though. 😉
Hit one deer shame on deer, hit two deer shame on you. Actually had a deer run into the side of a new company truck and 1 week later had a different deer run into the other side of the truck in the exact same place.
Deer suuuck. Two nights ago I taught my daughter some basic car maintenance by helping her change out the spark plugs on her C4. On the test drive afterwards (she still has a permit), I saw one of antlered-rat bastards down moving in the ditch ahead of us. A split second later it jumps up right in the front of the car while I’m loudly saying “BRAKES BRAKES BRAKES…” With her hitting the brakes and a little evasive steering, all was well. I saw her hands shaking when we got out of the car back home though – it was her first close-call behind the wheel.
Meanwhile, the deer merrily scampered across to the ditch on the opposite side of the road where I’m sure it was going to hang out for awhile before scaring the bejeezus out of someone driving along in the other lane.
I think that an entire external perimeter cage made of 3/4″ black steel gas pipe is warranted at this point. You know, like you sometimes see on old safari Land Rovers out on the savannah. Sure, it’ll be heavy and make the Pao even slower, but it’d provide enough protection that you could actually aim for those meaty butts if you really wanted to. 😉
Obviously we need to reintroduce wolves to protect our cars from these pests.
Then gorillas to deal with the wolves!
Or just stop developing into the habitats of wild animals and plants. Good for them, good for us, good for the planet.
https://www.reddit.com/r/toronto/comments/182xkgd/deer_at_union_station/
https://www.cp24.com/news/deer-captured-on-video-crossing-tracks-at-toronto-s-union-station-1.6660369
So, bulldoze Toronto?
I mean yeah, that would be nice. But it’s probably even less likely than the wolves.
Maybe natural selection is selecting out the Pao
Occam’s razor.
I hit a herd in my Volvo 740, went to the picknpull and they had a complete front end in the right colour, 125$ and I was on my way, two weeks later same thing happened and all I could find was a rusty white front end, crap. Hit one in my V50 and found a good front end too, then I dropped an a/c compressor on the hood
Maybe Volvos aren’t for you.
Crap if true I will be selling all five of mine
My parents have the “Night Vision” IR camera feature on their CT6 PHEV, and it’s saved them from a few deer strikes. The deer show up as pedestrians to the system, but they get warnings and boxes highlight their locations on the screen. They live in rural farmland area and there are a lot of deer, and they use this feature a lot at dusk and dark. This is a feature I keep hoping will drop down to other models in lower cost brackets. I know I’d love to have it on my truck for some of my long road trips. If Cadillac would market it as deer and pedestrian alert or something instead, they would probably get more takers.
This sounds cool.
We had that system on our XT5 and have it on our Panamera, and it’s saved my wife twice and me once. I wish it were available for more cars.
This is an issue that could be easily solved by the judicious use of Jewish Space Lasers.
Someone needs to play this prank on Jason
“Shouldn’t natural selection have weeded out all the ones too dumb to know how to cross a damn road already by now?”
You ARE natural selection in action, Jason. I mean, what do you expect when you’re driving something with a name pronounced as “POW”?
Yes to the bull-bar, btw. Or maybe even better, a cow catcher that will launch the deer over the car: https://www.pirate4x4.com/attachments/amanda-bynes-buys-a-cattle-guard-610×325-jpg.2390841/
Maybe Torch needs a Daimler as a daily?
https://tanks-alot.co.uk/product/ferret-armoured-car/
Very sorry, I hit a deer coming back from a night scout meeting, and it ran out in front of the Mini Cooper I was driving. I watched it go down the road and stop in front of the apartment of these rednecks that were pissed at me.
I called the cops, to register the accident for the insurance, and also to protect me from these rednecks. When it was all done, he told them to leave so he could shoot it, and they were refusing, and I left in a haste.
Needed 3/4 of the nose, but was fixable.
Look at it from the deer’s perspective: it looks at the Pao, sees no one in the driver’s seat (on the correct left side) and therefore assumes the car must not be moving. Perfectly safe to cross in front of.
im surprised the higher ups havent made you move to CA, where all you have to worry about is Cougars and Condors
Jason shouldn’t wander off.
That place is full of wildlife. They got Wildcats, Barracudas, Mustangs, Cougars, Impalas… The place is a goshdang zoo.
We do also have coyotes, but they are in fact clever animals with a sense of self-preservation, and not complete dumbasses like deer.
(To be fair we also have deer, but in almost 40 years of driving I’ve never seen one come down from the hills and cross a major road; maybe the coyotes keep them in check?)
On top of the self preservation coyotes can hire lawyers and sue large conglomerates for injury. Then they can have a movie made about it…wait a minute, scratch that last part about a movie.