Oh Good, Porsche Has $400 Driving Pants: Cold Start

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Here’s a situation we’ve all been in: you’re driving, actively, and all of a sudden your pants just fail you, clearly not up to the active driving task, de-pantsing themselves into hundreds of trouser-shards, sending you spiraling off the road, probably over a cliff or into a ravine or something. Pants are the weak link in any driver’s arsenal, the first crucial element to go when things get tough. But what can you do? Well, if you have $400, you can go to Porsche, and they’ll send you a pair of Active Driving Trousers, which I can only assume are the only pants available that are truly able to handle seriously active driving. Man, I bet these pants have some really good action!

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Just look at these pants! Streamlined, sleek, having both belt loops and a drawstring for maximum security! Why I bet these pants are capable of taking you on a wet track in an old, tail-heavy Porsche 356, and you’ve just eaten a massive meal of chili and pound cake, so when you inevitably spin out and feel your bowels release in fear, the pants can be filled to the point where they are taut as snare drums, seams straining but with the full confidence that there will be no chance of those pants becoming compromised.

These are active driving trousers, people, not the bullshit $50 passive driving trousers you wear, like some sort of chump!

These pants aren’t just pants, they’re partners, active partners in your driving adventure! You’ll come to rely on their counsel far more than any living human! These trousers are you co-drivers (well, co-driver, but “trousers” and “pants” are plural even though they’re referring to a singular thing, so the construction is confusing) and you need to treat them with the respect that position affords.

My lord, what a world we live in, when for the cost of a nice 65″ flat-screen television you can be the proud owner of pants designed for active driving! You’re definitely not a dumbass who spent way too much on glorified sweatpants if you buy these, that’s for sure! They’re Porsche pants!

Active driving pants. Oy.

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Mercedes Streeter

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157 thoughts on “Oh Good, Porsche Has $400 Driving Pants: Cold Start”

  3. Oh dear, a good pedantic rumination on grammar slightly spoiled by a typo:
    “These trousers are you co-drivers (well, co-driver, but “trousers” and “pants” are plural even though they’re referring to a singular thing, so the construction is confusing)”
    where “you” should be “your.” No worries, we’ve all done that at some point or another and will do so again in the future, especially early in the morning without sufficient coffee or late at night with abundant imbibing.

    1. As i read it, i thought it was actually missing a comma and emphasis:
      “These trousers are you, co-drivers.”

      And i was like, “Whoooooaaa! Torch is gettin’ deep up in here!”
      And then i legit laughed out loud, except silently, in my mind.

  4. “having both belt loops and a drawstring for maximum security!”
    Ah, respectfully disagreeing here, that’s not maximum security unless the pants also have buttons for suspenders.

        1. Congrats.

          My favorite bad guy performance. Mostly because it came from the least likely actors.

          How do you plan to spend your new found glut of internet points?

  5. I guess those are Euro sizes. Otherwise, Porsche must think their enthusiasts are all morbidly obese.

    Or, perhaps they are pants for partners!

    Um, active partners.

  9. Thanks (?) to 67 Oldsmobile and Racer Esq, I have been introduced to the world of Ferrari merch. THESE are the pants you’re looking for, Torch: https://store.ferrari.com/en-us/shorts_cod1647597330734605.html

    Large volume? Check
    Apparently waterproof? Check
    Drawstrings on the legs for a snug, feces containing fit? Check

    These babies could take you through multiple pants filling events driving your Ferrari recklessly (and hopefully wrecklessly) over the Tail of the Dragon.

    6. I am just going to close the internet for the day. WTF am I looking at here? Seriously? The Porsche pants are a Blue Light bargain bin deal compared to this.

    1. I don’t know shit from shinola.

      One of my former business partners had a tin of Shinola in his shoe shining kit. I always meant to liberate that before he retired.

  12. A few years back, the family and I went to the Porsche store on Rodeo Drive.

    They had a pen there, where they were hyping the big technological advance of the precision writing instrument:

    “Say you’re driving, and you need to write something down, but you need to keep one hand on the wheel. So with this pen, you literally ‘flick’ it, and the ball point comes out to write, and you ‘flick’ it again, and it retracts – Porsche has solved the problem of using a pen one-handed!”

    And all I could think of is “this one-handed problem has been solved for 75 years with the little clicker at the end of a ball point pen that you can probably get for a quarter….”

    1. I enjoy the tension between “our ethos is pure driving performance and nothing else” and “we want to sell you anything we possibly can”.

      As late as the ’90s, no Porsche had cupholders of any sort. And now, it’s seemingly encouraging us to write things down while driving.

      1. You should see the tinnef they sell there. You can buy a Bluetooth speaker that is made from a real live honest-to-goodness Porsche Muffler!

        My dad bought a 914 2.0 in 1974. We loved it, but it had many, many problems, you’d go over a bump, and the car would die being but one of them. At one point, he brought it back to the dealer, and told them of the problems.

        The salesman said, “Do you know how to drive a Porsche?”

        2. That’s a great story – 100% sure now you’d get “oh no, we’ll put you in a loaner while we take a look…can I get your credit card?”

          I remember in the ’80s when the Porsche Design stuff first hit. In fact, to truly date things, the Sharper Image carried it. It seemed cool to a kid like me, but I always (honestly) did wonder if it really was.

        1. Presumably because they assumed Porsche buyers would spend money on a pen as a status symbol.
          But that kind of money will buy really nice fountain pens that I would think convey a higher level of status. But there are more expensive pens.

      1. Which makes for a good story, but the space pen was quickly adopted by Russia, too, since pencils ran the risk of broken graphite getting into sensitive equipment. And Fisher developed the pen privately and sold them to NASA (I’m sure the price reflected the level of R&D that went into it, but NASA didn’t fund development on the front end). They would then sell the same pens to Russia shortly thereafter.

  14. “Active driving trousers; for controlling fecal seepage rsulting from knowing you’re about to hit a pothole your rims have no chance of surviving”

            2. I think that link is fine. Once in a while I feel like I’m out of touch with modern culture. Links like that remind me why that can be a good thing.

      5. I can at least imagine common situations where those would look normal.

        I can’t imagine any situation where the “fleeing squid” pants make any sense at all.

  17. Too bad you didn’t have these when your aorta unzipped itself. They would have EASILY contained your “lavish” evacuation.

    Also, “active” driving pants? What does that mean? Like active aero? Do they direct farts into some sort of exterior ventilation system?

  19. One of the interesting parts is how “active” these days almost certainly means 100% polyester at the end of the day.

    In the not-too-distant past, “luxury” meant pricier natural fibers, but I enjoy how our collective fetish for athletic gear allows companies to jack up prices and lower their production costs.

    1. Seriously. They’re cranking those out ot a far Eastern sweat shop next to a petrochemical plant for like 99 cents a piece. Probably virtually identical to a half dozen pairs on Amazon under the BEEGXYP or GLIOYTY brand names that come out of the same workhouse

  20. Are these European sizes that I don’t understand? I can’t find any sort of size chart, but those sizes don’t strike me as “slim fit”.

    Also-the washing instructions are pretty much “don’t”

    1. “Dry cleaning possible”

      So if you ever have an active driving accident in these things, guess you need to let insurance know you also need an extra $400 for a new pair of pants.

    1. Only if the seating surfaces are coarse weave cloth or alcantara. If they are leather or vinyl, I need to go commando so my butt cheeks can maintain adequate purchase in the corners.

        1. AMC used a really rough cloth weave that felt like it had asbestos fibers in it. But the vinyl they used was thicker than average, and really got lubricated with sweat, so that those cheeks would surf from side to side on a hot day with no air conditioning. The velour was as soft as a baby’s bum, so no need for pantaloons at all. Open all four windows, and feel the breeze caress your nethers. Ahhh.. the 1970’s…

  22. What in the lululemon is this lol

    the only thing I have from a car brand is a waterproof gym bag from Polestar with the yellow accents that match the seat belts (same material), and it was way cheaper than this.

    2. Have you tried to turn it around (assuming we’re talking about a baseball cap here)? Because this might switch on active-mode and get you Over-The-Top driving skills.

      1. Oh dang I haven’t, rotating a Chevy ball cap may unlock dude bro mode, but probably need the accompanying $70k lifted dude bro Silverado with 40″ low profiles on it for full effect.

    1. In the all-too-short-lived Freaks & Geeks, there’s an episode where the main geek character, Sam, gets talked into a “Parisian night suit” by the salesman in some mall men’s shop. He swaggers into school, a grand entrance that quickly devolves into a point-and-laugh gantlet of shame.

      I imagine the same for someone who steps out of a Porsche wearing one of these ensembles. But maybe all his friends are wearing them, too.

          1. I always think of the Friends episode with Joey and his covered stack of boxes Porsche, attempting to impress girls. He eventually has the jacket, driving gloves, sunglasses.

            It was some wonderful meta writing as by the ’90s, it had hit the depths of caricature. But now, it’s retro cool.

    2. Ok. The blouson and the pants together look kinda good.
      But also, that’s probably (at least in part) due to Mr Chiseled-Cheeks here with his 5o’clock shadow

      1. The trousers would look decent without the drawstrings and the blouson looks pretty good, but $1200 will get you a decent suit that’s properly fitted or a very nice jacket and some nice pants.
        If you’re the target demographic, you can do better. If you’re not, you don’t want to spend $1200 on one pair of pants and a jacket. I just don’t know who buys these.

        1.  I just don’t know who buys these.

          Know the Corvette dads? In the white New Balance sneakers? Jean shorts? Corvette Club shirts?
          There’s a Porsche version. Somewhat harder to find them in groups, but they’re out there.

          They buy them

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